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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil is really annoying me!

62 replies

Messymumof4 · 05/06/2016 16:41

It's my OH nans 90th birthday next week, Mil and her sister have arranged a surprise birthday meal for her with all the family at a local restaurant. It's a very large family with 5 siblings and loads of grandchildren/great grandchildren. Originally it was booked for 5.30 which was great for us as DSs are 12 and 10 DDs are 2 1/2 and 18 months.
It has now been changed to 7pm to fit in with her sisters daughter who is a teacher and didn't want to rush after work! Wtf??
This isn't the first time we have been unable to go to a family meal as she always books them really late usually after 8pm.
I have refused to take the youngest 2 as it's far too late for them they are in bed asleep by 7 so to only just be arriving for a meal is just ridiculous they will be a nightmare! MIL has now told my OH not to bother bringing the boys ( my children from a previous relationship) and to come on his own as obviously I can't be bothered to put his nan first and she only cares about the extended family meeting the girls! Cheeky bitch has also messaged asking me to print off a load of recent pictures of the girls so she can show them off to her family. I lost it a bit and told OH no way was I doing that! She wants to make out she sees the kids all the time when in reality even though she lives 20 yards away she only calls in once every 6 weeks or so and never ever invites us to their house except for Boxing Day. Too busy shopping and seeing her other granddaughter every week! If she actually bothered to see them then she would have pictures of her own to show off!
My OH says i am being a bitch but am I?

OP posts:
LizKeen · 05/06/2016 17:10

I think YANBU. Though I understand all the answers above.

We miss a lot of family occasions because they tend to start at 7 and the food is never served promptly. One time we were childfree and went and didn't eat until 10.30pm.

For a long time we were the only ones who had kids, but now there are loads of kids, and now and again there will be one that is earlier, so we make the effort to go to those. But there are still a lot of family who don't seem to get it. My 3 year old takes herself to bed at 7pm if we haven't already started bedtimes. She would be a misery any later.

My oldest was always fine with a late night, but the 3 year old...no way!

Your MILs attitude would annoy me too. Its all about saving face in front of the wider family. But if she can't put the effort in day to day then really its not up to you to keep up appearances. And the fact she said that about your older boys is disgusting.

leelu66 · 05/06/2016 17:11

Why should you send pictures of your DDs when your MIL is excluding your DSs?

Your DSs are in her family too, if she isn't bothered about them, then She doesn't get to bother about your DDs imo.

So, YANBU.

RosieandJim89 · 05/06/2016 17:12

I am going to go against the grain and say YANBU.
A table for 50 people will take forever! If they went at 5.30, they would still be eating 8/9pm if they have 3 courses. I would not be happy starting at 7pm and finishing at 10pm.
And whoever said the world does not revolve around op and her children- the time was changed for one person! Is it okay that the world revolves around a women who even if she had arrived 30 mins late probably wouldnt have even missed ordering?!

Onlyicanclean10 · 05/06/2016 17:15

Get a babysitter!

Laiste · 05/06/2016 17:18

I wouldn't take my 2 year old out at that time. She'd be miserable and upset.

As for the rest of it - what a can of worms! Don't bother bringing the boys!? What a cow.

jacks11 · 05/06/2016 17:23

I think a fair few posters have missed this little nugget

MIL has now told my OH not to bother bringing the boys ( my children from a previous relationship) and to come on his own as obviously I can't be bothered to put his nan first and she only cares about the extended family meeting the girls!

On that basis alone I think YANBU! If MIL (and extended family) cannot treat all 4 children equally then I would be giving a wide berth, frankly. I'd not be giving her photo's to show off. I would send them to DH's nan directly for her to enjoy if you think she'd like that. I would also be having a conversation with MIL about her attitude to the older children. It's really unkind to do that to children.

I also think OP is NBU re the meal. It's fair enough that they have decided to organise it around another person which means it does not suit OP and her family. However, having tired, grumpy and fractious little ones at a big meal is going to be miserable for everyone - including any diners not part of this party (if there will be any- not clear from OP if they have hired the whole venue). PPs saying "take a buggy and make them sleep in that" seem to have forgotten that not child will happy drop off to sleep in the buggy in a new (and possibly noisy) place. My DD would have but a good friend's youngest would absolutely not, it would take a while of fractious crying (and possibly a screaming match) before he would settle down! Sure, it may only be for one night, but really why put yourself and everyone else through that if you don't have to?

PterodactylToenails · 05/06/2016 17:26

I think YABU. I have small kids and what with work etc we would struggle to get somewhere for 5.30 a 7pm would suit me as a one off family gathering. Live a little!

Hodooooooooor · 05/06/2016 17:29

YABU. Expecting 50 people to eat dinner at the ridiculous hour of 5.30 just because you have a rigid routine is insane.

It's not like you could stay for the whole meal anyway even if it started a stupid o'clock, since you have to have your kids in bed by 7.
So yes, completely unreasonable.

bakeoffcake · 05/06/2016 17:31

I wouldn't take my babies to meal with 50 people to eat. That's the making of a nightmare!

I would send photos though but as you suggested OP make sure they are of all 4 of your children.

Mil telling you not to being your boys is horrible. Is she usually a cow?

