To not want to see in laws every week?

[Needanewnn]

Since I've had the baby number 2 dhs family have started wanting to come round every weekend.

They are nice enough, a few minor annoyances but I just don't feel like seeing them every weekend. On top of that they want to see us Christmas Day, Boxing Day and they book us in for bank holidays months in advance.

They do usually ring first and usually stay about 2 hours, so not all day, and I haven't always got a very good reason not to see them as in sometimes I am home but just don't feel like visitors. Dh works a lot during the week so we don't get a huge amount of family time.

Sometimes the house is messy, not a health hazard just we are a bit slack with washing the windows and scrubbing the skirting boards. In laws are very traditional in that mil does all of the cleaning, she has higher standards than us and I know that they slag off other people's houses. So I feel a bit judged. Just little things such as when I'd had the baby she offered to sweep and hoover, even though we had just done it. I get the impression that mil doesn't understand me because when I married dh I didn't sign up to bring his cook, cleaner and secretary. She'd often text me to let me know it was so and so's birthday (on dhs side of family), I'd say I'd let dh know. I just get the impression she thinks I'm not proper.

Anyway I'm going off the point. We don't always know what we might be doing, we might decide last minute to go out, but we then can't because they've already arranged to come.

If they don't see us for a couple of weeks they do get upset.

Dh is the typical bloke he acts like the laid back one and leaves everything down to me.

I saw my parents every weekend when ds was younger and since dad died I see mum twice a week now. He's always had a great relationship with them. The in-laws we don't see much because they thankfully live 450 miles away and there are other problems. Now my dad is gone I do wish I had more grandparents in ds's life.

It will enrich your dc's lives to have doting grandparents and regular contact will strengthen their bond.

Make it work for you. If you want to go to the park for a picnic either say we are going to the park for a picnic at 1pm can you come early at 10am, or tell them you are going and invite them to come with you or say we are going to the park on Saturday can you come Sunday instead.

If they would like to see the dc regularly can you take them to visit midweek like you do with your parents? Drop dc off there for a couple of hours while you do some shopping? Then there will be less pressure to accommodate a visit at the weekend?

Saying you don't know if you are free and you might want to go to the park is leaving your dh in an awkward position.

Wanting to clean and tidy up is your MiL's problem, not yours! Let her do it or park her in a chair with the baby or get her to play with your older DC.
2 hours isn't long BUT every weekend plus Bank Holidays is a bit much.
Is the 2 hour time because they are very keen on organised routine and have other regular commitments or do they realise you might not want them for longer? I'm thinking 3 or 4 hours every 2 or 3 weeks would take some pressure off you. I guess the 2 May Bank Holidays didn't help!

it is only once a week for 2 hours and they do call first - I assume they live close by.
grandparents cannot seem to do right for doing wrong these days.
while your children are young they will want to see them (especially the small baby) as often as they can.
I do agree they should not arrange Christmas and bank holidays for you - you need to be firm about this OP.
My way in dealing with visiting my son and his family - is to take the lead from them.
I would never visit unless invited, they know they can call on me to help out when required, and I certainly never assume anything about bank holidays - they decide and I either go along with it or not. As for house-keeping - their house is up to my slightly chaotic standards - but my excuse I have a dog

Would they meet you at the park, or go out to a farm? That way you can see them without having to feel like you're "wasting" a weekend day stuck indoors.

The thing about not knowing what I might be doing. I wouldn't be like this all the time, but am I not entitled to a free weekend with my dc? I like just waking up on a weekend and being able to make adhoc plans. We are the type of family that spontaneously decide to go out for a meal and to the park halfway through the day. If you've committed to visitors you can't. They usually say they'll come at 1 but turn up at 2.30pm and by the time they go the day has gone.

I don't mind arranging to see them of course but just not every weekend and what I'm saying is we often don't know what we are doing until the half an hour before we decide.

My solution would be DP talking DC to his parents and me having a lovely couple of hours to myself.

I've tried that. Saying we might be going to the park or for a meal but they can come. They usually say no they don't fancy it, then dh tells them we won't bother going because it wasn't definite anyway, and we don't go.

Other times mil has turned up in high heels or without a coat then complained that her feet hurt or she is cold, and we end up leaving early.

Or they don't like the food at the place we have chose so we end up going to the only pub that they will eat at.

Every weekend would be too much for me. i try to deal with over enthusiastic grandparents by taking control, so rather than waiting for them to ring and invite themselves at the weekend, I invite them over Friday afternoon so they can take dc1 to the park. Or I suggest going over to theirs for an hour on Saturday, that way we can leave when we're ready and I don't always feel like my house is being invaded.

I had this problem with my father, who wanted to visit regularly after my daughter was born. He was, to say the least, very set in his ways. So there was an expectation on his part that he would be looked after. Tidy house, regular offers of hot drinks. 'Proper meals'. Sitting down and small talk.

In my case the difficulty was that we were very concerned to keep everything as normal for when my partner's children came at the weekends. So there was a tension between what my father needed - and what two lively older children needed.

We asked my father to slightly reduce his visits, so that when he did come we could look after him properly. He got offended and said he was being prevented from seeing his own grandchild. (Sighs at the memory.)

But in my mind we did the right thing. The key thing was that my partner and I talked it over and were in agreement.

