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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see my parents every other weekend?

94 replies

amigoingabitcrazy · 07/06/2016 20:56

Family life is busy. Goes without saying!
In the last couple years I've had a child, returned to education, bought a house with dp and have another child on the way.
I feel like dm is really struggling to understand that I don't have time to see them 2-3 times a week and spend the whole weekend with them like I used to, and was absolutely horrified at the idea of seeing us for a few hours each weekend - let alone every other weekend!
I need to enjoy alone time with dp and dd, have my ils to consider and would appreciate maintaining a social life.
AIBU or is every other weekend an acceptable amount of time to see my parents? Right now you would think I was committing a heanus

OP posts:

Notso · 07/06/2016 22:21

My Mum once or twice a week but during the week, rarely at weekends.
I see PIL less but that's because often DH goes with the kids on a weekend to give me some time to myself.
DSIS lives three hours away and my Mum visits roughly once a week for the day.
DH's had two siblings and their families who live close and see PIL everyday after work. BIL2 spends his day off with them and both SIL and her DH, BIL2, wife and DN go for Sunday lunch pretty much weekly.
BIL1 lives in another country, his wife bring the kids back every school holiday, her parents visit for a week each month and PIL visit every 6 weeks.

AvaLeStrange · 07/06/2016 22:21

Yanbu, but I think Rosie makes a good point about taking into account how the relationship has already changed and handling it sensitively.

DD and I see my parents every Sunday for 4 - 8 hours (we stay longer & have dinner in the summer as DH has sporting commitments). I also drop in for half an hour most Tuesdays now as I go to a club 5 minutes from their house. Having said that I am an only child and they are in their late 70's.

I understand that it's frustrating when these arrangements seem set in stone and it definitely seems like there's room for some flexibility on their side

Lilacpink40 · 07/06/2016 22:27

I think some posters are being a bit harsh on you OP. Having a baby creates a change in family dynamics and seeing parents once a fortnight is still regular visits. You can phone for catch-up news, but your family unit is your priority now and in the long term (until your DCs want to go off and spend time with their future families!).

WriteforFun1 · 07/06/2016 22:29

How close do you live? Their expectation are way OTT but I'm guessing they live very near or they couldn't suggest this?

My parents used to want a visit each week, I managed it down to a fortnight and now trying once a month, it pisses them off but I no longer have a car so journey takes twice as long.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 07/06/2016 22:34

Wow I would go absolutely loopy if I saw my parents that often! DH only sees DS at the weekends and we all love downtime. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, I'd say every fortnight is very generous.

Lovewineandchocs · 07/06/2016 22:35

I didn't read it as the OP making a judgement call, rather that she was clarifying that they have other kids, one of whom they get to see every day, so it's not as if she's an only child or anything.

Lovewineandchocs · 07/06/2016 22:35

Sorry, that was to RosieSW

Rainbunny · 07/06/2016 22:36

God OP I'd be considering emigrating if I were you! My inlaws are like this, lovely people but they are claustrophobically close by my standards. The whole extended family live in the same local area and they are in and out of each other's houses every day - the real life Waltons! Luckily due to our jobs DH and I can't live anywhere close to where his family are based so we'll never be within "dropping in" distance.

I will admit, seeing how my inlaws are and knowing how open and easy going my dh is, I've realised how different family dynamics influence our personalities. My dh and I have very different levels of comfort of acceptance of family togetherness. I have a compartmentalized personality, I'm a different person to different friends a little bit and then I'm a different person to my inlaws and again probably a different person to my own family (I hope I'm not the only one who does this, I'm not hugely different but I notice it subtly). This is partly why I'd hate to live too close to either my family or my inlaws, as I feel like I can't really relax and be myself in my own home if I thought they would be dropping by so much. My dh who is just himself with everyone thinks I'm a bit crazy, he's probably right.

Original poster

amigoingabitcrazy · 07/06/2016 22:36

Rosiesw
I love my parents very much and we talk daily even if it's just general chat over text. I am certaint not trying to cut ties with them.

I saw them that often because I had no other commitments and plenty of free time. Dp worked from home and spending time with him was no issue. My life has gradually changed and I no longer have the time to do. I'm not dropping them because I have my own nuclear family. I simply don't have time to see them as often because I'm now an adult with my own adult responsibilities.
I want to reach a happy medium with the visits but at the moment is feels like all or nothing.

