to ban DH from taking money from my purse?

[OohMavis]

Last night I went to bed with £50 in my purse. The £50 had a purpose, one I hadn't bothered explaining to DH because it was mind-numbingly BORING and therefore unworthy of a whole conversation based around it. I was going to town to buy everyone socks and underwear.

I woke up and I have £25. He's taken money, AGAIN. He leaves for work at 4am and leaves at the last minute, so has no time to stop by an ATM. His work is off the beaten track and has a crappy ATM on site that never works, so he just roots around for cash and takes whatever he finds because he's too lazy, or has lost his card again, for the 50th time this year because he refuses to use a fucking wallet, to get money the night before.

I don't have a debit card because he borrowed it and bloody LOST it and I'm waiting for a new one. It's not the end of the world but it's so fucking irritating. We share finances, what's mine is his and vice versa but ffs.

I messaged him just now and he said sorry, he took it to top up his lunch key at work and didn't think I had plans for it. Well I did. Big pants plans.

So aibu to ban him from taking my change forever more, because he's a lazy git and it's fucking annoying?

Mine does this, but just with change for the coffee machine at work. The times I have turned up at playgroup and gone to get my pound out to find a few coppers, or to pay for Beavers etc. So irritating. I hide pound coins in a pot now!

Pp has a good point re ATM fraud. If bank can prove you're letting someone else use your card and PIN against the contract you have with them and someone then steals from that account they wouldn't have to pay out, noepr would any insurance.

I know it's not really the point but o don't think you can inadvertently carry out a criminal action by filling up your car and then finding your DH has your bank card. If I remember my A level law, it has to be proved that you had the intention - ie you knew you had no card but filled up anyway and tried to leave.

Anyway, I bloody hate it when I get used as an ATM. I plan ahead - why don't you?!

I feel that his behaviour It shows a lack of thought about your needs and a lack of respect for you. It would give me the red mist. It also shows he can't manage his own money.

You are enabling his poor behaviour by letting this go unchecked. If he's a good man, but bad with money, talk before it becomes corrosive. Make sure there is no money in the house and your bank card is with you all the time. Call him at work. Tell him to call for money on the way home as you haven't any in the house to loan him. and stick to it.. Explain that without change, his attitude will destroy your relationship. Nothing is as corrosive as financial mistrust in a partnership. If your relationship is good- offer to help him manage his money better-if you think he will not be offended- it may be a habit he has learnt growing up at home and no one ever told him it wasn't ok.Sit and do your monthly bank balance at the end of the month together, like Goingtobeawesome said...in the real world he's a functioning adult ! But this behaviour isn't OK because it upsets you, so it needs to stop. Good luck.

While it sounds like your DH isnt the most considerate in this respect, the fact that he brushes his teeth downstairs as to not wake you up (and that your issue with it could be solved by a second tube of toothpaste) leads me to think that if he's grown up in relationships (family and intimate) where money is shared, he really doesn't see it as yours. So many people are being vehemently unreasonable here - you haven't accused him of maxing out your credit cards or wild and uncontrolled spending, just not having the foresight to go to the ATM the night before, and you've said he regularly does this for reasonable reasons:

• Early starts
• Physically demanding job
• Local ATM is broken

On one hand you say he's lazy but on the other hand he leaves the house at 4am. Does he stay up past 8pm being sociable to you for the quality of his relationship or get the sleep he needs? It sounds like if you're going into town then stopping by the bank and getting a cash card is a good idea while you wait for the chip/VISA card to arrive.

Yes, he had a lack of foresight and he apologised for it. So I don't see further suffering to be necessary to prove his love for you.

Instead I'd keep a coin bag or envelope in your purse/handbag which you can explain to him is money not to touch because it's either needed or promised to people. While YANBU to be miffed that he left you short, YABU if you turn it into a huge deal and ban him using your cash store if his mental understanding has been that it is a shared resource. He probably just assumed you got out enough for both of you as you knew he'd struggle to... and on that note, why didn't you?

If your partner loses their own card and then loses yours then unless you have another emergency credit card the entire family is without access to cash unexpectedly for several days, which could just be a minor inconvenience but could be a very significant problem, depending what happens over those days ...

If you're lending your card out and your partner or whoever you lend it to doesn't memorise your number they must write it down and take it and the card together - in which case you are definitely negligent and will definitely not be covered if they lose your card and written down PIN and somebody clears your account using the original, genuine card and correct PIN!

We're forever dipping into each other's wallets (coins for the parking meter and cards for shopping) but we always tell each other so we know where we're up to. It'd be bloody annoying if we didn't.

Can your OH not stop on the way home from work to get money for the next day?

YANBU for banning him from your purse/ handbag.

DH and I always ask each other if we need cash, we don't go rootling through each others' wallets. (DH doesn't leave the house at 4 a.m., but even if he did he wouldn't take money without asking - he would ask the night before. If he is doing anything with DCs I often ask him the night before if he needs any money ... because he never seems to trouble the ATM very often.)

Impossible to plan if you don't know how much money is in your purse!

And after your experience with lending him your bank card, surely you don't feel like lending it ever again ...?

