Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think school trips should be all or nothing?

101 replies

LunaLoveg00d · 06/06/2016 15:43

We are in Scotland, school trips here are not part of the curriculum so there is none of this "donation" thing. You pay, or you don't go.

My son is approaching the final year of Primary school and in September all of the kids in the year have the chance to go on a Monday - Friday residential trip at a rural location around an hour away. In previous years, everyone has gone, bar one or two children who have either just joined the school or who have complex medical needs. We had a meeting with a rep from the centre a week ago and one of the parents looked very concerned throughout. The centre does push them out of their comfort zones to do abseiling, hiking, orienteering and sailing, but it's all very safe, high staff/student ratios etc.

Son comes home today saying child of this concerned parent is not going on trip despite having paid deposit. Parents are very concerned that there will not be any adults sleeping in the dorms with the children (teachers are accommodated in single rooms adjacent to dorms) and do not think it is "safe" for children aged 10 or 11 to be sleeping in groups. They have asked if it would be possible for a parent to drop this child at the centre at 8am and collect at 9pm each night they are away (so 4 hours travelling per day) and the school have said no - it's against the ethos of the trip and they have to take it all, or not at all.

Mother concerned voicing her objections loudly in the playground and a fair few people agreeing that school was unreasonable and she should be able to choose the bits of the trip her son wants to do.

OP posts:
CPtart · 06/06/2016 17:01

How embarrassing. She's doing him no favours at this age at all. The most important thing to teach DC is to learn how to get along without you from an early age. She's in for a shock next year!
DS2 has just come back from his year 6 residential and loved it. So many memories made. However he's been doing Beaver/Cub sleepovers for years and spent 5 days in Scotland with scouts last month.

Obeliskherder · 06/06/2016 17:09

I don't know. My own child has toiletting issues which I hope the school would accommodate, and give us the flex we need so she can go. She shouldn't miss out because of this thing that is not her fault, and I'd think she could still buy into the ethos and get lots out of the trip even if she didn't do the sleepover bit (though I think she will). I can't sit in judgement and say I'd want the flex for DD, but someone else's child should have to do all or miss out.

averythinline · 06/06/2016 17:12

I can see where she's coming from my ds is off to his soon and I'm really worried -I 'd rather he wasnt going but all the others are so he doesn't want to get left out..he's had a crap time at primary has been bullied off and on for years - most of the bullies are going too...he doesn't have many friends and those that are mainly going to a different high school so excluding him a bit as well certainly wouldnt get his back against the bullies....
I also have to bring him back early as the school buggered up the dates...
and even though its 4 hours away have told them and him i will come and get him if he's at all bothered......he's been away with cubs a few times and will be off with scouts so its not that.....the activities he will love - the other kids not so much...

but before you judge she may well have good reasons

liletsthepink · 06/06/2016 17:13

I know someone who is exactly this type of overprotective parent. Her DC were never allowed on overnight school visits unless she went with them. The DC are now adults and are still very dependant on her despite being well into their 20s. I think she has stopped them from leading normal, independant lives.

mirtle · 06/06/2016 17:13

It's a bit of a leap of faith really for all parents I think. I'm more worried about bullying than abseilling or shared dorms.

I'm on the fence with it really. On the one hand it's a shame for the dc to miss out with the memories. On the other it's unfair to the other dc if one gets to see his mum every night and they're not allowed even a phonecall. We actually have a couple of parents going on the trip which I was a bit unsure about. But I guess it will hopefully give the dc the confidence to do it by themselves next time. I'm going with the leap of faith myself. But it's easier if you have a dc who's excited about going rather than one who's refusing to go.

kitchenunit · 06/06/2016 17:14

I can't imagine why NT kids wouldn't be able to stay overnight without family (ie with school or friends) at 10!

Residential trips start at 6 here - now that I think is a bit young but for fucks sake by 10 they should be independent enough to spend a night away.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 06/06/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carryam · 06/06/2016 17:17

I totally understand why the school have said no. It would be disruptive for the other children.
And if the whole class is going, he is really going to miss out. The other kids will be talking about it for months afterwards.

mmgirish · 06/06/2016 17:18

It's a shame that this mum is being so openly critical of the school's decision.

mirtle · 06/06/2016 17:19

Well they should be kitchenunit but some aren't. With the ones I'm aware of, I don't think it's a case of the mums mollycoddling them necessarily it's more that they're reluctant to go because they don't have a group/network of friends. It's all talk of who's sitting next to who, who's sitting on the bus with who and talk of it has gone on for weeks. If you're a bit on the outside of things it's hard to cope with several days of it.

Foofoobum · 06/06/2016 17:21

In year 6 we went away for a week. We were allowed one phone call and parents had to write two letters for us to get at points thro the week. It was the best fun ever. I don't understand why the parents are so freaked out. I can see parents would be more freaked out at the thought of an adult teacher sharing a room with the kids.

Poor kids not getting to participate along with their friends. The midnight feasts and pillow
Fights are part of the fun

Original poster
LunaLoveg00d · 06/06/2016 17:21

I can't imagine why NT kids wouldn't be able to stay overnight without family (ie with school or friends) at 10!

