Mil is really annoying me!

[Messymumof4]

It's my OH nans 90th birthday next week, Mil and her sister have arranged a surprise birthday meal for her with all the family at a local restaurant. It's a very large family with 5 siblings and loads of grandchildren/great grandchildren. Originally it was booked for 5.30 which was great for us as DSs are 12 and 10 DDs are 2 1/2 and 18 months.
It has now been changed to 7pm to fit in with her sisters daughter who is a teacher and didn't want to rush after work! Wtf??
This isn't the first time we have been unable to go to a family meal as she always books them really late usually after 8pm.
I have refused to take the youngest 2 as it's far too late for them they are in bed asleep by 7 so to only just be arriving for a meal is just ridiculous they will be a nightmare! MIL has now told my OH not to bother bringing the boys ( my children from a previous relationship) and to come on his own as obviously I can't be bothered to put his nan first and she only cares about the extended family meeting the girls! Cheeky bitch has also messaged asking me to print off a load of recent pictures of the girls so she can show them off to her family. I lost it a bit and told OH no way was I doing that! She wants to make out she sees the kids all the time when in reality even though she lives 20 yards away she only calls in once every 6 weeks or so and never ever invites us to their house except for Boxing Day. Too busy shopping and seeing her other granddaughter every week! If she actually bothered to see them then she would have pictures of her own to show off!
My OH says i am being a bitch but am I?

Yabu. It's a special occasion. Your children can be awake for one night. Take a pushchair for unexpected sleep if needed

She is being a bitchy but do it for the nan. Take all the kids though.

Is the meal near to you, could you not maybe take them out for a quick hello, and then go home and put them to bed for 7.30 as a compromise?

Sorry but yabu. I teach and would struggle to get anywhere by 5:30. Put the children in their pjs and take a pushchair for when they fall asleep. It is one night.

I can understand why it would annoy you but the party can't evolve around you and your children. It's a special occasion so I think YABU.

Although I probably would be stubborn and not go if it was clear the other children (step) were unwelcome. That sounds awful!

YABU I have an 11 month old whos usually asleep by 7 but for special occasions like this I keep her up - I try and give her longer naps so she'll stay awake longer and plan a lazy/unfilled day the day after.

How fun will that be for everyone though screaming baby all through meal as she only sleeps in her cot! It's unfair for other dinners and very unfair on a child who is tired and only wants to sleep!

I'm a teacher and would struggle to get there for 5.30. But not would I take my youngest to a 7pm meal.

YABU, sorry.

You moan that they are doing a later dinner to accommodate those working but want everyone else to do a earlier dinner to accommodate your family. Its a special birthday, surely a later bedtime in a blue moon won't harm your children. You could even take their pjs and put them down in the buggy if they were tired.

It really doesn't have to be a big deal, not everyone stays in every night for their child's bedtime.

I would go but leave after the main course. it's not midnight but I think she is horrible. I would be the better person here (well I would struggle)

Do it on this occasion, you have to think about others (your DH, his nan) not just yourself. I would make a point of taking your sons - they are now part of this family and its important for them to be there and spend time with your DH's family whether MIL likes it or not.

But inside I would be mightily pissed off!

Ooo I'm going to disagree with PP and say YANBU. It's all very well to say it's only one night and bring a pushchair for sleeping in. Even without the likely space issue with such a big party of people I don't know that many kids of that age would just fall asleep while out without fighting it and plenty of over tired screaming. That's not fun for anyone, but would probably just be up to OP to deal with. If there are lots of kids going as OP suggests I think it is much more logical to arrange things to suit them. Adults are much more able to adapt - I'm sure teacher will manage for one day, or just arrive a little later. I'm surprised the problem isn't that several adults would struggle to get there as most people work til 5-6pm anyway. That could be a different story.

I didn't make myself clear there are 47 people going to this meal, everyone else has booked time off and while I appreciate the teacher can't do that she lives and works literally 10 mins away from the restaurant. OH is the one who insists its too late for the girls and I do agree. He thinks I'm being unreasonable about the photos!

Well there is your compromise

You don't go but you allow photos (you a being very unreasonable not to allow your dh to take photos of his own children with him)

I think yabu about the meal, it is one night and the reason seems perfectly valid as its due to work- that in itself is reasonable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the photos though. That sounds like my MIL! And if she said she only cares about the family meeting your daughters and not your sons that's nasty!

I actually wouldn't go anywhere with a woman who made such a distinction between her biological grandchildren and my other children, I think it's disgraceful. Initially you were probably BU but in light of her comments I think YWNBU to not go at all.

With the photos - tell DH to sort it out himself. I wouldn't be inclined to bother if I were you!

But why would you not let her have some photos, if you don't want to print them can't you email them, surely it would be nice for the 90 year old to look at baby photos. So mil gets to show some pictures why does that bother you so much? It's a few photos, i get she doesn't visit (nor does mine) she loses out, not me, if she wants photos she can have some, it's really no big deal

Bloody shocking that she told you not to bring your boys!!!

But if the pics are for his nan then I would do them - post them to her

Tbf if mil asked for photos, I'd point dh on the direction of boots. But it wouldn't stop him

Yabu. 7pm very normal time for dinner, it's a special occasion, keep them up. Who goes for dinner at half 5?!

Message her back saying she can source her own photos or DH will. Not your job when she's happy to exclude your 2 DS. She sounds a right charmer.

We see nan regularly it's distant relatives like cousins and such she wants to show, lots of people are coming from other parts of the country maybe I am just being unreasonable about the pictures! Should make sure I only print off pictures of all 4 together though lol

Post the pics to the nan directly with a nice birthday card. Fgs - meal of 47 - who's going to notice two toddlers more or less whereas for you it won't be at all enjoyable (I don't actually think it'll be much fun for the 90 year old really).