AIBU - daughter interrailing

[Alwayschanging1]

My DD18 is interrailing this summer with a friend for a couple of weeks.

I am really worried about her doing sleeper trains when she is travelling; I have heard so many bad stories about women being robbed, groped, drugged, hassled etc. so I want her to travel during the day. I have already paid for flights for her and her friend so that they can avoid doing this on one leg of her journey but she is still insisting that they do it on another long leg of the journey.
I am also unhappy about this as it involves changing trains between 3 - 4 am which means hanging around on a station for an hour in the middle of the night - something I have done myself; it was literally terrifying because of the kind of people who hang out at station at that time.
Don't know whether to let it her do the sleeper train or carry on with the argument.
Am I a control freak or am I being reasonable?

Marking place...my dd is doing the same. YANBU, OP, to worry but I think that worry has to be suppressed.

Thanks for the tips on this thread so far.

I did it, got to see all of italy, (art student heaven). very fond memories.
Taking the train at night was indeed to save money on hotels & camping, but on some we couldn't even sit & had to stand up all night, (with a bunch of gorgeous italian boys !) yes toilets are revolting & no paper as PP said. take your own food, as restaurant cars close at night.
They will have the trip of a life time.

I've also done sleeper trains with the children (Paris to Florence, Krakow to Bratislava etc), and while it has not been the most restful experience, I have never felt unsafe.

She is 18. YANBU to worry privately but YABVVU to use the phrase "let her" concerning an 18 year old's plans outside your own home, still more so to think it is up to you to -"let" your 18 year old take certain trains.

There are lots of parenting decisions I consciously make differently to my own parents, but the most sensible thing my mother said when I set off for 11 months on my own in SE Asia a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday was that she knew they had to let me go with their blessing, because if they didn't they knew I would still go but might not bother keeping in touch or coming back...

I sincerely hope my DD will go off and see the world in a few years time, and that, although I will have all the irrational and some rational worries that come with being her mother, I will keep them to myself and wish her a fantastic time. (I will go as far as to recommend the women's carriages if she travels through India though...)

You've just got to let go, I know easier said than done.
When I went Interrailing my parents had no idea of my trip plans, so I think you've done well to get as much info as you have, although I paid for the trip myself, I was 21. My son shares very little with me either, he's 17.

Thanks exexpat that sounds great. My two are 8 and 6 and I'm trying to figure out our 2 week hol in Aug. Might suggest interrailing to DH...

YANBU to be worried, but YABU to stop her, or even argue about it at length. Just make sure she's aware of potential issues; it's easy to let your guard down a bit when you're travelling and take risks that you wouldn't at home, feeling like you're got some weird protective 'but I'm a tourist!' forcefield around you.

I travelled around Europe when I was 19, mostly by bus (which is considerably grimmer than train, especially the stations) and the one thing I'd wish for my DD, if she does the same, is that she's not conditioned to be so bloody polite. More specifically: polite about men approaching me, chatting me up, invading my space. This did happen quite a lot, especially on overnight buses and at rest-stops. I was so embarrassed about telling them to go away (they're just being friendly! and maybe this is some cultural misunderstanding) and then mortified when they became pushy (it's my fault, I've given them the wrong idea; I don't want to make a scene).

So do please encourage your daughter to always trust her instincts, to project certainty (even when she doesn't feel it), to have no compunction about firmly rejecting friendly offers she doesn't want, and walking away from people who make her feel uncomfortable.

Be glad she's planning on taking a sleeper train and not doing what I did at 18 whilst interrailing (when we found ourselves in Pisa in the middle of the night) and sleeping rough on the ground in the station!

I'm a terrible worrier so I understand, but sleeping on trains while interrailing is fun, and generally very safe. She's with a friend. If it's in a compartment that sleeps several people, there are far far more likely to be nice people there who would help in the event of any danger/attack.

Plus I agree she's 18 so she can decide.

I did it and I've also spent the night on European stations. I met some lovely people and had great chats - again if the station is full of people most of them will be nice, it's safer than being down a dark alley on your own.

I think by 'whether to let her' OP just means 'whether to get off her case'. I do think she realises that her DD is an adult and ultimately doesn't need permission.

There are threads running on MN as we speak on which whole crowds of MNers discuss their (considerable) involvement in the studies of their university student offspring, so OP probably doesn't deserve too hard a time.

I'm incredibly relaxed, I think, but I'd mother-hen a bit around inter-railing arrangements.

OP, butt out and clam down. Your daughter, assuming you haven't kept her in a shoebox full of cotton wool for eighteen years, is presumably well capable of taking elementary safety precautions for this kind of safe, first world travel. The whole point of interrailing, as another poster said, is that you sleep on trains to avoid the cost of accommodation, and so as not to waste travel time during daylight hours when you could be exploring. Flying, especially with the time it will now take to get to an airport, check in bags, go through security etc, is a waste of travel time.

