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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DS is not invited to this christening

75 replies

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 11:53

Basically a month ago DP got an invitation to a christening, this was for the son of his friends, I have never met these friends or had even heard of them before this invitation, but DP assures me they are like family to him.

I am 7 months pregnant and have a DS who isn't DPs. DS is disabled and has severe complex needs. This is relevant.

Anyway, the invitation said 'to DP and PeterRabbit' no mention of DS. When he showed me th invitation I said that it was lovely, but that I would have DS that day and wouldn't be able to find care for him. He looked disappointed but said nothing more.

A couple of weeks ago he brought up the invitation again. I said yeah I remember but remember I can't go because I have DS. He said I should just bring DS and I said no, he isn't invited, and you can't just turn up to these things with random guests. Particular random guests in massive wheelchairs who aren't ever quiet or still. Again he looked disappointed but didn't say anything more.

Today he told me he was RSVPing to the christening and was I coming or not. I just said no. He got a bit annoyed and asked why and I reiterated that I would have DS that day, he wasn't invited and there was no reason he would be. They hadn't even met me, I was probably added on to be polite, but they didn't have a clue about DS and didn't invite him, and there could be numerous reasons for this. He said he would ask them if DS could come and I said no don't put them on the spot like that. You don't know if the church or venue is wheelchair friendly, you don't know what other children will be there and none of them knew or loved DS and would probably not appreciate him turning up and repeating every word that was said in the ceremony on top note and interrupting everything. I said that nothing was stopping him going, he should go, but I couldn't and he could explain my absense by just saying that I had to stay with DS and no one would be bothered (seeing as I've never met or heard of these people and they probably don't give two shits if I'm there or not)

Now DP is in a really bad mood. But won't say why.

Is it really that unreasonable of me to not bring a child with high needs, to the christening and family after do of a family we've never met, which he wasn't even invited to? I don't care that he wasn't invited, even if he had no needs there would be no reason for him to be invited to this. Like I say they probably only added me on to be polite. Is this really such a big deal? Am I missing some very important reason why he can't just go, tell people I had to stay with DS and have a fun time with his friends?

OP posts:
biscuitkumquat · 11/06/2016 12:01

Maybe DP is very proud of you & wants to show you off?

wheresthel1ght · 11/06/2016 12:04

I think he doesn't want to go alone but that doesn't mean yabu not to go. I would let him ask if ds can attend as it is clearly important to him.

My best friends dad asked her to ask me if he could attend dd's christening but made the caveat that he would sit at the back and leave straight after the service - I have know him since I was 16 (was 33 when dd was christened). It never occurred to me that he would want to come hence not inviting him which may well be the case here or they may not know ds's name and just assumed you would bring him (which would be what I would have done in this case)

Bf's dad and mum came to the whole christening - it was fab and they were lovely and no imposition as I had catered for way too many people and poor dp was eating sarnies and quiche for weeks after (God bless freezers)

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:04

Probably biscuit, and that is very sweet, but would you appreciate an extra uninvited guest just randomly turning up who would be loud and disruptive and need particular facilities?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:06

Where I would let him ask if DS was nice and quiet and easy. But I'd be bumbling around with a large wheelchair, and he would repeat everything the priest said and if a baby cried he would start roaring Blush

OP posts:
Hulababy · 11/06/2016 12:06

A christening is normally a family type affair and children present. I've never heard of a child free christening as yet. Any invitation we've had for a christening hadn't necessarily had dd's name on but has definitely included her.

Can't see the problem with him asking them tbh either though.

If you don't want to go that's different, but if it's just because of your ds I wouldn't decline without checking first.

Hulababy · 11/06/2016 12:08

I wouldn't tell someone not to bring their child with SN anymore than of tell someone with a toddler or child they couldn't come .

And if he was being overly noisy and it bothered you, then you can take him out.

Most churches these days have wheelchair access, as do most public venues.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/06/2016 12:09

Do you have regular respite care to help?

Any chance he's annoyed about you and him not being able to go? He doesn't yet have children of his own so maybe he's not yet aware that your life as a family doesn't mean a lot of fun evening events without children?

