AIBU to think my dh is still punishing me for pregnancy?

[cloneroom]

Our last baby was not planned.
When I found out I was pregnant dh went crazy threatened to leave me and behaved terribly. He didn't talk to me for weeks and when he finally realised I was not going to have the abortion he wanted me to have his behaviour towards me changed and now 7 months after her birth it's still bad.

I normally just roll over and do what he wants but I couldn't have the abortion I just couldn't and standing up to him like this has pretty much ruined his attitude towards me.

I am very anxious now when he is home and I just can't forgive him for the way he behaved.

AIBU to still feel like the pregnancy is the issue or 7 months on is this just how things are now?

He sounds horrid. There's no respect or cherishing going on is there? And he know how babies are made so he needs to take some responsibility for his prick. But he's a prick himself.

Dump, imo.

Call Women's Aid when he's at work.
I'm sorry they didn't reply to your email, but they will be helpful if you call them.

You mentioned money worries if you leave him. You would be legal entitled to child maintenance from him (you can find out how much here and you would be able to claim income support (if you work less than 16 hours) or working tax credits (if you work more than 16 hours) as well as child tax credits, child benefit, housing benefit and council tax reduction. You can find out what you'd get and how much at entitledto.co.uk.

Your poor DD will have to grow up living with a father who resents her. Because it will be obvious.

Think of your daughter if not of yourself and LTB.

He sounds absolutely horrid op and is definitely punishing you. Don't believe that you are stuck without him. Agree with the others, call WA and start making plans to leave him. You and your girls don't deserve to live like this.

I'd strongly recommend counselling either as a couple if you want to give him one last chance or as an individual to help you get the strength to leave him, continuing in the current situation just won't work. Good luck.

2ndstreet
No, couple's counselling is NOT recommended when there is abuse.
Individual counselling for the OP would be helpful. Joint counselling with him would not.

How would you feel if one of your daughters was in a relationship with someone "nice" like their father. Someone that they 'give into' when their partners want sex, having to take AD's to cope with living with such a man, being blamed for the consequences of the entitled selfishness of their partner, whilst being ignored for daring to have a different opinion.

If the above isn't a dynamic you want your daughters exposed to, then you must stop modelling a relationship that promotes it.

You are jointly responsible for their exposure to this selfish and abusive bully and as hard as it is going to be for you to break away, it's going to be ten times harder for them watching and learning from this abusive relationship. I grew up in a dysfunctional relationship and even though I came out of it relatively unscathed, there are some dynamics that if you are exposed young and long enough to, you have to work very damn hard to not replicate.

You have choices, your daughters are dependent on you making healthy ones.

You won't be destitute. We live in a welfare state and you'll get money from him.

Ok. It won't be the life of luxury, but it will be an awful lot better than living with this prick. He's not nice, he's a complete bastard.

Get your paperwork sorted & go to a solicitor.

I actually have an appointment for counselling this Friday that was arranged ages ago by my gp for depression.

I he a gp appointment this morning, she said I looked a lot better and I don't need to go back for 6 months. I actually feel stupidly upset and I am sitting here very nearly in tears on the train.
I have no idea why.

I think I am still supposed to go to he counselling appointment thought even though I don't need to go back to the doctor?

I have been applying to jobs away from dh (we work together) but I don't seem to be able to get any - even when I get an interview I think I come across as extremely shy and not confident . Pathetic I know .

I don't know if I am supposed to talk about this sort of thing in the counselling - I was told that it was counselling for depression as opposed to cbt which I had before and didn't help at all.

WTAF is this GP on?! Ridiculous!
You can talk to a counsellor about whatever is upsetting you, surely? Tell them everything you can.
Good luck OP

I think it's just because I have been ill a lot since having dd and been in hopsital 3 times with various infections - to be fair I DO look ALOT better than I have

Next time he threatens to leave I'd show him the door.
Also if he moans about the baby point out that the only way for it to happen was for him to stick his penis in you without wet weather gear.

