AIBU to expect my Dh to stop drinking?

[Spermeetegg]

Ok so to put this in prospective we have been together for five years and trying for a baby for three years I have children from a previous marriage dh does not we paid privately to go to a fertility clinic where we had tests and found dh to have slightly abnormal sperm motility the consultant told dh to stop drinking and take a vitamin c and zinc complex and told me to loose weight dh is seven years younger than I am at nearly forty I feel time is against us (although my mum was 46 when she had my youngest sibling) to date I have lost almost two stone which is half way to my ideal weight and has been a hard slog dh only takes the tablets when I give them to him and we seem to constantly have the same conversation about his imo excessive drinking feel like I'm at the end of my tether!

Unfortunately yes. He has to want it.

You can't stop him from drinking unfortunately. He controls his behaviour. Well done on the weight loss. How Much does he want children and how much do you want children with him? Please think honestly because he is perhaps sending you mixed messages there.

It sounds like he's not as committed to do whatever it takes.

Yes I am beginning to feel he is it was him who suggested that he would stop drinking completely (I don't particularly like heavy drinking I'm a nurse!) He drinks in the house on his own and will drink like a full 18 can crate of beer in an evening I only drink if I go out with friends and never to the extent of be that drunk I didn't expect him to stop completely but like I said it was initially his idea.
Having children with him would mean the world to me, we have discussed it in depth and he says he really wants children he is very good with my teenagers and young children and babies within the family, however I feel like I would do whatever it takes to have a baby and agree he doesn't seem to show commitment through his actions to top it off this month we have no money as we had a bill we had to pay which pretty much wiped my pay packet out iwe had sat down and gone through all the finances and had literally just about enough left to pay our bills (bar two I have managed to defer) and he came in rolling drunk last night having taken sixty quid out of our bills account in order to get that way!

He drinks 18 beers!

He doesn't really sound like he's too bothered. Drinking is his priority.

Why are you even considering have children with this man? If he drinks like this and is putting booze before bills, he's an alcoholic. Please take your rose tinted goggles off.

He is not an alcoholic he doesn't drink everyday or need to drink like I said I'm a nurse I agree when he drinks he is ridiculous and doesn't know when to stop which is why I have an issue it is not normal behaviour for him to take bill money to drink with but for what ever reason he did yesterday he was very apologetic today but I still feel angry and confused about it all

18 beers I an evening is what, at least 36 units? That's drunk for a day and a half! He's either got a serious drinking problem or... No can't think of another option.

And he's drinking your bills money.

I get what your saying like I said he is ridiculous when he drinks but an alcoholic is physically dependent on alcohol he is just a heavy binge drinker although I agree still a problem the question is how do I solve it the bill money is a one off although I have made clear to him if it happens again it will end the relationship I just feel like I'm at a crossroads do I accept that he is sorry and move forward or walk away which is easier said than done!

He is obviously going to carry on with his life in exactly the same fashion as he has always done. He may want a child but he quite obviously doesn't want one enough to make any sacrifices for. If there was a young baby in the house how would he cope? There is a very high chance that he would drink more to try to offset the stress that having a new baby can bring ie from sleepless nights. In my opinion you would be crazy to be an older mum with an unsupportive partner. It sounds as if your relationship (with all its quirks) is fairly settled. You have your children already so just enjoy them and get on with your life. How would you feel if you did have a child and you had to return to work leaving it in his sole care but he had been drinking. Well done to you for doing everything you can to try to facilitate having a child but unfortunately your man just doesn't have what it takes at the moment and probably the more effort you are putting in to this cause is probably making him feel more stressed and therefore the more he hides behind the booze as a cover up for his own failings. Carry on having sex. It might just happen you never know.

drink like a full 18 can crate of beer in an evening

Fucking hell.

As the child of an alcoholic (and tbh I am surprised that as a nurse you think alcoholics are ONLY those who drink daily that it's ONLY if it's a physical dependency) I would urge you to please not have a child with this man until at the very least he gets help.

