AIBU to think my DH has got the wrong end of the stick?

[AddictedToCoYo]

I own a couple of furnished rental properties but as I work FT and they are not very local to where I live I can't always be there to react to problems, so I have a man to look after stuff for me.

He emailed me yesterday to say that one of the beds needed a new mattress. I told him I had one in storage in a garage, but he doesn't have a key to the garage so he can't get the mattress without me there.

I said in my email 'I'll see if I can get the mattress in the back of my car next weekend but if not then we'll have to do it together in the back of your van.'

My DH read the email and said 'Addicted. We need to talk. Is there something you need to tell me about you and the odd job guy? I am not at all happy about your plans.'

Have you made any faux pas or unintended embarrassing double entendres?

I dropped my car at the garage and in conversation with the mechanic mentioned DC and I were going to the cinema. He was like "ooh, bring me back some popcorn " so I did, mechanic said they would have it with their coffee.
As I was leaving I got my words totally mess d up and said "enjoy your foffee and cockporn".
I had to bloody walk past that garage about four times a day and always got a jesty look from the guys.

I had something fixed on my car, but after, it kept "klonking". I wanted to go back, but at the time I was in my early 20s and didn't feel very confident about arguing with the mechanics, so I asked a guy friend to come with me as moral support, just to be a male presence at my back so they'd take me more seriously. But my wording was terrible - "John, I need a favour - can you stand behind me and be a man?" He looked massively taken aback and when I replayed what is said, I started blushing furiously.

Hilarious. I once said " ok great, see you next Tuesday" to a client.

Recently enjoyed a conversation with husband about a massive sausage that wouldn't fit in a bun. There was squirting of sauce, ends poking out. It was much bigger than when he first put it in (to the oven). C.

Oh and your husband needs to get a firm grasp of the right end of the stick.

When I was first an au pair in France my French wasn't very good. The whole family was around the table one Sunday lunchtime and we were discussing the firmness/softness of beds (as you do).

I contributed to the conversation by saying "I like a hard mattress on my bed."
Silence.

What I'd actually said was "I like a hard sailor on my bed."

wheresthel1ght thank your lucky stars that you only flashed. I once inadvertently stripped.

Early 90's working in quality assurance. I'm wearing a press stud fasten denim shirt. I ran down the stairs and burst into the laboratory hooking the door handle into the gap between 2 press studs. I ended up stood in the middle of the lab with my shirt still hanging on the door handle behind me 😱

Same job we made flavored syrups and had done some trials on a new flavor. Checking the sample bottles the next day I loudly announced I had ' lost my cherry ' kill me now😆

Dp is Greek and comes out with some really funny lines. Instead of saying "When I see that guy I will fucking tell him" he will say "When I see that guy I will fuck him good" it sounds normal in Greek, but translated word for word into English does make him sound like a rapist.

He also can't leave the room without saying "Im coming" instead of "I'll be right back"

I didn't think I could join in this thread then I remembered.

In Lakeland with my DH buying a roasting tin. Talking to the till operator about how I also use silicon baking items "but sometimes you just need something firm and hard." Cue DH trying not to laugh and/or die and me oblivious for far too long..

Having such a giggle at these! "the right place for dick" 😂

In my first week imn an exchange in Italy, I asked for a penis instead of a pen.

I once was arguing with a sales assistant who then went into the back to speak to some other members of staff. I then said (loudly) to the the last sales assistant on the floor (of a busy shoe shop a few weeks before school started) oh they are obviously in the back having a mass debate on this. Realised what I said and was howling laughing when they came back.

Playing my violin in a (very male dominated) school orchestra, when one of the strings snapped. It really made me jump, and I spontaneously announced:

"Oh my God, my G-string's snapped" !

I still remember, waiting outside the staff room one day (as a pupil) and having the new, young female teacher brush past me into the staff room and shout, at the top of her voice, "So, Mr Davies, how's your organ? "

He had a new Yamaha keyboard, I found out later.

I once saw a van for a carpet man, whose slogan was 'the best lay in town'.

I hate to break it to you Hamlets but I think that may have just been their cover story...

Ladies, I have tears! Thank you!

My only sort of contribution is I was once making small talk in Virgin Megastore to the shop assistant. I was buying the Rocky Horror Picture Show dvd and we were chatting about the musical show. I was a virgin, ie I hadn't known what to expect (show virgin). I blushingly tried to correct myself. Oh dear.

In an RE lesson there was discussion about differences between denomination. One young man, especially devout, solemnly and unwitting reduced the whole room, teacher included, to hysterics with 'We Methodists have our organs at the back.'

Just this week, in a big work meeting with lots of senior people, we were discussing accessing data from a database, when the girl next to me asked "do you think Sam has some kind of massive tool that i could make use of?"

I went to B&Q to get an attachment to plumb in my dishwasher to the sink waste. It was tricky because of the confined space under there.

So when explaining this to the young, male, assistant, I somehow decided to use the phrase, "I've got about six inches to play with."

As if that wasn't bad enough, I made a helpful hand gesture to show just how big six inches is

It was about ten minutes later that I went, "SHIT!!!"

I used to work in the payroll dept with a guy called Ken. Each week was a new payroll period. We were in a meeting once and I used the sentence " we'll have to wait until Ken starts his period before we can process that payment".

I texted my DH "electric ian is coming over today" my phone had autocorrected electrician...Ian is now my (joke) secret bf apparently.

Ha Mommawoo do you ever say 'Don't call me Ella?'

My dad is a real fan of the sea. Mum asked him if it was about time to go home, and he remarked "oh, but I love watching the little buoys flashing!"

Place marking :))