Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DS is not invited to this christening

75 replies

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 11/06/2016 11:53

Basically a month ago DP got an invitation to a christening, this was for the son of his friends, I have never met these friends or had even heard of them before this invitation, but DP assures me they are like family to him.

I am 7 months pregnant and have a DS who isn't DPs. DS is disabled and has severe complex needs. This is relevant.

Anyway, the invitation said 'to DP and PeterRabbit' no mention of DS. When he showed me th invitation I said that it was lovely, but that I would have DS that day and wouldn't be able to find care for him. He looked disappointed but said nothing more.

A couple of weeks ago he brought up the invitation again. I said yeah I remember but remember I can't go because I have DS. He said I should just bring DS and I said no, he isn't invited, and you can't just turn up to these things with random guests. Particular random guests in massive wheelchairs who aren't ever quiet or still. Again he looked disappointed but didn't say anything more.

Today he told me he was RSVPing to the christening and was I coming or not. I just said no. He got a bit annoyed and asked why and I reiterated that I would have DS that day, he wasn't invited and there was no reason he would be. They hadn't even met me, I was probably added on to be polite, but they didn't have a clue about DS and didn't invite him, and there could be numerous reasons for this. He said he would ask them if DS could come and I said no don't put them on the spot like that. You don't know if the church or venue is wheelchair friendly, you don't know what other children will be there and none of them knew or loved DS and would probably not appreciate him turning up and repeating every word that was said in the ceremony on top note and interrupting everything. I said that nothing was stopping him going, he should go, but I couldn't and he could explain my absense by just saying that I had to stay with DS and no one would be bothered (seeing as I've never met or heard of these people and they probably don't give two shits if I'm there or not)

Now DP is in a really bad mood. But won't say why.

Is it really that unreasonable of me to not bring a child with high needs, to the christening and family after do of a family we've never met, which he wasn't even invited to? I don't care that he wasn't invited, even if he had no needs there would be no reason for him to be invited to this. Like I say they probably only added me on to be polite. Is this really such a big deal? Am I missing some very important reason why he can't just go, tell people I had to stay with DS and have a fun time with his friends?

OP posts:
Jaynebxl · 11/06/2016 12:39

To be honest I think you've been a bit prickly OP. There are clearly two issues here.

  1. Dps friends didn't invite your ds. They probably don't know anything about him. But if you had wanted to go you could easily have said to DP to check out with the friends who are apparently like family what the disabled access is like because he would like to bring his sds. I don't think there'd be anything wrong with this. It's not a child free wedding, it's a christening where there will be other children. It would be perfectly fine for him to ask about this and assume ds is invited too.
  2. Your child's sn. This is a totally separate issue. In your shoes I'd probably show willing and go for some of it. There will probably be other noisy children. If it's too much in the service you could take ds out and have a little walk then come back for the after service bit.
I think you need to make sure dp knows it is only because of the sn issues you're not going, assuming these can't be accommodated, and actually lots of churches have great access, especially if they're more modern or have been renovated. At the moment I guess it feels to him lime you're just upset ds name wasn't on the invite.
2nds · 11/06/2016 12:39

I'd let him go by himself, not because I was unsure if the places were equipped or not, or whether the child woukd be welcome or not but simply because I think a whole day with a load of strangers might not be fun for the child.

pieceofpurplesky · 11/06/2016 12:40

Go to the after thing with DS - get your dp to
Explain why you can't be at church.
I am a little ShockConfusedat why you have never heard mention of such close friends though. How long have you been together?

Jaynebxl · 11/06/2016 12:40

Would it really be a whole day?

2nds · 11/06/2016 12:42

You know your own child and you know what the child can and can't cope with. You seem reluctant to bring the child anyway so for me it's a no brainer.

These people can meet you and your child on another occasion, maybe a more relaxed meet up, a meal out, a picnic in the park or whatever.

diddl · 11/06/2016 12:43

He sounds really odd!

Your son isn't invited & you don't have childcare!

Seems quite easy to understand.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/06/2016 12:45

If they're that close, why don't they know about ds?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/06/2016 12:46

I suppose they need to meet DS sooner or later, if they will be close friends of you all. Could you go to the after party?

Meluzyna · 11/06/2016 12:51

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It your DS were "your average six year old" then I would say that the fact that he is not specifically invited was not relevant and you should go "as a family" - although it might be prudent for your partner to mention that you'd have a 6 year-old in tow when he RSVPd. However, under the circumstances I think your partner is being extremely unreasonable. He obviously doesn't realise how stressful would it be for you to cope with your SN son in a churchful of strangers who don't understand his needs and difficulties..... and possibly have the hosts resent his (and therefore, your) presence.

Do these friends of his live very far away? Would it be at all possible for you to either invite them to call for a coffee at yours or for you to pop in to see them before the christening, so they get to meet both you and your son and see him at his best,, rather than as an unexpected disturbance on their own child's "big day"? If you didn't want to explain precisely why you were inviting them to call at yours beforehand you could make out it was because you felt unable to attend the christening due to pregnancy fatigue.
Hope your DP sees reason,
Mel

Pagwatch · 11/06/2016 12:54

YANBU

And whilst well intentioned, all the posts about 'well we would love to welcome a child with SN to church, of course he should go' are nonsense.

