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Original poster

Can you fall for someone you've never met

104 replies

PearlNicholas · 04/06/2016 10:52

Met online,local to me , says all the right things and has my heart racing, I'm in danger of getting carried away
I know I sound like a lunatic, I think I need some sense slapped in to me
We've swapped pics and phone numbers and he just sounds to romantic and lovely but it's all complicated, I need to stop but don't know how and don't know if I can,I feel as high as a kite with all the attention

OP posts:
JackandDiane · 04/06/2016 13:41

Yes, I am!

BranTriLlygaid · 04/06/2016 13:43

Stop trying to make yourself the victim in all this. You see what issues you have with your husband, but instead of trying to change things or leave, you're trying to have everything your own way. Well, you're well on your way to having no marriage, no bit on the side with equal dubious morals and if/when your children find out, they won't care for your excuses either. You will end up being even lonlier than you are now, all because you were not adult enough to deal with your marriage head on.

AllegraWho · 04/06/2016 13:46

Okay, now I think you need to ealk away from both of them. Your H can still be a good father even if he.s not married to you, and your chikdren are far lesx lijely to be hurt by divirxe than they will be by realising one day that their parents' marriage is so shit that their mother had to seek affection from virtual strangers.

Do you have a daughter? What if this was her, in x years time, posting this?

Toddzoid · 04/06/2016 13:48

Nah because anyone can pretend to be anything they want through a screen. Its ultimately only when you meet in person that you'll know whether there's anything real there. You can't have true chemistry purely through a screen, that happens in the flesh.

You might not even be attracted to them in person. Trust me, I have been on a date with someone I met online who looked completely different in the photos! Not a catfish but he'd managed to get incredible angles on his photos and definitely wasn't as attractive in person.

Original poster
PearlNicholas · 04/06/2016 13:50

I absolutely don't see myself as a victim , I'm telling you how things areand how I feel
I have repeatedly tried to change things to no avail and I don't want to leave

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 04/06/2016 13:53

How have you tried to change things? How old are your children?

BranTriLlygaid · 04/06/2016 13:54

Well you certainly have a big case of the 'poor mes'. If you refuse to leave then you are making a choice, you don't get two relationships, you have the one with your husband. If that one makes you feel like rubbish, do something about it. You read like some god awful Danielle Steel novel to be honest Hmm.

TheFuckersBitingMe · 04/06/2016 13:55

You don't want to leave but you're declaring you've fallen for someone you've never met?

You've already left, emotionally. All that's keeping you there is your physical presence. Your heart is long gone.

AllegraWho · 04/06/2016 14:05

Fine then, stay. It's your circus, they are your monkeys Grin I do hope that you are not somehow thinking it's ok because you have never met, because it's online, and because that makes it not real.

It's just as real as it would be if you met down the pub and exchanged sweet nothings behind the recycling bins. You are being just as unfaithful.

If you are ok with that, then well, you are ok with that, but do make sure you would also be ok with the consequences. The person most likely to get hurt in this story is you.

TheFuckersBitingMe · 04/06/2016 14:12

The thing is, you say you wouldn't want to hurt the children but lets be honest; you've already shat all over their home life by doing what you've done. You want more affection from DH and he's a cold fish. Walk away, divorce him, meet someone in the right way and show your DCs that you can behave with dignity and self-respect when you're unhappy.

What you're doing is showing them that when adults are unhappy they stay with someone unsuitable because of some misguided sense of duty, the whole time dallying about online with fuck knows who. Do you want them to emulate this as adults? You're already hurting them. So badly.

Get out of your marriage. Children survive divorce. They can learn to handle it and move on. What they're less likely to be ok with is watching their parents hate one another, and you can be sure that's where this is heading.

AllegraWho · 04/06/2016 14:12

Incidentally, all of you claiming it's not possible to fall for someone online - you really can not keep claiming that now you've come across a bunch of people telling you it is. The most you can claim is that it never happened to you, or that you just can't see how it could because you are unable to make a textual connection yourself.

People online are just as real as people you meet face to face. And bulshitters do needseeda screen in front of them to shit bull. Con artists can con even when they are holding your hand, and body language can also lie if the mind wants it to.

simonettavespucci · 04/06/2016 14:29

It seems to me the reason you're feeling this about a guy you've never met is that you are projecting the needs your marriage isn't meeting onto him. It probably wouldn't matter who he was, so long as he was vaguely the right demographic and showed interest. You may or may not like him if you meet him. It's also likely that the reason he isn't pressuring you to meet up is because he doesn't actually want to take it further. Because he is married.

You've obviously already checked out of your own marriage. It's only a matter of time before you break it up for real, so have some guts and decency - not to mention concern for your children and DH - and call it a day rather than having an emotional affair. If your DH really doesn't mind what you do and you really want to stay with him, tell him you want an open marriage. If, as seems more likely to me, you want out but you're scared to do it, then get your act together before you hurt everyone involved.

The strength of your feelings for this random should be a wake up call to how unhappy you really are.

