To be really upset with my husband after my 7 yr old said she wanted to die

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Last night at bed time DD said she wanted to die. I got a big piece of paper and pens to draw her feelings and she decided she wanted to section the day and draw faces and she assigned emotions. We established these wanting to die feelings were when DH and I fight and when he shouts at her. DD and I were up till 10.30 pm so this was all guided by her. DH and I had a fight yesterday over not respecting my boundaries. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) and am not the easiest to live with because of my illness and I have been very ill recently and emotional and more shouty than normal. A week and a half ago it got so bad after 3 months of feeling so lousy, I wanted everything to end myself and told DH so he knows I'm feeling wobbly. DH has a Mediterranean temperament and and nationality and isn't good on the touchy feely.

DH tried to get involved yesterday in the drawing process and at dd asked me to send him away. My expectation was that he would want to get up to discuss this. He's not a morning person and wouldn't get up, which is not uncommon. At 9.30 DD went and explained her feelings to him whilst he was still in bed. The feedback she gave me was that DH wasn't happy at what he said and his answer was that mummy shouts as well. And she told me she was going to change her stuff basically to appease him. I explained that this wasn't the correct approach. I tried to talk about it to him and his reaction was: "well there was nothing to talk about and it was only to be expected if he was blamed seeing as it all came from me so of course there's nothing wrong with mummy". He was sarcastic, dismissive and nasty. And I tried to explain - cue more of the same from him and ended up raising my voice then back in bed in tears.

Yep, they seek help but as you say it's not as easy as just saying 'stop doing that'.

Yes sometimes people do.
But how often does it happen? Just read threads on here and you will see. People shout. They do, more often than they care to admit it because it's seens as such a bad thing. For some people, it will take them years to arrive at that point. Wanting the best for your child isn't the only thing required for that. And implying that is crap imho.

And some children are more sensitive to 'shouting' than others. Some more than they should be tbh.

dc1 is one of those. He can't seem to cope with me discussiong anything with my parents because it gets heated. NOT shouting. NOT even an argument. Just people exchanging different pov and caring about it. What he needs isn't us to stop discussing things or to do it in a different way. He needs to accept that people can have discussions and care about the subject they are talking about. And all that wo falling out or having an argument.
But yes he is a sensitive soul (and 13yo too...)
dc2 could't care less and acn't see an issue with it btw.

Children find it frightening to be given too much power or to be included in grown up feelings, discussions and dynamics - because they are too young to understand and they want to be guided and shielded by their parents. That's what people mean by feeling 'safe'.

If you stop the shouting as much as you can, stop being too intense around your daughter I would imagine a lot of her fears and bad feelings will be alleviated.

Something tells me your relationship is more volatile than you're admitting though.

By the way, I'm sorry you are ill and suffering and as all of us know parenting can be very very hard .

I didn't expect so much posting still. Thank you. And thank you for some really supportive comments.

Happy I think you have something there about dc1, DD is similar to this so can I see why the shouting is more alarming for her - difficult to compare with only one child. Dh wouldn't attend counselling. The issue with him not getting up is ongoing. When I'm really ill 6am - 9am with DD, a bouncy, high energy child is absolutely exhausting and I'm just sitting there desperately waiting for him to get up so I can go back to bed.

snap no that's it for us as a family. We are more disfunctional than I'd like because of my illness. We don't spend time together as a complete unit because we look after DD in shifts. This is all very hard for us as parents.

It is really hard not to shout. The shouting is a by product of the stress we are under to provide the life for our DD we want and because we don't have the family or couple life we crave. Dh said I've been particularly difficult to live with the past 2 weeks. I've been snappy and shouty because of the ill effects of the antibiotics and illness. DD has said much the same. Hopefully I will continue to feel stronger. Yesterday was a good step forward and the progress throughout today has been a leap. I'm actually amazed and a bit overwhelmed by how much better I feel. DD and I went to the park, I walked the dog and I'm still ok. I'd genuinely started to give up hope, especially after last week.

Shouting is bad, but not as bad as the other deep stuff that's going on with such heavy adult emotions being put on your dd. Like this: The feedback she gave me was that DH wasn't happy at what he said and his answer was that mummy shouts as well. And she told me she was going to change her stuff basically to appease him. I explained that this wasn't the correct approach. Plus wanting to die, drawing her emotions on a paper until 10.30pm, yikes.

Even at my grand old age I would find that difficult to wrap my head around! Sounds like mind games, and that is even worse than shouting - or rather, it is what makes the shouting harmful. I think you can minimize the harmful effects of shouting if you keep a united front and don't involve your dd in the mind games or heavy emotional stuff. That way she might see you shout but she will also see you pull together and she will feel safer.

You all need therapy. Your poor bloody kid is going to be totally fucked up if you keep on involving her in stuff that she should be protected from.

I'm amazed that you thought the right approach was art therapy! All she needed was a quick 'oh that would be really sad, why do you feel like that?' 'Because you're all so shouty' 'Yes we have been quite shouty. Sorry, DD. We'll try to stop shouting so much'.

But instead you turned at therapist, blocking your DH out....crazy.

What lougle said

Far too much drama here. Too much angst.

And it's just not good enough to say we are shouty etc. Stop it.

DD and I were up till 10.30 pm so this was all guided by her.

Next time, you be the guide. When people say child-led learning, I don't think this is what they mean. Sometimes you have to be the adult and do the guiding.

Before anyone else piles in, op has been very good at taking our comments on the chin and is taking steps in the right direction.

Good luck with everything op