AIBU to have walked out of the doctors crying today

[alittlebitofwhatyoufancy]

My doctor appointment was because I had a sore eye so I wasn't really going in upset or anything!

My gp asks about what support I have every time I go there this time he just wouldn't leave it alone. Giving a speech about how "for thousands of years women have raised children with the help of the community". It is bad timing for this as my dh left on the weekend and I have no one else.

I think I just took it the wrong way but when he said "let us help you be a good mother" I pretty much just lost my ability to cope.

I held it together to get to the door of the surgery but spent most of the walk home crying.

Was I being unreasonable to be so upset I feel like the speech etc was a little uncalled for as realistically unless he is offering to be my best friend or come and clean my house for me (both seem unlikely ) what the hell good is it for him to tell me to magic up some support!

Well you could try focussing on improving your run down ness perhaps? That's less of an emotive thing and what you eat for example is under your control. Treating yourself to some nice healthy food (plenty of veg and good quality protein along with fruit etc. It's not going to clean your house or fix depression but it IS under your control - and sometimes that's what you need, just to focus on one thing you can do something about... I dont think I expressed myself very well there, but basically it's an act of self care you can control.

I understand what you mean skipton I do need to find healthy ways to ease the stress at the moment I keep finding myself may scratching at my arms which I am aware isn't the best way to deal with stress... Plus my arms are now scarred to buggery which from nothing but my own fingers is pretty impressive in terrible way ...

Re the arms,. Have you tried elastic bands/ ice cubes?

Ok well you certainly need a medication review if your eczema is that bad. Mine is very mild and it's torturously itchy so god knows what severe is like! I use moo goo psoriasis cream on mine and find it good, but like I say mine is very mild and can be controlled with that and the odd bit of cortisone. Certainly worth seeing the doc for a review - are you intolerant/ allergic to anything? It's grim and tiresome to eliminate stuff but it could help.

You sound very run down and tired and fed up - why not set yourself a mission to do some nice things for yourself over the next couple of weeks? I'm utterly shattered and run down right now because I have a baby who won't sleep and a few health issues - it's got to the point I've got quite down mentally and physically. Last weekend dh took the baby and I just got to lounge around in bed drinking tea, do a bit of sewing and potter in the garden. I felt immeasurably better for it, even though it was trivial stuff.
I think from my recent experience it's very easy to just sink into despair (I had pnd) and get into a habit of not being nice to yourself. It's hard to break out of but I'm trying. I've forced myself to go to the docs and they've given me ADs and are referring for the knee stuff. Sometimes small things can get the ball rolling.

take care. You're important

Just want to re-post this because it is fantastic from Ubiquitytree

""look, I don't know what I need: what is there?" [...]

The standard MN advice for dealing with people who are bereaved or otherwise suffering is not to say "let me know if there's anything you need" but to offer more concrete help like "what day would you like me to pick the kids up from school" or "I'll make you dinner - fish pie or lasagne?"

Similarly, the GP should say "should we think about a CBT referral" rather than "is there anything else you need" because maybe OP needs a shag and a Wispa but she ain't going to ask him for either."

This is so spot on.

There is a lot of talk on here about "help" and a lot of judgey stuff about people who don't "ask for help" but I think it is really hard to get "help" because you don't know how to ask for it, what to ask for, and crucially you are devoting all your energies to hanging on and if you crack then the whole thing might fall apart and the "help" that is available won't paper over the massive cataclysm resulting from you admitting that you just can't fucking cope any more.

I have worked several times after having been signed off from work because I've had no back up at work and I won't work again in my small industry if I get a reputation as someone who is flaky and just went off for two weeks and didn't get back to anyone. It might be possible that my health would be better now if I had followed the advice, taken the time off, attended the CBT arranged during work hours, etc. It felt more likely to me that it would be worse if I didn't have a job, a house, my independence and the ability to consider separation from a P who doesn't love me and doesn't pretend.

If someone asked me now if I needed help I might ask to live in a non-misogynistic society in which I don't have to be hungry all the time to be physically acceptable, or I might ask for a cook to come over and put something in the oven so that I don't have to start cooking at 8.30 when the dcs are in bed, (or more likely not bother and have a hot chocolate and an apple), or I might ask for a decades back-dated reasonable national housing policy that means I don't have to travel 90 minutes / 2 hours to a job that allows me to earn a living, or I might ask for and end to a toxic culture of masculinity that makes it physically impossible for my ex to listen to a woman and kills all possibility of a loving or respectful relationship. then again I might try asking for a wispa and a shag. What are the chances of me getting any of this?

I hope you get the necessary support. I had a bout of PND and was treated like an irresponsible young parent who couldn't cope. It was an old fashioned approach and is now recognised as poor practice. It seems your GP was trying to help and you are feeling low and vulnerable - I expect a kitten would make you sad right now. We all feel like we can cope with everything the world throws us but sometimes we need support. Your GP was following up on your treatment but this perhaps it came across as pushy at an awful time. I wish you luck and hope you find a way through y.

I got some anal bleeding so went to the doctors. When he suggested an examination I must have looked frightened, I started crying and he was reluctant to do it.

He then said something must be bothering me because I started to cry, yes the thing that was bothering me was my poorly bum hole and THE FACT THE ONLY WAY TO SORT IT OUT WAS HIM EFFECTIVELY A STRANGER TO STICK HIS FINGER UP MY ANUS😕😕 wonders why I looked a little unsure and reluctant. Needless to say I left the room none the wiser hoping I don't have anus cancer or prolapse.😡😡😡

Chelsea with due respect you need to grow up and stop being such a wuss.

