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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban DH from taking money from my purse?

125 replies

OohMavis · 07/06/2016 07:55

Angry

Last night I went to bed with £50 in my purse. The £50 had a purpose, one I hadn't bothered explaining to DH because it was mind-numbingly BORING and therefore unworthy of a whole conversation based around it. I was going to town to buy everyone socks and underwear.

I woke up and I have £25. He's taken money, AGAIN. He leaves for work at 4am and leaves at the last minute, so has no time to stop by an ATM. His work is off the beaten track and has a crappy ATM on site that never works, so he just roots around for cash and takes whatever he finds because he's too lazy, or has lost his card again, for the 50th time this year because he refuses to use a fucking wallet, to get money the night before.

I don't have a debit card because he borrowed it and bloody LOST it and I'm waiting for a new one. It's not the end of the world but it's so fucking irritating. We share finances, what's mine is his and vice versa but ffs.

I messaged him just now and he said sorry, he took it to top up his lunch key at work and didn't think I had plans for it. Well I did. Big pants plans.

So aibu to ban him from taking my change forever more, because he's a lazy git and it's fucking annoying?

OP posts:
Baconyum · 07/06/2016 09:42

I'm shocked at the haphazard financial arrangements - doesn't it make it difficult to run a budget if you don't know what's going on day to day?

Agree with this not being funny because he's valuing his time over ops. That said I second the ideas of Monopoly money and Grin printout and add going to bed with a travel wallet/belt thing with the real money in it!

OutToGetYou · 07/06/2016 09:43

Actually, both dp and dss feel very odd about going on my bag. If they ask for something and I say it's in my bag, they bring the bag to me holding it like a bomb about to explode.

It's quite nice to know they feel that way as it does mean they won't just randomly go through my bag.

WaitrosePigeon · 07/06/2016 09:44

I don't think that type of behaviour is funny, or lighthearted or anything along those lines. I think it's really bad.

GrimmauldPlace · 07/06/2016 09:47

DH does this too. Drives me round the bend. Especially as I very rarely use cash, so if I do have cash in my purse there is always a reason for it. Usually to pay for school stuff. We now have a jar with loose change for him to use if he wants lunch money or something and is too lazy to go to the cashpoint.

GrimmauldPlace · 07/06/2016 09:49

He's also taken my debit card out of my coat pocket where it lives on multiple occasions and puts it in my purse. I don't usually take my purse out. I have no idea why he does it. Leave my stuff where it is!

SistersOfPercy · 07/06/2016 09:49

I think dh is actually afraid of my purse. He'll very occasionally ask if I have any cash on me (a rarity to be fair), if I say 'yes there is a tenner in my purse help yourself' he will appear brandishing my purse toward me like it's diseased.
For twenty three years I've been saying just open it and grab the cash. He still won't.

splendide · 07/06/2016 09:51

I don't think it's funny, I think it's trivial. The cash anyway, I wouldn't have lent him or anyone else my debit card.

I leave the house before DH and if I need some cash for lunch I'll take it! As I said our new system is to keep a supply of cash in the house so we can both get it if we need it so no longer an issue. Just don't see it's a big deal though. We have completely shared finances.

Sprink · 07/06/2016 09:51

Honestly, I think men are afraid they might find the spare tampon in there.

Original poster
OohMavis · 07/06/2016 09:57

Oh I don't have a handbag, I just leave my purse about the place. I've taken to keeping his license in there so it doesn't suffer the same fate as his bank cards, and his work discount cards because I use them and they're a fucker to replace... there's no issues about him going in there generally!

I'm surprised to hear there are so many men who refuse to use wallets. Is it a thing? I just thought DH was weird.

He's redeemed himself somewhat. He's sent me a code to get money from the ATM without a card. It's an app he has on his phone that unsurprisingly he uses a lot Hmm

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 07/06/2016 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/06/2016 09:58

Yanbu yanbu yanbu. My dh does this, I have no idea why. I might send him to the shops for a midweek top-up shop (you know, a £20 thing) and he'll take money from my purse to pay for it, rather than just using his debit card! I mean why?? He also helps himself to change and odd fivers at random. In his daily life he walks past far more cash points than me.

He's away for a month now and I'm enjoying knowing how much is in my purse at any given time.

Original poster
OohMavis · 07/06/2016 10:01

Oh and underwear and socks are fucking expensive, and I buy 'cheap'! There are four of us in pants and we all need packs of new socks too.

Might have to have a look at primark.

