AIBU to send this email to my dh

[StarThorn]

Ok, so this is what I am considering sending to my dh, we are going through some stuff and the word divorce has been mentioned. So do you think I should send it? I am open to criticism but be gentle with me MNers!

Dear (dh),

I write this to tell you how I'm feeling. The reason why? Because I can't speak to you without fear of judgment.

On a daily basis I feel, exhausted, strung out, depressed and so incredibly lonely. Not just lonely, alone.

And I know what you're thinking - go out and do something about it then! Because it's just that easy isn't it.

I won't tell you about how hard it is to be a full time mum, you'll just see it as some kind of competitive part of me that seems to want to belittle what you do, despite telling you several times how much I appreciate what you do and not being believed or validated.

I know it's extremely difficult juggling two jobs and a home life. I appreciate how hard it is for you to occasionally get up in the night when my body simply won't let me. And, for whatever it's worth, I love you with all my heart. But that doesn't seem to be enough.

That doesn't stop the constant snapping, the lack of affection, the hatred that oozes from you when you see me as just a mum who doesn't have a job and who does nothing because you have to do everything else. Because I know it's not enough for you, you work much harder than I do, you do more hours and you are far less appreciated for it. All I do is look after (ds) you do everything else.

I hate myself on a daily basis for letting you down, for the house being a tip because I didn't get round to doing it due to (ds) being particularly clingy. I hate myself for not having your dinner done for you every night as I once promised, because I've run out of time after trying to tidy and cope with (ds's) tantrums and whatever else the day throws my way. I hate myself for not being polished and dressed, with a full face of makeup, for having turned into a fat ugly woman, for being a let down. I hate myself because I naively thought that I could do it all, and I hate myself for not being able to.

I am not saying this for your sympathy, but as an insight to my life. The one you don't see.

You see, I want to be the best Mum I can. Though they don't tell you when you start that you will feel like giving up living every single day, that you will feel like such a failure every single day, that it's not the cake walk you envisaged. It's downright shit. Not the parenting - creating (ds) is the only thing in my life I have ever achieved and I have to say he is pretty damned perfect. That's not to say I couldn't (theoretically speaking) strangle him some days! Especially at the moment when everything is a battle with him. The smiles, the cuddles, the teaching him something new, watching this little life unfold that's the worthwhile bit, that's the bit that makes you forget how ill you feel without a hint of a break, the snot, dribble, sick and poo on your clothes or in your hair. The constant ache in your back and arms from carrying him all day, and bending over changing nappies, bathing and feeding him, the sheer exhaustion and complete lack of motivation once he's in bed.

They don't tell you that until after you've had them.

And I wouldn't change that for the world (well maybe a break every now and again)

The truth is I am miles from anyone I know, and I know you just think, "go out and make friends". The fact is I can't. The crippling anxiety I feel on a daily basis prevents me from walking to the shop, let alone going out to make friends. When I do muster the courage I am practically shitting myself leaving the house. I dread the neighbours speaking to me, God forbid a stranger. But then you probably see that as my fault, I should just get over it. You did. Well the 25 years with the mental health teams should indicate it's not that easy for me. I know, I know, you made me do it and I just got over everything when I met you. Nope. I just managed to curb enough fear to get through the day. And I'll let you in on a secret - it's not so scary when I'm not on my own, hence me coping ok when I'm out with other people.

You have no idea how much I would love to be like other people. How much I would love to find living easy. But I'm not other people. And as much as this is far from the life you envisaged, the sad fact of the matter is that I have never really been able to picture my future. Maybe because I was convinced for so long that I didn't have one.

So yes, I know I'm not the wife you wanted, or the mother you wanted for your son, but the truth of the matter is I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best just to get through every day. I cry at least three times a day every day. It helps. I can't speak to my mum, despite her being my best friend for so long, because I don't want her to judge. The only person I can trust not to is (bf)

I will never be perfect, in fact I will always be the deeply flawed, awful wife and mother who cares too much what people think, but that's just who I am. I say things that I don't mean when I get upset or feel cornered or attacked, sometimes awful things. Every single negative thing anyone has ever said sticks in my brain and replays on a loop every day, and the positive stuff gets lost in the mess. This is me.

