To be really upset with my husband after my 7 yr old said she wanted to die

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Last night at bed time DD said she wanted to die. I got a big piece of paper and pens to draw her feelings and she decided she wanted to section the day and draw faces and she assigned emotions. We established these wanting to die feelings were when DH and I fight and when he shouts at her. DD and I were up till 10.30 pm so this was all guided by her. DH and I had a fight yesterday over not respecting my boundaries. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) and am not the easiest to live with because of my illness and I have been very ill recently and emotional and more shouty than normal. A week and a half ago it got so bad after 3 months of feeling so lousy, I wanted everything to end myself and told DH so he knows I'm feeling wobbly. DH has a Mediterranean temperament and and nationality and isn't good on the touchy feely.

DH tried to get involved yesterday in the drawing process and at dd asked me to send him away. My expectation was that he would want to get up to discuss this. He's not a morning person and wouldn't get up, which is not uncommon. At 9.30 DD went and explained her feelings to him whilst he was still in bed. The feedback she gave me was that DH wasn't happy at what he said and his answer was that mummy shouts as well. And she told me she was going to change her stuff basically to appease him. I explained that this wasn't the correct approach. I tried to talk about it to him and his reaction was: "well there was nothing to talk about and it was only to be expected if he was blamed seeing as it all came from me so of course there's nothing wrong with mummy". He was sarcastic, dismissive and nasty. And I tried to explain - cue more of the same from him and ended up raising my voice then back in bed in tears.

my mother used to do this to me. i was involved in their marital woes and was treated as her confidante, not the child i was. it fucked me up, still fucks me up and i haven't spoken to her for 10 years.

if you had an unhappy childhood yourself, this is your chance to break the cycle. let her be 7. this is all way too big for her.

Stop playing counsellor with your daughter.
In future you need to handle things differently.
Your daughter sent her Dad away like he was a a naughty child, then insisted he listen to her say he makes her want to die. Thats not OK. Of course he is feeling hurt.
You have taught her its ok to do this, and its not.

I suggest you all seek family therapy, none of this is healthy.

Elsie she showed him her mainly smiley drawings not told him she wanted to die. I get the point that he wanted to get involved last night. She's very secretive and won't speak to him about emotional issues or speak about them when he's around. I can see how this would be from his stand point. He does get involves but Usually after I've spoken to DD first and his input is good and I have to convince her to involve him. I think I need to look at why this dynamic is happening. He can tend to fly off the handle if something isnt presented in a certain way and I overreacted last night.

Exwife that's what I've been trying to avoid.

I'm not sure I agree with the majority so far, but my DS is 5 and so I haven't had experience with 6 yr olds.

However if my DS told me he wanted to die, in those words, I'd be taking it very very seriously. I'd also be very wary that DH's treatment of her and treatment of you is what ahe identifies as the cause.

Personally I'd be thinking of family counselling, further MH support for DD in whatever form that takes for kids, and be considering a break from my relationship if that's the impact it is having. I guess I wouldn't be wanting to dismiss what DD has aaid so easily and would want to take a good hard look at mine and partnera behaviour and address it.

However I'm only going by the short bit you've written in your OP so I think only you can tell how serious this is.

In all honesty, I'm sure your DH woyld have felt 'got at'given he was dismissed from the discussion then DD chose to talk about it to him in bed this morning. However, he needs to think about how he reacts in front of/ to DD - which of course can / should be different to how he reacts to you. He shouldn't dismiss DD to her face. But then I'd also be very wary if he was completely dismissive of what she has said even in private.

But TBH - you can't control how he has reacted to it, you can only control how you react to it. Decide how seriously you are going to take it and what you are going to do about addressing it- with or without DH

If she's saying things like this, you need to see a GP or the school and see if she can get proper counselling, from a real, qualified, disinterested counsellor.

The whole situation sounds extremely intense and lacking in any position of stable objectivity.

Sorry.

Book an appointment with the GP for your dd.

op has stated her dh wont go to therapy

alot of men feel this way especially from certain countrie they deal with themselves and the awoman has to cope with certain things

ive been through it they dont understand or dont care

Counselling for the child. This will probably be proper play therapy, with qualified, disinterested counsellors.

