To want to see my parents every other weekend?

[amigoingabitcrazy]

Family life is busy. Goes without saying!
In the last couple years I've had a child, returned to education, bought a house with dp and have another child on the way.
I feel like dm is really struggling to understand that I don't have time to see them 2-3 times a week and spend the whole weekend with them like I used to, and was absolutely horrified at the idea of seeing us for a few hours each weekend - let alone every other weekend!
I need to enjoy alone time with dp and dd, have my ils to consider and would appreciate maintaining a social life.
AIBU or is every other weekend an acceptable amount of time to see my parents? Right now you would think I was committing a heanus

Will definitely suggest dm having dd for tea a night each week as this would have little impact on dd and dp time together

No, don't do that. Because it'll be Thursday, and then for the rest of your life Thursdays are your mother's day, and if your child wants to do something after school or you want to do something in the evening or you want to go to a concert or you're invited out by friends or your daughter is invited out by friends you won't be able to, because it's Thursday and granny comes and that's an end of it.

I'd prefer my children to come to see me because they wanted to not because they think they have to. Your parents need to cut the apron strings as you have your own family now and your primary duty is to them now. I say this as somebody who has adult children with their own families, they live within a couple of miles of me but I accept that I will only see them when they have time. Sometimes it may not be for weeks.
My mother found it very hard when I finally found the courage to stop going for every Christmas Dinner, every spare moment and even un-spare moments but she got over it. She still has a little moan every now and again but I just let it wash over me. It's your life, you only get to live it once so take the flack and do what you want to do. They'll survive!

I agree with RunRabbitRunRabbit re "You clearly don't want to spend this much time with them. Your wishes are really obvious here. Your wishes are totally reasonable. You know that."

It seems your needs and desires are not taken into account here.

It really depends what your relationship with your mum is like. But if she is being funny or pulling a face because you cannot make a meal with a few hours notice, I'd have to say something like "Mum, when you pull a face and act upset when I not free to see you, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It's like you are not accepting my rights as an adult to make my own choices."

If your mum and dad brought you up to make your own choices then this should hit a note with them! It would with me! (I am 51 so closer in age to your parents than you!)

If you do not want a sit down discussion then just gradually ease off on the visits.

Your wishes count.

Agree with Bolograph if you are going to let dd go to granny's for tea vary the day, don't make a forever commitment, IMHO.

Arkwright me too, I enjoy seeing my parents and they love seeing the DGC often. My mum looks after the DC for 2 days a week whilst I work and then we spend one week day together when I'm off. We also see them for at least an afternoon during the weekend, sometimes we'll do a full day out somewhere. We're all close and when we want time as just our small family unit or when they want some time without us tagging along we just say and it's never a problem. OP I agree that you need to set boundaries with your parents so that you don't feel crowded, YANBU, the respect for time alone goes both ways.

Yanbu. I see and talk less to my daughter since she became a mum.
Simply because she is busy enjoying her maternity leave with her precious baby. She, baby and dog have a very busy life. The normal times I would call for a chat are the times when baby is napping, bed bath and story. Hell she only has this one year to really enjoy her baby without outside influence.

I'm sure as hell not guilt trip her. She knows I am at the end of the phone if need be. That I will drop everything and get one bus and three trains if she needs me.

I wasn't demanding home visits or visitation rights when she was a student and working almost 40 hours a week.

Parents who demand the time of their adult children have a very negative and damaging effect on their offspring's own family life.

Start saying no to your parents. Less frequent visits will mean there is less resentment. You will be happier to see them.

Indeed. What would the OP do when her mother has a full-on floods of tears tantrum because a fifteen year old is busy that night and won't be coming over for tea? Shouldn't go to university because what will I do on Thursdays? etc.

This sort of crap is toxic. Stop it before it gets out of hand. You aren't responsible for your parents' happiness, and your child absolutely isn't.

You have to do what works for you and your family. I do also think though you have to consider how you would hope to be treated by your children when you are older.

They are being very unreasonable!

My parents live round the corner. I usually go round for dinner after work once a week/once every ten days.

It's rare I see them at the weekends as I'm busy and so are they.

