To not want to see in laws every week?

[Needanewnn]

Since I've had the baby number 2 dhs family have started wanting to come round every weekend.

They are nice enough, a few minor annoyances but I just don't feel like seeing them every weekend. On top of that they want to see us Christmas Day, Boxing Day and they book us in for bank holidays months in advance.

They do usually ring first and usually stay about 2 hours, so not all day, and I haven't always got a very good reason not to see them as in sometimes I am home but just don't feel like visitors. Dh works a lot during the week so we don't get a huge amount of family time.

Sometimes the house is messy, not a health hazard just we are a bit slack with washing the windows and scrubbing the skirting boards. In laws are very traditional in that mil does all of the cleaning, she has higher standards than us and I know that they slag off other people's houses. So I feel a bit judged. Just little things such as when I'd had the baby she offered to sweep and hoover, even though we had just done it. I get the impression that mil doesn't understand me because when I married dh I didn't sign up to bring his cook, cleaner and secretary. She'd often text me to let me know it was so and so's birthday (on dhs side of family), I'd say I'd let dh know. I just get the impression she thinks I'm not proper.

Anyway I'm going off the point. We don't always know what we might be doing, we might decide last minute to go out, but we then can't because they've already arranged to come.

If they don't see us for a couple of weeks they do get upset.

Dh is the typical bloke he acts like the laid back one and leaves everything down to me.

Yep, I agree with Wolpertinger.

My partners parents get funny with us if they don't get to see my DD twice a week! My family live far away so I make a point of when I have any family up we don't see any of my partners family and they always kick off. We always have to see his grand parents at least once a week and we always have to go to their house.

I would hate your situation op. hate it. My own family expect me to visit twice a week and that's enough.

MIL often hints I don't see her enough but to be honest she sees dc and dh every single week. sometimes twice.

I absolutely would tell dh to be straight and no more hints at buying his relatives cards. Then I would ignore the texts. Also I would go out and leave them all to it. Dh has a horrid sister and I am always out when she calls. She's got the hint. I don't feel remotely bad about it

You have a DH Problem.

Needanewnn, is DH an only child? Because if he is it occurs to me that he and the DC are a very big focus for the PIL and if there were other siblings/DGC their attention would be shared more between them. It would also explain why they are so adamant that you must always spend Christmas with them and various other holidays.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to raise your family the way you want, and spend time with them as it suits you. The GP's don't realise how lucky they are to see the DGC as much as they do. The PP who said they will end up missing out in the future if they don't start to fit in with you some of the time, is absolutely right. And you may want to point out to DH that the lateness of their turning up is a very poor example of manners to show your DC, and it would be best to meet them at the destination so that you can enjoy yourselves regardless of whether they come. This will be easier to achieve during the warmer weather. But you need to stop DH from backing down.

I'd start organising full day trips and then telling them that morning.
You are trapped by the fact you like to be "spontaneous" so they know you are unlikely to have planned ahead so they can just turn up.

Start booking stuff weeks in advance and planning a full day family outing. If your DH wants to entertain his parents take the kids. And if you have planned a picnic - you just GO, don't hang around for people you see every week who "might pop in".

My dad used to turn up and happily drive us all to a safari park or similar which was great - if he'd insisted we all sat at home all the time it would have been excruciating.

From a different perspective, I was the grandchild in all this. After my paternal grandmother died when I was 7, my grandfather came round to ours every fucking Sunday until he passed away when I was 17. Ten years of never having a free weekend (my Dbro and I had Saturday school - during term time Sunday was our only free day), ten years of watching my father sit on his arse while my DMum had to get everything just so with a full Sunday roast and all the trimmings etc (father and grandfather v traditional sexist, lazy, misogynistic pigs), ten years of having my homework or even just a quiet morning in peace being interrupted so we could be paraded out to welcome grandfather and sit and make banal conversation until he fell asleep in front of the TV.

