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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it's out of order to touch someone whilst they're sleeping?

95 replies

MrsPilkington · 11/06/2016 18:28

A few mornings ago I woke up with my oh inside me. His penis obviously. Not his entire self. This morning I woke up to his hand swooshing around in my nether regions.

I am not to most pleasant person in the morning and barked at him "you know, I think that's considered sexual assault, when you intimately touch someone without their permission"

He looked a little taken aback. But I was pretty angry with him. I think it's pretty damn unreasonable. We have a great sex life, neither of us are deprived, then he does things like this and I think you arse hole I've told him before it really weirds me out to be touched while I'm asleep but he loves being woken up in this way and therefore thinks I do too. So aibu or....? I can't even find an or? Is it his manly right to have full time access to my body whenever he fancies?! he's a good man. He's wonderful. But waking up to this every week or two makes me want to club him with my side lamp. Hoping the sexual assault comment wasn't ott but will make him see how bloody ick it makes me feel

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/06/2016 21:53

"He claims he was also asleep on the penis morning."

OK then, you can now add "filthy bare-faced liar" to "rapist".

Has anyone on here read the thread in Relationships about the man who filmed his wife while she was asleep? This pervert sounds just like that. Total ownership. No need of consent. It's bad OP, really, REALLY BAD

SeemsLegit · 11/06/2016 21:53

This has nothing to do with the kinky shit you've done and nobody has said you're being abused necessarily.

HE RAPED YOU! I'm not sure how much clearer we can make it. Your partner is a disgusting rapist. You were not acting out a scenario you were not "playing", you were not in a position to say no or even your safe word and he did it anyway

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/06/2016 22:11

I love the tea vid!!! It makes it so simple and cuts through the weirdiness people have when it comes to women's right to consent with their own body "don't keep pouring tea down their throat' funny and so true :)

I don't think you must automatically break up with your long term partner or report him to the police - unless that's what you want to do. In which case I'd support you wholeheartedly. But if he has made a terrible mistake and now realizes how awful it truly is, and changes completely and forever, then, if that situation is right for you, that's fine.

It's such a tricky balance with this stuff. Mumsnet was wonderful as I gradually realized that my STBXH was not a nice man at all. He was in fact an abusive bastard who ticked the box for every kind of abuse there is (emotional, social, financial, sexual, oh and physical too which was the last to happen and when it finally dawned on me that I wasn't to blame). It took years for me to be able to tell anyone that he used to rape me. Even now I only write it on here, I think I've told only one person in real life. Anyway, waking up to find him in me and on top of me, was part of that. I didn't realise it was rape for a long time & that's why people are being more cautious about you saying it's not abuse as people so often don't see it clearly and it takes a long time to see through the fog and confusion to realise that they're living in a very bad situation indeed.

I think you have to decide what needs to happen now. And id advise you to file it under a 'watchful wait' type of thing rather than a 'forget forever' kind of thing.

Do bear in mind that it's something to watch out for, any other controlling or nasty behaviour where he seems to win no matter what you do, and you spend ally of time trying to keep everything good for your partner, and apologising and to blame for everything.

Tabsicle · 11/06/2016 23:15

OH and I love kink, incl non-consent stuff. I would hit the roof over this. Non-consent is a game. I have a safe word. Any time I can't cope, I say it and he stops.

Sex when you have no capacity to consent isn't kink. It's just appalling behaviour.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 11/06/2016 23:18

That's more than touching.

Unless you've given him an unambiguous free pass to do that whenever he likes, it's rape :(

EveryoneElsie · 11/06/2016 23:19

Hoping the sexual assault comment wasn't ott but will make him see how bloody ick it makes me feel

Stop worrying about hurting his feelings.
Stop making excuses for him.

Focus on what you want and set clear boundaries in plain English, because he needs telling.

Lweji · 11/06/2016 23:30

Many points should be clear.
Nothing that he did was your fault in any way. You shouldn't have had to point out to him that what he did was wrong. Of course he's now worried, but only because you challenged him.
And you cannot consent to having sex while asleep. Even before you fall asleep, because you don't know if you'll want it when you wake up. At best, you'd have to have been very explicit about wanting it.
And you're not throwing anything away. He has.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 11/06/2016 23:34

Regarding the tea thing, it doesn't matter if you sometimes like a sprinkle of chilli or cinnamon in your tea, if you don't fancy spicy tea, today, you don't have spicy tea!

