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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be incredibly bothered by neighbours complaint?

660 replies

user1465383488 · 08/06/2016 12:37

We have lived in our house very happily for the last thirteen years. For the last five years we have been living next to very fussy neighbours. A couple in their thirties,No kids,no pets ,she does yoga in her garden,bakes from home and cycles around in an old fashioned big wheeled bike with a basket full of fresh bread and flowers.He works all day and seems very quiet. A perfect couple I guess.
We have six children here aged between 8 months and 13 years. The eldest two have special needs (autism /mobility problems)
We've always been super aware of not making noise to annoy anyone . The kids with the SN are in the furthest side of the house so occasional meltdowns have at least four or five walls between them and the neighbours.
Problems started three years ago when she knocked to say one of our dogs barked when I left her to do the school run and disturbed their breakfast . I was apologetic and took steps to stop that..training,plug ins,radio, recorded her etc and it stopped.
Then a few months later she hung out of her window on two mornings shouting at us for closing our gate too loud at 8.45am waking her up as she..and I quote " goes to bed late and has every right to sleep in with her windows wide open and not be disturbed" .
She made my then 8 year old cry and the kids creep out paranoid every morning to the car not daring to even speak.
Then we were putting a small patch of decking down and using a small battery drill to screw the planks in at 6 pm on a Saturday.She pops her head over asking if we could stop as they wanted to have dinner in the garden . And we did 😐
Next week she pops over again asking if we could keep our voices down as she was reading when it was just me,hubby and the two eldest out on the patio planting flowers.
Since then I've been paranoid. I dont let the kids play outside before 10 am or after 6.30 ish. If they're stupidly noisy they get brought in,I took the trampoline down because the neighbour moaned.We don't ever play music, the youngest kids are all in bed before 8 and the big three are quiet then and there's never any noise overnight. I don't ever open our bedroom window incase the baby cries through the night as the neighbours Window next to our room is wide open.
I stand out with the dogs in the morning and night so they don't bark and during the day if they start barking they're called in.When I go out they're in the far side of the house .
I "thought" we were being pretty considerate.
Apparently not.
Last weekend whilst the kids were in the paddling pool playing and actually being pretty quiet tbh both of them flew to the fence and started screaming about how we were ruining their lives, she sits crying at the noise we make. We have no consideration and should be ashamed of ourselves as parents etc. They went completely nuts and I told them we did our best but they didn't believe me, hubby at this point stood up and told them to back off as our kids were watching.
Since then my autistic son hasn't slept, he won't go outside. I am paranoid beyond belief. I won't even let the kids go into the two rooms on the neighbours side in the morning and am making them eat their breakfast in a different room 😐 I'm constantly shhhhhhing and trying to stop my 3 and 4 year olds running around all day and I can't face even letting the little ones play or my dogs outside. I'm even getting hubby to leave work to do the school runs whenever I can so I don't have to leave the dogs incase they bark.
It's causing great stress with me and hubby who thinks we should just ignore them and carry on our lives as we were. He is furious I'm so bothered what they think . I really don't know what to do !

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 08/06/2016 13:35

Space how interesting.

AdjustableWench · 08/06/2016 13:36

I completely agree with mummymeister.
Excellent advice.

cozietoesie · 08/06/2016 13:36

I'm afraid that you're unlikely to obtain 'complete silence' in the countryside either. There may not be children or people but you then have......amorous hedgehogs and foxes or birds shrieking/donkeys sounding off etc etc. Grin

Nabootique · 08/06/2016 13:36

As a couple of PPs have said now, including myself, the autogenerated usernames look like this.

user1465023742 · 08/06/2016 13:36

I just recently joined too and I've got a default username. Seems to be a thing on this site, no idea how to change it since I log in with my email address and not a username?

OP, I really hate noisy kids - I live in a flat above a family with two boys who are always out screaming and throwing tantrums in the garden downstairs and it's a total mare - but I don't think you're being unreasonable. They sound absolutely unbearable and their demands are ridiculous. Please do stop pandering to them - why do you care so much what they think of you?

lostscot · 08/06/2016 13:36

Please don't let them get to you, we moved 18 mnths ago and are surrounded by older couples with no children. I was getting pretty stressed trying to keep the children quiet so to not upset them when one day the neighbour heard me telling them to be quiet and told me not to worry as they had 9 grandchildren and liked hearing them! I can't imagine how you feel keeping them quiet in and out day after day. Please start living your life again and don't let them get to you.

clarrrp · 08/06/2016 13:37

Because that's how decent people behave.

This. Totally this.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/06/2016 13:38

She has a right to sleep in with the windows open at 8.45am? No she fucking doesn't.