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:09

Maybe it's me then. Being honest no, I don't really want to take DS somewhere that no one knows him knowing full well he's going to be disruptive, probably won't fit in the toilet and will probably be judged Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:11

We have respite care but I need to save up the hours for the birth and afterwards so I don't really have any option at the moment. Pre pregnancy I would have been able to sort it but not now.

Unfortunately in my experience most churches and buildings don't have disabled access at all, and the disabled toilets rarely fit the wheelchair in them.

OP posts:
liz70 · 11/06/2016 12:16

Surely the point of a Christening is to welcome a child into the Christian community, which definition should be all welcoming? The church should have a ramp - many parishioners are aged after all - and the priest should and probably has had to conduct ceremonies with surrounding distractions. I wouldn't discount taking your DS if your DP's friends okay it; if it gets a bit much for him then you can always go out.

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:16

It probably is me then. I'll just have to suck it up and accept his mood. Blush thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
PumpkinPies38 · 11/06/2016 12:20

YANBU at all why can't he understand? All the reasons you state are totally valid you can't just bring a random guest to an event and it is rude to put the hosts on the spot. You haven't even met them as you say. He needs to grow up.

Junosmum · 11/06/2016 12:22

YANBU. How close can they be if you'd never heard of them!

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:24

Thanks pies.

Juno I don't know how close they could be. DP has a tendency to think of all of his friends as 'very close' even if they aren't really. That's why I mentioned the fact I've never heard of them along with the fact that he said they're like family.

That might be the reason for the clash, as we see the situation so differently.

OP posts:
SalemSaberhagen · 11/06/2016 12:27

YANBU Peter.

Also to pp, 'show [her] off?' Yuck, what a horrible turn of phrase.

TellAStory · 11/06/2016 12:28

I have a disabled ds who can be disruptive. I know where you are coming from!!! In all honesty I think many of the previous posters who have said go along, everyone will be welcoming and happy to see you are living in some sort of parallel universe!!!

I think you are right not to go, it could be really difficult for you and DS and as you say a polite "of course you can all come" could be very much regretted by the hosts if the service is disrupted. I wouldn't only want to take my ds along if I knew the invitation had been made in the full knowledge of ds needs.

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 12:30

Thanks tellastory that's exactly how I feel. Like they'd say 'yeah course' not knowing exactly what that would mean.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 11/06/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/06/2016 12:31

Let him sulk.

You've made a decision that suits you and your child. He's acting like the fucking Queen is after you to go to her party.

It's a christening. He'll survive if you're not there. And frankly, he shouldn't be pressuring you. What if you get there and there's no access for your ds's chair? What if there's no access at the venue?

happypoobum · 11/06/2016 12:31

YANBU, I wouldn't go.

All this guff of them being like family but you've never even heard them mentioned before seems odd.

Let him go on his own - he's being a bit pathetic. Sulking is very unattractive.

cosytoaster · 11/06/2016 12:33

YANBU - it sounds like it would be a stressful experience all round for you and it's not as if you're saying he can't go.

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 11/06/2016 12:34

I definitely wouldn't go, and nor would I ask them if DS is invited - it puts them in an awkward position where they feel like they have to say yes. I can't see why DP is sulking either - surely if he just wants you and DS to be there he would be appearing sad, not sulking at you!

VashtaNerada · 11/06/2016 12:35

I think it's up to you if you go or not. If DS can be hard work I can understand why you wouldn't want to go somewhere unfamiliar. But I'm sure he would be welcome (particularly if DH told them in advance) and you could always take him outside if he becomes disruptive.

Witchend · 11/06/2016 12:39

I can see both sides.

They may have a church which is pretty inaccessible, have a party afterwards that is in a small venue that is also difficult to have a large wheelchair in.

On the other hand, as a regular church goer I would be delighted to see thhat you'd brought your ds as long as he enjoyed it too. Last Christmas eve there was a young teen, sound similar to your ds, and she was just so excited she couldn't be quiet. Her dm was using distraction to keep her as low level as possible during the quiet bits, but joy just kept bursting out of her.
It sounds silly but it really was delightful to listen to and I for one (we were directly in front of her so heard it all) would have hated to feel they feel they couldn't have attended in case she disturbed them.

If you dh feels they're like family, could he phone and explain the situation. I suspect he might suddenly realise they're not that close.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 11/06/2016 12:39

Your partner is being very unreasonable for not explaining why this upsets him. You are being very sensible.