AIBU to be incredibly bothered by neighbours complaint?

[user1465383488]

We have lived in our house very happily for the last thirteen years. For the last five years we have been living next to very fussy neighbours. A couple in their thirties,No kids,no pets ,she does yoga in her garden,bakes from home and cycles around in an old fashioned big wheeled bike with a basket full of fresh bread and flowers.He works all day and seems very quiet. A perfect couple I guess.
We have six children here aged between 8 months and 13 years. The eldest two have special needs (autism /mobility problems)
We've always been super aware of not making noise to annoy anyone . The kids with the SN are in the furthest side of the house so occasional meltdowns have at least four or five walls between them and the neighbours.
Problems started three years ago when she knocked to say one of our dogs barked when I left her to do the school run and disturbed their breakfast . I was apologetic and took steps to stop that..training,plug ins,radio, recorded her etc and it stopped.
Then a few months later she hung out of her window on two mornings shouting at us for closing our gate too loud at 8.45am waking her up as she..and I quote " goes to bed late and has every right to sleep in with her windows wide open and not be disturbed" .
She made my then 8 year old cry and the kids creep out paranoid every morning to the car not daring to even speak.
Then we were putting a small patch of decking down and using a small battery drill to screw the planks in at 6 pm on a Saturday.She pops her head over asking if we could stop as they wanted to have dinner in the garden . And we did 😐
Next week she pops over again asking if we could keep our voices down as she was reading when it was just me,hubby and the two eldest out on the patio planting flowers.
Since then I've been paranoid. I dont let the kids play outside before 10 am or after 6.30 ish. If they're stupidly noisy they get brought in,I took the trampoline down because the neighbour moaned.We don't ever play music, the youngest kids are all in bed before 8 and the big three are quiet then and there's never any noise overnight. I don't ever open our bedroom window incase the baby cries through the night as the neighbours Window next to our room is wide open.
I stand out with the dogs in the morning and night so they don't bark and during the day if they start barking they're called in.When I go out they're in the far side of the house .
I "thought" we were being pretty considerate.
Apparently not.
Last weekend whilst the kids were in the paddling pool playing and actually being pretty quiet tbh both of them flew to the fence and started screaming about how we were ruining their lives, she sits crying at the noise we make. We have no consideration and should be ashamed of ourselves as parents etc. They went completely nuts and I told them we did our best but they didn't believe me, hubby at this point stood up and told them to back off as our kids were watching.
Since then my autistic son hasn't slept, he won't go outside. I am paranoid beyond belief. I won't even let the kids go into the two rooms on the neighbours side in the morning and am making them eat their breakfast in a different room 😐 I'm constantly shhhhhhing and trying to stop my 3 and 4 year olds running around all day and I can't face even letting the little ones play or my dogs outside. I'm even getting hubby to leave work to do the school runs whenever I can so I don't have to leave the dogs incase they bark.
It's causing great stress with me and hubby who thinks we should just ignore them and carry on our lives as we were. He is furious I'm so bothered what they think . I really don't know what to do !

Stop pandering to these ridicuous people.

Kids make noise its normal (yeah you can curtail it at certain times - very early mornings/late nights etc)
You can shut your gate anytime you like tell her to shut her f'ing window if thats all she has to worry about.
What goes on in your garden is your buisness tell them to keep their nose out or you will have them for harrassment.
I would also be complaining about them harrassing you and screaming at you and kids, I would have called the police, give them a short sharp shock. If they want to live in a bubble tell them to go live on top of a bloody mountain.

Log everything they say do and then write to council/HA and complain.

Next time they have a 'complaint' tell them you arent interested and to go away.

Stop making yourself ill trying to find out ways to assauge their pathetic demands, your oh is right they are so ott its mindboggling how they can even consider they feel they are entitled to control someone elses lives just cos they live next door. You really need to stand up to them and stand up for your kids, she would have been told where to go if she made my kids cry and creep about in fear of making too much noise.