I do also think though you have to consider how you would hope to be treated by your children when you are older

This sort of stuff really annoys me. What it's saying is "if you want a sound relationship with your adult children, make sure that when they are younger you make it entirely clear that your and their interests are secondary to those of your own parents, so that later your children will similarly put you ahead of themselves and their own family". Well (a), that might have been true in 1953, but these days it's a recipe for your children emigrating to New Zealand the moment they can and (b) it's assuming that relationships only function through duty and obligation.

The GransNet "cut out of their lives" lunatics think like that: that their children owe them a duty to abnegate their own lives for the matriarch, because they did similarly for their own mothers. Perhaps it worked like that generations ago. It doesn't work like that now

Bolograph, spot on.
My mother was/is a GN lunatic type (and who knows, she may actually be on that thread) and that was exactly her belief - that I Owed Her.
A hell of a lot of harm is done, in families and elsewhere, by people being crapped on and then, instead of reflecting on the experience and choosing a different path, deciding it's their turn to do the crapping.

I'll be sending my dc off to live their own lives and positively discouraging them from dancing around me.

Yy to bolograph and hetero.

Op - forget the visits.

What's your actual relationship like?

What are your siblings relationships with them like?

What was your childhood like?

She sounds suffocating to me from your latest update (well, and from the first op really).

You need to be confident enough to start asserting your boundaries because you might look back on your years with your kids and wish you'd done it differently.

Toxic families often produce a child who ends up stuck at home sucking things up (often known as a 'golden child') while the others try to break away more and suffer heavily for it.

If she IS more than just a bit of a PITA, don't just hand her your kids so they suffer through her too!

Yanbu.

My family all live close (within 20-30 mins drive) so I see my parents once a fortnight, sometimes even a bit more. It works fine. Both dh and I (and ds) enjoy spending a few hours with them. Ds loves their garden at this time of the year and we usually get some of mum's homemade cake! In the summer in particular they realise we make a lot of plans - lots of days out, weekends away etc but I still speak to them on the phone once a week. I was always close to my grandparents and want ds to have the same. He doesn't have it with his other GPs because they live 4 hours away.

YANBU. I see my DM once a week every other week, sometimes more like every week. To be honest I wouldn't mind seeing her a bit less but I have to make time for everyone.

I see my dnan twice a week, that's mainly because she doesn't drive and needs to get out and about and I'm around to do it. But I enjoy doing it for her and it means she gets to spend time with the dc's.

PIL we see once every 2-3 ish weeks. They don't live locally although it's not stupidly far either. That suits me just fine.

Your Mum is pushing it OP. I'm her age, one unmarried son living away and two still at home. Son lives over an hour away, he come by to see us every weekend. Thats more than we saw him when he was at Uni. I can see once he's in a relationship/married/has children we will see less of him, he'll be busier.
You Mum needs to get a grip, you have your own family to see to. I live 5 minutes from my Mum and see her twice a week, once mid week if I'm not working, and she comes by on Sunday for dinner usually. But we are flexible, some weeks she'll pop in for a cuppa, be here 30 minutes and that it.

I do also think though you have to consider how you would hope to be treated by your children when you are older

Well I'm sure my children's lives will all be varied and very different to my own. They may live alone. They may have 15 children. They may live on a tiny island in the Bahamas. So I would never expect them to have the same relationship I have with my parents. I would like them to treat me with love in any way they feel is appropriate for the lives they lead. Which is in fact, what I'm trying my best to do.

Thank you again for the new replies. I probably just need to grow a thicker skin and ignore the guilt trips/sad faces when I can't do what others request.

I think the general consensus is a no to carry on this way and a definate no to set visiting days (I would personally prefer a no pressure approach anyway. I love my parents and don't want to just spend time with them because it's "that day").

I don't know why it's so hard for dm to adjust to my changing situation but it obviously is. Maybe it's a lack of respect for my feelings and opinions. Maybe it's the lack of control over me. I think I just need to be firm like many have said!

My parents are early to mid 50's and I see them maybe every three months. I only live 90 minutes away and I don't have kids so I don't even have that excuse.