To think that DS is not invited to this christening

[LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly]

Basically a month ago DP got an invitation to a christening, this was for the son of his friends, I have never met these friends or had even heard of them before this invitation, but DP assures me they are like family to him.

I am 7 months pregnant and have a DS who isn't DPs. DS is disabled and has severe complex needs. This is relevant.

Anyway, the invitation said 'to DP and PeterRabbit' no mention of DS. When he showed me th invitation I said that it was lovely, but that I would have DS that day and wouldn't be able to find care for him. He looked disappointed but said nothing more.

A couple of weeks ago he brought up the invitation again. I said yeah I remember but remember I can't go because I have DS. He said I should just bring DS and I said no, he isn't invited, and you can't just turn up to these things with random guests. Particular random guests in massive wheelchairs who aren't ever quiet or still. Again he looked disappointed but didn't say anything more.

Today he told me he was RSVPing to the christening and was I coming or not. I just said no. He got a bit annoyed and asked why and I reiterated that I would have DS that day, he wasn't invited and there was no reason he would be. They hadn't even met me, I was probably added on to be polite, but they didn't have a clue about DS and didn't invite him, and there could be numerous reasons for this. He said he would ask them if DS could come and I said no don't put them on the spot like that. You don't know if the church or venue is wheelchair friendly, you don't know what other children will be there and none of them knew or loved DS and would probably not appreciate him turning up and repeating every word that was said in the ceremony on top note and interrupting everything. I said that nothing was stopping him going, he should go, but I couldn't and he could explain my absense by just saying that I had to stay with DS and no one would be bothered (seeing as I've never met or heard of these people and they probably don't give two shits if I'm there or not)

Now DP is in a really bad mood. But won't say why.

Is it really that unreasonable of me to not bring a child with high needs, to the christening and family after do of a family we've never met, which he wasn't even invited to? I don't care that he wasn't invited, even if he had no needs there would be no reason for him to be invited to this. Like I say they probably only added me on to be polite. Is this really such a big deal? Am I missing some very important reason why he can't just go, tell people I had to stay with DS and have a fun time with his friends?

How can he have friends who are as close as family that he's not mentioned or seen in all the time you've known him?

I think I get it.

The husband thinks of his wife and step son as an integral part of his family and doesn't want to think of attending an event of old friends who are 'like family' to him without them. To him it's a simple thing to add his step son and maybe a credit to him that he doesn't see the boys special needs as an issue. He can't fathom why OP is rejecting his old friends and making an issue of it.

OP, try this. Tell him your live to meet these old friends, pick out s gift and write a thoughtful card together and extend an invitation to lunch in a months time. Assure your husband that you'd love to meet them but you don't want to disrupt the christening by bringing you son and you'd rather they met him and you got the first time when you're at your best rather than in the kind of social situation which your son finds difficult.

I've got close friends that, for various reasons, I sometimes go for long periods of time without seeing. That can happen. What's off here is how passive your DP is being. I would expect him, as soon as you pointed out your DS wasn't invited, to offer to phone the friends himself, find out about the venue and explain that he would really like his stepson to come if the venue was suitable and you were then agreeable. Instead he's made it all about you and your reaction. He could Have

..made more effort to handle this as a family issue.

I think you should stuck to your guns, and dont go. You have enough on your plate being 7 months pregnant, and that is a prefectly good reason, in its self not to go, he can tell the couple you dont feel up to it, Your husband can go on his own!

'People will turn around and huff and whisper'. Yes, they absolutely will. I think it will be an uncomfortable situation for you and your DS.

I wouldn't go if I were you.

I think this is something which you do need to sort out between you though. This is probably only the first of many occasions when you will need to/wish to stay behind from a party/church service/celebration/other event with your son because of his needs/access requirements/distance etc. Is your DP going to object every time you put your DS before him?

You are being extremely reasonable and sensible. Christenings are not events I go to or get invited to often but it would not in a million years have occurred to me that an invitation to "me and named partner" or "me and unnamed plus one" could be extended to include my son.

