AIBU to think my DH has got the wrong end of the stick?

[AddictedToCoYo]

I own a couple of furnished rental properties but as I work FT and they are not very local to where I live I can't always be there to react to problems, so I have a man to look after stuff for me.

He emailed me yesterday to say that one of the beds needed a new mattress. I told him I had one in storage in a garage, but he doesn't have a key to the garage so he can't get the mattress without me there.

I said in my email 'I'll see if I can get the mattress in the back of my car next weekend but if not then we'll have to do it together in the back of your van.'

My DH read the email and said 'Addicted. We need to talk. Is there something you need to tell me about you and the odd job guy? I am not at all happy about your plans.'

Have you made any faux pas or unintended embarrassing double entendres?

Talking to colleagues about how much I hate being so small in height... "Oh I would do anything for just a few extra inches!!!" As soon as I said it I cringed!!

Walking past my hairdressers one day, I popped in and asked if they could fit me in for a blowjob.

Cue one of the younger assistants blushing and looking extremely embarrassed.

To make it worse, I didn't realise what I had actually said for several minutes.

DH is very fond of liver. I hate it and refuse to cook it at home, and I hate the smell so I even moan (jokingly, I'm not abusing him, don't worry) if he orders it in restaurants. He ordered it once when alone in a cafe, saying "My wife doesn't like it much, so I just have to get it wherever I can, when she's not around".

LOL so hard at this thread my DH can't hear the telly.

I was supervising DD and a friend do some baking and said "is it starting to feel stiff yet?"

They snorted.

They were 12.

My Dd wrote about a family holiday to Norfolk. She called it nofuck.

I was ringing a friend when her what I thought husband answered. I kind of said hello sexy how are you? He answered with more jokey innuendo. I think we were about a minute into the call when I realised it wasn't my friends husband but the local butcher. I apologised very quickly saying it was a wrong number. I was just getting over my embarrassment when the phone went and it was the butcher asking me out. My husband watched all this with great amusement. So many jokes.....

Great thread can't think right now of any faux pas like this I've made but I'm sure I've made many

This one will out me to anyone who knows me, but when taking a statement from a member of the public, involving a vehicle, and asking them the registration plate, I repeated it back to them phonetically, "so that's K kilo, A alpha, 5 6, K kilo, O Oscar, Y wanky!! Obviously instead of Yankee. I then tried to correct myself no less than three times, but just kept repeating it, Y wanky, sorry Y wanky, SORRY, wanky! While getting redder and redder. I eventually had to stop, breathe deeply and then eventually got it right.

This is the first thread on here in years that's made me laugh! Sorry and thank you to you all!

My own silly story goes like this:
At university I was made to work in a group with a person who was quite the joker. Think Will Smith in Fresh prince type. I was a timid girl who never spoke much and would especially never talk to someone like that as he was completely my opposite. Anyway he started joking with Me that "I bet you make nice food at home blah blah blah" and I wasn't much a cook, so I was like "no but my mum does". He replies "oh would you invite me for some dinner then?" And I was like "no I can't cook, but I could make you breakfast" 😱😱😱😱......the silence was deafening and I realised what I'd said. He just made a "huh" sound and giggled and my friend working with us just closed her eyes. I was absolutely mortified.
I still cringe when I think about it and it happened 12 years ago 😱😱

Asking a ( thankfully very good) male friend if he could help me out with some humping because my dh had a bad back. Everyone looked horrified, dh didnt bat an eyelid. Humping means moving / lifting things to us, it means shagging to every other person on the planet it seems. Was mortified to discover this, especially as i had just told the post man of my much needed ' day of humping' minutes earlier.

When i started my first job they made me ask for ' mike hunt' over the tannoy. Everyone asking me if id found mike hunt... the bastards !

Wherethefuckis

I wouldn't worry about outing, I've several cop friends at least 2 have done the exact same! Worse in one case the person that was pulled over laughed hysterically my friend was new in job and lost the rag with him for it! So was shouting WANKEE by the end! I think it's still his nickname at work - 20 yrs later!

There is a palpable relief in that baconyum!

Oh, another one I've done which I'm surely not alone in, is typing onto a system, which can't be changed, and goes onto court document transcript, which is then read out for all to hear, "suspects were trapped behind shitter door", obviously meaning shutter. Gave quite a few people a good laugh.

Whilst doing surveillance (don't ask) I spent many weeks sitting in some shrubbery at a local park.
Several months later I was driving past the park with a new colleague discussing the job and tactics involved.
I said, "Would you like to see my bush?"
He nearly crashed the car!

DH is asking me to stop reading, as I am LOL in the middle of a cafe.

Years ago, I was thinking about getting older, and asked a male colleague if he was stiff when he woke up in a morning!

One of my colleagues goes running in his lunch breaks and one afternoon he got up gingerly from his desk and stretched. Genius me decided to ask "are you feeling a bit stiff X?" I might've got away with it had I not immediately realised what I said and qualified it with "in your muscles, that is"!

electric ian - Oh, I've never noticed that before!

Lol MrsReagan, I sent my sister to HMV to buy the 'lamb of God' (metal band) cd for dh Xmas present. She came back saying they didn't have it. I say no they definitely do I've seen it, what did you ask for? Turns out she went in asking for 'anything new from son of God?'

Once, when I hadn't been in a new job very long one of the team came in and said 'Hey, guess where 'John' took me this weekend?' Without thinking it through, I replied 'Up the arse?' Much mortification on my part but luckily everyone laughed!