Is It U To think children should ask for food?

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DH and I can't agree . One of us was raised in a household where it was take as you please and one of us was raised as asking if we could have X, Y, Z . Never denied , just polite asking before taking .

We have almost 5 year old twins.

One of the twins would eat all day given the chance - out of boredom . He will not play or entertain himself and just constantly asks for food.

Fruit or veg is never denied (unless they've just eaten a piece ) . Snacks like crisps , biscuits etc are allowed in moderation .

Is it unreasonable to have them say "please can I have an apple/biscuit/etc " or should they just take as they please ?

Opinions ?

Depends on the kid and it depends on the house. There are no biscuits, crisps or pop in our house so DD can grab stuff whenever because it's probably fruit, veggies or something similar. If I had crap in the house, I'd need a different system or a different kid.

Well, that's not strictly true. sorry, Mum would make cakes etc, but they would get eaten as 'tea' or part of dinner.

The reason was we were dirt poor, so food was accounted for and mum had the exact amount of potatoes/carrots/whatever for meals. If all the cereal was gone, we had to have toast for breakfast for the rest of the week etc.

My Ds is 6 and I do not expect him to ask. But, there are a host of reasons, some that are not really all that articulate! My mother has massive food issues and was a hoarder of food. She would freak out and get quite violent if I or my dad just took some food. The food was for her mainly. Iwould actually have to ask her; 'Is this food for eating?' Because she would keep enormous stashes of food which went off, or that she binge ate or whatever. She kept a rigid check on my eating habits (she was morbdiyl obese... I am now) and if I 'stole' food would scream at me, say I was ungrateful, deceitful etc etc. The result is that I wouldspend all my pocket money on chocolate and cakes and hide it so I would have something to eat. Even now I can't eat in front of people.

My DS just takes what he is after - usually yoghurt, strawberries and sometimes chocolate. I like that alot. It is his house as well, and I think he has the right to eat when he wants to. It has to be said though, that he generally does only eat if he is hungry. But I am fully aware that I might be compensating for how I was brought up and the fears I had around food and eating and being 'allowed' to eat.

I think children should ask till 10/11/12ish. After that they can help themselves and understand the consequences and also be expected to say if something is finished or running low.

I don't really mind about not always sitting down to formal dinner. We only do one hot meal most days anyway. We all eat lots of varied raw veg, fruit, breads (from varied grains), cheese, yoghurt, quorn, nuts and seeds. Nowt wrong with that. Grazing's really OK and when we decide to have hot food we it often choose it together, cook together and then sit down together. All that matters to me is good nutrition and a healthy relationship to food (speaking as someone who has suffered from eating disorders for 12 years).

our almost 5yr old ds always asks - he kind of started doing this by himself. I always give him fruit/ veg if asked for ( i wish!) but ration other snacks according to sensible portion size, length of time to next meal etc.
I certainly made requests for snacks etc when little, but as a teenager we could help ourselves.
I am quite happy with this at present.

And we do that fridge list thing for replenishments... If something's run out I'll cook/eat something else. No biggie!

Basic manners, they should ask.

They would be thought very rude if they helped themselves on play dates.

DS asks in other people's houses. To be fair, he loses all appetite there anyway.

We never had to ask, we just took and I remember almost all of my schoolfriends being at how we just walked straight into the kitchen and offered them biscuits we were also allowed to eat our dinner on our knees in the lounge and watch Neighbours - when we did eat at the table we didn't ask to leave. We obviously knew not to do this in friends homes. I also remember being that my friends had to ask if they were allowed to put a video on.

I think it comes from my DM growing up in the 50/60s with loads of siblings and not many treats. I don't know if I will be the same as I am obese and was at a young age. It's funny, she did things a certain way as she didn't have much, I will do things differently because I had too much.

voddiekeepsmesane it works for us. I spend less on crap,, there's no more arguments about who ate the last penguin or who had more crisps and because it all belongs to someone I don't eat it.

Can I also say that I don't think the 'babies can self regulate' point is valid?
They do, of course. By screaming when they are hungry, getting fed pretty quickly, and feeding until they are full.
If we operate the same logic for a five year old, they feel hungry, so they eat until full. Fine. But it happens to be half an hour before dinner time and they eat half a packet of biscuits and then they feel full so they stop. And then they don't eat dinner. So they are not over-eating, as such. They are just eating the wrong thing at the wrong time because they are five and haven't fully understood that dinner isn't that far away (because to them it seems ages) and they like biscuits.
So they ask. As they get older, asking changes from 'please may I have ...' (To which you answer yes, of course. Or no, you have eaten 23 of the 24 bags of crisps in the multipack today and I would like the last one. Or no, it's dinner in three minutes, so explaining your reason so they learn) to 'how long until dinner? I'm a bit hungry'. By then they can appreciate how long 30 minutes really is and can judge for themselves whether they will die of starvation in the interim!

I think my DC would know to ask, or wait to be offered perhaps by their friend, in someone else's home Iknow

Thetoys - I think that then comes down to a difference in the way we run our households. I plan meals for a fortnight on average. I take into account what days I am working and what evenings people have activities (so I plan meals I can cook quickly, or cook the night before and just reheat), I plan whether DH needs a packed lunch (I cook a bit extra for him to take in) etc etc. I then buy for that meal plan in a fortnightly shop. We live 20 minutes drive away from our nearest shop (as in pint of milk shop - we are very rural) so running out of something last minute is a nightmare, it means loading two children into the car for a 40 minute round trip. So food planning and shopping is a military operation. I am fine with that - I hate cooking so I do all my thinking about it in one hit and from then on I just come in and get in with it, no fussing, no thinking when I'm shattered and have a screaming toddler under my feet...
Running out of stuff so I have to rethink is possibly my most hated thing in housework. I just can't be doing with it.