Actually no matter what the event was unless it specifically made clear it was extended to my son I would not have expected him to be included.

I can't see any reason why this invitation should include your son.

I wouldn't take a child who hadn't been invited and who was likely to be disruptive to someone else's event. I think it is rude and your dp is being a bit of a twat imo. You have told him 3 times why you can't go and now he is sulking until you give in and he gets his own way. Tell him to stop acting like a fucking child!

Also find it hard to believe these people are like family yet you have never heard of them.

Dr Quin friends who are like family to him yet he's never mentioned them? Sounds like they were once close but no longer are.

Hi everyone thanks for all your messages. Sorry it's taken so long to respond.

I think people are right, he does see DS as part of his family very much so and probably wants to 'show off' his family, not me in that way, just like 'look what I've built for myself' because he is older and he didn't think he'd ever have a family and I know he is very proud of us all, including DS. Also because of the circles I run in, he's only seen me and DS in our comfort zones, with people who think his quirks are endearing rather than disruptive, so hasn't really come across anything negative so maybe he just doesn't see at all why it might be an issue.

DP works a lot, like 12 hour shifts and then has pretty time consuming hobbies on his days off, so when we have family time it's often just us 3, or us 3 and his immediate family, who also love and accept DS, but they know his issues and understand why he is the way he is.

I feel a bit mean being grumpy with him now, I think someone upthread was right and I have been defensive and prickly about it, but people absolutely would stare and huff, that's the way people are sometimes and it's something I have to accept and think about unfortunately.

I'll be 8 months pregnant at the event as well, with a heavy wheelchair and a child who's big now and harder to manover, sk just slipping out wouldn't be as easy and I'm worried I'd end up making a scene trying to get back out again if he did start making his noises. I'm thinking that people like the christening to be all about their baby these days and I'd not be able to be the grey woman and they might be annoyed by it. They might not be, I don't know, I don't know them at all.

If people knew him, loved him, and understood him I wouldn't think twice. But this isn't the case here. We are strangers to them.

Also upthread someone asked if DS would even be bothered, he wouldn't be. He would be bored and frustrated with crying baby noises (something he's going to have to start getting used to) and confined to his chair, whereas if DP went on his own we would have a nice day at home.

Maybe I'll see where the after event is and make an appearance for an hour or so.

If these friends are so close tell your dp to invite them round. Where ds is in his comfort zone, and you have a big enough bathroom! A public event full of strangers sounds like it could be hell on earth for your ds and therefor you.

Sit your DH down and get him to look at it from his friends' angle.

They are planning on having a lovely day with a celebration where all the attention will be on their son. They will want everyone at the ceremony to see and hear what's being said, because to them it's a very special occasion.
I don't know if christenings are recorded like weddings but perhaps that's part of their plan.

He has a few options :-

• He either sees sense and complies with what you have suggested and goes alone.

• He asks if your son can come, disclosing that he is disabled and will be disruptive, thereby putting his friends in a very awkward position. If they say yes their envisioned day could be very different to how they expected and if they say no, then that makes them look dreadful.

• He decides you all turn up anyway unannounced with no idea of any facilities and access available - surely even he can see this isn't possible.

For everyone who has said that when your son becomes disruptive you could just take him outside, where are they expecting you to actually go? Many old churches have gravel paths where it's almost impossible to push a chair or buggy. What would you be expected to do if it rained, go and sit in the car with him for the duration of the celebrations?

It would be fabulous if there was a way of knowing that your son would be welcomed at the christening and happily accepted for being himself, but I've an awful feeling that this non-PC scenario would apply. At least some of the guests, the ones who have never encountered disabilities like your son's, would not be very pleasant for what they would see as you "spoiling" the christening because of his unintentional disruption.

Look on any of the SN boards and see the comments from thick judgy pants 'friends and family' of kids with SN who 'know for a fact' that any disruptive behaviour is a 'choice' and it has to be the rubbish parent's fault if it occurs in public.

