To not accept dds apology

[sockrage]

Who has picked up and thrown a heavy book at me in temper and hit me in the breasts with it because she couldn't find something and that apparently was my fault.

Instead of being apologetic she raved on that it doesn't hurt if your hit in the breasts and I want a perfect child because I expect her not to hurt me.

Shes just come in 40 minutes later to apologise and expects everything to immediately go back to normal.

If she had apologised straight away fair enough but she didn't

Btw, I don't think that an apology should always be enough and that it means the victim HAS To accept it and forgive.
Even when it's a heartfelt apology, some stuff aren't acceptable. And this behaviour isn't.

If it had been the OP's DH and not her dd, people would be screaming domestic abuse, and rightly so.
That sort of behaviour, IMO, cannot be brushed away with an apology. It was a very serious event!

Yes, you need to accept it, but that doesn't mean you can't be angry.

She needs consequences for what she did.

Is she not having periods yet, if she doesn't think breasts can be tender ?

You have to accept her apology - to do otherwise is immature & ungracious.

Agree there has to be some consequence to her actions - depriving her of something for a few days for example

I think if een feally hurt (I would be) you have to show her that this is not acceptable behaviour.
If you don't how do you avoid any similar incidents in the future?
Respect yourself so you teach her to respect herself and the other people.

I think you can accept the apology without it meaning everything's back to normal. It is good that she has calmed down and apologise, but she needs to understand that her actions have consequences, and one big consequence of her actions is that you are hurt and upset - AND YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO THESE FEELINGS!! And that you can't just 'get over' being upset that easily.

I would have a talk with her and explain that, whilst you accept the apology, she needs to accept that her actions were hurtful, both physically and emotionally, and that if you say she caused you physical pain, she DID cause you pain.

As other posters said, there has to be some sort of consequence for her action.

Furry - I didn't get mine until 14...

Well you have to accept her apology really but you need to make it clear that in some situations an apology isn't enough and she needs to make amends Then give her a list of extra chores to be completed over the next few days in the time when she would ordinarily be on the ipad /phone/out with friends.

Knight - I was assuming she was having a premenstrual rant

as it happens menarche is getting earlier & earlier

Happy exactly that. In a word the apology coincided with the intro coming on to the Soccer Aid thing on tv which I know she wanted to watch.

There was no sincerity in it.
No periods and no sign really.

Accept her apology and explain that you are still very hurt and cross

Accept the apology. If you don't, then you are communicating that apologising for bad behaviour is pointless - and that would be a backward step.

Think I'd read them my human rights act though. Along the lines;

'Thank you for apologising. Are you genuinely sorry? You hurt me. I have the right to feel safe in my own house. We all do. It's not expecting perfection to expect you not to hurt me. I don't hurt you.' (Assuming you don't of course!)
'How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of this kind of anger?' (Then mimic how she was, raging at you and mime flinging a book.) 'It's shocking isn't it? It's ugly and horrible. I didn't deserve it. I had every right to be deeply disturbed and upset.
Is it fair to attack me because you can't find something?' (Wait and repeat until she answers) 'What would be an fair reaction to you not being able to find something?' (Wait for an answer. Go nowhere till you get one. Discuss her suggestions and support the ones that are fair.)

If she gets defensive and says: I apologised, say: I know. Thank you. I accept your apology. But that doesn't mean I don't need to discuss this with you because it's serious and it can't happen again. I forgive you. But you must never hurt me again. It's my job to teach you how wrong it is to be violent to others. If you ever hit me again I will call the police. Don't test me on this. I mean it.
Now, how would you like to show you mean your apology? Are you going to come and help me clean the kitchen/fold the laundry/make the beds?'

Then while you're doing the job, be really nice, put on good music, have a soft drink together afterwards.

That's the sort of thing I've done on the rare occasions Dc have been way out of line. (Though I must confess the one time DS1 really genuinely hurt my feelings it took me months to forgive him although I tried for ages beforehand, and I think he knew how hard I found it too. He was mortified.)

and that he can stay in her room for next few days

no periods - the moodiness might be the sign!

An apology isn't enough. We have a very simple mantra which is you say sorry but you also do something to make it better.
Saying sorry so you she can watch SoccerAid isn't on.

I think the fact that she DID come to apologise, unpromted, says a lot.

I dont' want to prech 'it's just her age' or hormones or whatever, but 13 is a complicated time and I honestly think accepting the apology and having a proper talk about what's going on in her life right now will help both of you in future.

Yes saying sorry to be able to watch whatver isn't an apology whatso ever. It's a way to placate people.

What have you told her so far sock?

An apology needs to be more than just the word, "sorry" - anyone can say a word.

To all the people who say 'well she apologizes of her back, that's enough', can you tell me how you make the difference between a real apology and something you say just to be able to get your own way?
Is an unsincere apology always enough?

In my house, I much prefer someone who shows by their actions they are sorry than sorry who mutters the rigt words wo believing a word of it, which is most of the time tbh.

Definitely accept but you need to scare her into realising the consequences of violent behaviour. I'd punish and explain that although you admire her for apologising to you without being prompted, she cannot decide to behave like than and then expect to be treated as if she just had a little strop at you.

I'd be restricting where she went and taking her devices off her. She's old enough to have self control and I bet she does in other situations, she's choosing to use violence to dominate you.

Is she now watching the Soccer Aid thing or did you send her away? notagiraffe has suggested a good speech, though I'd be inclined to let her deal with the task/consequence herself.

Something MiL said at one time or another to each of her DSs including my DH:

I Love you but right now I really dont like you

At 13 your DD is plenty old enough to learn that sometimes sorry isnt enough. She has to go through a period of not being liked.

Ask your DD if an insincere apology would cut it with her friends in the same circumstances.

Wow there are some feeble ass parents on this thread. Hormones? Learning the power of forgiveness? At least she apologised without being told? Fuck me what will become of this generation as adults if this is the parenting they are getting?
Yes you have to accept the apology but that doesn't mean you have to forget it or even forgive actually. Behaviour like this needs serious reparation and consequences.

I think notagiraffe's words are absolutely spot on.

I'd accept the apology plus make her aware of the consequences for assaulting me. In my house that's 2 weeks grounding with no phones.

There has to be a consequence for physically hurting someone.

You could ask her, if she was the parent, what punishment she would impose?
May give you an idea of what would be effective at making her think twice in future.