I would rather suffer the indignity and embarrassment of my GPs finger up my arse for 5 minutes, than die prematurely from bowel cancer. Bleeding from the anus is a classic symptom. Please go back to the GP asap.

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry :( It sounds like he was just trying to help you feel better, however clumsily he worded it x

I think he was trying to be helpful but just worded it in completely the wrong way - I hope you're able to get help if you need it, even if it's just a chat on here

I think this GP sounds great and I would take any support offered if you feel comfortable . I went to see my GP today and experienced very little empathy at all and came out thinking he had definitely chosen the wrong career .

Quite often in my experience, Mothers prioritise everyone before themselves. Particularly their children. And often disregard their own health or needs.

In saying let us help you be a good mother he may have been saying in a cack handed way, you've been hospitalised several times in the last few months, you have potential stress related physical symptoms but you keep soldiering on and saying you're fine but I think you're possibly struggling but you don't have the time or mental space to devote to yourself because you don't think you're that important but you're a great Mum and if I put this in terms of you looking after yourself being good for your kids who you clearly are devoted to, you might be more inclined to care about YOU and ask for help if needed.

You are being oversensitive... ask him what help is on tap here.. you may be pleasantly surprised!!!

Ok he was offering help and I dont think he meant any harm, however I can understand why it upset you. His comment suggested without help youre not a good mother, but I dont think he meant to suggest that. And it is ok to not be ok. You mightnt have support outside but the GP can support even just by listening for a minute what youre going through

I would kill right now for some support, someone to ask how I am. I have no friends & ex left last year.
Take it with both hands if you need it

I think he was offering help. I don't know what is available in your area but it's highly likely that you or your GP could refer you to a Family Support Worker who can help with practical stuff and signposting to other services. Help sort out benefits etc etc. I hope you feel better soon xx

I work for a local authority and we're desperate for GPs to join up with our work and refer people who come into the doctors for council services. It's a real opportunity to support families better and make all of our services more effective.
So I'm impressed that he's taken the holistic approach, maybe just a bit clumsy. As a PP said this might mean seeing GP for stress due to debt and being referred to a family worker who can help you plan a budget and find employment. Might mean prescribing anti-depressants for PND and also connecting you with a local community support group. Or giving advice on challenging behaviour in teenagers and telling you about a local parenting course which might help.
I'm also working on a project on loneliness at the moment and being lonely is as bad for health as smoking. People are more likely to visit the GP and suffer depression. So some GPs will now look out for this and the solution is often community support not drugs.
Can completely understand you being upset. But the GP more than anyone will know that many of those who are outwardly perfect are anything but - so the rest of us should certainly not worry about not being perfect.

That's interesting, IFinished. when you say "we're desperate for GPs to refer people to council services" - do you tell the GPs how specific they need to be? Because people don't know what council services there are; and they don't know how they would help them necessarily, unless they are "prescribed" by a doctor.

I think it would be great if people with, say, depression or anxiety, could be "prescribed" company, exercise, coaching, training etc - but people need the doctor - the expert - to tell them what the "treatment" is, how to get it, and that it will help them and they should take it up.

FGS chelseabuns you've got a sore bum hole, did you expect the GP to diagnose you without looking at it?

It's very complicated (sorry OP, this is going beyond your problem)

Would I be right in thinking that Drs nowadys use the word "help" instead of "treatment" to reflect the fact that this is not just about medical procedures or prescriptions? In which case "help" may be the lesser of two (minor) evils?

In a situation where what you really need is "a shag and a wispa" I can see that it might be better to say "in this NHS district, we offer the following services, this one might help you, what do you think?" rather than a vague reference to "help" which, as the original post points out, is making it sound like offering to be a best friend or cleaning your house. In this unfortunate GP's case, he sounded like a sort of mum/dad figure!

Off-topic here, but one thing I've learnt the hard way about the NHS is that the staff are trained to avoid mentioning "help" if it isn't on the NHS. My hands stopped basically stopped working last year and it was only by going private that I learnt that what I needed was a lot of hands-on massage and manipulation. My poor GP was steering me towards an operation because the NHS physio wasn't helping (of course it wasn't!). When I wondered afterwards why I hadn't been told earlier of the "help" I actually needed it seemed to be a combination of GPs not knowing much about it and also being trained to avoid telling you about "help" you have to pay for. Needless to say, it is far far more expensive for your hands not to work than to spend money on an osteopath. It's a funny old imperfect world. We do our best but only the articulate and prosperous can hope to always get the best out of the system.

Hi HowBad, currently GPs in our area can fill in a family common assessment framework (FCAF), which includes information on the individual's needs and rest of family. This will then be assessed in local authority to see what support we can offer - a parenting course, family worker etc and we would then contact the person. The issue is getting GPs to fill it in - the FCAF used to be quite long and although there is now a shorter version for GPs, it's still a culture change to signpost to support outside of health and I can see why it might be seen as an extra pressure to do this in a 10 minute appointment.
I know there are also plans in some areas for GPs to 'prescribe' support in community services. I'm not 100% sure how this would work, in our area I think we were hoping that we'd have a directory of services which GPs could send a referral to, and these services would get in touch with the patient. However we've not got this off the ground yet, again it's a big change. But I have heard of other areas looking to do this for loneliness - prescribing support from a local social group if someone presents with symptoms suggesting social isolation.

So the expectation is that GPs and other practitioners, advice agencies etc need to help people find out about wider support. Sometimes I think even if you know about a service you just need someone to introduce you, or make contact for you. I've been thinking of doing a parenting course for ages and am still hesitant, whereas if someone said to me: "this person runs a course in this town, it might help with DS's tantrums, do you want me to put you in touch" I'd definitely be up for it.