To get into a fight with my best friend over my au pair?

[fijennin]

I've had the said au pair for a long time, and she really is like a part of the family. I am a single parent and have one DD and she is 3,5. The AP is absolutely brilliant and fantastic, and I wouldn't doubt her judgement for a second.

DD is off nursery for the week and AP has had her for full days (all paid for extra).
Au pair was sick on Wednesday night, poor thing was throwing up and was just really unwell. My best friend, who is also DD's god mother, offered to take DD out for the next day (Thursday) as she had time off work and wanted to see her. She has her own keys to our house. She also has two older kids who are staying at grandparents for the week.

Now, the situation as told by my BF - She walked into the house only to find the AP asleep in her bedroom, with DD in the living room on her own eating fruit and watching telly. She said she was horrified, and couldn't believe how irresponsible my au pair is, to leave a toddler watching tv on her own. She said she walked into the APs room to confront her and all AP did was keep her mouth shut and then my BF took my DD and left.

NOW THE AP SIDE - DD woke up 7 am (I'm out of the house by 6.30), she got up, gave her breakfast, gave her a shower, washed and dried her hair, got her dressed, and by the time all that was done it was already 9. She cut up an apple, a banana, watermelon and left some raisins on the coffee table along with DD's water bottle and put on a cartoon and went to lie back down as she was still feeling really ill. at about 9.30 my BF walked in and shouted at her - calling her a disgrace and a bad au pair, an irresponsible brat and lazy teenager, saying she'll never ever let her babysit her DC again (ap babysits for extra cash) and that she'll make sure to tell me and everyone else what happened so they would never leave her children alone with someone who thinks it's okay to sleep during their working hours leaving a three year old unattended. AP said she was in shock and couldn't believe she was being such a bitch to her. as soon as they left AP called me to say what has happened and cried on the phone.

Few facts - 1.AP's bedroom door lead straight into the living room. her bed is positioned so that if her door is open she can see the sofa in the living room. Her doors were open.

1. DD is a really calm child, and rarely gets tv time. so when she does get to watch tv, she will sit quietly and watch.
2. AP is the type of person that jumps out of her bed in the middle of the night straight away if she hears DD crying. I don't doubt for a second that even the slightest whine from DD would have her sprinting to the living room to check on her.

When I called my BF to ask if what AP said was true her response was - ''WELL OF COURSE IT IS!!! How can you leave your child with someone stupid enough to think it's okay to leave a toddler alone while she sleeps! the lazy cow (and a lot of other things and name calling)!'' to which I completely lost it and told her to fuck off. I would've done the same thing if it was me in the position, and if DD was sorted out completely why wouldn't she lie down. anyways we got into a very heated argument and said a lot of things, and I think she was completely out of line and told her not to talk to me if she's gonna go batshit crazy over something that doesn't concern her. some other mutual friends of ours said that BF was right, and AP shouldn't have done that and that I shouldn't have picked the AP's side in this. I'm still sticking to believing that my BF is wrong in this scenario and didn't have to right to insult and make my au pair feel bad over something that I support.

Opinions now, am I really being unreasonable with this? Should I have taken my best friend's side and had a chat with ap about responsibility (like several people have told me I should've). Or am I right to stick by my au pair in this?

The ap really is amazing. I even asked her if she wanted the day off if she was sick and she turned it down, saying she can manage for a few hours until the BF arrives. sorry for the long post!

OP - you don't need to get into a fight with your friend. If she brings it up just tell her it's fine and sorted and change the subject. You don't need to justify anything to her.

I think what your AP did was fine and would be more annoyed with BF for laying into AP in front of DD

Your friend clearly went over the top.
However, your AP could have slept later if she knew the friend was coming and she shouldn't have left dd alone eating if she was sleeping.
I'd be very clear about it.
You should acknowledge your friend's concerns while telling her that you won't put up with rants or name calling.

Your bf would be right to be outraged if AP was healthy. But as your AP was quite ill, AP behaviour was perfectly reasonable. In fact, it is exactly what most parents would do if they were home sick with a child.

Your bf seems not to have taken the illness into account. I'd back AP, ignore BF and move on .

Your are right to stick up for your AP. Your BF sounds mental. Well done for backing up your AP, she sounds like a real gem

My LO is 3.3 and many a time do I leave him in front of the TV or with his iPad or his toys in the living room, within earshot of the kitchen or upstairs so I can do housework etc. You cannot give a child close supervision at all times, in fact I don't think it's good for the child to have a parent or caregiver hovering over them all the time! Your little girl was in eyeshot and if she had (and this is unlikely imo) choked on her food, it would be seconds before the AP could get to her. I think YANBU and your friend majorly overreacted.

If you're happy with the care that your AP gives then stuff what anybody else believes! She sounds brilliant.

Well you clearly know your AP and have said that you don't think she would lie but did it really take her two hours to get dd ready in the morning?