I'd calmly repeat "No, that is not reasonable. You are being ridiculous" and if shouting or carrying on happens "Please stop shouting right now. Your behaviour is inappropriate and unnecessary and if you do not stop harrassing me I will lodge a complaint with the police".

Now you have something prepared use it and go back to living your life. Do NOT kowtow to this antisocial behaviour and make a decision right now not to care about what they think.

Who the fuck do they think they are? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not apologise or explain. And contact police if they harass you or your children.

C2H5OH · 08/06/2016 13:41

OP, they are entering the realm of harassment now. You've had some very good advice from:
mummymeister Wed 08-Jun-16 13:23:26
tumbletastic Wed 08-Jun-16 13:28:40

This should help you manage this without escalating it. But you must keep a record, if you haven't already.

HPFA · 08/06/2016 13:41

Whilst I agree with everyone else on this thread that the neighbours sound completely unreasonable I'm a bit www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/5.gif.pagespeed.ce.t-TaEeEGM1.gif at the number of people who seem to think that anyone who doesn't want noise can just move to a detached in the middle of nowhere. Anyone noticed the Housing Crisis?
I'd love to move to a big detached and know that I'm secure from thumping music etc. But like most people, I can't!! Fortunately, have great neighbours at the moment, one of them being a family who make a similar noise to the OP's.

inlovewithhubby · 08/06/2016 13:42

Space unicorn is troll hunting. Stop it, it's so bloody annoying and detracts from the thread.

I'm with mummymeister, whose advice is excellent. It's so hard to do but if you go together, you and your partner, there is safety in numbers. Stay calm and polite. They are bullies, and as everyone else has said, bullies back off when someone stands up to them.

HPFA · 08/06/2016 13:42

First time I've attempted an emoticon. Went well, I see!!!

frumpet · 08/06/2016 13:43

Loving the idea that the countryside is quiet ilovenannyplum

myshinynewusername · 08/06/2016 13:44

They sound like they are being disabilist towards your children.

Report their comments to the police.

Branleuse · 08/06/2016 13:45

they obviously meant to buy a house in the middle of nowhere. What a bunch of arseholes. Just because youve pandered to them so far, theres no reason to keep on. Tell them that youve made every possible concession to their completely ridiculous demands for quiet solitude, but it stops here. You will live as a family, and they need to learn a bit of tolerance, just like youve had to

Wombat87 · 08/06/2016 13:47

It just a random suggested username and she's got the number in line? am i being naive? probably.

But honestly, I am a fussy neighbor. The difference being that I know I'm unreasonable and I keep it all inside my head. I have a house that is rented room by room next door and although the people that live there are lovely, they get right on my nerves. One of them could be the loudest person I've ever come across. I can hear her word for word through the brick walls when they're in the living room. She's just as loud when she's outside, so I think she's someone who projects her voice 'well' and is naturally loud (if not a bit inconsiderate sometimes). They smoke right outside their back door, which is next to my back door on the other side of the fence, and the only window to my dining room is next to it, so in the summer with the doors and windows open the smell of cigarettes is right through the downstairs. I just close the window and door. Did I mention how loud they are in the garden? I can hear them clearly through double glazing. Their dog barks constantly when my dogs go out, and it seems like he's out there all the time. So then we have the battle of barking for about 10minutes each time.

But only the once I've ever said something, it was 11pm, they had music blaring in their garden so they could hear it without unplugging the speakers, it was boiling frigging hot so the windows HAD to be open and I was so ill... I just wanted to sleep, not listen to Prince on repeat whilst they had a gathering down the other end of the garden. To their credit they turned it off after the second time I asked and went inside, albeit a bit huffy.

I go to bed early, and I get up early. I'm conscious of the noise I make at 7.30am because I know they are different - even if they aren't perhaps as considerate back. I couldn't even imagine having to go there and ask them not to smoke where they smoke, or just shut up sometimes in the evening.They live there, how I feel about noise levels and their habits, which although sometimes are a bit intrusive, is irrelevant and unreasonable as it's how they live and they have every right to do that the way they want to.

I feel really sorry for you OP. They sound like a nut jobs who are a bit too entitled. If you've been there longer, they should have done their research when they looking at the place and seen you had kids and known that the noise levels may be less than ideal in their perfect world. I'd carry on as you normally would, and the next ridiculous request would be met with "sorry, my children have the right to play in their own garden" or a curt "please can you not keep popping up over the fence, you're invading my privacy/ please stop knocking the door, your demands make me feel incredibly uncomfortable". Or perhaps just ignore them all together. Don't engage with them or comply any further. Noise restrictions are between 7am and 11pm - I doubt you're infringing on anything and I doubt anyone would find you produce excessive noise.