18 beers in one night indicates a very high tolerance, I'm not convinced he's not drinking daily anyway. Spending ESSENTIAL money on an addiction is also massively worrying (however sorry he claims to be)

I spoke to him earlier and said he has three options the first is that he wants a baby so he stops drinking starts taking meds second that he doesn't want a baby and that that's fine but he needs to ease up on the drinking the third is that he carries on and I walk away I was calm but firm whilst I explained the options he immediately said he did want a baby I told him that he should think about it over the next few days before he decided as I thought that he thinks he wants a baby but his behaviour says otherwise if he was unwilling to make any sacrifices as that is a big part of parenting now maybe I'm over reacting he holds down a very physical job works long hours and is otherwise usually responsible I don't feel like I am pressurizing him unduly but maybe that's what this is about gah confused!

and tbh I am surprised that as a nurse you think alcoholics are ONLY those who drink daily that it's ONLY if it's a physical dependency

In complete agreement with bacon. Doesn't have to be every day, and I say that as somebody who was involved with al anon a few years ago. There are different types of alcoholic.

I think you need to think again, OP. In the kindest possible way, I don't think it would be a good idea to have children with somebody like this, or even be in a relationship.

Maybe he has not just given up because he has found thus far that he can't ?? Maybe he is alcohol dependent, even if he doesn't drink every day, giving up drinking such vast amounts would be a massive, massive change.

Clinically an alcoholic is dependent I am not saying this isn't a problem it is hugely problematic but what he does is binge drinking I am 100% positive he doesn't drink daily I am also the child of an alcoholic father so have personal insight too hence my dislike of drinking he is a big guy so probably able to tolerate more physically for that reason although I wouldn't say he really tolerates it he is beyond drunk when he drinks

Clinically yea. Behaviourally, if drinking causes you problems and you carry on drinking; you have a drink problem. IME arguing semantics is what codependent people do.

"He drinks in the house on his own and will drink like a full 18 can crate of beer in an evening"
For most people that would end with a trip to A&E with alcohol poisoning . For that not to be the case for him, means he has been drinking that heavily for a very long time. His liver must be a real mess.

OP I think you need to stop using the narrowest of definitions of alcoholism, and considering him to be 'just' a heavy binge drinker - he's an alcoholic. He makes choices based on his need to have more alcohol. He talks the talk (about TTC and family finances) and then he walks straight to drink! In the time it has taken you to lose two stones (well done, BTW) he has done - nothing. Except drink. An in-depth discussion about how to meet your bills where bills are actually being deferred results in him stealing £60 from you to spend on alcohol. Why on earth would you deny that he is an alcoholic? Well, stupid question, I know why. And so do you. Because once you admit it, you're accepting that your plans for the future are effectively cancelled .

I'm sorry, but you need to deal with your reality, and that reality is that your husband is an alcoholic who will always put drinking at the top of his priorities. Above TTC, above paying the bills, above you.

Initially he did stop drinking for six months so he can give up I am questioning whether he wants to though! I have spent all day questioning myself as to if I should just walk away although that would be virtually impossible as have two children at home no cash until end of month and the house we live in is his! But is he just paying me lip service or should I give h i m the benefit of the doubt I feel he has eroded some of my trust I feel like in the past I haven't been as clear with him as I have tonight and maybe it will shock him into action as I believe he really does love me or am I fooling myself cos that's what I want to believe??

I'm so sorry, but yes. You're fooling yourself.

Yes he is paying you lip service.
No you should not give him the benefit of the doubt. (And there is no doubt.)
He may well love you. But he loves alcohol more.
Yes, and I'm really sorry, but you are fooling yourself.

I suppose that leaves me with the problem of how to extricate myself from the situation as realistically you are all telling me what I deep down already know!

Is he your husband? Legally? And have you contributed to the house?

Your DH is an alcohol abuser who has shown that he is quite prepared to use family money earmarked for bills and food to buy his beer.
As a nurse your well aware of this but you seem to be in denial. Do you really want a baby with this man or to expose your children to his behaviour? As you are married the house is joint, get some legal advice re your options.