To not accept dds apology

[sockrage]

Who has picked up and thrown a heavy book at me in temper and hit me in the breasts with it because she couldn't find something and that apparently was my fault.

Instead of being apologetic she raved on that it doesn't hurt if your hit in the breasts and I want a perfect child because I expect her not to hurt me.

Shes just come in 40 minutes later to apologise and expects everything to immediately go back to normal.

If she had apologised straight away fair enough but she didn't

I'm with lady ^^ there would be no telly and it would be a get out of my sight for the rest of the evening

My mother would have pasted me all over the house if I pulled a stunt like that.

I would make it very clear that if she had been doing that to someione in the street, a friend etc... she could end up at the Police station for assault.

Yes what giraffe said is the sort of things I say to my dcs.
But I can also be much more stern than that and very clear about the seriousness of what she did which is NOT acceptable in any shape or form or for whatever reason.
Since when being hormonal and having PMT is a safe acrd for assaulting people?

Yes I would accept her apology, but there has to be consequence, you do need to come down hard on her.

For example, no TV after school for a couple of weeks, grounding.

Was it her book? Take it off her and don't give it back.

Had it been a genuine, heart felt apology I'd have accepted it. I'd have told her that when I say it hurts, it hurts & I don't want to hear any more of her minimising or excuses for any behaviour I tell her is unacceptable.

HOWEVER in this instance an 'I'm apologising so I can watch soccer aid' would have pushed me right over the edge, I'd have taken her phone, laptop/kindle/iPad/whatever off of her & told her to get out of my sight and stay out of my sight and not to add insult to injury by treating me as if I was stupid.

I don't do grounding, though there are consequences of their actions. The reason being that I want their home to be somewhere that they want to be rather than being forced to be.

When I mean grounding, no shopping trips, no cinema, bowling, that is serious, if she were to do that to somebody outside, the Police could get involved.

It was my book.
She is not watching tv
Apparently she has said sorry so 'what more do i want'...

She has lost her xbox
I told her sorry was just words and her actions were not showing she gave a damn

I've never said this before, and I will probably get flamed, but I wonder if the responses would have been different if this had been a 13yr old boy?

She is not a little girl. I am more shocked at her trying to defend her behaviour instead of being shocked at what she has done. You really need to come down hard on her, OP. There has been enough poor parents on here looking for help because they have an abusive child. I'm not including children with SN, bty.

'what more do i want'

She needs to be sorry

She needs to learn that if she hurts you then you are not going to like her very much even if she does say 'sorry'.

I am a complete hardass when it come to violence. I'm sure you already know her 'currency'; tv, x-box, phone etc. Remove one of them entirely for a specified amount of time. Violence should not be tolerated at home. If you're not satisfied with her apology or continuing behaviour remove something else of value to her and increase the amount of time she will now be without both things. And so on. I've gone as far as to remove bedroom doors before as privacy is a privilege and stuff like violence and property damage obviously mean that she must be observable. That usually gets the desired contrition 😊

Oh yeah, wi-fi password! Brutal.

Well it sounds as if she hasn't apologised so there's nothing to accept!

What the hell else must be going on for such a reaction?

YANBU.

Kids need to learn that adults can be upset too and that a simple 'sorry' doesn't always cut it. I think something along the lines of 'I will accept your apology but I'm not ready to do that just yet as I am still too upset by what you did'. No sulking or stonewalling, just a statement of fact.

I would never have dared or wanted to, even in the middle of a teen-age hormonal strop to do this to my mother. My DC or DFC (foster children) have never done this to me. My DFC often haven't even had the luxury of having been taught this before meeting me/my family, and have only come from a place of violence.

I utterly loathe people who use violence .

I recommend that you a) Talk to your daughter. You are the parent. You only get treated how you allow yourself to be treated ( SEN aside, obviously) She needs to know in no uncertain terms how unacceptable that behaviour was. She needs to offer a solution, not an empty apology. My DFC have often shocked me with their insight.

b) after addressing this, you also need to talk with your daughter - there is usually a reason for such a reaction ( it sounds like your daughter is immature - newborns react... toddlers react ...your DD will struggle socially i.e. {sadly} be ostracised, or be a laughing stock or fall in with the "wrong" crowd (who will value /respect violence) unless she learns self discipline and some socially acceptable expressions of her frustration) You do need to take some responsibility for not teaching this. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.

Good luck

She's 13. Quite young and at a difficult and 'crossroads' stage in her life. She came and apologised. That should be your cue to hug her and say you were well out of order, never, ever, do that again. Let's be friends again.

Well somehow I can remember being 13. It's a shit stage to go through. I'm not condoning violence. But I was angry a lot at 13 as I wasn't a child but I wasn't an adult. Tough times. I remember my sister telling me she had to treat her 13 year old like a 3 year old as they seem to regress.
I wouldn't have thrown a book at my Mum. Although once I made my Mum so angry she threw a whole box of my Just Seventeens all over my room!
She said sorry. I didn't except.

If any of my child/children did that I would have gone ballistic, a short sharp smack and yell at them reminding them who you are, (mother not friend) they don't ever do it again, especially if they haven't seen you go crazy before, it frightens the life out of them, then carry on as normal.

You need this and this book

Sympathies.
And well done for not accepting a half-arsed pseudo-apology.
Understanding what goes on in a teenaged brain does make it easier to not take these kind of violent outbursts too personal, hurtful as they are, both physically and emotionally. I hope you are ok.

Apparently the rewiring that goes on in the teenage years is more complex and further reaching than in the first year of a baby's life.
Understanding all that is in no shape or form a 'get out of jail free card', but it does help me with my lot.

Appropriate consequences, consistency and a united parental front - she will come out the other side. In the meantime notagiraffe's words are very appropriate.

PS.
Love your way of thinking Gladisgood. ;))

GDarling, way to go, just teach them violence is unacceptable by being violent towards them. Surely that is teaching them that double standards are acceptable. I thought we'd become more sophisticated with our children rather than using a "Do as I say, not as I do" approach. If she were mine, she'd get one chance with it being pointed out that it is assault which is completely unacceptable. She would be quite sure what the consequences of doing it again would be and she would be told in no uncertain terms that I would be doing it for her own good. My children were raised with a "no contact" rule when it came to fights so fortunately that stuck with them as they became hormonal, moody little buggers

I'd go for a combination of MrsTerryPratchett's and NotaGiraffe's advice.

Getting the to set their own consequence can be extremely effective. They are usually tougher on themselves than you would be and it ensures they really take on board what wasn't OK about what they did.

And her her to talk through how she is going to deal with frustration in the future.

Poor you. That is horrible.