My xp and I split up 8 years ago and we live in different countries. Initially he wanted contact via Facebook but as ds was 2 and dd was 1, I didn't feel it was appropriate. After a temper tantrum, he agreed to phone calls. He would phone whenever he felt like it so I asked that he pick a time and day to call. I said that extra calls would also be fine but that there needed to be a consistent time and day. This seemed to work for a while but then he went back to calling one week, missing the next. Ds was finding this hard to deal with and became destructive, so I told xp to choose - be consistent in contact or be consistent in having none. He chose to be consistent in none. Until a year later when he called during nursery hours to tell me that he was bringing his new partner and her dd on holiday to meet our dc and taking them off for a weekend. I said no. He sends a birthday card for ds, late but he gets one and forgets dds birthday every year for 7years. It's a month after ds.
Dc do talk about him and I have said that if they want contact then I'd do whatever I could to facilitate it. Ds doesn't want any contact. Dd has mentioned it but then she talks herself out of it as 'he can't even be bothered to remember my birthday '. I don't encourage her to want contact. I actually wonder should I defend him, should I leave it and let him defend himself if she meets him in the future. I don't discourage contact either. But I am massively second guessing myself.