ClopySow · 04/06/2016 15:55

Och, these things happen. Walk a week in someone elses shoes before you judge and all that.

TheCrumpettyTree · 04/06/2016 16:55

You're sadly mistaken if you think your DC won't grow up knowing you and your dh aren't happy. I have a friend who knew her parents stayed together for her and would split up as soon as she moved out. What a burden to place upon a child.

Anonimum32 · 04/06/2016 17:00

It's not always that easy just to just up and leave or end a marriage as some people suggest. The attention of the OM makes u feel amazing and u crave it like a drug - it's completely addictive. It's naughty, illicit, exciting and makes u feel wanted. But it's very likely to end in someone being hurt probably u. Maybe u are doing it to evoke some type of reaction from the DH? If he finds out what is he likely to do? leave u? No matter how good u are at covering ur tracks the OM may not be. If he is doing it with u he may well of done it before especially if u are on some type of hook up site. Be very careful sharing pix, as much as u trust him u don't know if he is likely to show them round and imagine how awful it would be for someone to recognise u on them, seeing as he is local to u xx

Gabilan · 04/06/2016 17:44

Incidentally, all of you claiming it's not possible to fall for someone online - you really can not keep claiming that now you've come across a bunch of people telling you it is. The most you can claim is that it never happened to you, or that you just can't see how it could because you are unable to make a textual connection yourself.

I think many people have probably met someone online and felt an intense connection. I can make textual connections. What I've learned though is that sometimes when I meet a person IRL that connection doesn't translate. There is something about the way someone smells, or moves, or the way their voice sounds that is just different when you meet.

With one person I had an intense online connection. I also really fancied him when we met. We ended up in some weird on-off FWB relationship for several years.

What I conclude from this is that you can experience a connection online. Then when you meet it can turn into nothing, or it can turn into lasting love, or all points in between. Which it turns into is probably down to luck, not the strength of feeling you felt before, since I've felt really strongly beforehand and it's gone various different ways. I don't think you can fall in love without meeting someone. I think you can imagine yourself in love and if you're lucky, that turns into the real thing.

ChitChatarunga · 04/06/2016 18:06

Yeh, the guy I had the great online rapport with, I set off think, this is EITHER going to be something or nothing!!! I was right :-p

EveryoneElsie · 04/06/2016 18:10

Theres a big difference between infatuation and mutual love. He feeds the needy part of you.

user1464519881 · 04/06/2016 19:04

Of course it's possible but it's never real until you meet. You probably will hate the look of each other when you meet up. So if you both want to risk your marriages and the love of your children then meet up. The bubble will probably risk as one of you will find the other visually repulsive in all likelihood. That's why most people who do on line dating meet quite quickly as until you meet you have not idea. Often the other person is 3 stone heavier than they said or as ugly as sin or totally different from what you imagined.

AllegraWho · 04/06/2016 19:21

Hmmm. I fell in love with OH without having any idea what he looked like. We didn't exchange pictures or meet up until after we left our respective spouses. I genuinely do not think that any aspect of our physical appearance would have made any difference to either of us - we knew we were a perfect fit for each other (and probably no one else).

Although DP did say that if I turned out to be 5 ft tall and weighing 20 stone he'd have loved me just as much but would probably not have wanted to shag me quite as often.... Wink

Postchildrenpregranny · 04/06/2016 19:22

The issue isn't really 'have I fallen in love online' is it ?
It's whether you want to
-Repair your marriage-or at least come to some sort of arrangement that leaves both of you and your DCs reasonably happy
-Leave your husband (you've said you don't want to You maybe need to articulate why not.Money?Fear?Effect on DCs who will know if you are both unhappy especially as they get older? )
Why did you marry your DH?Did you love him then?Would he go for couples counselling? .Life is too short to live in an unhappy marriage

user1464519881 · 04/06/2016 20:33

Well for most people looks matter. The person you thnk you love could turn up and be a 50 stone trucker of the same sex as you. Never ever believe someone is what they say until you've checked it all out and met them in the flesh. This person might be your spouse in disguise or your teenage child or a work colleague having a joke! Catfishing, isn't it callled?

Gabilan · 04/06/2016 20:39

I was just thinking of catfish. It's not unknown for someone to "fall in love" with someone online and for the object of their affections to turn out to be someone completely different from the person they're pretending to be.

AllegraWho · 04/06/2016 20:54

It's also not unheard of that people fall for someone in real life, move in with them, get married and then find out that they lied about their family, finances, job, that they forgot to mention they have a couple of kids.... Real life ain't all it's cracked up to be Wink

LogicalThinking · 04/06/2016 21:39

If your marriage is dead then you need to leave.
If your marriage can be repaired then you need to decide if you want to repair it. If you don't then you need to leave, if you do then you need to start working on it.
Your interaction with this other man is inexcusable.
The excitement that you are finding in this encounter is a symbol of what you are lacking in your marriage. You both need to leave your spouses for this to continue.

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