Oh and definately Metallica loud and proud, I find it blows the overwhelming everyday crap we have to deal with right out the stratosphere, stirrs the soul and you feel like you could take on the world.

myshinynewusername guess that could be the case. But it's not true for us. We get some tax credits and do get DLA but hubby works hard to support us and has a successful career . We have no credit cards or debt and save to buy the things we have😐

willow2016 that's all I ever shouted back. SHUT YOUR BLOODY WINDOWS THEN!!
And she asked why she should have to and that it was her right to sleep with them open. Which she does ,even in December. I've taken pics with snow on the ground and all of her Windows flung open as evidence 🙄

YANBU - when you live on a housing estate, noise is absolutely a given. I have a set of neighbours in their 70s and next door they have me w/ toddler DS who is SN and on a bad day, incessantly screeches like a banshee to no avail. The house whose back garden backs onto mine have 3 children under 6. Their neighbours on both sides also have multiple very fairly noisy small children. The elderly couple are wonderful - never ever do they complain and often claim they don't hear a thing bless them.

I just wouldn't do it - you have six children and two are SN, you must be stressed to the hills enough without them coming along and causing an unnecessary problem. Do they know you have 2 with SN?

As another poster said, don't even consider why she doesn't like you or why you're not a 'decent' family -as she said youre trying to be rational and your neighbours aren't normal rational people. Also, I love someone's ideas of every time she says anything your only response is 'put it in writing' EVERY TIME!

Ok...feeling boosted.
My two smallest kids are outside in the pool! And my dogs are sunbathing deep breaths! X

"Our whole side of our fence taken down and metal link temporary fence taken down"
totally not on, completely irrational people

Never yell at her, OP. Always stay icy calm - if you feel it slipping away from you, go inside until you're more in control.

Maybe they'll move on? They sound like they need to live in the middle of nowhere.

As long as you are not playing loud, throbbing, thumping music at stupid o'clock or having screaming rows, their complaints are just not justified.

I hate other people's noise...that's why we moved to a detached house in a quiet area, and I think she's being ridiculous. It sounds like your noise is pretty normal and not over the top at all. I agree that you've given in too easily and now she thinks that you'll basically obey every command.
Start standing up for yourself and your children..tell her to Fuck right off next time. She'll soon get the message.

1. put your trampoline back. Let them bounce

2. stop pandering to them. If you're outside enjoying hens levels and she demands you go in, say no, you have the right to enjoy your garden and make a note in the diary.

3. report her and her husband for them things they have done so far plus for the way they refer to your children.

4. was the removed fence yours or theirs? If yours, you need to let them know that they have to replace it as they had no permission to take it down. If it's there's, place some fence just in your side of the fence. And put some anti climb paint on the top with a written warning of such so it stops them climbing above your fence to yell at you. Do not forget you will need some sort of written warning about the anti climb paint

Disengage OP.

It sounds to me as if she has some sort of mental disorder quite honestly and is probably in a hell of her own making - listening out for each and every sound. Remind yourself of this if it helps, and carry on normal family life.

If/when she confronts you face to face again (or face to fence or out the window) tell her very calmly that you are considering reporting her for harassment and are taking notes of all the times she is badgering you. No shouting or swearing. If you can say anymore while keeping calm tell her to put any further complaints in writing to the council.

I'm willing to bet she'll back off. If not - let her write letters. She'll get nowhere.

I wouldn't tell her to "f -off" or similar, just try + be calm + if that's not possible either go inside or tell the neighbour to discuss it with your DH, you will not be continuing the conversation.
Log everything and follow mummymeisters advice.

God they want to try living next door to our neighbours - parties all weekend ,out in their hot tub summer evenings, arguments at silly o clock at night, music blaring etc...But it actually doesn't bother me as they are decent neighbours, who let's me let my kids scream / play and allow me do my DIY jobs whenever I like. Funnily enough, she did message me once to apologise about her noisy washing machine

Have you both bought your home? Both renting? I ask because I know 2 people who have had trouble from neighbours about noise and both times the ones being moaned at were renting and the ones doing the complaining had bought theirs. Obviously think they have more rights.