I do get it. My ILs are a bit like that. They're up for doing anything at weekends- as long as it involves sitting round their dining table eating a roast dinner or going to a garden centre to have dinner.

Fortunately for me and SIL neither DP or BIL pander to their refusal to join in with anything outdoorsy or kid/family oriented.

You do, as ever, have a DP problem- or at the very least different ideals of how to spend the weekend.

Does he genuinely prefer sitting at home entertaining his parents, or is he just used to them telling him what to do?

No tell your husband it's to much they're his parents so he can deal with it.

Inlaws we see once a year because of the distance my Dad we see once every week/2 weeks.

If you don't like it, just speak up.

2 hours is nothing really. I go to choir for 2hrs a week. Writing group 2hrs a week. WI 2hrs a week. I don't angst about any of them as they're tiny increments and if I have a week where choir isn't convenient, I simply let the leader know. It's not a comparison really but what I mean is that it's a comparatively small amount of time. You just don't like seeing them by the sound of it.

I think you need to see it objectively and treat it as what it is. What I think is really going on is that you don't particularly like them. You're different and resentful about things. It's become far bigger than it is as a problem.

These people love your children and your husband. It's a great thing you do have in common and you should nurture that instead of resenting the inevitable. You have to have them in your life, they love your family and all you need to do is make it work for you.

So what do you want? Express it instead of griping about the bits you don't like.

Don't waste time letting it become a resentment.

I'm not sure what dh thinks to it all. He's definitely afraid of upsetting them.

To be fair things have got better, they used to have him running around doing all of their diy every weekend they've backed off a bit with that. They'd have job lists for him and they'd expect him to use his holiday to plumb in their new bathroom.

Fil does like to tell him what to do. We've got two cars and fil thinks that we should sell them and get one new car the same as his. Even though we don't want to do that he repeatedly tells dh he's seen a car for a good price and dh pretends to agree, rather than just telling him we are happy as we are.

But 2 hours in the middle of the day, every weekend, does prevent OP from doing what she wants to do, when she wants to do it.

Some people love living in close proximity to family/friends, others don't.

When I read "My parents come round every week, I love it" I often wonder, what the OH thinks of it. To me taking up part of someones weekend, family time, every single week, is an imposition and I, like OP and others, don't need to be told we are over reacting. We just don't like it as much others do.

I think two hours is quite a lot at the weekend, when there are small children and at least one parent is working full-time. Because it's not as if there is an infinite amount of time for the family to do fun stuff and go out as a family. (There are meals, tidying, chores, bedtime routines - perhaps other social commtiments with friends.) Plus the fact that small children are tiring. The early starts, the bedtime routines. I think if the relationships with inlaws don't involve a kind of happy, relaxed, mucking in with whoever's around and whatever's going on - a regular weekend visit could easily be a bit much.

I suppose I am a bit funny about keeping weekends free. I keep all of dc1 clubs for the week. I'm not saying I won't see family on the weekend of course, just not every weekend.

That's just it, dh works long hours during the week. He also has to work one weekend in four. The baby is still quite demanding. By the time we've had a tidy up Saturday morning, the baby might have a nap, in laws turn up then the day is gone.

I suppose it just depends how close knit you want to be.

Look, just say no, especially the weekends that your dh is working. Or just go out on your own rather than hanging around waiting for them to turn up. I know you want to take the children out, but you do have the rest of the week to do that. Maybe if your dh is left to amuse the children whilst waiting for his parents to turn up he'll start to see your point of view.

What do you actually want to do with weekends? If you want to eg go for a picnic just say you're going for a picnic with friends (so they don't invite themselves along) and will likely be out most of the day. Don't give any more information than you need to as saying "we're out from 12 until 2" is bound to result in a plan for them to come over at 3. If the picnic doesn't materialise then so be it.
Tbh they sound like they are trying to help and genuinely want to spend time with you rather than that they are judging or being mean. You just maybe need to be a little firmer and more proactive rather than letting them invite themselves - you decide when you'd like to see them.

I just wanted to add as I realise I haven't mentioned it. They do very often see us for ore than 2 hours and they get to take the dc (at their request too).

I might be giving the impression that there are some kind of strict two hour visiting rules.

Some weekends we spend the whole day with them, they're always asking to have the dc for the day, totally their choice and we let them take the dc off. Even if we've spend a whole day with them they still want to come round.

What I want is to have some weekends where we are free to do as we please, to not have to commit to visits just because we haven't made any definitive plans.

I don't want to have to lie and say we are out all day, when actually I just want have a free weekend to do as I please.

It feels like they have the right to see their dgc every weekend but I don't have the right to have the weekend alone with my own dc.

Same with Christmas really, sometimes I'd like to be in my own house, I'd like to be free to stop by and see my own mum or sister if the mood takes me.

That first sentence is your real issue, isn't it? That you are bottom of the heap and are being overridden and ignored.

I don't think there is anyway past that without you and your DH having a long discussion about personal space, family time, intrusion, expectations.

You are going to have to say things like It feels like they have the right to see their dgc every weekend but I don't have the right to have the weekend alone with my own dc. over and over again until he gets it, he sees that, in keeping them happy, he is removing your right to your family time.

As long as you remember never to say 'never' and just to say 'less' you won't be being unreasonable.