To think that it's out of order to touch someone whilst they're sleeping?

[MrsPilkington]

A few mornings ago I woke up with my oh inside me. His penis obviously. Not his entire self. This morning I woke up to his hand swooshing around in my nether regions.

I am not to most pleasant person in the morning and barked at him "you know, I think that's considered sexual assault, when you intimately touch someone without their permission"

He looked a little taken aback. But I was pretty angry with him. I think it's pretty damn unreasonable. We have a great sex life, neither of us are deprived, then he does things like this and I think you arse hole I've told him before it really weirds me out to be touched while I'm asleep but he loves being woken up in this way and therefore thinks I do too. So aibu or....? I can't even find an or? Is it his manly right to have full time access to my body whenever he fancies?! he's a good man. He's wonderful. But waking up to this every week or two makes me want to club him with my side lamp. Hoping the sexual assault comment wasn't ott but will make him see how bloody ick it makes me feel

If you are into kink and stuff, then he should be totally aware of how blooming wrong it is to do something like that without previous consent being given. If he isn't, then he's not being responsible enough and I wouldn't want to play with someone who isn't. He should either look at guidelines like SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk aware consensual kink) before continuing any further with kinky sex.

Limits are frequently discussed and respected in any kink style sexual play in my experience, and even if they aren't and a partner makes a genuine mistake about limits (rather than just pretending to be thick so they get away with it) or you've agreed to try it to see if you like it, someone should only need to be told no once, you don't like it, please don't do that and they should never EVER do it again without discussing it further.

I never found kink confused the issue of consent, in fact, I found I learned to be more assertive and confident about my own limits, my body and my consent.

So wait, not only does he wake you with nonconsensual sex, he also wasn't using contraception? That's way fucked up.

Show him this - if you are asleep you can't consent. Awake you can consent to anything you want - kinky or not it doesn't matter, asleep you can't consent to anything!!!

This is actually rape and he us actually a rapist.

Look up the consent videos about tea. It's along the lines of knowing someone likes tea, but forcing it on them when they have refused it or are unable to accept the offer means you don't have consent.

I once woke up at a party to find someone's hands in my pants having a play. He did not have my consent. I had consented to activities with a different person the previous night (he later became DH) but I would have had no interest in giving this person my consent. Consent is not transferable and can not be assumed.

Fortunately for me I woke up and gave him a hell of a kick in the face.

The lack of contraception makes me think he was also asleep that morning and it's just unfortunate that it happened so near to the time he decided to be a twat. He is also very done with babies.

The dynamics of our relationship have changed and we've been slack with disciplines on both sides since the smallest came along. Perhaps we need a refresher in the entire situation.

OP, please don't minimise this. Even if he was asleep when he penetrated you, it's not just "unfortunate" that a few days later he touched you intimately; he chose that. You also said he did this sort of thing every week or two and was making you angry.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't understand why you don't like this; he needs to accept that you don't and you have autonomy, end of.

Huh. His ears must be burning he's just called from work to say it's been on his mind all day and he's horrified and embarrassed that what he thought would be sexy and fun is so scary when you take a step back and although he hates admitting when he's in the wrong he can't risk the trust we've built up and can i forgive him guess my barking hit home this morning. Genuinely gobsmacked.

you must be a very heavy sleeper! i cant imagine NOT noticing THAT happening.

Oldmums, it happens, OP isn't unique in this. One poor woman was raped in a hotel by a man who went into the wrong room.

There are partners that like this sort of thing. I've enjoyed waking up during sex with partners before. But they would all have been OK with me saying "not today, not feeling it." and they would have stopped without pouting. But birth control wasn't an issue.

This is such a recurring theme on here. Why are there so many arsehoe men who still don't get the concept of consent but feel it's ok to treat " their woman " like piece of meat ?

It seems usually the purpetrators of such assaults are often abusive I other ways too. Just an observation to think about op.

This would actually be totally fine in my relationship, whether it was me waking DP or him waking me. I think it's a bit OTT to say that anyone touching a sleeping person is a rapist without really understanding the dynamics of the relationship!! The difference is that OP has made her feelings clear in the past, so it is very worrying that he'd do the same again..,

His ears must be burning

Or he regularly spies on you on here.

". I think it's a bit OTT to say that anyone touching a sleeping person is a rapist without really understanding the dynamics of the relationship!!"

A sleeping person cannot consent. They are not in a position to have freedom and capacity to consent.

Between couples, there may be different arrangements but absolutely, the default is that the consent isn't there and therefore, it is rape.

He's honestly not abusive in any (I don't want to say other, but I guess it's nessesary) way. He's supportive, hilarious, everything anyone could ask for. It's just this. I guess it's been dripping in the last few months and this morning was blatant out of order groping. Maybe I should have stomped my foot down like I did this morning as soon as it was even a boob hold or a bum squeeze but that's ok! I like those 😅

And he doesn't go on here nor know that I do and I'm not a Mrs any thing never mind pilkington 😳

There is "touching" which I think is okay - sometimes you have to shake people to wake them up - and then there's "putting one's penis into other people's vaginas while they're asleep", which is rape.

And relationship dynamics are meaningless except if they involve an explicitly voiced wish to be woken up this way. Which this relationship obviously doesn't.

but he loves being woken up in this way and therefore thinks I do too

Just realized that now, but ... he likes being woken up being sodomized by a man?

Because unless that's what you mean, that doesn't make much sense.

Also, he claims to have been asleep? I ... do not buy this. But if you do buy it, then you should insist on separate bedrooms. Or perhaps tie him to the bedpost, since you both are kinky.

Thing is OP this is bothering you enough for you to post it on here.

Its your relationship but I would say a come to Jesus meeting is needed to hammer out boundaries. Have it soon.

We love kink and all sorts of rough and pain. Maybe that's why he struggled to see why something so "tame" bothers me so much.

Because you're awake and consenting to your usual kink, which is healthy and fine, whereas being unconscious and non-consenting is sexual assault and rape.

"waking up to this every week or two" sounds like it's pretty frequent.

OP, it's ok to say "a bum squeeze is fine, no more until I'm awake" - your boundary can be wherever you set it. He doesn't have to agree; he has to respect it.

I really think you need to use the words rape and assault. He needs to understand this is not okay

I was raped by a boyfriend who I hadn't had sex with (yet) and I woke to find him with his penis inside me. He stopped when I woke up and screamed at him but he didn't think he'd done anything wrong. I was so traumatised I couldn't get on a crowded bus for a month

You could try a written contract that you both discuss and agree to....where he signs to say no intercourse or touching where underwear goes ,while yr eyes are shut....