So, even if you (though you haven't mentioned you do) liked to occasionally be woken up for a fuck, if you don't want a fuck tonight because you really would rather sleep, then that fuck should not happen.

The point is, your limits are your limits.

Eve if you like something sometimes, when you're in the mood, it should only happen when you're in the mood. If you've never previously explicitly consented to something happening in a certain way, whenever and wherever, it should never happen in that way, without a halt for consent BEFORE IT HAS EVEN STARTED.

CalleighDoodle · 11/06/2016 23:46

vickyy

OptimisticSix · 12/06/2016 01:09

I was going to say YANBU from the title of this thread when I thought you meant touching your arm etc, but not in the slightest U. He should not be doing that, at all, one little bit and I find it worrying that he thinks it's okay!!!

houseeveryweekend · 12/06/2016 01:21

Right well one time id give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was asleep as well, maybe he thought you were awake etc etc ... but if you have made it very clear that you werent awake and you didnt like it and dont want it to happen again then really this is now sexual assault isnt it. If you want to work on things thats up to you but I think at the very very least you need to sit down with him and have a long chat about how you dont like this behaviour and if it happens again you will be leaving him. And if it happens again do leave him because its honestly not worth staying with someone who lacks respect for you to the extent they can sexually assault you, no matter now much you think you love them and how good they are in other ways.

ValerieSweet · 12/06/2016 08:23

How can you roleplay non-consent with someone who genuinely doesn't value or need your consent? It's not really a game any more.

Lweji · 12/06/2016 08:26

Would we give a stranger the benefit of the doubt?

How many chances are we supposed to give to rapists (or abusers in general)?

ValerieSweet · 12/06/2016 08:33

The fact that you seem to be joking about waking up to find a man inside you, without contraception (his penis, obviously! Not his entire self!), and saying shit like 'is it his manly right to have access to my body whenever he fancies?!?' makes me think that you're either

a) winding us up (since there's a long thread running about the Brock Turner case and consent), or
b) have lost all, all sense of respectful, legal sexual behaviour.

And if it's b), then it sounds like your partner is taking every advantage of this. It isn't a one-off, is it?

...then he does things like this, and I think, you arsehole...
...I've told him before...
...hope the assault comment wasn't OTT but will make him see how bloody ick it makes me feel...

This man is not listening to you.

ValerieSweet · 12/06/2016 08:43

BTW even the title of this thread is minimizing. I half-expected it to be some goady BS like 'a woman fell asleep on my shoulder on the train. I gently nudged her off, and now she's suing me for assault. Hasn't all this nonsense and hysteria about consent gone too far? Political correctness, world gorn mad, etc.'

I don't know what the equivalent UK law is, but the situation you describe would be a felony in the US: 'sexually penetrating an unconscious person'. An unconscious person can't consent. Even if you pre-consented, prior to falling asleep, it wouldn't change the legality. And you didn't even do this: it sounds like you've repeatedly tried to make it clear that you don't like this behaviour.

This thread should have a more accurate title, or a trigger warning.

KeithRichardsPetCat · 12/06/2016 08:46

Woke up a few with my ex repeatedly trying to pull down my pyjama bottoms. On one occasion he managed to get his hand into my knickers IYKWIM..

Hate him for it. How dare he

BadgersNadgers · 12/06/2016 08:49

He's not allowed to think he knows best about your body

This.

He's repeatedly sexually abusing you. That's a fact. What you choose to do about it is your call. Personally I'd buy a taser.

snowpo · 12/06/2016 10:48

I can see where you're coming from OP. From what you say about groping to wake you up which you like, he's just gone a step too far. Provided he realises that & doesn't go there again I can't see why it should be an issue.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2016 12:29

' Provided he realises that & doesn't go there again I can't see why it should be an issue.'

Yes, well, she has already told him. And he still keeps 'going there'.

Fallstar · 12/06/2016 12:39

He raped you. He is a rapist.

It most certainly is an issue. It is also a crime.

So sorry this has happened to you and to others on this thread.

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