OP posts:
AristotleTheGreat · 07/06/2016 10:03

I have to say I'm surprised at the attitude that some people men have.
I would never take anything out of DH purse wo asking him first and the other way around.
Just as I wouldn't open his post or read his emails.

There has been quite a few threads before about men who think they can just rely on their DW to sort things out whilst they take no care of the whereabouts of the cards, money, wallet, Oyster card etc... I've always wondered why women put up with it.
Their card, their problem. Up to them to sort out how to get money wo a card, pay for lunch etc... (And no waking their DP at 4.00am to check if they can take £20 out their wallet isn't an acceptable alternative)

Liiinooo · 07/06/2016 10:09

I can see this is irritating, but as OP has said, it is shared money so it isn't stealing. And it is only temporary til a new card is issued but for being annoying I would leave him out of the sock fest. On the other hand, I would buy him his very own toothpaste to keep downstairs as his thoughtfulness there is very sweet.

I am a little nonplussed at people so down on you for using one another's cards. Surely if they are joint accounts with shared money that is fine? I have been using my DHs card to get cash out of 'my' main account since the machine ate it on Christmas Day 2014 since he tends not to use that account. Similarly I was amazed to discover I have a contactless card on another account that I have never actually seen-it arrived, went in a drawer and DH appropriated it when he damaged his own.

And in the interests of full disclosure I would be the one raiding DHs pockets for emergency cash for the window cleaner/ pizza delivery etc. He takes it very well.

QuestionableMouse · 07/06/2016 10:35

This would be LTB territory for me. I rarely carry cash so if I have it it's there for a reason.

enterYourPassword · 07/06/2016 10:47

"Couple who (a) don't have their own bank cards and (b) don't keep their PINs safe are a complete mystery. Why do you do this? Why don't you have your own cards, and why do you tell each other the PINs?"

Why wouldn't you? Not trusting them with cash is a little worrying. He wasn't stealing, just being a little useless.

My DH with a lot of responsibility in his job, asks for pocket money and probably doesn't know his PIN (the same as mine for ease). We all have weaknesses and strengths and his weakness is that I could spend every penny he earns, remortgage the house many times over and he wouldn't have a clue.

I would expect a text (or similar) if he'd taken cash to avoid a situation like the OP's but it wouldn't bother me in general.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 07/06/2016 11:19

I laugh at the fact that you can trust your DH with your love, your body, your children, your life...but not your PIN 😂😂😂

splendide · 07/06/2016 11:25

My DH knows my pin but I wouldn't let him borrow my card - he can sort his own card out, I wouldn't want to be without it even for a day or two!

SaucyJack · 07/06/2016 12:23

I don't think it's stealing either- just hugely, massively selfish.

He knows she can't get more cash out (because he's lost her card), but he'd still rather fuck up whatever plans she had for the day/that specific cash than get up in time to go to the cash machine or make himself a sandwich instead of buying lunch. Or at the very least he could have just have taken one fiver for today's lunch.

It isn't cute. I'm sure he's usually a nice, normal husband but I really think you should sit him down tonight and point out how selfish he'd been.

And don't use Monopoly money or turn it into some other joke- unless you actually want to be the sort of wife who puts up with this crap because you can't trust your DH to behave like an adult.

(And I know I'm ranting now but the more I think about it, the crosser I get)

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 07/06/2016 12:27

Lazy arse can get in touch with the bank, get his card cancelled and replaced and get his own bloody money out of the cashpoint.

You meantime, need to change your own PIN and tell him to leave your purse alone.

NotMyMoney · 07/06/2016 12:34

DH knows not to take money out of or the side the money is there for a reason normally for school (don't ever remember my mum paying school so much money so often!)

I buy 80% of pants and socks from primary there so cheap I also buy the same so when the washing machine eats one they'll always have a pair!

NotMyMoney · 07/06/2016 12:36

Primary is of course primark! But then maybe I buy all the pants and socks form the primary school and that's why I seem to be paying them so much!

Gottagetmoving · 07/06/2016 12:43

Just hide your debit card and your money/purse.
No point in arguing about it - just make sure he has access to nothing.

splendide · 07/06/2016 12:45

Actually Saucy makes a good point, I was forgetting he knows she can't just get more out/ pay with a card. I would be cross about that.

Standingonmytippytoes · 07/06/2016 12:55

DP was always taking my purse out of my bag to take either cash or my card and not replacing the purse or the card. Until I had to use my ID to pick something up. He was with me and I threw an absolute fit. He was mortified. I was just so sick of going into my bag to pay for something and having no cash. Funnily enough he hasn't done it since.