I agree with your assessment of the situation re the venue and all the people there being strangers to you and your son, your DP needs to go alone.

Thanks blankmind. That's exactly what I'm thinking. I wouldn't want DS to unintentionally spoil someone's day. And I wouldn't want DS is a position where some nasty people might possible judge him for things he can't help.

I think you're right not to take DS as he wasn't invited but you say you will have DS on that day, so does that mean there are days when you don't have him? If yes, could you swap days with whoever has him on other days?

Yes I don't have DS one day a week as he visits his dad. Nobcan't swap, well I could but I'm pretty must using up all the favours with DSs dad for the birth, and I've swapped for some appointments, so swapping for a strangers christening isn't really going to be a priority at the moment. Plus swapping days really upsets my DSs routine so we only do it when completely necessary.

Ill have a proper talk with DP soon.

You seem really wise and your DP is super wrong.

The comments here telling you to take DS are all virtue signaling and moral posturing. The truth is that I would not mind a child I loved being disruptive during a ceremony but I would be less than thrilled by a random child that I didn't know basically taking over an event they weren't even invited to.

You need to explain to your DP that it is hurtful to your DS to put him situations where he is being set up to fail.

Hang on a sec. If your DP is really proud of you all then why wouldn't he be helping you taking DS out if necessary, while you're pregnant ? It sounds as though you feel it's all down to you to deal with. But if you're a family then surely he'll be there to pitch in ?

He would help, but it would be disruptive. It wouldn't be as easy as me slipping out quietly without anyone noticing.

All the small things, that's what I'm worried about, him taking over things. Unintentionally making it all about me and my DS because we can't fit quietly in the corner like you're supposed to on someone else's day.

I'm going to sit and explain things properly. It is probably a bit my fault he's taken it the wrong way because I've been prickly and unhelpful myself reading the feedback here. I'm willing to accept I have as well. And put my bit right.

My son has special needs also and I get really uncomfortable in situations like this - not because I'm embarrassed myself that he is disruptive etc but because I desperately want to protect him from people who will judge or look down on him. So a bunch of strangers who will just stare when he has a meltdown wouldn't be my first choice of company!

I don't take my don to weddings etc.
He wouldn't enjoy it and frankly anyone who says they don't mind being the recipient of an entire afternoon of staring and whispering is a liar.
He came with me to my fathers funeral and my sisters funeral and was amazing. I was immensely proud of him but it was a dress for him and I had to stop myself worrying about the few arseholes that were whispering and exchanging looks.
I simply wouldn't do any formal events unless it was really important to me.

I meant my son. And I was talking about his stress - not dress.

LittlePeterRabbit

I have to say that it doesn't sound like a coincidence to me that you have a great community of people around you who love your son and accept all of his quirks. You being respectful (and non judgmental) of strangers and their needs is probably why.

I think a lot of parents, even of NT kids, would happily go in this situation and allow their children to disrupt the entire ceremony because "love me, love my kids!" and then would be very bitter about any ensuing loss of trust in their friendship circles and how they were being "judged" or "excluded". My guess is that your way leads to a much happier and healthier life.

Hopefully you can get your DP to understand too

Aww thanks so much A11 that's a lovely thing to say.

Yanbu

Your dp is being utterly unthinking and inconsiderate.

Being 8 months pregnant is reason enough not to go!

If these friends were really 'like family' they'd know all about you and ds and (barring crazy distance issues) you'd have met them. You'd have at least spoken to them.

Not all churches are accessible and even when they are the bathroom facilities are often rubbish. Then there's the after venue AND transport to consider.

On mn anyone taking a cursory look at the sn board or the currently running threads on disability on the other boards (2nd class citizen, wheelchairs on buses etc) will see that the attitudes to the disabled by a significant number of people is still really shitty. The op shouldn't have to deal with the high likelihood of prejudice against her son (tutting whispers dirty looks) plus practical problems plus being 8 months pregnant!

Your dp is behaving like a petulant toddler!