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AIBU?

AIBU to think my dh is still punishing me for pregnancy?

95 replies

cloneroom · 06/06/2016 21:53

Our last baby was not planned.
When I found out I was pregnant dh went crazy threatened to leave me and behaved terribly. He didn't talk to me for weeks and when he finally realised I was not going to have the abortion he wanted me to have his behaviour towards me changed and now 7 months after her birth it's still bad.

I normally just roll over and do what he wants but I couldn't have the abortion I just couldn't and standing up to him like this has pretty much ruined his attitude towards me.

I am very anxious now when he is home and I just can't forgive him for the way he behaved.

AIBU to still feel like the pregnancy is the issue or 7 months on is this just how things are now?

OP posts:

Report

TheHobbitMum · 07/06/2016 16:34

I can only echo what everyone else has said but I'm thinking of you

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 16:36

It's half an hour until I leave. Dh will probably stay until tonight. I just feel like screaming to everyone how terrible things are! But it's like today at the gp it was just yes everything is fine I feel better (moaning about my dh doesn't seem relevant) the health visitor is coming Thursday it will be thre same . There's no one at all I can just talk to.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 07/06/2016 16:37

Life can't be any harder or worse than it already is, have you run some figures through a benefit calculator. I think yiu might be surprised.

StVincent · 07/06/2016 16:40

You can ring the Samaritans, you know. They're just there to talk to, not just for those who are very depressed.

Dozer · 07/06/2016 16:40

He is abusive. The relationship is bad for you and your DC. Please seek help from a womens organisation.

Dozer · 07/06/2016 16:41

You could talk to the HV.

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 16:44

I have emailed women's aid but they didn't reply. It's hard to phone as I am either with my dh or the kids.

OP posts:

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 16:47

I did try to talk to the HV but she scared me a little by reacting so strongly - all I asked was about changing the child benefit etc to my name (it is currently all in his name I have no income at all of my own) even pay from work is transferred into a joint account. I owe money because I took out a loan to cover costs that happened when the business started. I wouldn't even cover what I owe with benefits

OP posts:

Griphook · 07/06/2016 17:02

Why is the child benefit on his name? I could be wrong but If it's in yours you get years towards your state pension.

Can I just say, I felt a bit like you in the sense of walking on eggs shells, stbx used to stay up all night and sleep all day, in the end I preferred it that way as I felt more comfortable. We are still living in the same house, but not together and I feel like a weight is lifted. I no long worry if he's in a bad mood, sulking, sleeping. It's not my responsibility to keep him happy, and when he is sulking I no longer feel the physical
Dread I did before.

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 17:03

It was just set up in his name when our first dd was born 12 years ago.

OP posts:

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 17:04

I do feel happier when he is at work which is sad, he was only home 6 hours between midnight and last night and it was just easier that way.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 07/06/2016 17:05

Oh God, you work with him too?!
Definitely keep applying for other jobs.

"I just feel like screaming to everyone how terrible things are! But it's like today at the gp it was just yes everything is fine I feel better (moaning about my dh doesn't seem relevant) the health visitor is coming Thursday it will be thre same . There's no one at all I can just talk to."

The thing is, OP, if you don't tell the GP that your DH is controlling and abusive, they're not going to know that everything isn't fine, are they?

And what do you mean when you say the HV reacted "so strongly"?

You say you have no one to talk to, but you also say that you can't call Women's Aid. If you want the right support, you have to make time for it.

Counselling should be helpful so at least you have that on Friday.

As for help with benefits, debts and other money issues, your best bet would probably be CAB.

sepa · 07/06/2016 17:13

OP have you posted before? I'm sure this is similar to a previous thread. If so, I don't want to sound mean (my dad was very violent and mentally abusive to me and my mum so I do know kind of what guys like this are like) but until you leave him there is nothing that mumsnet can do for you. I'm not sure how helpful our replies are.
Your OH is not "nice" in anyway. You shouldn't have to pussyfoot around because you had another baby together.

Like was pointed out in the previous thread (if it was indeed yours) then the way you became pregnant was not in a consenting way - grinding you down till you reluctantly agree is not consent in my eyes.

OP, please leave this guy, if not for your sake then for your daughters

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 17:14

Yes another Emma we sit opposite each other
I don't mention it to the gp or health visitor because I don't see that there is anything they can do . I don't feel in a position to leave and I feel like if I tell them how things really are they will I don't know call social services or just I will somehow be marked as being a moaner!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/06/2016 17:24

This man is emotionally abusive.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/06/2016 17:31

He is emotionally and financially abusive. He won't improve. You need to work out the best options for you and your DC which will probably involve getting away from this man at some point. Perhaps invent an appointment to get out for an hour during the day and ring WA.

cloneroom · 07/06/2016 17:39

I have posted before it was off the back of that post that I emailed women's aid/ tried to change the child benefit/ applied for jobs and agreed to the counselling. Please don't link to thre post the reason I keep changing name is just so that if he sees one he doesn't then see them all.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 07/06/2016 17:39

"I don't mention it to the gp or health visitor because I don't see that there is anything they can do . I don't feel in a position to leave and I feel like if I tell them how things really are they will I don't know call social services or just I will somehow be marked as being a moaner!"

There is no "moaner" box on their forms or databases for them to tick!

I find it amazing that you're not willing to talk to professionals about your situation because you're afraid of what they might think of you. They are professionals, they are trained to help people and not judge them.

They can help by referring you for specialist support, for example to the local domestic abuse support team and/or the local Women's Aid.

Ironically you don't want to be seen as a "moaner" but you're moaning on here and seem to be resistant to our suggestions to get the help that you need.

I understand it's difficult but I'm not saying you need to leave him today - I'm just saying you need to reach out to SOMEONE to get support.

Dozer · 07/06/2016 18:21

What do you mean the HV reacted strongly? She was concerned about you? That's a good thing. Please try WA again.

sepa · 07/06/2016 18:50

OP, as a child of this sort of marriage I urge you to get out especially if your eldest has already seen 12 years of this. It has taken a lot of building to get me back but I still am very cautious of all new people. I would hate that in another 10 years your eldest is not speaking to you because of her childhood. Your husband will be playing these mind games with your daughters, they may grow up thinking that the way you are being treated is normal and they themselves could find themselves in an abusive relationship.
It saddens me that my mum put up with my dad for so long. You are worth more than this OP. There will be help for you on the other side and you are not stuck there

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