To not want to see in laws every week?

[Needanewnn]

Since I've had the baby number 2 dhs family have started wanting to come round every weekend.

They are nice enough, a few minor annoyances but I just don't feel like seeing them every weekend. On top of that they want to see us Christmas Day, Boxing Day and they book us in for bank holidays months in advance.

They do usually ring first and usually stay about 2 hours, so not all day, and I haven't always got a very good reason not to see them as in sometimes I am home but just don't feel like visitors. Dh works a lot during the week so we don't get a huge amount of family time.

Sometimes the house is messy, not a health hazard just we are a bit slack with washing the windows and scrubbing the skirting boards. In laws are very traditional in that mil does all of the cleaning, she has higher standards than us and I know that they slag off other people's houses. So I feel a bit judged. Just little things such as when I'd had the baby she offered to sweep and hoover, even though we had just done it. I get the impression that mil doesn't understand me because when I married dh I didn't sign up to bring his cook, cleaner and secretary. She'd often text me to let me know it was so and so's birthday (on dhs side of family), I'd say I'd let dh know. I just get the impression she thinks I'm not proper.

Anyway I'm going off the point. We don't always know what we might be doing, we might decide last minute to go out, but we then can't because they've already arranged to come.

If they don't see us for a couple of weeks they do get upset.

Dh is the typical bloke he acts like the laid back one and leaves everything down to me.

What about your own parents? Do you see them as often? Could you not say that you're going to visit your own parents/other family on alternative weekends?

We had a bit of a problem as my parents were much more laid back, My ILs were overbearing. They admitted that they forgot that I have family too who we may have liked to visit.

Sadly, I have found that a difficult relative can become impossible as they age but that's another story.

Had a similar problem. Solved it by inviting MIL (who was the instigator) somewhere every week - lunch, play park, music bugs session etc
She still got to see the grandchildren and I got to say when. Plan some definite things for the weekend so you can say can't see you Sunday, how about Tuesday etc
And if you decide to cancel Sundays plans for whatever reason then so be it!

Why do you feel judged at your lack of cleaning?
Does MIL say anything to you?

It's difficult to explain it's just the way they are about things. They might not make direct comments it's quite indirect. They comment on other people's homes that they have visited and how their windows were dirty or the floor wasn't swept it makes me a bit uncomfortable because our can look like that.

Or dh might say "come in, it's a bit messy" and mil will make some comment about how she knows dh doesn't have any time with work. This was the same with the birthday situation. She'd say I could sort it as dh doesn't have time with work, even though I work too.

I'll be honest in my opinion although some may not like it. It is enormously beneficial for children to have their grandparents be a very regular steady part of their life. (Unless the grandparents are emotionally toxic, obviously.) Giving your children regular contact with their grandparents is one of the greatest gifts you can give them, even if it feels like a chore sometimes. Think about it, people who love them very nearly as much as you do but who don't have the same stresses and responsibilities to occasionally cloud that relationship. It means so much more and gives so much more to your children than not seeing them every could to you.

I saw both sets of my grandparents twice a week each. Sunday and Wednesday evenings we visited my mum's family and Saturday and Tuesday evenings we visited my dad's. As well as that my parents took them shopping once a week and we saw my great grandparents regularly too. We spent Christmas eve evening and St Stephens day with my dad's family and Christmas day with my mum's family finishing up at my great-grandparents' house until the small hours. It was idyllic, my parents sometimes found it stressful but I'm so, so glad they did it because nothing is worth more than the abundance of love that being that close to your grandparents brings. Nothing.

So now I make sure my son has the same. He sees his grandparents 5 or 6 days a week. And I try to ensure he sees my surviving grandmother at least weekly. Yes sometimes it feels like a chore, and I sometimes enjoy the break from visiting that comes when my parents are on holidays. But seeing how having all this unconditional love in his life has helped my son to flourish in ways that he just couldn't without it, makes it worth every second. And tbh, it's actually mostly a very enjoyable routine once I became completely open to it. I also have the reassurance that if DS is ever orphaned that he will experience the least possible emotional disruption in spite of his grief because his grandparent are his family in every sense of the word.

I absolutely don't think the solution here is for you to care less.

But I think as is often said on here, your real problem is with your DH.

If you and he aren't on the same page regarding having some weekends that are just about quality family time for your own little family unit, then you're going to be fighting a losing battle.

What do you think, OP? If he knew how much impact it has on you and how much happier you would be to just have some weekends entirely to yourselves, would he be prepared to put you first sometimes - or is he always going to put his parents first, above you?

If the former, you've got something to work with.

If the latter - not so much.

It really is hard to explain without noting every little comment.

She'd text me saying "it's dhs auntie X birthday, can you organise her card?", so I'd tell her I'd tell dh. Or she'd ask me to thank his uncle Y for dhs birthday present. Sometimes I didn't even know dh had been sent one.

