Aibu not to pay more maintenance?

[Stepmotherofdragons]

Name changed for this.

ExH and I split up when ds was 4. He has remarried and has a couple more kids. I live with dp and my DD who is 18. Ex is the rp as he didn't work when we were together.

I have my ds three weekends out of four and two extra midweek days in those four weeks. I also have him extra weeks during the holidays etc. It works out he spends over a third of his time with me.

I pick ds up at 6pm on a Friday and drop him to school on Monday morning. DS doesn't do any out of school activities during the week but I do try to take him out at least once over the weekend. We go bowling, soft play, wildlife centres, fun fairs etc. I try to vary it and he has a friend we meet up with too.

Ex doesn't seem to do anything similar with him on his weekend. Although they do go on holiday every other year and also does a big day out (Chessington etc) with him once or twice a year. I haven't had a holiday in years.

I provide a full wardrobe of clothes for ds when he is here. He needs as many toys/electronics/bits of random crap here as he actually probably spends more leisure time with me. He has bikes, scooters etc at both houses.

Financially dp and I are struggling due to being made redundant four times between us and periods off work due to illness. Our income has dropped by 40% since dp moved in with me six years ago. We make ends meet every month but I am still paying off debts built up from when I was with ex.

Ex earns about £28,000. I earn £21,000. I had to take a significant pay drop six months after we split up.

Ex gets the child benefit and used to get tax credits, but that was a few years ago so I don't know if he and his wife are still entitled to anything. They have a couple of children together now as well so the new wife fits some part time work in when ex isn't at work. They don't pay for any childcare. They have two cars and are currently saving up for a big holiday skiing, just to give you a picture of their finances. I would think they are fairly comfortable financially.

I pay half of uniform costs, school trips etc. I organise and pay for his birthday parties.

I give ex £100 a month. It sounds really tight but it really is all I can afford right now. I even paid the same amount when I was on statutory sick pay for months and also when I struggled to find work after two redundancies.

But when I think about it, he gets at least £170 a month extra for being the rp. I still need to provide a room, heating, electric etc for ds. Ds has his own room at my house and shares with his little brother at his dads. All other costs are paid 50/50. Ex feeds dw for a few extra days but I pay for most of his weekly entertainment. I probably spend about £80 a month on our trips out.

Do you think our arrangement is fair or am I paying too little?

Obviously I meant the Child maintenance calculator not CMA - typo.

I currently have ds 11 nights out of 28. If I have 50/50 it would be 14 nights. So it would only work out 3 extra nights.

peachpudding it works out I already pay more than the minimum, plus I pay half of most of his other expenses. I havent said I am not going to pay or even reduce the amount. Have you been reading a different thread or are you projecting?

Stepmotherofdragons, if you're paying your fair share then you are doing the right thing. All you have to do is use the Child maintenance calculator (link already in this thread) , it takes like 5 minutes and takes into account how many nights a week you have DC. No one on MN knows your full financial situation. Just work out the fair amount and you have your answer.

It just feels like this thread is about wanting moral permission to not pay what you're supposed to. I apologise if you are but a lot of mothers have to deal with a lot of deadbeat dads who won't pay a fair share.

xpost. If you are paying above whats required then you are totally in the right. What is it your so worried about then?

In fact I would even suggest you only pay the minimum but put the extra into a savings account for your DC and give it to them whey they are 18.

I did the calculation on the first page. It works out I should pay £70 when I actually pay £100.

I brought dd up without any financial contribution from her father. I don't consider that my financial responsiblities to her ended on her 18th birthday. She is still 18 and doesn't earn enough to be totally self sufficient yet. If she were 28 thern I would see your point but she isn't really ready to be chucked out of the nest yet. I will do similar for ds too.

I wasn't sure I was right until I did the calculation. I also didn't realise that some people pay the csa minimum and no more.

The amount I am liable to pay seems to be less than I thought, due mainly to the amount of nights I have ds here.

I would do the same as the above poster. Stop paying half of all the activities and only pay the minimum amount to ex. Use some of the extra money to spend on your son when he's with and put the rest away for him to give him when he's 18 (for car, college, house deposit etc)
It's what we do since we found out the majority of maintenance we were paying to DHs other children was going on spa weekends , designer clothes and haircuts for his ex wife whilst the children didn't even have school shoes that fit properly! (We bought them some btw)

When he's with you that should say!

