AIBU to expect my Dh to stop drinking?

[Spermeetegg]

Ok so to put this in prospective we have been together for five years and trying for a baby for three years I have children from a previous marriage dh does not we paid privately to go to a fertility clinic where we had tests and found dh to have slightly abnormal sperm motility the consultant told dh to stop drinking and take a vitamin c and zinc complex and told me to loose weight dh is seven years younger than I am at nearly forty I feel time is against us (although my mum was 46 when she had my youngest sibling) to date I have lost almost two stone which is half way to my ideal weight and has been a hard slog dh only takes the tablets when I give them to him and we seem to constantly have the same conversation about his imo excessive drinking feel like I'm at the end of my tether!

Not legally married plus have no legal claim to house as deposit was his dad's and had to sign no claims document before bank would put mortgage through apparently it is quite common practice as at least four of the girls I work with had to do same when deposit was gifted! But doesn't really help now tbh he wouldn't just throw us out he's not like that but if I end the relationship how can we continue to live in the same house?!

So you get your paperwork together and get advice. You're in a union yes? There's also cab, gingerbread, lots of helpful people on mn.

It's always...frustrating to read that women have got themselves into a position where the roof over their (and their DC's) heads aren't secure. It shouldn't be allowed to happen - and I don't mean the women in the individual cases. I was one.

Op when I split from my ex I was one step from homeless with a toddler and no money, no support. You can get things sorted. At least you have a job and a wage coming in.

Actions speak louder than words. He's really got a problem and is also in denial it's a problem. The fact that you had an alcoholic father OP probably means you are more accepting of his behaviour than less.
Please fast forward in your mind to a years time. If things are the same how will you feel? What options do you have?

How to extricate yourself? Well I'd pay attention to the finances first. When you separate/divorce then you and your children will need somewhere to live. So you'll need deposit etc. You describe the house as his, but since you are married the house is considered an asset of the marriage - which means it's yours too.

You need to stop him running up debt in the meantime, he was sorry he stole the £60 from the bill account, could you get him to agree that to prevent a recurrence he has no access to this account? Cut his card up? Or that money for bills sits in your sole account?

And you need to get some contraception in place, be it the pill or abstinence; Sod's Law would sadly see you pregnant at the point it ceased to be a good idea . You my not feel the need, 3 years TTC unsuccessfully might convince you of that, but - Sod's Law.

I'm sorry it's come to this OP, but better now than later. Until he addresses his drinking, your relationship is going nowhere.

You can't carry on living together if you split up.

You may be eligible for state support eg tax credits, housing benefit if you move out.

Do you get maintenance from your older children's father?

I imagine the thought of moving out must feel very scary but it is possible.

What a weird thread.

Starting with trying for a baby as older parents.

To leaving partner.

In one fell swoop. Less than 2 pages in Aibu.

Bit drastic?

Why the hell would you want a baby with him? You are minimising his drinking but I don't know why. 18 cans at home on his own in an evening is shocking. A man in that state should not be in a house with a baby and young children. His priority is drinking not you and not a baby.

Are you nearly 40 OP? Or nearly 47?

Ah, not married. Bugger. No claim on the house then.

"if I end the relationship how can we continue to live in the same house?!"
Well, I've known it done but that was where there were no children, both parties accepted the relationship was over, and spent as little time in the house together as possible. They lasted a year that way, by then they'd saved enough to split totally.

I don't think it would be as clean for your situation. He'd probably go into denial that you were splitting. It would be emotionally punishing on you all, including the children.

Having said that, you might need to grit your teeth for a few months to get a deposit together. What was your housing situation before you got together with him?

How often does he binge drink 18 cans at home or come home rolling drunk?

Yes, ThroughThickAndThin01. Very strange. I wonder if the OP knows that the Mumsnet mantra in these situations is generally LTB and she is trying to appease the mob. Or she's beginning to think that if this one wont give her children, she needs to quickly find one who will.