ElaineVintage · 05/06/2016 17:35

[I actually wouldn't go anywhere with a woman who made such a distinction between her biological grandchildren and my other children, I think it's disgraceful. Initially you were probably BU but in light of her comments I think YWNBU to not go at all.]

100% agree with this ^

PinkyOfPie · 05/06/2016 17:35

I'm gonna go against the grain and say YANBU.

If the girls bedtime is usually 7pm it's likely they'll fall asleep on the way to the restaurant. Which means 2 very grumpy toddlers, which no one will want, and your MIL sounds like she will want to show them off (whilst excluding your boys). Not to mention they will probably be up until God knows what time after the meal (can you tell I've been in your situation before).

I think it's terrible that she excludes your boys, I know this is about nan but tell DH to go on his own and maybe take her out separately at a time that's more convenient for you

Penfold007 · 05/06/2016 17:36

Did your MIL actually say she was only interested in introducing the girls? How does your H feel about his stepchildren being treated so badly?

AyeAmarok · 05/06/2016 17:36

YABU about the time of the dinner. 7pm is a perfectly reasonable dinner time for 50 people.

Hodooooooooor · 05/06/2016 17:40

I actually wouldn't go anywhere with a woman who made such a distinction between her biological grandchildren and my other children, I think it's disgraceful

I know its an MN standard but in real life its not ubiquitous that everyone treats their family members girlfriends children/step children as full family. They aren't your MIL's grandchildren, they aren't his grans great grandchildren. They have their own relatives.

How you feel about that is up to you, but its quite a new idea that everyone should adopt children into a family and make no distinction of any kind.

coolaschmoola · 05/06/2016 17:40

I teach and couldn't make it anywhere for 5.30 - that's what time I pick my four year old up from her childminder.

You want everyone to suit your children, but why do their needs trump other people's?

You COULD go, but you don't WANT to change your children's routine and that is completely up to you, but remember, it is a CHOICE that you are making.

Don't go, but don't be churlish. Your children are your be all and end all, but they aren't everyone else's sole priority. Nor should they be - it's about DP's Nan, who is also SIL's Nan. Do you think SIL should miss part of the meal so your small and unlikely to remember children can be worked around?

JeffFromTheDailyMail · 05/06/2016 17:41

Can you not go out for lunch with OHs nan and all your children for lunch so she can actually spend quality time with them, she'd probably enjoy that far more plus you couldn't be made to feel guilty afterwards

PinkyOfPie · 05/06/2016 17:42

Also why is your MIL asking you and not her son to print out pictures? I hate that people see the women as the default chore-carrier-outer, as if men are so inept they can't print pictures Hmm

NavyAndWhite · 05/06/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 05/06/2016 17:47

This sounds like a nightmare for the two little ones. So i agree they shouldn't go. Either go as a family or get dh to go with the boys if they want to go or not if they don't. Mil doesn't get to dictate that one. If you want to get a baby sitter to do a united front, the four of you, by all means.

What mil said was cruel. And she is under stress trying to make it perfect for her mother. I know it's not an excuse. I would print the photos tbh and be the bigger person. I'd do a couple individual ones of the little ones and include plenty of full family photos and none of them with her (unless you do a tiny baby one ;)). I wouldn't, however give them to her. I would keep them until the day. Either hand them out if you attend or get your dh to arrive a little late and ensure he hands them out himself. Personally I'd want to attend just for the pleasure of being able to say she doesn't get to see the grandchildren much. Sort of loudly "here's the photos of the children you asked for. Shame we don't get to see you much".

NickiFury · 05/06/2016 17:51

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! It doesn't work for you or your children and that's it really. No need for bad feeling. I wonder who all these children that sleep in buggies are because mine never could and neither could any of my extended family's children.

Groovee · 05/06/2016 17:52

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Dd would have happily changed things but ds would have screamed through a meal at that time under 3.

Though to spite your MIL I would go with the girls and hand them to her when they get unsettled and say "you insisted on them being here, you can deal with them!"

But your DH can print out photos!

Windsofwinter · 05/06/2016 17:54

Hodooooooooor I agree that you can't expect people to behave in a certain way. But OP and her DH are clearly in a long term, committed relationship together. I can't think why any reasonable person would want to make such a blatant (and unkind) distinction.

I grew up as part of such a family. My step father's family excluded DB and I from family events, didn't bring gifts at Christmas but brought spectacular gifts for their biological grandchildren, made a big deal of explaining that we weren't real family when we ever where at the same functions etc. It was very hurtful and I don't believe that nice people behave that way. My DM and SD are still going strong but we've had no contact with the rest of his family for years due to their unpleasant ways.

PinkyOfPie · 05/06/2016 17:55

I kind of have to 'ARF' at people who say hand them to MIL/put them in a buggy/give them breadsticks. Your children must be far more chilled out than mine ever were! Any attempts at this would end in screaming, wanting me or chucking food about everywhere

SisterMoonshine · 05/06/2016 17:55

What are all the other great grandchildren / grandchildren doing?

gamerchick · 05/06/2016 17:58

I wouldn't go and he can sort out the photos. I would expect him to sort out the photos anyway.