Mil is really annoying me!

[Messymumof4]

It's my OH nans 90th birthday next week, Mil and her sister have arranged a surprise birthday meal for her with all the family at a local restaurant. It's a very large family with 5 siblings and loads of grandchildren/great grandchildren. Originally it was booked for 5.30 which was great for us as DSs are 12 and 10 DDs are 2 1/2 and 18 months.
It has now been changed to 7pm to fit in with her sisters daughter who is a teacher and didn't want to rush after work! Wtf??
This isn't the first time we have been unable to go to a family meal as she always books them really late usually after 8pm.
I have refused to take the youngest 2 as it's far too late for them they are in bed asleep by 7 so to only just be arriving for a meal is just ridiculous they will be a nightmare! MIL has now told my OH not to bother bringing the boys ( my children from a previous relationship) and to come on his own as obviously I can't be bothered to put his nan first and she only cares about the extended family meeting the girls! Cheeky bitch has also messaged asking me to print off a load of recent pictures of the girls so she can show them off to her family. I lost it a bit and told OH no way was I doing that! She wants to make out she sees the kids all the time when in reality even though she lives 20 yards away she only calls in once every 6 weeks or so and never ever invites us to their house except for Boxing Day. Too busy shopping and seeing her other granddaughter every week! If she actually bothered to see them then she would have pictures of her own to show off!
My OH says i am being a bitch but am I?

I know its an MN standard but in real life its not ubiquitous that everyone treats their family members girlfriends children/step children as full family. They aren't your MIL's grandchildren, they aren't his grans great grandchildren. They have their own relatives.

How you feel about that is up to you, but its quite a new idea that everyone should adopt children into a family and make no distinction of any kind

But the OP isn't just a girlfriend, she has two children with him. She's his partner. To exclude two children is unfair. I really hope your DP said something to his DM when she made that comment about your sons.

We are a blended family and my husband wouldn't have gone if my children hadn't been invited or his mother suggested I shouldn't go because the time has been changed so is too late for your little ones. We wouldn't have made a big fuss about it but he would have firmly told his Mother exactly why he wasn't going. We would have probably made a special outing to/with Nan on another day.

I teach and for a once in a lifetime dinner I would get there as early as 4 if it made things easier for everyone else. Even if it was a meeting night I'd tell my boss I had a family occasion (and my last UK school never allowed any time off teaching for anything).

But - if MIL won't include your sons then I wouldn't be giving her any photos.

BTW - any dinner, with that many people runs the risk of kids screaming just from noise etc. So I would want to be able to leave if necessary, even if it was lunch time.

Saramel sounds like you have fantastic boundaries. It would be nice if op could do that with her dh, kids and great grandma.

Sadly not everyone does have these boundaries. Don't know anything else about the mil but from the sound of it, she's a bit toxic. Dh sounds manipulated. It's often very hard to stand up to oppression.

Id let OH take them and then him and his mum can deal with tired tantrums while you chill at home with DS for a couple of hours

MIL has now told my OH not to bother bringing the boys ( my children from a previous relationship) and to come on his own as obviously I can't be bothered to put his nan first and she only cares about the extended family meeting the girls!

Wow. Just...wow.

I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near someone so small minded. And I'd be having a serious chat with my other half about it.

Well I am not sure which side I am on! I am a teacher and 5:30 would be a rush but definitely not impossible - I can have appointments after school from 4:15 onwards which I squeeze in before I pick my daughter up from nursery - including a 45 minute commute back to nursery! As a one off it is possible to leave early we are not tied to our desks.

I also have a little one who is used to going to bed by 7/7:30 so would be tricky but with lots of people to distract and lots going on I am sure they won't be as bad as you think. Buggy - lots of toys, new things to produce as the evening goes on.

Regarding her comments re your boys that does need to be addressed.

I wouldn't bother going. The invitation should be for all the DC. It's too late for your youngest. With such a large party, the food will take forever to turn up as I imagine there isn't a pre-booked menu. Everyone will be fractious, starving and tipsy - having consumed too much wine waiting for the starters to arrive. The children will be screaming and running around, Nan will be asleep and MIL will be desperately trying to pretend that everyone is having a brilliant time.

I can sort of see why it's all children or no children from your MILs view but 5.30 does seem a bit early. Think both of you have valid POV.

With 47 people there, the 2 Dds won't be missed, but screaming and howling because they've been kept up past bedtime will mean they are definitely remembered if you go! If their bedtime is 7pm, you might keep them going in a grumpy tired state until 730, but that's probably before the food has even arrived given an order for that many people. You will have to keep them going for 2+ hours passed their bedtime. This won't be fun if they don't sleep in the buggy.

Another option, could you meet the nan for a pre-dinner drink at 6 with all 4 dcs (having fed them at 5ish!), at the venue, say hello to wider family as they arrive (assume most will be arriving before 7) then leave with dcs as they do the food order, leaving DH to join the dinner.

Not ideal, but a way to keep the birthday nan happy.

Ooh, I like the idea of predinner drinks!
I think your MIL is being unreasonable, but I'd be tempted to be PA and only select pictures of the DGC that have the DSGC in them.
Good luck, I do hope you find a way to celebrate Nan's birthday.