To think you don't walk over a grave?

[memememe94]

My DBrother died 12 years ago today, aged only 26. My parents have never recovered from it.

DM rang me tonight very upset because while she was at his grave today, another woman visiting the grave next to her (who was chatting to my Mum while tidying the grave) walked straight over my brother's grave twice in front of my Mum.

I've always thought it's wrong to walk over any grave and have always walked around--never mind doing it in front of someone. AIB old-fashioned, or was this women incredibly rude?

If it's possible to have a word with the council/councillor or vicar if it's a church-run cemetery. Notices can be put in place about quiet and respectful behaviour.

Now she's a bit worried about going down there in case the woman is there again. This woman was very chatty and wouldn't be quiet, whereas my Mum just wanted to be left in peace.

YANBU
If your mum could mentally prepare herself to exchange pleasantries with with woman next time, and then say something like: 'ok, i don't mean to sound rude, but i'd like a little quiet time here now'. Or 'i'm going to just sit and be quiet here now, if that's ok'.

If she'd ready for it the chances are she wont be there again. It's always the way!

I thought you're having a dig at me using the word 'recovered' in my OP. Sorry if I've missed something else. Anybody who's watched their parents suffer knows very well that you never recover from losing a child.

Crosspost expat your picnic sound lovely

'My severely autistic son is the only person that that crawls all over my mums grave. He loves all the trinkets. '

It's really hard because my son, whilst not severely autistic, is autistic and at an awkward age. We try to go visit our daughter whilst he is at school because in the past we've had to leave soon after getting there (it's a 2-hour journey) because he kicked off/had a meltdown and was screaming and running about and had to be wrestled into the car.

There was one lady there shooting daggers at us from another row. I said, 'Sorry, he has autism,' but I was in tears myself because it really sucks every time we go see her.

She's in a very large cemetery and mixed in with many (there's a babies section at the front), but I prefer it because she loved any and all company and it's an active cemetery. There's always someone there and even some MNers go and visit her.

I'd send an email to the city councillor if it's a council-run place or the vicar if it's CoE/priest for Catholic and ask if there's some way to address or put notices up about behaviour.

Oh how disgusting and disrespectful is that. I really do not have any words.

There was a photo on LinkedIn last week of a young mum with a baby lying on a blanket on a grave having a picnic.

It was in a us miliatary cemetery and the blanket was printed with photos of her and her late husband. I think it was veterans day (not sure). Very sad but beautiful photo.

God, why does AIBU turn into a nit picking exercise? I've never recovered from my brother dying, either, but I used the term as short-hand for the way in which the anniversary particularly revives memories of that day all over again.

'Anybody who's watched their parents suffer knows very well that you never recover from losing a child.'

Yes. It has decimated our family. I have a lot of fears for my daughter's younger sister, who was 6 when her elder sister died and is now 10, how all this will affect her, having lost her only sister and having a brother who has SN.

It's the worst thing in the world and I am very sorry for your loss and sorry if I caused any upset.

As it is upsetting to your mum, I'd see if there were any way to get a message to someone in authority about getting word out about some way to notify people about behaviour in cemeteries.

I think it was perfectly obvious and clear that the feeling better comment was directed at the mothers observation and feelings of the act and not her loss on the whole...

Anyway...what I have learnt from my recent bereavement is that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve and that we all deal with things in different ways. However, I am in complete agreement with the OP in that walking over a grave is completely disrespectful ( unless in a church aisle where there are no alternatives )
If this were me I would try to minimise the situation with my mother as to be fair she would be the person who visited the graveside most frequently and most likely be the person most het up about it and in reality there is very little that can be five without confrontation.

Id be a little more understanding of children, but this is a very quiet and small cemetery and there's only been a handful of elderly people buried there over the last 12 years.

I think it was particularly the casual way that she walked over his grave while chatting & my Mum was tidying up the grass that upset her.

I feel it's not too bad to go over the bottom part of a grave, but to walk over his head/upper body is horrible.

I hope she doesn't see her again.

I think it is disrespectful to purposefully walk over graves.

Where my son is buried there is very little room around the graves perhaps 6-12" all round so you cant help treading on other childrens graves..I absolutely hate it.

My friends DC is buried at a different site and they are in rows with a decent space at the bottom

The woman was very rude.

There may be some excuse in cemeteries where the graves are not clearly marked, but your mother was obviously visiting a grave.
The woman herself was tending a grave ( and therefore presumably understands the importance of having a place to remember someone) and should have shown more respect.

I think it is disrespectful to purposefully walk over graves.

'Where my son is buried there is very little room around the graves perhaps 6-12" all round so you cant help treading on other childrens graves..I absolutely hate it.

My friends DC is buried at a different site and they are in rows with a decent space at the bottom'

Yes, some of them are really hemmed in . Where DD1 is has gravel or grass paths between the rows.

Some really old ones, you go in them and then realise you are stepping on a stone sunk in the ground so old it's completely worn.

Still feel terrible about that and it's obvious in this case the woman here just has no boundaries at all.

I've met other parents at the cemetery, but you can tell when someone wants to be left alone.

Rude woman!!
You don't ever do that. (I mean, there are a few exceptions, like in the case of owly's son, which sounds very sweet.)

It is awful to do so while your mum was standing there.

Mind you, my uncle and his brother have their ashes buried very close together. Every time my auntie goes to put something on my uncle's spot she has to stand on his brother.

It's a horrible thing to do, especially with your mum right there. Mind you in some graveyards there are people buried everywhere and no matter where you walk you are standing on them. I hate the thought of that.

When my children were little we often used to go to the park on the way home from school, as did many of their friends. There's a short cut through the church yard that they would often run through to get to the swings first. I found myself forever shouting "go round the graves, not over them". I hope I've brought them up to be respectful.

Expat.... don't apologise for your DS's autism ... He is who he is!

Never say sorry!!!

DM's grave is 230 miles away so it's usually a family trip.. He has no understanding but DS 8 & DD5 do!

Expat My Dh was nearly 5 when his baby brother died.

However, he is very definite that his childhood was happy.

It still makes him sad sometimes (one of the very few times I have seen him cry in 17 years is when his mum found a load of his old schoolwork and in it was an essay he had written about it) but it isn't something that affects him on a day to day basis.

I always used to think that and never walked on graves, and still don't apart from a couple of occasions.

The difference is that our local vicar says that the graveyard of the church is a 'living graveyard' and even holds events on/in it. Most graves are very old there and it has not been used for new burials for about ten years. Recently there was a fundraising bbq in the churchyard which is effectively the graveyard. There would be no way you could get from one part to another without walking on the graves. It is rather strange but has become accepted that he wishes everyone to join in events and if that means using the graveyard then he does.

I would never ordinarily walk on a grave though and it does feel quite odd.

I think it's a horrible, disrespectful thing to do - especially in front of your mum.

I feel awful in old cemeteries where the graves are all over the place and some are just marked with flat stones in the ground. I never know where to walk or stand :(

The graveyard where most of DH's family are buried the graves are head to toe and with minimal gap between them. Pressure on space and ease of mowing apparently. I often take MIL there to tend her family graves and end up contorting myself because I won't step on a grave.