Dh mentioned it to her and she got annoyed and said she told me because she knew dh didn't have time for that kind of thing.

OP, I hear you completely, my MIL is the same. With her, if you do something 3 times the same in a row it becomes an ingrained habit. That generation becomes like that, so you just need to break it.

I would suggest gently breaking it (I tried the direct, straightforward approach and just ended up as being accused of trying to be unreasonable for no reason). Book a one off extracurricular activity, a play date, some work in the house to mix up the habit. When they come over, get your chores done, and enjoy family time around that. If you want a day to mooch about and do nothing, thats more difficult, you have to be a little underhand.. As you don't have an excuse. That's when you have to start saying you want to do stuff for which you have no intention (can backfire, but gives them and DH a strong message).

It,will get more difficult for them anyway with party invitations, days out etc so just wait for it to peter out naturally, and encourage that to happen. However, there are benefits from putting up with this kind of situation as you will have willing babysitters and may have got some precious time to yourself if you can play it to your advantage, as well as the benefit to yours and Dh's relationship (keeping him on side in other aspects of your relationship).

Children can experience the unconditional love of a Grandparent, whilst also having exercise and fresh air at weekends.

And tbh, a Grandparents love isn't that unconditional if they are the type to only want to see the GC on their own terms.

There is a whole world out there beyond the sofa. I'm not sure why two members of the family should get to dictate the extended family's weekends every single week.

Oh yes, and with regard to the birthday card thing, just suggest to DH to tell her to put your names in her card he'll give her the money for the stamp . That's what my DH would do. she could have done that in the time it takes for her to text you the reminder. Much better use of her valuable time 😉

OP, I think you're getting a bit of unfair criticism here. People are different and differently introvert/extrovert; people have different levels of comfort with, or tolerance for, company. I would find this completely claustrophobic and feel really trapped, regardless of how much I had in common with ILs. We have so little previous free time, so few unplanned days when we can do things on impulse - the idea that someone would feel entitled to turn up every single week - ugh. Awful. I really, really couldn't have stuck it as long as you have.

All the people saying that regular contact with gps is so beneficial - yes - but that has to be weighed against the toll it takes on the family if it leads to the op being low-level unhappy with it all the time. It has to work for everyone. And 'regular' doesn't need to mean every single week.

I really sympathise and wish you well in taking back control. I think the key is to make it clear to your dh that you're not being grumpy or antisocial - you're just wired differently for this stuff.

Thanks 64poolane and others.

I am probably quite introvert, I don't feel the need to be around people all the time although I do enjoy being with my immediate family, dh and the dc. I actually think dh is introvert too, there is no way in hell he could tolerate being around my family every weekend. He's only so relaxed about it because it's his own mum and dad. He goes into a blind panic when my dsis is coming and goes to put his best clothes on and keeps clock watching to see what time she is coming.

That's not to say I never want to socialise outside of my own household at all.

I get where you're coming from. It may only be 2 hours but it means you can't just do as you please for the day without making definite plans. It would annoy me too, I would just say it's not convinient sorry.

there is no way in hell he could tolerate being around my family every weekend

Could you come up with a plan that your family start randomly turning up at the weekend and sitting in your front room making comments for two hours?

Then see what he says.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to choose what you do as a family at weekends. I also understand that you don't necessarily want to tie yourself to particular activities.

However, I think you do need to break the cycle. While we're enjoying such gorgeous weather it would be easy to take the children out for the day at the weekend - just get up and go in the morning, and take a pram for the baby's naps. Leave the tidying until later.

And an earlier poster had a good idea- pop round and see the in-laws at a time that suits you- maybe on your way to the park. That way nobody needs to see your house and you can leave when you choose.

When they visit you, there's no obligation on you to hang around if they are in the habit of turning up 2 hours late. You could always say that you will be going out at x time (so if they are late they only have half an hour) or alternatively if they haven't arrived after say 30minutes, text to say that as they're running late / have changed their minds you'll be heading out to xyz but they are welcome to join you there.

It is important for children to forge bonds with grandparents, but not to the extent that they are permanently hanging around waiting for them.

What a miserable thread.

Yanbu, they are. Mil sounds very controlling, not bringing her coat, wearing high heels so she can't do whatever or not liking the restaurant. Young kids should, IMO, be in their own house for Christmas. I'd stop that crap right now, tell them you're staying home for Christmas Day and maybe invite yours and his family round for Boxing Day high tea or something.

You need to talk to your DH and get him to see why you want a more flexible weekend. You're being remote controlled from afar by your PILs every weekend. That would kill me, I hate being stuck in the same boring routine without the option to do what I want to do. It feels very unfair on you. You want time with your DH and DC, totally normal. Move far away, OP, before all is lost!

It's a classic pattern, domineering parents, dominated DH who is afraid of upsetting them, rigid expectations by the parents of their own wishes being met.

Start working on DH now about Christmas. Say that it's been unfairly biased towards the IL's and that you would like to do what suits you and your children, and see more of your parents for a change.