Oh, I often do that . I probably haven't taken cash out of an ATM for years, 99% of places take card. Then when I need cash eg for a tip I take OH's.

I don't see further suffering to be necessary to prove his love for you.

Jesus, neither do I!

first world problems

Thanks guys, you've given me the perspective I need. I've called the solicitor and I've halted divorce proceedings. For now.

Ex-DH cleared our bank account and legged it so current DP has no access to my finances. Other ex- partner would sell his own granny ( I can pick them) so I started taking my handbag up to bed and keeping all pins etc secret. Current DP thinks I am weird but don't trust anybody now !

These little things can be really annoying, though, Mavis.

DH never used to use his key to let himself in, but would knock at the door. So, I would have to stop whatever I was doing to let him in. Yeah, it's only a minute of my life, but it says "I'm more important than you are - you are here to serve me."

He also used to put all the dishes in the sink, and run a sink full of water, and leave them there "to soak". Invariably, it was me who had to put my arm in the cold greasy water to get the plug out, and do the dishes the next day.

They seem such little things, but cumulatively, they get you down.

As a one off, it's nothing. But when it's "yet again", and you have already explained why it's a problem, then you have every right to be upset.

Arrrrghh! Glad thread still open to rant! -D- H still not sourced replacement bank card so got money out of account for him last night with mine, he's now said as he's headed out door I'll need to take your card as well as cash 'just in case' and left me with fucking nothing!! But that's 'ok as am at home all day and have cc if need it' just ranting really as he still doesnt get why this pisses me off!!!

Poppie that is not OK.

You just cannot say "I will need to take your bank card" and do it despite your partner being unhappy with that.

It is breaking the terms and conditions of your bank.

It leaves you liable if he loses the card - which he has form for doing.

Most importantly he is telling you he is vastly more important than you and that your wishes and opinions and your day are of very minor significance - you are just the little woman.

It is adding insult to injury because you drew cash out for him and he is taking your card as well "just in case" - just in case of what exactly?

He cannot be bothered to source a new bank card - the bloody breath taking arrogance of him not making a phone call to his bank and thinking it is fine to make your life inconvenient to save himself a lesser inconvenience is surely hitting you this morning?

Also has he not reported his card lost to the bank? If he had a new one would automatically be on the way to him.

Does that mean his lost card is lying about somewhere in a public place and has not been cancelled?

That card gives access to your joint account doesn't it?

It will be mostly his fault but partly yours (for letting him get away with just taking your card over and over again) when money starts getting withdrawn from the account using the lost card. Until it is reported lost any withdrawals or payments made on the card stand - you won't get money taken on a card not reported lost or stolen back.

he's now said as he's headed out door I'll need to take your card as well as cash 'just in case' and left me with fucking nothing!!

How's that "we share PINs, of course we do, why wouldn't you?" stuff working out for you today, OP?

Presumably he wasn't heading to work at 4 am today?

If he has some later starts he hasn't got a reason not to go to a cash machine on those days (though tbh I leave the house at 5:30am on my work days and it doesn't render me unable to use an ATM - they don't have opening hours. ..)

*normally, when he hasn't lost his card, failed to cancel it and trigger a new one being sent out, and taken yours against your wishes and in addition to cash you went to the trouble of withdrawing for him, I mean.

I am raging, thankfuly this stupidity and wankerage does not transfer to any other part of our life but it is not acceptable and he's now after my call to him agreed with me, although initially said 'but you're having a lazy day at home I didnt think you'd need to go out' through gritted teeth told him that's not the chuffing point, and that he needs to get sorted and act like a grown up- agree with pp where they've pointed out enabling behaviours- and from now on I'm going to force myself not to 'care' if he's stuck (within reason!) for money/lunches at work due to his own irresponsible behaviour!! And I will be using the pinchange facility at the ATM asap!!

Tried to reduce my level of swearyness on 2nd post!

It's the multiple hit of having lost his own card, then taken yours, and then taken a chunk of your cash too, without warning. One of those things is excusable. All of them = thoughtless at best, and selfish at worst.

This would have me in a near murderous fury.

1. My handbag and purse are MY PERSONAL SPACE, not for others (including DH and the DDs) to invade or rifle through without my specific permission. DH's wallet and pockets are part of HIS personal space.

2. My bank cards are just that, MY cards. Nobody else's, and not public property. DH's are his. Ditto for PINs.

I agree that changing your PIN is the way to go. To be honest, your DH sounds scatterbrained and irresponsible. He needs to take responsibility for himself here.

How's that "we share PINs, of course we do, why wouldn't you?" stuff working out for you today, OP?

The issues isnt sharing PINs though. H and I use each others cards if we need to, like when mine was mangled and I was waiting for a replacement. What we dont do is the leave the other one high and dry with no cash and no card.

The issue is selfish and thoughtless people, not whether people who trust each other should use each others card.

Bolograph that wasn't me you were quoting there, I think it was Poppie.

But yeah it's working out just fine today, because he left my flipping change alone

Changing the PIN wouldn't stop the card being used for contactless transactions for up to £30. So there's still a need to make them understand that just taking cards/cash is not on.