You'd have died in a panic if you were my mother in 1993 - not only did I go interrailing in the days before mobile phones/email/FB (I think I managed to phone home once in a month), but as we had virtually no money (poor, and even the ticket and ferry to France cost virtually everything I had saved), we slept rough or on a train or on the floor of a complete stranger every night, and in order to eat, we busked very badly. It was completely wonderful, though we were starving and filthy at times.

My daughter is 18 and also going interailing this summer, she and her friends are sensible, and I trust them to be aware of their safety, but she has also slept out in London over the last few years for premiers and other events, and I know she appreciated the trust I put in her, it didn't stop me worrying and keeping in regular phone contact with her, but she has done such fun stuff with friends, ( many of whom she met on the internet), you can just advise her, but don't take the fun out of this experience for her, these are memories she will cherish when she is older.

Crossing from Italy to Greece on the ferry, they made the backpackers sleep on the deck of the ship, we weren't allowed indoors, I was now I laugh was worth it though, woke up to one of the best views ever, at dawn, the sunrise and Greece, fantastic.

I hitchhiked from Aberdeen to Athens when I was 17 - still freaked a bit when the DDs went Interrailing - together - at 22 and 20. DD2 hated the noise in the hostels and came back early, DD1 did the full month and met lots of lovely people.

Great way to see Europe.

YANBU to worry about her forthcoming trip but don't let her know that you are and don't spoil it for her by overly fussing and laying on the guilt. In an ideal world I would wrap my two adult children in cotton wool and never let them out of my sight. However, I can't. I take a deep breath, ask them about their exciting (global) adventures and let them get on with it and wait for them to call/contact me on their travels. Whatever you do .... do not ring/text her every day to find out how she is.

Just5minswithDacre I know - I can't believe how over involved parents of adults have become in their grown up children's lives and can't look at those threads because I'd want to post something not in the spirit of the thread... it seems so cringe worthy and infantalising to somebody who was at uni in the early 90s.

Apparently it has all changed because parents are paying uni fees now and want to know they are getting their moneys worth or something - except that as I understood it fees are not normally paid up front as students themselves are meant to pay their own fees later, once they are earning over a certain amount, so I doubt that the majority of the over invested parents are actually shelling out for fees at all).

YANBU to worry but really, you have to let her get on with it. Buy her a rape alarm, tell her to be sensible and not flash her valuables about and send her off on an adventure. Hanging around a train station in the night isn't ideal but using the night trains will teach her and her friend to have each other's backs and to be mindful of their own safety.

Stoplooking so you're suggesting it's legitimate for the OP to use her greater financial power to control her adult DD's activities - basically it's my way or no way? That's a fast-track to rebellion if ever I saw it.

I have a friend like the OP. She told me how much she was looking forward to crashing accompanying her 18 yr old student DD and her friends to Glastonbury. She thought they should have a responsible adult around for their first festival as you never know what might happen. Can't be too careful. well actually, yes you can be too careful.

YANBU to be worried of course your not.But because of her age I think all you can really do is try and help her make sure your DD and her friend are as safe as possible OP.

can't look at those threads because I'd want to post something not in the spirit of the thread... it seems so cringe worthy and infantalising to somebody who was at uni in the early 90s.

I know schwab. Gawp and click away, eh??

I don't understand the 'pay to interfere' justification at all.

she is an adult and all those things you are worried about could happen at home or during the day just as easily.

The sleeper trains are the best bit of interrailing! You can pay a bit extra so you have a carriage to yourselves, or many of them have women only carriages. And there are guards.

It's perfectly normal to worry of course and certainly to warn her of the risks, but I'd have thought this would be a great experience in learning to be independent in a relatively controlled way. She will be with a friend and in Europe (it isn't as if she's going to any warzones, I assume.), and she'll be able to keep in touch with you provided she takes her phone and looks after it. I think it would be worth getting her a rape alarm, and probably one of those money pouch things , but don't necessarily expect that she'll use it.

If it's any reassurance, I went inter-railing with 3 friends (all girls), when I was 17 and we had a fantastic time. There were absolutely no disasters, but I did learn some good lessons pretty quickly like trusting my instincts, not staying in the cheapest hostel I can find, right next to the station in the dodgy part of town etc etc. It was great and set me up with a real sense of confidence in my own capabilities and definitely gave me a travel bug which I'm yet to lose.

She'll have a great time, and you'll worry constantly, but it will almost certainly be fine.

I've done the night trains in Europe too, qute a lot actually.
You can take a bed in the train instead of a seat. They won't have any issue at all there (and will get some sleep!).

I personally have had no issue at all but I know some friends who did. It was in France at a time when young men still doing their military service. They were guys going back to Camp late in the day, knopwing each other and not very happy to have to go back after the weekend.
They were well know trains (days and hours were very specific).
Apart form that, never had any issue or heard anyone having some.
Seen that the military service doesn't exist anymore (it shows my age too), you are getting worried with little reason at all.

I'm wondering who told you about the groping, hassled, robbed women in night trains.