To think you don't walk over a grave?

[memememe94]

My DBrother died 12 years ago today, aged only 26. My parents have never recovered from it.

DM rang me tonight very upset because while she was at his grave today, another woman visiting the grave next to her (who was chatting to my Mum while tidying the grave) walked straight over my brother's grave twice in front of my Mum.

I've always thought it's wrong to walk over any grave and have always walked around--never mind doing it in front of someone. AIB old-fashioned, or was this women incredibly rude?

it is definitely disrespectful to walk over graves. I only knew about it as my grandpa told me when I was young. He lived near a large crematorium/graveyard, and I was told not to walk on the graves due to this reason. I don't know if I would be so aware of it if he hadn't told me though- maybe the person simply didn't know? It seems obvious if you think about it…but if you haven't thought about it…maybe it isn't? I think it's the sort of thing that needs pointing out though. Your poor mother xx

Well, I try not to walk on graves if I'm just passing through a churchyard or cemetary, but... there is a grave that I visit twice a year, on that person's anniversary and birthday. When I'm there I will often sit or kneel by the headstone, so yes, sitting on their grave, for maybe half an hour while I tidy up, clean the headstone and photos, and reaarrange the flowers I've brought.

I don't feel bad about doing so and have met up with this person's siblings there on occasion, and nor did they seem to have a problem with it.

I'm also certain that those who have passed over have bigger concerns, really.

We go to an annual graveyard mass in a rural area of Ireland. The graveyard (closed for new burials) is absolutely packed with barely inches between the graves. It is also on a very steep hill. It is impossible to negotiate it without sometimes walking on the graves. On Mass days it will be absolutely rammed with people who of necessity will be standing on graves, sitting on graves, leaning on headstones, kids playing on graves. No offence is meant and none is taken and great care is taken not to disturb flowers or plantings.

That being said, to choose to walk over your brothers grave when there were alternative routes and your mum was working on it seems very disrespecful.

Oh your poor mum

It's just so disrespectful to walk over someone's grave. I've taken dd's to graves of relatives and they now wait for me, as know not to do it and they're 4 and 6.

It is extremely disrespectful, however I am inclined to think that for some reason she wasn't aware that her actions could be a cause for upset. I am so sorry for your loss and your poor DM's experience

Jesus Christ - I wouldn't walk over a grave at any point but especially not when someone was there!
Genuinely shocked - so sorry OP

Some yards are so very old, I think some might be buried over others.

There's a mostly 20th century one we go through on the way to a trail we hike often. But there are some much older ones in one part of the yard, and that is the 4th known church to stand there, and there is also a VERY old well on the grounds, so it's quite likely there are quite a few graves underneath and perhaps even under the present church which dates from 1850.

But we try to be respectful and walk only on paths.

This lady was rude since the OP has stated it's not the case in that yard, you don't have to walk over graves.

I've honestly never realised it was disrespectful.

Though the woman in the OP sounds rude and I'd never walk on a grave with a visitor there!

My DS and my grandad are in the same row and I've always walked on the graves between them when putting flowers down/tidying up.

I won't now I've read this thread, and hopefully I've never upset anyone who's seen me.

Just to add, I went to the funeral of an aunt of my DH a few years ago and a man no one knew arrived. It turned out he had briefly worked with her and wanted to pay his respects. I admired the fact he came to the funeral but it did shock me how he was standing on graves and leaning on gravestones. It may be an overreaction but I slightly felt sickened by his disrespect for the last resting place of someone's dear loved one. to all on here who have lost someone close to them

God, why does AIBU turn into a nit picking exercise? I've never recovered from my brother dying, either, but I used the term as short-hand for the way in which the anniversary particularly revives memories of that day all over again.

I think there's a vocabulary associated with death of close family, and often it is riddled with cliches. Everyone is different. There is no one size fits all outcome, and there is no definite outcome for anybody. Just as each person who died is an individual, so are each of our responses to those deaths, and the outcomes for each of us over the years.

My brother was 21 when he died because of doctors mistakes. That was 17 years ago. We have recovered. I am happy to say I have recovered, and that I see my parents and family have recovered. We are no longer the broken shells we were after he died. We are not the same people we were before he died, but we have rebuilt ourselves, regained our lives, and have moved forward, in some ways better than we were before. With my brother's death came an appreciation of the now that I didn't have before. Whilst his death made me feel sadder than I ever had before, because of his death I allowed myself feel happier than I ever had before.