No me either, I have always encouraged mine to stay away as early as possible! They have had time away from us with their granny from the toddler stage and now don't batt an eyelid at staying over anywhere. I do think it's sad that children who are at least 10.5 as we're in Scotland, and many of whom are already 11, get upset at the thought of being away from their Mum for 4 nights.

OP posts:
ATailofTwoKitties · 06/06/2016 17:23

It's rather too easy to mock if you have the sort of middle of the road child who will be slightly nervy but muck in with the rest, and who needs telling kindly that they need to stick it out.

It's very easy to mock if you have one of the bullies who will jeer at Joshua for bedwetting.

It's somewhat easier to sympathise with the mother if you have an anxious, friendless child who only just manages to get to school at the best of times; a bedwetter; a sleepwalker; a bully-magnet; a child with SEN.

Mine, at different times, have been all of the above.

I'm firm with one (on a trip right now, and will possibly be in tears at some point, but actually will be fine. I hope).

I have previously picked another up daily - didn't manage an overnight till year 8.

I've seen a third bullied mercilessly for, yes, bedwetting, at the age of 10 - in fact, the trip, and the opportunity for adult-free night-times, set off the bedwetting.

Maybe she's paranoid and overprotective, but maybe she knows what some of the other year 6 children can be like.

kitchenunit · 06/06/2016 17:23

If for some reason they aren't ready to be away at the age of 10 I would imagine that a y6 residential is the perfect place to start.

It does seem like mollycoddling to me. If I child has problems with a friendship group this should be being managed in school separately to the trip.

DD has been going away since two. I can't understand a 10 year old not wanting to spend some fun time with their friends.

ATailofTwoKitties · 06/06/2016 17:25

Reading that back, you probably think my kids are antisocial bags of nerves.

You're probably right. Some just are!

pottymummy · 06/06/2016 17:27

Actually I was 'that parent' recently. Although circumstances slightly different (it was a Y4 trip and half an hour from home). We requested the drop off/pick up thing and the school agreed. There were two other kids that also did this. Our reasons are our own. You don't know theirs - you only know what your son has told you. It might be a cover up for something else. It might of course just be an overprotective parent who is unable to untie the apron strings. I understand why the school have said no in this instance, but I also understand that mouthy mother might be upset about the lack of compromise.

ATailofTwoKitties · 06/06/2016 17:30

I'm sure no child would object to having 'fun time with friends'. The problem is more when the child has unreliable friends, or no friends, or fair-weather friends, and the whole thing is very far from fun.

Surely you can see that that sometimes happens?

Imagine yourself suddenly condemned to spend a night or two sharing a room with, ooh, your mother in law, the boy who used to twang your bra strap at school, Nigel Farage, and a small and grumpy grizzly bear.

Original poster
LunaLoveg00d · 06/06/2016 17:37

There are approximately 60 kids going on this trip though, it's a big year group. Out of the 30 boys there must be some who aren't nasty bullies - if this is even the problem the mother has.

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 06/06/2016 17:37

My son had lots of confidence issues due to bullying in primary (thankfully the bullies had left by time he was p7) but still went to his residential week and he had a ball.

Teachers knew to look out for him getting over stimulated or anxious but he was fine. He was reasured he didnt have to participate in anything he didnt want to and I was on tenter hooks in case I got a phone call saying he had had a meltdown because he couldnt do something and was being made fun of, but it never came. He joined in everything and has lots of photos and met kids from other schools who would be going to high school with him.

I was really anxious about it but never let on to him and was really positive about going, they have an absolute ball whats not to like?

Apart from the safeguarding issues, what 11/12yr olds want their teacher to sleep in the same room as them??? How the heck could they have midnight feasts with them there? Isnt that the whole point of going? Wink

kitchenunit · 06/06/2016 17:40

ATail I'd have been into school miles before the trip complaining about bullying and making sure it was sorted.

Madamsecretary · 06/06/2016 17:43

OP you are not at all unreasonable! This mum sounds ridiculous and the sort of person who makes schools regret organising trips at all. Feel sorry for her son.

ATailofTwoKitties · 06/06/2016 17:47

Of course. In an ideal world, that's exactly what we'd all do.

In this case, there were tensions between them (tiny school, five or maybe six boys on the trip) but nothing very obvious until they were all beyond parental control for those few days.

prh47bridge · 06/06/2016 17:51

Parents are very concerned that there will not be any adults sleeping in the dorms with the children

Having adults sleeping in the dorms with the children would be a huge safeguarding issue. They should be keeping an eye on the dorms, making sure the children get enough sleep and stamping out any bad behaviour. But sleeping in the dorms? Definitely not.

Agree with others that this mother is being very unreasonable.

kitchenunit · 06/06/2016 17:55

What does the mother think is going to happen in the dorms exactly? It sounds like a nebulous anxiety rather than a specific concern.

If the concern is simply boys winding each other up and getting no sleep then I would say that's part and parcel of the fun of the trip?

RosieSW · 06/06/2016 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.