I think I agree with your BF although she had no right to shout at your AP about it. Your AP is employed to do a job i.e. look after your child and if your child is awake, she shouldn't be sleeping. If she was too ill to look after your child for a few hours she should have told you so that you could have gone into work a bit later or perhaps arranged for your friend to come around earlier.

I personally wouldn't have left your DD with fruit as I'd have been concerned about choking. However, it wasn't your BF's place to address this with your AP at all, let alone in the way she did.

I would speak to your friend again calmly and tell her that, while you understand her concerns you don't feel that the AP did anything wrong, if she doesn't want her to babysit for her anymore that is her issue and hers alone, you will be keeping her on, and that your BF coming into your home and calling your employee names is really not on and you believe she owes your AP an apology. I'd probably also ask for the keys back tbh. Then I'd say to her and any mutual friends who bring it up that the matter is over and done with and you don't wish to discuss it further.

hm i wouldn't get back into bed with a child that age unless they were next to me watching the Ipad...

and that your BF coming into your home and calling your employee names is really not on and you believe she owes your AP an apology. I'd probably also ask for the keys back tbh. Then I'd say to her and any mutual friends who bring it up that the matter is over and done with and you don't wish to discuss it further.

I doubt that the OP will need to worry about her BF and other friend bringing it up again if she starts asking for the key back and demanding BF gives the AP an apology as she is likely to lose the BF and other friends. I think in this situation it is best to say nothing more and let the whole thing blow over.

few things - the ap wasn't actually asleep, even(former) bf admitted she saw her eyes open when she walked into her room. BF is crazy. I really thought she was a friend but this isn't the first time something like this has happened. She stayed out with her DH all night one night while my ap was babysitting her kids, didn't let her know they'd be back late (were supposed to be back by midnight), AP ended up sleeping on their sofa. they came back 7 am, and they tried to only pay her for 4 hours instead on the 11 that she did. There's been a lot of stuff lately, and I don't think we can be friends anymore.

to whoever has said does it really take 2 hours - yes, dd takes 50-60 minutes to eat a bowl of porridge. she is one of those kids.

and also - we are being audited at work, meaning skipping out on a day is very risky, and au pair knows that, hence why she said she'll stay in. and bf did know ap was sick but 'she pressumed it was only a cold'

IMO you should always supervise children when they are eating. xx

Until what age?

At 4 they will be eating their fruit on the playground, with one adult to 60 children...

Your friend does sound very over-dramatic and not like a good employer yourself. Your AP sounds really lovely and in fact has got into trouble here doing you a favour. There's no contest in my mind, who could you cope without and is going to get up at 6.30/7am/work when sick/gets up in night?

your bd sounds horrid, and possibly A snob?

Keep your ap, lose the friend.

Make sure your so knows you're on her side.

Ap not so

Friend is potty and unsound. AP sounds great. I'm amazed so many people are judging her for leaving a 3.5 year old with fruit...she was able to see the child ffs, I'm sure nobody would choke so silently they wouldn't be noticed at that proximity.

Jeez, it's obviously a miracle my two made it to adulthood.

I think in this day and age people must learn to mind their business and not get involved in anything. If something bad happens when they could have helped or said something then tough but as things stand, turn a blind eye and say nothing. That way, we all can leave in peace with each other.

Your AP sounds like a real gem, and sounds like you're a great fit (family & AP)

Your friend presumably shouted at the AP on front of your child, which gives her no frickin higher moral ground.

At 4 they will be eating their fruit on the playground, with one adult to 60 children

Quite different from a 3 year old alone in the home.

I also think you shouldn't care what your other "friends" think. You are your dd's parent and it's obvious you trust and respect your au pair (and not your so called best friend).

Trust your instincts.

It also sounds like your so called best friend is still feeling defensive and miffed about being made (justifiably) to pay for a full night's baby sitting. I think she is demonstrating festering resentment of your AP with this incident and is somehow trying to justify her own actions

She stayed out all night and tried to pay for 4 hours? I used to charge double after midnight, unless I was asked to stay over. Can't remember what I got paid in those instances. 30 years ago.

I'd have waded in to back AP up at that point I must say. I agree, she's out of order to the point that it's really not worth continuing with this friendship. Get the keys back, and end the friendship.

Your friend sounds like a bully, coming into your au pairs HOME (because, yes, it is her home for the year) and shouting at her. Well done on your au pair for keeping her cool.

If the au pair was ill, she could easily have said that she was too ill to work. Instead, she acted like part of the family and agreed to watch the children on condition that she has an easy day and has a snooze while the kids watch TV. Presumably your "friend" would have preferred the aupair to take the day off so that you in turn would have to take the day off work??
I hope you gave your au pair a treat for going the extra mile - in my opinion, au pairs who step up and act like family members (e.g. working through illness) deserve to be given much appreciation!