Regarding the turning up late, this would annoy me. And the fussiness about where to eat. If the Il's try to dissuade you from going to places that they don't like but you do, say that you are bored/dissatisfied with the Nags Head because you always seem to end up there, on this occasion you are going to the Italian/Spanish/Indian/Chinese/ Indonesian because you haven't been for such a long time. Show MIL that she is not the only one who can be judgemental. Broach the subject that you wish you had more time together, you DH and DC, especially as you work as well as DH, and there just doesn't seem enough time at the week-ends for this. you could suggest other ways of them seeing the DC that would allow this.

Start deflecting MIL's little messages telling you to remind DH to send cards and thank people for gifts. Remind her that he is an adult and perfectly able to do them for himself. Remind her that you also work, and have other things to do. Add that it is none of your business and you are not his secretary.

Sorry if this has already been suggested but why don't you see if they would come every other weekend?
Me and my DH are the same with both our parents. We like t do things just the four of us, especially if it's something the kids haven't done before as its special to me to have that particular memory with my children and DH.
My mil does ask before she turns up and is alright if I say I'm busy, sometimes though I sense she thinks I don't like her which isn't true at all.
I think you have to start pleasing yourself and not other people all the time. It's hard because you don't want to upset them but a the same time you need to spend time on your own with your family. I get it.

You need to put your foot down and tell them that you are having no visitors next week etc. You need the space to be your own family.

I could not put up with it. Luckily my parents and PIL's live far away.

My DM is an hours drive and we see her about 4 or 5 times a year. My PIL are a 3 hour drive, I never go to them and they come to see us for the day about twice a year. That is enough for me. The kids used to go and stay with them in the school holidays sometimes.

Christmas we never go to see them, we often try and go away.

Dh mentioned it to her and she got annoyed and said she told me because she knew dh didn't have time for that kind of thing.

Any bloke capable of holding down a job is capable of organising cards, thank yous, etc. It doesn't have to take much time at all. I have never done wifework, ever

OP, I can appreciate why you don't want to see the ILs every weekend. If it gets set in stone then what's going to happen when the DCs get a little older and have invites to parties, playdates, etc? Which nearly all take place at weekends.

Dude, that sounds awful. Realistically, it isn't the time you spend but the expectation that you WILL spend at least two hours every weekend.

Sorry your visit doesn't suit, we are having Family time.

Sorry that doesn't suit, we are having Family time.

Repeat as needed.

Seriously, you need to dig in and fight for your rights to party!

Your DH is married to his mummy. He hasn't moved on at all- plumbing in their bathroom in a "family holiday"? Humph.

If he can't see that he's married you, and you and he have made a family of your own that needs nurturing! and careful tending, you need marriage guidance counselling ASAP.

Memories are made for your kids right now.... Are your critical in laws, and a stressed out cleaning mummy going to be in every damn memory your kids have!?

Fight for your family! Insist on family time.

Effectively the problem here is that DH has domineering parents he won't stand up to and who think you are responsible for everything (wifework).

However if you try to approach it like this with your DH 'Your parents are horrible and the root of all the problems' - you will get nowhere except a massive row. It is better to chunk it up into much smaller problems with individual solutions.

Cards, birthdays, thank-yous etc for people on his side of the family - I'm sorry MIL, I have no idea, you'll have to speak to DH, he deals with all of those for people on his side of the family.

MIL has different standards of cleaning to you - well, that one is easy. Stop giving a shit. She's never actually said anything and if she did then you can be ready with 'DH and I do the cleaning jointly. We are happy with how clean the house is as we want to spend our time time enjoying the kids not cleaning behind the radiators'.

Booking up Christmas and Boxing Day and every Bank Holiday - not on. These should be equal between both sets of parents and time spent just you and the kids. And if they have booked Christmas already that should be met with 'Sorry we can't possibly book that now, it's June FFS'

Every weekend sounds bearable if a) they turned up on time and b) only because your kids are tiny and not going to loads of activities of their own. When they are older it won't be. At the moment your DH says it's OK because none of the plans you made like 'going to the park' were firm plans - when the kids are older they will be firm plans are they will be driving everyone mental.
So why not make firm plans now? 'DH, your parents are coming at 1, they said they'll stay for a couple of ours so lets plan to go to x at 3:30 with y' and book it. Then when PILs inevitably turn up at 2:30 there will be a firm plan and you will ALL have to leave at 3 without them - trust me, the PILs will only do it twice.

It also sounds like your PILs aren't going to be that much fun for the kids to see when they are older if they never want to go to the park/farm/anywhere to eat/can't wear a coat - I would suggest you keep inviting them to meet you places and don't cancel when they call off (possibly call them yourself so DH can't wimp out) because it IS a definite and the kids shouldn't miss out and you are an exciting busy family.

Either they will get the hint they have to step up or they will cool off.