OP posts:

Damselindestress · 07/06/2016 22:39

YANBU. Since your parents are in their 50s, still work and have other children including one living at home, it's not like they are elderly, isolated or dependent on you. Sounds like they are being a bit smothering even though they may mean well. "Horrified" at the idea of only seeing you once a week, really? They not only need to accept you have grown up, they need to grow up a bit too! There is wanting to keep you close and then there is refusing to let go and let you grow. As loving parents they should be proud that they have raised you to stand on your own two feet and understand that now you are raising your own child you have other commitments. I think that seeing them once a fortnight is reasonable and normal for many families.

2catsnowaiting · 07/06/2016 22:40

Definitely start giving them the kids to babysit regularly and getting some time for yourselves :-)

My parents live close by and we see them a couple of times a month, sometimes more often if there's a reason, sometimes less often. Two or three times a week seems excessive.

Solina · 07/06/2016 22:41

YANBU to only want to see your parents every other weekend.
I love my parents but only see them few times a year for a few days at a time as I live in a different country to my family and tbh I feel it is enough.
We see OH parents about once or twice a month which sometimes feels too much even though they are lovely and I get on with them very well.

lozinge · 07/06/2016 22:46

I see my parents 5/6 times a week, eek I didn't realise that was not normal

Trills · 07/06/2016 22:48

From just the title I was going to say that YABU to want to see your parents every weekend because that's too much to commit to - you may have weekend plans two weekends in a row.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 07/06/2016 22:48

I'm not far off my 50s. Won't be getting rid of the kids for a while!

As alluded to, above, I see my parents 3-4 times a year.

MIL is fairly local and quite recently widowed, elderly, and in not great health herself, so she comes for tea, once a week and DH pops around with one of the kids at the weekend to do any heavy jobs she needs doing and maybe take her out somewhere for a bit.

Given that your parents are young, I bet they'd love babysitting duties!

RosieSW · 07/06/2016 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

amigoingabitcrazy · 07/06/2016 22:57

All the comments have been really helpful. I've had a really hard time tonight after a very strained conversation with dm regarding me turning down a meal (I already had plans) this afternoon and really needed to get some outsiders opinions. The replies are much appreciated. Will definitely suggest dm having dd for tea a night each week as this would have little impact on dd and dp time together. I really don't think they need to see me as often but I completely understand that gp's love to see their gc.

Just to clarify, I was highlighting that db still lives with them and they aren't rattling around the house on their own. I wasn't being judgmental, he's too young to leave home!

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 07/06/2016 23:00

All sounds well thought through

Rainbunny · 07/06/2016 23:06

OP can I ask how much your GPs were around when you were growing up? If that's part of the family dynamic I get it, but if your own parents didn't have to deal with their own parents' frequent visits then it's a bit rich if they can't understand your desire for some privacy.

RosieSW · 07/06/2016 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancingDinosaur · 07/06/2016 23:13

Once a fortnight is not unreasonable. I see my mum twice a week for a cuppa and we go out for dinner once a month as well with the kids. But that works for us and I'd like to have more time to see her really. But you need to do what works for you and your family.

switswoo81 · 07/06/2016 23:14

I think you do probably need to chat with them out in the open. Not at a time when you are refusing an invitation. I live 90 mins from my parents and we spend every second weekend with them but it's our only break. They take toddler dd in the morning so we can have a lie in and babysit if we want to go out. We have zero support in our home place and dh loves my family so it works for us.plus I genuinely enjoy their company.

RubixCubes · 07/06/2016 23:15

I see my Mum a few times a week. My Dad once or twice. In the last 4 days I've seen my two grans, great auntie and Uncle and my parents twice, will be seeing my Mum again tomorrow.

This is with a full time job, one 4 year old and one on the way. It's not everyone's ideal and I imagine some people's worst nightmare. It's each to their own I guess.

I don't think yabu but I don't think she is by wanting to see more of you either.

Original poster

amigoingabitcrazy · 07/06/2016 23:17

rosiesw
What you have explained would be ideal! I have never wanted visits to become a chore rather than enjoyable time spent together. I'm just met with "oh right misserable face" when I can't make something but I may just have to stand my ground and hope after a while it just becomes the norm. Anything to avoid it becoming a sit down discussion

OP posts:

Arkwright · 07/06/2016 23:18

I see mine daily and wouldn't have it any other way. We live very close by.

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