You need to stop involving your daughter in your domestics and tell her it's usual for couples to fall out occasionally, as you are individuals and have your own opinions.
It must be hard when you are so ill, the feelings of guilt at not being able to do normal things and i'm so sorry you are going through this.
It is not your husband's fault though and you need to stand united in front of dd, you can't allow her to rule the roost and play one off against the other.

I can see that you are trying to help your daughter have a healthy attitude to life. I do not think the way you are going about this is healthy AT ALL, and I would be very concerned about your DD. I also think family therapy is a good idea.

You cant fix this, you need outside help. You are trying to manage things that cant be managed.

Mummy As well as everything everyone else has said, I just want to gently point out that getting upset, angry and over emotional will drain you. It uses up so much energy, your adrenal glands will struggle and your heart won't be able to deal with it. It's in your very best interests to try not to get worked up. I bet you feel physically worse afterwards. If you feel it happening, remove yourself from the situation. Choose your battles.

I do understand that it's as frustrating as fuck and so hard to cope with but sometimes you just have to admit that you can't and step back.

^ you'll experience all that as someone with ME I mean. It's not just physical activity that uses up energy.

Thank you for all of your comments. I've taken them on board. Including the adrenal fatigue. I've just spoken to DH as DD is out this afternoon with friends. We have agreed the situation between us has got very tense.

I will be using my discussion with my therapist this week, who is very good to see what she thinks regarding my DD. And to reinforce my boundaries and to see how I can treat DH more fairly. We did see a child psychologist 2 years ago as she struggled with my illness. I will also contact her.

Hopefully I have finally got over the very ill period - which really didn't look likely even on Friday. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I finished 6 weeks of antibiotics for sinusitis, which has left me with a very low mood and having to take proton pump inhibitors. I think now that I've had a couple of hours to myself where I finally feel sort of ok I can see the situation very differently.

Thank you mumsnetters. As always frank. I'm going back to my regular name now.

Goodness g

Goodness gracious, my first thought is that you are all cery emotionally intense.

Try to be aware of that, and try to let your DD breathe

Back off a bit?

Sorry, did not catch your update.

I'd still say back off a bit with being your child's psycotherapist.

Kids need a bit of space

Well done OP. Sounds like you are in a calmer place now.

Don't worry - my usually cheerful 6yo said earlier today that he 'hated his life' - they can be a bit over dramatic sometimes!

It all sounds way too intense and volatile for a 7 year old to be in the middle of. You kept her up until 10:30 at night documenting her emotions on a huge piece of paper with no real idea of where that was going. I agree.

I think your low mood and your history is making mountains out of molehills. Stop shouting at each other. If you think your DD needs therapy, get her therapy. If she needs to be a 7 year old, get her to bed about 3 hours earlier and play when she's up.

talking to your therapist is a very good idea. I had counselling after I split with DD's stepdad and was struggling with boundaries. it's hard when you don't have a way to frame it from your own experiences.

I have to say I'm really wondering how posters think that comments such as 'just stop shouting at each other' will help.
Don't you think that the OP hasn't already tried? And that if that was That easy, she wouldn't have done it before

OP the idea of drawing feelings was a good one but not that late at night.
Butt what really comes out for me is the fact that your DH doesn't cope well with your illness. And you are struggling to cope with it too, both because of the illness itself and because of his reaction to it.

I think HE needs to go and see a counsellor. Maybe together to go see that therapist you are currently seeing?

Also, seeing that you are struggling with your energy, I would really not try and make your DH do things. The time and energy yu spent to try and make your DH get up is wasted energy for you.
Choose well what you are giving energy to (I'm saying that from the PoV of another ME sufferer). If he wants to get up and talk, good. If he doesn't, wait. IT'll be much easier for you (and him as I suspect he was just avoiding said conversation)

Mummy I think that being a parent sometimes awakens stuff from our own childhoods. To make our children feel safe, we have to feel safe ourselves, sometimes this is hard. Could you talk to your therapist about your own feelings, try to work through them and begin to come out the other side. Please do not blame yourself or dh. Look to yourself for your own answers, love yourself. It is ok. Sending you be brave.

I have to say I'm really wondering how posters think that comments such as 'just stop shouting at each other' will help. DH and I were shouty. It upset DD, we stopped. Sometimes it's that easy. Sometimes it's not.

I know young people who have given up crystal meth when they got pregnant. People do very hard things for their children. If they can't; they can seek help.