And if this is a reverse thread - shame on you.

user1465383488 · 08/06/2016 13:47

inlovewithhubby thankyou .. wish I was a troll but no this is actually my life. No idea what thread space is implying I started yesterday but I registered an hour and 43 minutes ago if they'd like proof and I don't see what that's got to do with my thread really 🙄

OP posts:
jacrispy · 08/06/2016 13:48

I wasn't troll hunting I was just wondering about that other username just in case anybody thinks I was. Op you have every right to enjoy your own home and garden with your children. Don't let them stop you and if they keep going report them. They can't stop you from making reasonable noise and your children having fun. They will realize if they ever have dcs that you can't gag them and keep them quiet.

Idontknowwhoiam · 08/06/2016 13:50

They want to be glad they don't live next to me!!
She sounds as though she should be living in a tree house in a forest! anything after 8am and before 10pm normal family noise wise is acceptable. Fair enough if you had a drill going at 7am on a Sunday!

Sanityseeker75 · 08/06/2016 13:51

Hm I bet they tried to complain to the decent family and were told to fuck right off and that is why they probably don't do it now.

I have lived next to neighbours that literally made my life a misery. Blasting music starting at 2.00am even though I had small child and so did she but would still go out get pissed then wake all her young kids up for a party - she was a nutter who thankfully moved.

I now have much older DC. I get a bit annoyed with one neighbours kids who seem to be out from 7.00am every morning but I just shut my bedroom window if it wakes me and eventually I will drop off again. Other people have very loud screamy kids always out on very creaky trampoline - it drives my son batshit as it is on the front of the house where his room is but I tell him they are just kids and will grow out of it eventually. Other peoples kids can sometimes be an annoyance and I say this as someone who has her own BUT they are just kids.

Tell her that if she is that bothered then she can always move to a detached house - carry on your life as normal and let your kids play for godsake - you will not get these years back and nor will they.

mummymeister · 08/06/2016 13:51

HPFA there are always places that are quieter than others. if you buy a family sized house in an area with a school and you go and look around and see lots of families there, then you know its going to be a place where there will be children and there will be noise.

when buying a property you shouldn't just look at the bricks and mortar the space or the garden. you need to be really sure if the area is right for you too.

There are people who are sensitised to noise. sometimes it is a MH issue, previous noise problem or perhaps they have always lived somewhere really quiet. the law takes no account of this. the law on noise is what is a statutory nuisance to the ordinary person on the Clapham omnibus - and that is the case law definition!

We live in the countryside and it is far from quiet but it does mean as we have no neighbours my kids can make as much noise as they want and there is no one to hear them.

BurningBridges · 08/06/2016 13:52

user ignore the confusion over your user name, its sorted, don't worry about it as you say nothing to do with your thread.

You have given these people power over you, now take it back again. I'd not even wait any longer I would report these incidents because it seems that this has happened because of the children and you can't allow that to go on. They have already frightened your children and they have altered their behaviour to their own detriment as a result. You need to explain that the neighbours are not nice people and put your life back in order, including that trampoline.

harryhausen · 08/06/2016 13:52

I agree that they are harassing you.

Don't give in to them. If they complain, simply tell them their complaints are unreasonable and you won't be responding. Their attitudes to your children are awful.

When I was growing up my mum and dad got on with a neighbour who bought a small strip of land from them. Within 12 months the neighbour had started behaving really awfully. Complaining about everything. Throwing nasty stuff into our garden. I remember being a bit scared of him, but my parents just ignored him and my dad went round to 'tell' him to back off when he did the weirdest stuff. I remember it tailed off after a few years.

Tell them, you will be reporting them to the police for harrassment and verbal abuse if they continue. Write every tiny thing down.

You're a normal family. Act like one. Smile

harryhausen · 08/06/2016 13:54

I just wanted to add, that my neighbours are retired. The one and only time they have ever complained about anything was when DH was drilling skirting boards into our adjoining wall at 10pm. Stupid man!

They are lovely. Take in parcels, give the kids Christmas gifts. I really appreciate them after reading this thread!

AristotleTheGreat · 08/06/2016 13:56

Very simply, you have been too kind with them and bend over bhackwards so now they think they can ask for anything. None of their complaint have any grounds at all.

I suspect that their issue has a lot to do with having a SN child. They clearly don't like that.

By any chance, did all the grumbles strated after you've had the extension done and did you tell them it was (partly?) by the Counvcil to accommodate one of your dcs?