Send them a letter...something along the lines of this.

Dear Mr & Mrs Twuntface

Following your outburst in the garden last week I feel I need to clear a few things up. In the past our family have done our utmost to ensure the noise we make is at a level which is acceptable to you, however, upon reflection we have realised that we have been far too accommodating. I am writing to inform you that from now on we shall be behaving in the fashion of a 'normal' family and will continue to do so. We shall of course do our best to ensure that the noise level does not rise to unacceptable levels.

As the way you spoke to us last week upset our children I ask you not to speak directly to any of us. If you have a complain please direct it formally to environmental health and we will be able to respond appropriately. Please be aware that I will be logging any other comments you make to either myself, my husband or my children and I will not think twice about asking the police to become involved if the harassment continues.

Yours sincerely

They are being totally unreasonable. When you live amongst other people you get noise, fact. Like you I take reasonable steps to ensure my children and pets are not making excessive noise or noise at unreasonable times. I expect no more than this from my neighbours either. Yes they do things that irritate me. My neighbour works strange hours and noisily reverses his car up his drive at about 1 am. This used to wake me up as I like to sleep with the window open. After a couple of months it no longer wakes me. If my neighbours complained about the sort of things yours does I would really feel that short of moving out there would be nothing I could do to rectify it what they want is totally unrealistic!

You need to stop engaging with them, stop giving in to them and start living again like the perfectly normal family you are.

I might also be tempted to video her rants over the fence/out of windows too. Just to put her off her stride a little.

Go ahead with raising your fence heights, because it will make your lives easier. Do you have any community police nearby, that you could drop in to see to get some advice from? Not to raise a formal complaint, but just for advice. It might help to set your mind at rest.

She's acting in an intimidating and bullying way towards you and your children. That is totally unacceptable, but the best way to cope with bullies is to stand up to them, not to pander to them. The more you give, the more they will take, and then demand more besides. If they are so unhappy with where they live, they can always move.

Have a look here www.nfh.org.uk/harassment-from-your-neighbour/ They have a forum and some advice about how to handle harassment, especially as it sounds like it's disablist.

and perhaps go to CAB (citizens advice bureau) about what action to take

Agatha's advice matches the neighbour harassment website advice: you need to tell them to stop, not try to do what they ask of you because that will feed into their sense of control.

Stop letting her control you. Go about your lives as you were before this entitled control freak moved in.

We have 2 miserable ladies who live 2 doors down from us. We all share a small shared road to our properties. They never have any family or friends visit and never go out. They moan about everything. At first we tried to be reasonable but it all ended up in a shouting match. Now we get on with our lives and ignore them. It's the only way.

How old are you OP?

OP you need to cultivate a 'don't give a fuck' attitude where these neighbours are concerned. The noise you're describing is normal family noise and it's your neighbours expectations which are unreasonable not your family's noise or behaviour. By all means be considerate but what you're doing goes beyond that into feeling bullied and unreasonably restricted in your own home. Enough! Go back to how you used to do things, let the kids play, put the trampoline back and get on with enjoying your family and your life, as long as you're not creating what the noise pollution people at the council would deem a nuisance (excessive, avoidable noise at unsociable hours) you have no need to worry. As for your neighbours I would practice a stock phrase and use it every time they complain, something like 'I'm sorry the sound of my family having fun upsets you but I don't believe we're doing anything wrong'. This is their problem, not yours and, whatever you do, you will never please them, let them move if they're so unhappy with what most people would see as 'normal' noise.

chardonnay I was 40 in November. Why?

Only read the first page but I think the problem I'd that you've been so reasonable that they now think they can order you around. I wouldn't say anything but if they complain about noise again just tell them you have tried to be reasonable but your dc have as much right as them to enjoy the garden and play in their own home. Then say the same if they start again. That you've already discussed it, you're not making unreasonable noise at antisocial hours so they have no cause for complaint.