He sounds fucking awful and you sound completely ground down. Some GPs are brilliant with mental health stuff and some are completely shit. Can you see a different doctor? I would definitely go ahead with the counselling- it's your space, it's totally up to you what you talk about.
I know the thought of leaving when you're depressed and have 5 DCs must seem impossible but, if you at least start researching it, it may help you to feel less trapped.Being in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit is far lonelier than being on your own.
DS2 wasn't planned and DH really really wasn't happy about it and didn't really come round to the idea until I was halfway through the pregnancy but he never even mentioned abortion, let alone pressured me.
You might want to think about starting a thread in Relationships- there have been/are lots of threads which last for months or even years by women recognising that they are in an abusive relationship and eventually finding the strength to leave. You will get support even if you're not at a stage to even think about leaving.
I wish you all the best.

His behaviour towards you is the same as it has always been. It's just that for once you had the cheek to stand up to his bullying and now you are being punished.

You poor love. It's not even sort this for the sake of your five girls it's do it for you as you are worth it.

He's abusive and controlling in so many ways. You can't waste your life living like this. I suspect you'll soon not need the antidepressants once you are away from him.

If you want to be away from him people on here will help you make it happen. Many will have suffered abuse and controlling behaviour like this and probably most thought they couldn't manage without the man. Sadly they wasted time as they were wrong and I bet all would say they are better off in every way without him. I know of one lady who got away from her husband with help of posters on here and initially it seemed impossible.

Did you post previously prior to having the baby? I remember the thread. I'm sorry he's being an arse. It sounds as if he's not really there if he's sleeping in. If that was me I would make sure I woke him. You need to ask yourself if you can live like this? If the answers no leave him. I know it will be hard but in the long run it would be better for you and the kids.

A wise woman on MN once wrote: "Before taking antidepressants, consider the possibility that your problem is not with you, but in someone you live with making you miserable on purpose."*

He knows how babies happen, OP. He knows that having penetrative sex where both partners are fertile (see: the four previous children) can and often does result in pregnancy. He therefore knows deep down that he is responsible for the fifth child, too. He just doesn't want to.

I can't believe you APOLOGISED for being pregnant. You poor love. How would you feel if, in future, one of your girls was got up the duff and then apologised for - what? Being a human female? Having ovaries?

Have a big hug from me.

*or words to that effect

You poor love.

We have 5DC too.
Number 5 was unplanned. I have rubbish pregnancies and we're super busy with kids/life/work so not the best timing.
Right from the minute the pregnancy test showed positive my DH took a deep breath and told me we were a team. He knew and told me that by not using a condom (I had a pill failure) he took a risk that I'd conceive.
We chatted about the options ( I'd had an abortion many years ago so was fine about that being one of the choices) but I felt that I wanted to have the baby. He gave me a cuddle, said he wouldn't have chosen to have another child but these things happen.
From day one he cherished me, picked up the slack with the housework/other kids and got on with it.
THIS is how you should've been treated, not like a fucking pariah. Please take some of the excellent advice up thread and find out what support you'd be able to get on your own. Don't let this man grind you down any further. You're a strong, wonderful mother and woman and you deserve respect and love. 💐

Stardust I wouldn't wake him he would just spoil the whole day being in a mood.

I am at work now and I just feel too upset to do anything he seems fine he's not done or said anything today but I just keep thinking about things.

I did post when I first found out I was pregnant at that point I think he was in he shower crying that he didn't want the baby and saying he didn't know how he felt about me and he might leave.

Classic comments from a man trying to scare you into submission.

Sounds like he enjoys being the only baby in the family

He pestered you for unprotected sex, then failed to withdraw. You getting pregnant is well and truly on his head too. He sounds like a fucking arsehole and you'd be better off away from him.

One of the people we work with is winding dh up I can see him getting more and more annoyed. I just feel like leaving work right now.

Brilliant I seem to be descending into a panic attack .

Sweetheart - get outside, get some fresh air