So I understand if you feel you can't be with me, you can't live with me. I understand if you want to be divorced and want nothing to do with me. I understand that you hate me, a little more every day. I know.

For whatever it's worth, I don't regret marrying you, however difficult it is. For whatever it's worth I don't want a divorce and for whatever it's worth, I love you with all my heart.

[Janecc]

You've had some really good advice Star.

My dh does loads. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) and he can come home to devastation and food on the table maybe once a week when I'm really ill. DD is at school now but it's really hard as at my worst, I physically am unable to stand up for very long or move around so the jobs don't get done. That's why I'm on mumsnet so much at the moment. Lying down waiting for better days. Dh finds life very frustrating and very put upon.

I now have fortnightly private counselling to help with my feelings of helplessness although I am not depressed. I really would recommend seeing someone. My ability to do things around the house hasn't changed but my outlook toward this awful disease and communication with dh has.

I have in the past written to dh. Now if I do, it is very short and simple. Your husband will be in massive emotional turmoil. There is no way he will be able to understand your letter or imo even stuff like Rain suggested. Personally I imagine he will see this as you burdening him further with your wants and needs.

I like what claire said. However I would change it to something like:

I love you. I want things to work out. I feel like I am drowning and I'm going to get help. You have been a wonderful husband. I really do appreciate everything you are doing for us.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Some people are not cut out to be SAHM. I am one of them.

You say you already get less than 3 hours sleep a night? That's going to fuck your mind. Focus on getting sleep. Everything will be 1000 times clearer when you have had sleep.

I will never be perfect, in fact I will always be the deeply flawed, awful wife and mother who cares too much what people think, but that's just who I am. I say things that I don't mean when I get upset or feel cornered or attacked, sometimes awful things. Every single negative thing anyone has ever said sticks in my brain and replays on a loop every day, and the positive stuff gets lost in the mess. This is me.

Get professional help. Hidden in the middle of that is the bit where you say you verbally attack him. Followed by how awful you feel when someone else says bad things to you. And then a statement that you will never change. Hmmm. Start with the GP.

[Kariana]

The job I have applied for is from 18.00 to 00.00 so I would still get about 3 hours sleep a night (though saying that I get considerably less now) it would be so that dh could give up second job.

It worries me hugely to see you write this and suggests that you really are not thinking clearly at the moment. Three hours sleep a night will not make you a better person, a better wife, or a better mother. You need to seriously consider how you getting so little sleep will impact on your relationship with you dh and your ds. If you are struggling now you will be struggling more on less sleep and your child does deserve better than an exhausted mummy, just as you deserve better than to put yourself through this.

I said to a friend of mine just yesterday that we all have an idea of how we want our life to be but sometimes the best thing to do is accept that life isn't like that. You have tried being a SAHM and it isn't working for you. I suspect the isolation is making your anxiety and depression worse for a start. Your first task should be to see the GP, your second task should be to discuss with dh about you returning to work part time. Can you go back to your old job? Or alternatively is there something not too high stress you could take on?

Come at this from the point of view of your husband. He will be exhausted working two jobs and is probably feeling the strain of this as much as you are and of course this leads to him feeling less tolerant as you, which l leads to you feeling worse about yourself, which leads to you making unpleasant comments, which leads to you both feeling underappreciated and so on. It seems to be a vicious cycle which you are both responsible for breaking in a sensible way (ie not by you only sleeping 3 hours per night!)

Personally I would never do a full and part time job and would never want my dh to have to if there was an alternative, it's a highly unpleasant lifestyle. The alternative might involve you giving up your perfect picture of family life but let's face it neither the reality you are living nor your odd night working solution are perfect or even viable.

How is dh's relationship with ds? Would he appreciate spending more time with him? If he gives up his evening job he will be able to do so. Discuss with him how much you appreciate what he's doing but how you see it's destroying you both. You will gain confidence from working and if you see you GP you will hopefully get additional help. All this will lead to a calmer home environment and hopefully a much happier mummy and daddy for ds.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

I hope you didn't send it op, I did like Ledkr re write though.