It doesn't sound like you can afford another baby tbh.

Bringing a new baby into this mix is not going to solve anything.
In fact it will make the situation worse.
You are already struggling financially, your OH and you are not on the same page- how do you think a baby will help?

Op, speaking as an alcoholic myself, he isnt physically dependant on alcohol. But it is progressive. If he cannot reduce his drinking for something important to you both then he is choosing alcohol over that which is a warning sign to me. Have an honest discussion about whether this is what he really wants and if so he needs to put as much effort into it as you are. If he carries on i guess you have to make some tough decisions. You cant be left in limbo forever, its not fair on you.

So you live in a house you have no claim on, with your kids as well, he binge drinks and can't seem to stop.....and you are thinking of bringing another baby into this?

My grandad is an alcoholic (now in a home as has dementia) he gave up for 4/5 years at a time, he is still an alcoholic. Being able to stop for long periods doesn't mean you are not an alcoholic.

Fwiw, though, if I was giving my kids a deposit for a house I would make sure their partner couldn't have half if they split (obviously if they got married it may be different). I don't think that part is that unusual anymore. If my child was putting a deposit down on a house with someone else, I would encourage her to get it protected as well.

I think leaving is an overreaction. If this was a problem with him not loosing weight and binge eating then I think people would be more sympathetic, he probably tells himself he will cut down then falls off the wagon after a few. Yes it's problem behaviour but surely partners are supportive and help each other through.

From a quick google, this is a pretty good explanation of the spiral into increased dependence. Some others are very narrow and would have either hardly any person described as alcohol dependant (alcoholic) and others would at times have half the population as alcohol dependant.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-dependence/

Regular binge drinkers are often classed as alcoholics as well, which can be debated as alcoholism is not well defined. What I said is based on his compulsion to drink over all other considerations and is based on personal knowledge of heavy drinkers, not some text book definition. I do understand the clinical definition is someone, who regularly gets 30% or more of their calorie intake through alcohol generally in place of food.

I am a bit surprised at the announcement to leave him when he hasn't yet given you an answer. Please make sure this is what you want and not just what a bunch of strangers think. Or perhaps was this the final wake up call you needed to hear as he went back to drinking after 6 months dry.

And as Pearlman said, having a child with no legal protection to a roof over your head and no recourse to your input into the mortgage seems very strange to me too.

Binge drinking like this is not good. He is dependent on it whether he's like this just once a week, a month or every day. We mustn't make excuses for it. Would you leave a small child in his care if his main concern is booze? I have a friend who never goes over the limit in case her children need her - they're now in their mid-twenties!

If his main priority is booze - it's not sensible to have a child with him. And it doesn't matter if he's a happy drunk/sleepy drunk or a nasty drunk. Plus I believe it's a criminal offence to be in charge of a child when drunk which my sis and I thought hilarious when we were kids but it most definitely isn't funny. Don't make excuses for him - he's not ready to be a father and the children will suffer.

Dear god! Don't have kids with this man. For starters, he doesn't want one. You are not married, so it will be a lot easier to split than a divorce.

I've seen enough of alcoholism, however you wish to define it, to know that it comes in many shapes and sizes. It is still alcoholism op and I'm amazed that as a nurse you don't know that. I chose not to LTB (because he's not a bustard for starters) and it's worked out brilliantly - he's off it and we're happier than ever before. The issue here is that he needs to want children, then admit it's causing an issue and then deal with it before you stand a chance of 1. Becoming pregnant and 2. Bringing a child into three world who will not be witnessing alcohol abuse on a regular basis. That's a tall order given your age I'm afraid. I simply don't think he wants a baby enough to reduce his alcohol intake, sorry. My bil was the same. Still is, despite them now having 2 adopted children.

bastard

Look, the fact is that if you haven't got enough money for bills you shouldn't be having another child. You're an adult - use your brain. You already have children. Make the most of them.

please use full stops in your posts