I am different to who I once was, but who I am now is not a lesser person because my brother died. Nothing was ever the same after he died, and I know I am not. Just as someone who has recovered from surgery has a scar, I have scars associated with my brothers death. However, those scars no longer define me, or limit me, and I have learned to carry my grief with me. I have recovered from my brother's death and I'm happy to be able to say that.

I've never had a grave to visit, but yes indeed, it's really disrespectful to tread on a grave (unless it's the grave of a loved one and that's what you choose to do)

Taught my DCs that from when they were tiny

I know people probably stood on my daughter's when Mrs B was being laid to rest. But I know they meant no disrespect, they were there mourning and seeing their mother/gran/loved one laid to rest and it was crowded.

I think I probably stood on Mrs S when DD1 was put in, because the dirt was piled on the other side over Mrs E and we had to stand to the other side to put the dish of earth over DD1 and throw in her roses. I know now that Mrs S wouldn't have minded, her husband told us so, but still hope it was no upsetting to anyone.

This gal was rude and I really hope there is a way for it to be known to show some respect in this yard.

Recently we were at stourrhead which is a beautiful NT property. The parish church and graveyard is still used. There was a large crowd outside the church of Middle aged people and older teenagers. The family were playing football in the church yard. None of them seemed bothered that their behaviour was disrespectful. I was beyond angry with them

I have no problem with people standing on graves. They're just bits of grass with people buried beneath them. When I'm dead I'm not going to know if someone is sitting on my ribs, or whatever. Our family weddings are always held in the church where my family is buried and afterwards we'll often go and have a lean on the headstone and a little 'chat' to my grandad or great grandma or the others.

I also have no problem with children in graveyards, providing they're not just there for a jolly. If they're with adults then they might make a bit of noise and I'd find it difficult to get upset over that.

That said, I think I'd draw the line at walking over someone's grave while the mum of the deceased was actually standing there. It's a bit much.

Hope your mum is ok OP.

I think there's a difference to standing on a grave if at a funeral and it's packed, or tending their loved one's grave. This isn't a deliberate disrespect.

My problem is with the people who wander over the top of graves as they can't be arsed watching where they walk if let their kids run around the graveyard, playing.

YANBU.

I won't stand on graves, out of respect for the feelings of living relatives, as well as the respect for the dead that I've just been brought up to show in graveyards.

I also try to avoid standing on the graves that are inside churches (in the floor of the church, if you see what I mean?) I have no idea if this is the correct etiquette though.

I hope your Mum is ok OP

^ terrible way of explaining my point there, I hope that you get the jist!

Its basic courtesy not to walk on a grave. To do so to someone's loved one's grave whilst speaking to said someone is unbelievably rude and lacking in common sense.

Its not hard to have a little respect for those who have gone, i always do my best to avoid the graves.

I am that the woman would walk over the grave as your DM was tending it - even if it wasnt a grave, why would you even do it!?!

True, Poverty, and in that case, please complain to whoever is in charge of running that cemetery. They are not playgrounds and can also be dangerous.

I walk over the grave where my son is buried all the time, it's coming up to 2 years since we buried him. The graveyard was ridiculously overgrown at the time and my boyfriend decided we would rake the upkeep on. It's a massive graveyard with at least 500 buried in it, while cutting grass and pulling up weeds you just don't have a choice!
We also hold a candle lighting service in the graveyard every September to show our respects to all who are buried there. This was my idea as we light candles on my little boys grave every night (he didn't like the dark). So we light candles and place one of every grave, it looks truly beautiful. I don't think those buried there would mind us standing on their grave to tidy up, for many many years nobody else bothered!
Standing on them because you can't be arsed walking around is a totally different matter and very upsetting for family to see.

That's a good idea about speaking to someone about the kudos running around. A simple sign would stop people pleading ignorance, too.

memememe94 YANBU

However we have all probably walked over graves in our lives but to do so deliberately is wrong.

Regarding Expats posts I believe she was talking about the unintentional "walking over graves" that naturally happen when the bereaved visit.

Comfort your mum and let her know she can visit your brothers grave and say "Please do no walk there" to anyone who does.

The graveyard is generally well-tended as it's also an RAF cemetery. It's not associated with a church--it's down a rural lane with no houses or anything around so it's generally quiet. TBH, I don't like going there. It just reminds me of him in his coffin, whereas I prefer to remember the crazy, fun-loving guy that he was

to everyone who's lost someone too early, too young.

squigglegirl I really appreciated your post , thank you.

My parents desparately need to move out of the village. There's no public transport and only my mum can drive, and she's 75. But they don't want to leave our family house and away from my brother. I know he'd be pissed off with them! He'd be telling them to sell the house, take the money, and go travel the world He would hate them staying in the boring village because of him.