Stepmotherofdragons, well there you go, you are paying plenty so you are very reasonable to NOT pay more. If you are sure you have used the correct figures in the calculator then consider putting the £30 difference into saving account for DC. It will help your peace of mind if ex complains.

In my experience most dead beat dads Don't pay the CSA minimum. FYI its a legal minimum but not a moral minimum. If you pay that it should be plenty.

In relation to your 18YO DD I was only referring to the law not a normal parental expectation.

I always have paid with no argument. Mainly because of dd I guess not paying wasn't even an option. The fact her dad didn't pay maintenance for her was something she was really angry at him for. When he tried to criticise me she told him that he had no right considering I bought every pair of shoes she wore, every item of clothes she wore and paid for every school trip without his help. So when I was in the situation of being a nrp it was important that ds could look back and know that I didn't dodge any of my responsibilities towards him.

OP I've pm you. You pay more than enough. I get 155 a month and don't get help with uniforms. we do however take turns to pay for school activities.

peachpudding and the drip feeding would have been called out quick.

*I find this thread a bit upsetting. Having experience of a similar situation I read the posts imagining the op was a man talking about contributing to the mother with residence. TBF if the op was a man he would have been crucified on MN. So a lot of hypocrisy here.

£100 a month is the price of a co-op sandwich a day. What does the CMA calculator say you should pay?

What I am hearing is a lot of excuses.

I can't pay a fair share because I want to support my adult child at college who pays no rent.

I can't pay a fair share because I paid for my DC to have a haircut.

I can't pay a fair share because I want to want to spend money on tombolas and inflatables at the weekend.

And the worst of all, I can't pay a fair share because I paid maintenance when I was unemployed. As if somehow children stop having expenses, when one parent is unemployed.

This is your child, if you can't pay for their upkeep then get a second job, get your adult child to pay rent. Its your responsibility to contribute to your childs upbringing until they are 18.*

I actually agree with a lot of this and I think it sums up the issue. The OP, according to her post, earns a decent wage (as does her current partner) and yet seems to be exceedingly bad at managing money if all she is contributing is £100 a month from a good salary to HER CHILD.

And that's before we consider the elder daughter who is an adult and is living rent free and I assume having all her food and utilities paid for her while on an apprenticeship - where she is earning a wage (albeit if on min apprenticeship wages it's only £3.30, but it's still a wage.)

Peach, OP is allowed to post about an issue that worries her! It seems like she didn't work out the CSA minimum before starting the thread as they have a private arrangement.

We did earn well until the recession came and we were both made redundant - twice. We have both had periods off work job hunting and also a period of being on statutory sick pay. Our total income is 40% lower than it was six years ago.

I paid for work clothes for dd when she started this office job. I occasionally treat her to a new top for a night out with the girls if she is low and have paid for the books for a college course she is doing. She only has me as her dad doesn't want to know. She is working and studying hard. She doesn't get paid much and has travelling expenses to pay. She helps out at home and occasionally babysits for ds or takes him out for treats. She doesn't ask for much so it is nice to help her out every now and then.

I hadn't checked how much the csa said I should pay. I volunteered to pay maintenance and have never not paid so there has been no need to get them involved.

I thought I was being fair when you add up all the extras I pay for but I wanted to check that was the case. I probably pay out around 3x the csa minimum so I am reassured that I am being reasonable in the amount I actually hand out in cash to ex.

If you're on 21k pa shouldn't it be £70pw? It's 15% gross monthly wage.

My ex has our child 10 nights out of 28 and pays me £100 a month, plus £25 for football fees (grudgingly, and only in the last two months, when I said £65 wasn't cutting it,), he probably earns slightly more than you as he does a lot of OT, but so far this year has been on two foreign stags, a mini break, and still has a week in Spain to look forward to in Aug without either of his kids. He'd only ever take ds for a haircut if I ask, and likewise with school trips, I had to cause a riot over it to get half. If we're lucky, he buys a lunch box at the start of the new term. So OP I think you're doing not too bad.

Less the discount as I have him over 3 nights a week one you allow for schools holidays. I also pay a bit into my pension, I have had no pension provision up till now and my new job pays a substantial amount in too if I pay in a little more than the minimum.

OP o think you are doing fine too.