AIBU to think my dh is still punishing me for pregnancy?

[cloneroom]

Our last baby was not planned.
When I found out I was pregnant dh went crazy threatened to leave me and behaved terribly. He didn't talk to me for weeks and when he finally realised I was not going to have the abortion he wanted me to have his behaviour towards me changed and now 7 months after her birth it's still bad.

I normally just roll over and do what he wants but I couldn't have the abortion I just couldn't and standing up to him like this has pretty much ruined his attitude towards me.

I am very anxious now when he is home and I just can't forgive him for the way he behaved.

AIBU to still feel like the pregnancy is the issue or 7 months on is this just how things are now?

Do you think you should be sorry for being pregnant?

"Nice"? Really?

Appalling that he pestered for some action and then promised to withdraw but didn't...... How is it your fault?!

No I don't feel sorry for being pregnant I'm not really sure why I feel guilty about it. I take antidepressants now as it's just so stressful living with it

He sounds awful.

I know it is easier said than done but this is one of the rare instances where I would advocate leaving him. He, from what you have said, adds nothing but stress to your life and does not act like a parent to your youngest child.

He's not nice. He's awful, awful awful.
You're living a terrible half life, you're even on anti depressants because he's so awful.
Time to make plans op, this is no life.

So why do you feel guilty? Do you think there's something you should have done which you didn't?

OP. How do you feel about him really. ? Does he enhance the sum total of happiness to your family ? On days when he stays out/up all night are you relieved or sad. ? If he came home tonight and said he was leaving you (but would pay maintenance to you of 20% of his income but you would have to sell the house and find somewhere else to live on 60/70% of the equity...would you be dancing a jig or on the floor with grief... The answers will help you figure out where you want to be.

He's emotionally beaten you down so much that you've lost sight of what nice means.

The more you write about him and the circumstances around your baby's conception, the more it sounds as though he deliberately engineered the situation in order to get you pregnant and force you into an abortion, which is quite frankly horrifying.

I had exactly the same pregnancy- not planned ,couldn't go through with an abortion (nothing against it I just couldn't do it) DP was horrid for the whole pregnancy- I spent everyday crying , the thought of being pregnant again actually chills me to the core it was so bad, so I really do feel for u, u need a big hug & to feel loved as you deserve it your doing the most wonderful job you could do of being a parent.

I always found it hard to go against my DP so he was shocked when he realised there was actually going to be a baby! It's funny how (some) men can make you feel like you are being the unreasonable one when they don't get their own way

Is there anyway you could talk things through? It doesn't sound like a very happy home for you & if it's not for you then your DC will pick up in this .

Two ways to look at it you stay for the DC or you leave for the DC

Having less money may be hard but you'd have some kind of peace of mind which may work out better in the long run for your family without your DH

The fact you're on antidepressants over this is so sad. Please sit down with him and go through everything without saying sorry, without minimising how he's treated you. Make him aware you are ready to walk away from the relationship right now, if he wants it to continue he needs to start putting right the damage he's caused and that begins by apologising and taking responsibility for it all.

We don't own a house - we rent from a private landlord we have five girls, I would be practically destitute without his income. I would not be able to work because of the cost of childcare. I can only l work two days now becSuae his income is high enough to pay for childcare.

He would have to pay maintainance for his children though OP.

He is still in the office now at twenty to eleven. If I try to talk to him about things he just walks away or says "don't start". It's useless.

He sounds abusive. Abuse does not begin and end with hitting. You are being abused.

Can you call Women's Aid without him knowing?

I can't call. I did email them but no one ever replied.

The issue I emailed about has resolved now anyway:.

Op he sounds abusive. He usually gets his own way. You said you usually do as he says. but when you didnt you saw his true self more clearly. He pressured you into sex.
He didnt use contraception. He lied about going to withdraw. He is now punishing you.

Why cant you call?

When you next see him begin a conversation with a blunt question, the one you've asked here: "Are you punishing me for this pregnancy?" If that doesn't get his attention try: "I think we should separate. I want you to leave."

If he still won't talk pack his bags when he's out at work, leave them on the step and change the locks. Get someone round to stay with you. Do you have a friend or family member close by who would stay with you?

If you feel you couldn't leave for financial reasons then for your sake put him out of your head & get on with raising your DC . Ignore him the best you can, maybe if you stop apologising and putting your self down things may even out again. But please don't waste your precious life on someone who can have that attitude towards you

You would not be destitute. Take some time and then go on to the website "entitled to" - put all the figures in for you on your own and you may be surprised by how much you are entitled to help with - it also allows you to try a few different scenarios at the end eg what effect working extra hours etc would have. Ito should be entitled to tax credits, housing benefit help with child care.

Life is far too short to waste it on someone whose only desire is to abuse you. Your DDs do not need this as an example of a relationship.

he thought he could bully you into having an abortion as birth control because he would rather not withdraw. That means he took that risk with your body, health and potentially an unborn child.

I agree with the above assessment, and that your current arrangement sounds awful.

If he's always either at work or not available and interactive at home what would be different for you if you separated? Apart from the fact that you wouldn't have to be around him, what would be different if you weren't together?

Even being destitute (which you won't be) but free has to be better than living as you are, surely?