You seem to have incredibly low self esteem and yet hold your husband in such high regard, don't be so down on yourself. SAHP is bloody hard work without a lot of respect.

[TheNaze73]

Sorry but, it was far too long. I think a lot of people would get to the criticism bit & stop reading

[Cocochoco]

I'd actually look for a nursery and put your baby in childcare for a couple of days a week. Then I would start looking for a job - a daytime one. Being a sahm sounds awful for you, and if you had a good career I would go back fast. Ideally go for part-time or four days a week, but I'd rather be ft than be in the situation you describe. But definitely out your baby in nursery first to give yourself some respite and headspace.

[MakeItRain]

Glad you're not going to send it. I echo going to the GP for support. Lack of sleep and possible pnd could well be be the reasons behind your depression and anxiety.
In a worst case divorce scenario, what you've said in writing there could also go against you if your husband decides he wants to be the resident parent, as you're saying you're not coping with your role. I'm not saying it should go against you - many new mums find things very tough, but things sometimes get nasty in a divorce. Think very hard about what you commit to writing for that reason.

[StarThorn]

No, I'm not taking an evening job to be a martyr. I am taking one to spend the days with my ds, I don't want to send him to daycare, I want him with me. My job had me up all night, I survived on an hours sleep sometimes working with people around th world and having to b on their schedule. This is nothing new. When Ds starts sleeping through it won't be an issue at all.

I am not sending the email. I get that a lot of you think I'm attacking him, and that I do nothing whilst he works 2 jobs. I am just trying to even things up.

Thanks again for all the advice.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I'm glad you have decided against sending the email. I do think you should try to have some appointments with a counsellor and that you shouldn't take the night job until you do.

You sound depressed and anxious but you also sound caught between competing expectations. Otoh you want to be this image of a perfect wife and SAHM but otoh you feel you want to work and contribute. You simply can't do it all. Ignore the expectations you've absorbed from your family about being a SAHM. Ignore the pressures you feel to contribute financially. You need to dig deeper to find what actually works for you, to find and meet your own realistic expectations based on your personality and life. I empathise because I have been there.

If you think you don't have time to spare for counselling then Relate have an online/email service that may suit you. You can send them the email instead of your DH.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I think you've got two things going on here. The first is your mental state. You are clearly struggling with how you see yourself and that's something that will affect every other aspect of your life. But you're going to see your GP about that, which is great.

The second is your DH's attitude towards you, which IMO needs to change sharpish. He does no housework? Why the hell not? SAHMs may be able to do a little more of the housework than their WOHD partners when the DC are a bit older, but it is not to be expected with a baby or toddler, when sleep issues are still at play and the DC need constant supervision. Being a SAHM is a full-time job much more so than the WOHD role at this stage because at home you don't get regular breaks and are having to juggle the role with terrible sleep deprivation. Your job is DS. Your DH's job is earning the money. The rest of the stuff is to be shared. Don't you dare feel bad - for not being able to manage something that should never have been your full responsibility in the first place!

It may be the case that DH is struggling to cope with two jobs, and I can sympathise with that. Been there and done it. It sucks (although I still think your role is harder - having been in both situations). You clearly don't have enough money coming in to cover your lifestyle. Have you checked you are claiming everything you are entitled to? Can you budget more effectively? If not, I sympathise. Hard as it is, sometimes it is just a case of having to get through it whatever way you can. Be wary of thinking that you getting a job will help though - the extra demands on your time and the actual cost of working (travel costs, clothes, food to take etc) may not make it cost effective with a very small child. If you're £20 a week better off, does that cancel out the lost sleep and subsequent inability to cope during the day?

I think you may have got sucked into the competitive tiredness/who's got it harder trap that many couples face with a new baby. That's something counselling can help with, but first I think you and DH need a chat about housework. I'm not surprised you can't cope if it's all your responsibility and WTAF is all the "not having your dinner done for you every night" all about - I sincerely hope that is your unhappy perspective on it rather than something DH has said or implied you should do.

Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

[junebirthdaygirl]

My dh suffers with depression. The most important thing is sleep. You would be very unwise and actually irresponsible to take a job that steals sleep. You would be damaging your relationship more by doing that. To be honest l would be fuming with my dh if he suggested your kind of lifestyle suggestion as l would feel he was not taking responsibility. Your dc will survive fine in part time care as you will be a happier mum and he will be in a happier family. Speak to your GP. Take one step at a time. Get a short part time job for starters. Then bit by bit move forward. Taking extreme measures like working in the evening is out of the question.

[user7755]

I get that a lot of you think I'm attacking him, and that I do nothing whilst he works 2 jobs.

I don't think anyone has said that you do nothing whilst he works two jobs or that you are intentionally attacking him. i think the general consensus has been that you are both tired and the letter is very emotionally loaded and won't help.

I think the fact that you have interpreted it as you have says a lot about your emotional state at the moment, and I think you need more help. You sound like you are used to pushing yourself to the extreme in terms of stress and physical effort and (I'm extrapolating here), sometimes in high powered positions that is considered to be a good thing (almost a badge people wear as a demonstration of how hard they work). That isn't helpful in the longer term (have I imagined that you have had MH support for a long time? If so, the sleep deprivation won't have helped with this), particularly when you have another person relying on you, you can't continue to drive yourself into the ground when that little person needs you to be on the ball.

You are both exhausted and not connecting, sounds like the resentment is building. Can you survive on one wage? If not, childcare may be the best option for all of you, it isn't a failure and it isn't leaving your child with someone else to bring up. It is using your resources in the best way for your family.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

The letter, and most of your posts here, seem very manipulative.

How is getting less than 3 hours sleep a night best for you, your mental health, your child who deserves someone competent and alert (and not in tears at least three times a day) caring for him, or your marriage?

Margaret Thatcher needed more than 3 hours FGS.

Your life is not great right now. More martyrdom, piling even more on your plate, is not the solution. You can't cook dinner and clean the house as it is. You need to see your GP and look into a work-life balance that's healthy for all three of you.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Absolutely nobody has said you "do nothing". The problem is that you are not able to fulfill your current commitments because you are exhausted and probably depressed. That doesn't mean we think you "do nothing".

[StarThorn]

Thank you. I won't be sending the email. I am now looking into other jobs with less hours. I will be looking very closely into my own health, my marriage and my family, the way I perceive myself and the way I am perceived by others.

There has been some really great and constructive advice given, for that I am extremely grateful. I am taking on board what has been said.

I am looking at this with fresh eyes today and think we need a break (not from each other). My dh and I will be having a chat after ds has gone to bed.

I realise it is not possible to get the full scenario across in a post and it is certainly not as black and white as it all appears.

I will be taking a break from MN for a while, and spend some time working on my marriage and my mental health rather than chatting about it here, I figure action is required. Thank you though for all your perspectives - you have no idea how much you have all helped.

[Janecc]

I don't want to send him to daycare. I want him with me

Personally I wouldn't have wanted DD in nursery full time. I sent her one day a week when she was about a year old and had to increase it to three from around 3 yrs old when I became too ill to look after her. The one day a week was a blessing for me to relax and take care of me. It was really good for dds socialisation and the whole nursery experience helped her to transition to school. Had I not been chronically ill, I perhaps would have kept her at a day a week.

You may want your son with you all the time, however, that isn't necessarily what is best for him or you. A well mummy, who looks after herself is what your son needs, not a stressed out frazzled mummy.

[jennyblonde82]

I know you said you are taking a break from mumsnet but I just wanted to reiterate what a few people said for if and when you come back. I hated the idea of sending my children to nursery and was determined to be a stay at home mum. The best thing I ever did for my son and me was get him to start doing two mornings at nursery when he was a just over 1. It was an amazing nursery where he interacted with other children and learnt to make friends, has access to a range of activities and did things like sit down to eat with his peers.
As importantly it gave me a chance to get myself back together emotionally and physically. I felt I could talk to my husband again and began to feel less like a exhausted shell of my former self. I feel I am a better mother from having a couple of hours to do chores, catch up on sleep or exercise. Please consider it.