Ok, so this is what I am considering sending to my dh, we are going through some stuff and the word divorce has been mentioned. So do you think I should send it? I am open to criticism but be gentle with me MNers!
Dear (dh),
I write this to tell you how I'm feeling. The reason why? Because I can't speak to you without fear of judgment.
On a daily basis I feel, exhausted, strung out, depressed and so incredibly lonely. Not just lonely, alone.
And I know what you're thinking - go out and do something about it then! Because it's just that easy isn't it.
I won't tell you about how hard it is to be a full time mum, you'll just see it as some kind of competitive part of me that seems to want to belittle what you do, despite telling you several times how much I appreciate what you do and not being believed or validated.
I know it's extremely difficult juggling two jobs and a home life. I appreciate how hard it is for you to occasionally get up in the night when my body simply won't let me. And, for whatever it's worth, I love you with all my heart. But that doesn't seem to be enough.
That doesn't stop the constant snapping, the lack of affection, the hatred that oozes from you when you see me as just a mum who doesn't have a job and who does nothing because you have to do everything else. Because I know it's not enough for you, you work much harder than I do, you do more hours and you are far less appreciated for it. All I do is look after (ds) you do everything else.
I hate myself on a daily basis for letting you down, for the house being a tip because I didn't get round to doing it due to (ds) being particularly clingy. I hate myself for not having your dinner done for you every night as I once promised, because I've run out of time after trying to tidy and cope with (ds's) tantrums and whatever else the day throws my way. I hate myself for not being polished and dressed, with a full face of makeup, for having turned into a fat ugly woman, for being a let down. I hate myself because I naively thought that I could do it all, and I hate myself for not being able to.
I am not saying this for your sympathy, but as an insight to my life. The one you don't see.
You see, I want to be the best Mum I can. Though they don't tell you when you start that you will feel like giving up living every single day, that you will feel like such a failure every single day, that it's not the cake walk you envisaged. It's downright shit. Not the parenting - creating (ds) is the only thing in my life I have ever achieved and I have to say he is pretty damned perfect. That's not to say I couldn't (theoretically speaking) strangle him some days! Especially at the moment when everything is a battle with him. The smiles, the cuddles, the teaching him something new, watching this little life unfold that's the worthwhile bit, that's the bit that makes you forget how ill you feel without a hint of a break, the snot, dribble, sick and poo on your clothes or in your hair. The constant ache in your back and arms from carrying him all day, and bending over changing nappies, bathing and feeding him, the sheer exhaustion and complete lack of motivation once he's in bed.
They don't tell you that until after you've had them.
And I wouldn't change that for the world (well maybe a break every now and again)
The truth is I am miles from anyone I know, and I know you just think, "go out and make friends". The fact is I can't. The crippling anxiety I feel on a daily basis prevents me from walking to the shop, let alone going out to make friends. When I do muster the courage I am practically shitting myself leaving the house. I dread the neighbours speaking to me, God forbid a stranger. But then you probably see that as my fault, I should just get over it. You did. Well the 25 years with the mental health teams should indicate it's not that easy for me. I know, I know, you made me do it and I just got over everything when I met you. Nope. I just managed to curb enough fear to get through the day. And I'll let you in on a secret - it's not so scary when I'm not on my own, hence me coping ok when I'm out with other people.
You have no idea how much I would love to be like other people. How much I would love to find living easy. But I'm not other people. And as much as this is far from the life you envisaged, the sad fact of the matter is that I have never really been able to picture my future. Maybe because I was convinced for so long that I didn't have one.
So yes, I know I'm not the wife you wanted, or the mother you wanted for your son, but the truth of the matter is I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best just to get through every day. I cry at least three times a day every day. It helps. I can't speak to my mum, despite her being my best friend for so long, because I don't want her to judge. The only person I can trust not to is (bf)
I will never be perfect, in fact I will always be the deeply flawed, awful wife and mother who cares too much what people think, but that's just who I am. I say things that I don't mean when I get upset or feel cornered or attacked, sometimes awful things. Every single negative thing anyone has ever said sticks in my brain and replays on a loop every day, and the positive stuff gets lost in the mess. This is me.
So I understand if you feel you can't be with me, you can't live with me. I understand if you want to be divorced and want nothing to do with me. I understand that you hate me, a little more every day. I know.
For whatever it's worth, I don't regret marrying you, however difficult it is. For whatever it's worth I don't want a divorce and for whatever it's worth, I love you with all my heart.