I came to despise him in the end. And to this day I resent my father for letting it happen. I hate my father for many things but this is one on the list. I hate that it meant I didn't get any decent time with my mum's father, who I adored, before he passed away, and with her mother, who now has dementia and not a clue who I am. I hate the fact we couldn't just relax on a Sunday, get in the car and take the dog for a nice walk by the river, or just go into town and wander. It came to dominate our lives and it was awful. He wasn't a lonely old man with no friends, he had a very active social life and we were not his only family either (I have aunts and an uncle).

So my take home message from this would be that visits are fine, but please don't let them dominate. Your DC will notice sooner or later.

Why do MNers always say 'you don't have an IL problem, it's your DH'. What a load of tosh!

If your DH is not bothered or actually likes to see them every weekend, then why should he fire your bullets because you don't.

If you don't like it, then you need to do or say something.

It's not a load of tosh!

It's very hard to potentially upset your ILs if your partner isn't on board and sides with them.

But not all partners are on board Nanny. What if I couldn't stand my IL's, but my DH loved them and wanted to see them every weekend? Or the other way round.

Getting your partner 'on side' could be seen as very controlling behaviour. Just because you are married does not give anyone the right to potentially turn someone against their parents. Somewhere there has to be a compromise, but why should her DH upset his parents when it is the OP who has the issue with them?

By that same argument, why should the OP sit in waiting for these people when she wants to take the kids out and do something with the day?

OP, if they are regularly late, I'd just bundle the kids up and go. If they've missed seeing them because they can't be bothered to turn up when they say that's their problem.

Yanbu op. I can't think of a single person in the world that I'd want to see every week, with the exception of my dh and dc. Not even my best friend! Yanbu at all.

Your in-laws appear significantly controlling, but they do it in a nice way,

I think you have to say something soon, but say it in a nice way - as you need them to stay along side. You don't seem comfortable lying but I think you could be more vague. Say you're wanting your kids involved in various alternative activities (as they are getting older) - so you'll be out and about more now, so how about a 2 weekly visits from now on. On some level I expect you do want to do other things with your kids, even if it's quite minor - like making jam tarts - so you haven't lied.

Then you have your DH to deal with - that may take some time.

I would break their habit and take control. I would gradually take control by arranging their visits, our for lunch or at yours, but at the same frequency as they like to visit. Over time you can stretch it out to something you are more comfortable with. While stretching out the time between visits be unusually busy (not for long, just to break the habit).

Ask yourself this question - who's in charge around here?

The other thing to think about is most 'spontaneous' activities are actually a bit planned rather than completely spontaneous - it's the weekend, we have nothing on on Saturday so if it's sunny we might go to do the park, rather than a sudden out of nowhere statement.

Your husband thinks there is 'nothing definite' and is quite happy with hanging out ILs as although they are really dull, it's very familiar to him and he didn't know you had all these half-formed plans in your head.

While you also thought there was nothing definite but there was a definite something! It's communication problem about your love of spontaneity - he thinks it doesn't matter a non-plan is cancelled while you aren't really as spontaneous as you think - you might not have decided where you were going until 30 min before but clearly you had it in mind all week that on Saturday you would go somewhere.

Which is a longwinded way of saying scrap being spontaneous, make some plans and ILs can come or not but don't get to be as tedious as Lockhart's were.

Plan something nice for next weekend
Let them know you've got lots on the next few weeks 'so let us know if you're planning on coming round. We might be out and I'd hate for you to waste a journey.'
When they text to say they are coming round say 'oh sorry we are doing X.'
Make X something kids will love but they won't

Repeat the process. You're aiming to wean them onto two things: firstly accepting you're not at their beck and call to do stuff every weekend- you might be out. Secondly, to see you less often. How often is ok with you? If it's every other weekend then work towards that. When you do see them be very welcoming.

so let us know if you're planning on coming round which they will read as let u know and we will change our plans to accommodate you - and OPs DH will agree with them!

Just arrange a day out and, when/if they ring say "Sorry, we are out that day" - I'd erase the word sorry but can't without it sounding rude...

Tough shit, we will be out