Sitting in a quiet church with a child who has needs which make him noisy means that people will look around and huff and whisper. That's reality.
And does her son want to go? Or is it hours of fucking around for something he couldn't give a stuff about?'
He doesn't have to be dragged around so people can be pleased about how inclusive they are.
If the op doesn't want to do that for people she doesn't know her DP should support her and respect that.

Again, I totally, utterly accept the sincerity of the posters on here. But I'm not sure it's what the op or her son would want.

2nds · 11/06/2016 12:56

Am I the only person who finds it odd that these friends just pop up when they've got a christening on the horizon? For me a christening is a time for the people who matter the most to come and celebrate my kids being introduced into our faith, not a time to dig out old buddies I've not seen in years

tigermoll · 11/06/2016 12:56

Maybe I'm missing a chip, but I've never understood the expectation that you have to accompany your partner to all social events. Your DP is a grown up, and is perfectly capable of attending the christening solo. If you don't fancy joining him WHATEVER the reasons for that might be you don't have to.

Everyone saying "I'm sure your son will be very welcome and provision will definitely be in place for his needs" are ignoring the fact that the OP has repeatedly and clearly said that she doesn't want to go.

OP, don't go. And don't a sulking man-child guilt you into it. After all, it won't be him having to make sure your son is happy through the ceremony and after-party, will it? It'll be you.

Chewbecca · 11/06/2016 13:00

What is DP actually suggesting?

  • That the three of you go - in which case he needs to clear with the host
  • that you get care for DS - can he help arrange this?

Sounds like you are expected to magically resolve the problem, what exactly is the resolution he wants to see?

2nds · 11/06/2016 13:01

Not to mention you are 7 months pg, what will you be by the day of the christening, 8, 9 months?

Obeliskherder · 11/06/2016 13:06

I think YANBU and your DP is BU to be huffy. I'm sure it's because he loveps you and would love you to be there.

It's not because of your DS's high needs, it'd be the same with any other child. I think he should reply saying you have DS that weekend so can't come, and that gives his friends an opportunity to extend the invitation, or not. If they do, mention his needs then.

Drquin · 11/06/2016 13:09

In fairness to the these complete strangers 2nds, the OP's partner reckons the friends are "as close as family". So, it's not just folk digging out random acquaintances to invite Wink

But, it all sounds a bit each not knowing the other's circumstances .....
I'd happily invite old friend, and include the partner on invite even if I hadn't met them. The child not being invited I'd probably put down to not even knowing the "new" partner had a child, let alone a child who had needs such that my venue / arrangements may not be ideal. So I'd not think anything odd of the child not being invited.

Equally, DP is being a bit funny insisting the child comes along, if he can't see OP isn't happy with it all.

Happy medium I think, would be DP arranges to invite / meet friends, introduce OP & son to friends at another time before christening. Either DP says "we" can't make christening as son wouldn't cope / enjoy it and we don't have other care options. Or "I" will pop along, OP will be with son.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/06/2016 13:11

If they are like family to him, why did he not ask them about your ds and if it's ok to go? If they still say no, than you have no other choice and your partner is being a prat. Who does he expect to look after your ds with complex needs. Like its very easy to find someone.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/06/2016 13:13

You should have asked him to ask them. Seems like a breakdown in communication.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/06/2016 13:14

Personally if it was me, and I invited an old friend, who explained DP had a child and could only come with the child I'd say yes, bring them.

Even if the friend explained all the child's needs and disabilities I'd say come. I'd even check out the venue to see how accomadating it would be for them. Obviously I'd be honest about changing facilities etc as I wouldn't want someone being stuck.

But I wouldn't want you to feel unwelcome - nor would your DS be unwelcome.

gingerboy1912 · 11/06/2016 13:16

Do the couple giving out invites not know about your sons needs if you are living with your dp and they are like family to him? Hmm but no I would sit this one out op you dont need the stress neither does your son. If your Dp wanted you to get to know his 'family' he should be introducing you to them.

MunchCrunch01 · 11/06/2016 13:20

I agree it's a bit odd that they haven't already met your son - why not suggest a meet up at yours so better for ds instead and buy their baby a little present to show goodwill?

MunchCrunch01 · 11/06/2016 13:20

At another time obviously, not the christening day!

RunLillian · 11/06/2016 13:22

they didn't have a clue about DS and didn't invite him

How long have you been with DP? Do you and he consider him to be step-parent to DS? It strikes me as very odd that close friends who are 'like family' wouldn't know that he has responsibilities relating to your DS.

trafalgargal · 11/06/2016 13:28

Sometimes you just don't want to take your child to an event enough.

The OP is 7 months pregnant and these like family people have never made any effort to meet her ......and now her OH wants them to go (possibly uninvited) so all these strangers can stare at the wheelchair and whisper and she can then worry about her son disrupting the service as any noise he makes will be ultra noticeable as they simply aren't used to him and his ways .

I wouldn't go either ......it's hard enough with a disabled child amongst friends ....with all strangers I'd be telling the OH to jog on.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/06/2016 13:35

Your dp's behaviour is very odd.

These friends are like family to him, so close. Yet, he keeps asking you to go to this event, without trying to find out whether your ds is invited or the venue is suitable, etc. Is he usually this pig-headed? How can he expect a different answer from you when nothing has changed from when he initially asked?