I suspect it depends on the child as well. We actually moved to the non-asking food cupboard because a bad dynamic was developing regarding asking - she'd just ask constantly for food, particularly sweets, and if we did say yes she'd run off with it, scoff it, and ask for more. Particularly if we offered something healthy instead of the sweet, she'd cram it down and then ask "can I have [sweet x] now?" and so all day was either her asking for food and us saying no or her asking for food, getting it, eating it in no time, and then asking again. But with her cupboard, she knows it's there and can go to it anytime, so just eats when she's hungry, and doesn't cram it down her mouth super fast which made me really uncomfortable, as it looked like an eating disorder in development. It's mostly healthy food, but occasionally I'll put treats in there, and she doles them out like gold nuggets - two weeks ago she got a bag of M&M's, and she still has it. She'll eat one every other day or so. So for my DD, being in control of the food made a big difference to her not having what appeared to be some kind of 'panic eating' response when it was controlled by someone else.

I don't think there can be one hard and fast rule for all children.

My DC don't have to ask in our house, but of course they wouldn't even ask in somebody elses house, they would ask to be offered. Except Granny's is different. She has biscuits and just becuase Granny say's "Only one!" that doesn't mean only one.

I wouldn't expect other people DC to ask...if they live next door they can go home if they;re, if they are on a sleepover they can help themselves.

I did have one child help themselves once. They were 9yo, climbed up on to a chair to reach a new packet of biscuits. I was surprised they hadn't asked, but DH pointed out their parents were very controlling. (Even with us when we visited for drinks) The concerning thing was the child was allergic to certain biscuit ingredients, and his parents would have been very with us if they thought we'd given them to him.

So, it other peoples houses I would expect my DC to be looked after sufficiently that they didn't need to ask an adult, or if they asked their friend they weren't denied anything reasonable.

I understand that, baby. DH works from home, and DS is our only child. Nearest supermarket just round the corner.

We do have a set "after school" snack, when kids come in and help themselves. I make sure I cater for what they are likely to eat, and add extras for friends visiting.
I don't micro-manage that snack but I do refuse "after school snacks" at 5pm, when they had a chance to eat at 3.30/4pm. I want them to be properly hungry to eat a balanced nutritious meal with DH and me at 6.30/7. Mine aren't little kids any more but they aren't yet massive munching teenagers. So in total they don't actually eat that much. I want to make sure that as much of that food is stuff that's good for them, and not chocolate biscuits, however nice they are.
We absolutely do not do unlimited fruit due to the the damage to tooth enamel from snacking on sweet, acid food. what dentists say

Senpai - just seen your post. Maybe. It just because you were running low on something doesn't mean it wasn't needed for a meal plan. In planning meals and buying for them I try to buy the amount I need so I don't have loads of stuff going manky in the fridge. If I've planned a carbonara meal for the last night before shopping arrives I need bacon. I will have enough left to do the carbonara. If someone eats loads of it then I will come to cook, and not be able to, but if I am shopping the next day then stocks will be low and I may not have much of anything else to replace it. And living in the arse end of nowhere, can't pop out to get anything easily. Because shopping isn't easy, I may know I am down to one yoghurt but knowing I've only one packed lunch to cater for before the on-line delivery arrives, I won't buy loads more. Then if someone eats that before the lunch gets packed I'm now running short on what to put in the lunch, and may only find out at 10.30 packing the lunch ready for the next morning.

And regardless of everything I've said up thread, when one of my DC grabs a huge pot of yogurt from the fridge while I'm stirring a bolognese sauce I may well have screamed "I AM COOKING" Because there is an unwritten rule that while I am cooking they don't need to raid the fridge.

💐 notsure22. I'm sorry you had such a sad upbringing 🙁 I think it's fab that you get such pleasure from DS feeling so free with food, it's lovely. It's a shame you can't can't eat in front of people, I hope that you can find someone to help you get past that, or perhaps find that as DS grows you can gradually lose that inhibition whilst eating out with him. I do understand though as I'm overweight and really struggle in some situations.

As for the thread question, there's no right way, only what you're used to or what works for your family. I guess it's a weird one to negotiate your way through if you were both brought up differently and feel differently about it because food & feeding/nurturing children can be so deeply ingrained, I think it's probably quite difficult to go against your own instincts.

However, that said, if I had a child who ate through boredom I'd definitely uphold the 'ask first' routine. Easy to implement at 5. Much harder later on when you have an overweight 8 yo for example.

I think when I grew up it just seemed to be a natural progression from asking because you were too small to get something, to asking near meals or for treat food or something that might be for dinners/lunches - but it never felt like I wasn't allowed food or nice things, just that it was too near a meal or that something was 'ear marked' for something. More like someone needed to know what was what rather than not being allowed food.

I'm fine with them helping themselves to fruit, a biscuit, bit of cheese etc when they're hungry, but wouldn't be if they constantly ate or if they only ever chose junk - or weren't considerate of others.

Bleugh, that last post made no sense did it?!

My last post. I wasn't being a prat about others. It's clearly too late for me to be doing this!!

There were things I had free access to as a child, but they were healthy, and I was a healthy kid. I suppose I would have asked for things outside of my limited free range - but I really wasn't in to food so I don't know if we had a rule about this... having said that I just recalled an adult house guest we had as a child taking food without asking and at the age of 9 I was burning with indignation at his rudeness!

Mine is take as you please with fruit but everything else is meant to be asked for. There are times I've realised shes snuck down to eat bread! She rarely asks for sweets unless it's the evening and only gets them moderately. We've never had a problem with her filling up on snacks or eating at inappropriate times.