WIU to have a go at DP?

[Nicebucket]

He's my first serious boyfriend. We were friends for two and a half years before we became a couple.

Now, there's a few unusual things about him.

1. He doesn't spend money. AT ALL. He never ever eats out, never goes anywhere and doesn't even like spending on transport. So if I suggest we go somewhere in zone 1, he will refuse because the oyster ticket is more pricey. When we got together, he warned me he wouldn't buy me anything (not that I expect him to buy me stuff, I'm an independent woman)

1. He doesn't go anywhere. He just always wants to stay home.

1. He spends the weekends cooking because he won't eat out. And because he never wakes up before 12-1, we never go anywhere or do anything. He cooks and does his laundry etc all weekend and I hang about while he does that.

1. I've spoken to him several times about how we really need to do things together as a couple... They don't need to be expensive, but just SOMETHING apart from having sex or me watching him while he cooks etc.

There hasn't been much change. Twice he's agreed to a plan and then cancelled it last minute.

It's his other habits as well- he constantly moans! He was on the verge of redundancy and finally found an alternative job. Instead of being grateful he moans that his life is ruined because he has to be at work an hour earlier for this role

He insisted we should live together but I refused to move into his place because it's simply awful - cold and in the middle of nowhere.
So he's living at mine(doesn't pay rent) and also keeps paying rent on his old place because he's hopeful someday I'll move there ( it's not going to happen)

He cooks for me as well, but never helps with the cleaning.

He's applied for UK residency (he's from Eastern Europe) and he'd asked for his id back earlier. And today they (as requested by him) returned his id. But this some,e thing meant his life is over- because they didn't also send him a decision on his application at the same time.

He what speed me to say he has terrible news and then disappeared for 3 hours. Didn't answer my calls, or messages.

So when he returned home today, I had a proper go at him about all this.

Was I wrong?

This will be your life forever. You will never go anywhere again unless alone. Your children (if you have any) will never go anywhere, no fun days out because daddy's doing his washing, and some cooking while mummy cleans up the mess; no nice family days, no holidays.

Your future is a constant grey featureless landscape. That's it. But it is solid - it will always be there abd be unwaveringly predictable.

He "insisted" that you live together, yet keeps his old flat on the go and is also applying for residency in the UK.....anyone else smelling something?

OP, at best he is a cocklodging scrooge who will suck all the joy out of your life. At best

Are you really happy to settle for that? What if you have a child? Will he want to spend any money on it? Buy nappies, food, shoes....take it out for day trips, go on holiday? You know the answer.

Why would you waste your life with this man? You can't seriously be contemplating a permanent relationship, it would drive you mad. Cut your losses now.

How long have you been together?

Time to be stuck at home all the time watching DP cook is when you're ancient, decrepit or disabled. (like me)
Your flat has a door - don't let it hit his arse on his way out.

He must be using you, surely.

He seriously sounds like hard work, and a bore.

Even if he's totally legit, he sounds less fun to be with than anyone I've ever met.

Mean with money mean with love

Get rid - tomorrow!

And I don't understand why you would think you were being unreasonable to have a go at him.

You would be unreasonable to stay with him, if that helps.

There may well be 101 reasons why he behaves the way he does, but it sounds miserable. Which is fine for him to decide about his own life but it doesn't sound as though you want to live like that long term. You've already said that you've tried to encourage him to change, but it isn't working. You need to have a long hard think about where you see your life 1, 2, 5 years from now.

Leave him now, he will just continue to treat you badly. And it will get worse. Wake up to reality!

Honestly you were wrong to have a go at him. He is being him. But that's not compatible with you (and it wouldn't be with me) . He was out of touch for three hours, is that really a big deal?

However, I don't think any of that matters. The way he wants to live does not gel with the way you want to live yours. I couldn't live like him, but that doesn't make it wrong. But it's wrong for you.

Just leave. There is no future with this man.

Is that it for the good points? He cooks and is solid in a crisis - wow

As for his bad points - double wow

Why on earth do you put up with this?

How did you meet him?

Sounds like you must have been breaking into his house just to see him.

How did you manage to be friends for 2 1/2 years? Did you hang around watching him cook and clean then? Where did you meet If he never goes out?
If he had a hard upbringing and is worried about being poor - might explain the tightness - and tbh, the long lie-ins etc suggest depression - but no reason for you to accept the life you have.

He's miserable and cheap. I'm assuming he looks like Goran Visnjic.

I thnk I can just about see a consensus appearing here...

Men don't change with age..

YABU to yourself to stay with this joyless cocklodger. Don't you realise that this will be the story of your entire life if you don't get rid of him? How depressing.

Cheap with money, cheap with love.

The first thing that struck me is that there are heaps of things you can do together which cost very little or nothing. Get a bike (Boris or your own) and cycle to zone one to visit the vast arrays of free parks and museums there.

He sounds like an old man TBH if he spends his weekends cooking and doing the laundry rather than taking you out. Not only is he stingy with money, he is stingy with his time as well. It won't get any better - get out while you can!

It sounds as though he is extremely set in his ways, whether this is personality or even something on the autistic spectrum it is not working for you. Does he not spend money for any reason e.g saving to buy, sending money home etc? He might have got into a trap of thinking every extra expense is a step further from such a golal but it doesn't fit with payng rent on his old flat which makes him seem uncommitted to you. You say one of (2) positives is that he cooks. Replace him with some cookbooks.

Sounds miserable and grey and depressing

Leave him!! Enjoy your life! Do the things you love. Put your needs first and forget about him. Life is there to be enjoyed.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is using u for a visa. He is keeping his nose down and his options/flat open. He doesn't sound like he actually cares about. Love isn't everything especially when it's one sided. U deserve much more. Xx