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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH wants a bariatric op - I'm SO against

68 replies

Avidbookreader · 03/06/2016 13:06

He is very overweight, however I am concerned about a general anaesthetic given his weight, and after that how our life style will have to radically alter...
Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

HallowedMimic · 03/06/2016 13:09

Well the anaesthetist will assess his risk.

What lifestyle changes do you envisage having to make?

I'd say the decision rests with him, do you think there is any chance he'll lose the weight without surgery?

mrselizabethdarcy · 03/06/2016 13:12

I've had a gastic bypass 10 weeks ago. At my heaviest I was 28 stone . I lost a bit of weight before the op but was ok with the ga. I was obviously worried about the anasthetic because of my weight but they checked my heart etc before and I was fine. ..no complications.

I have found a new lease of life. It's the best decision I ever made and I have so much energy. I'm like a different person.

This is only my experience but feel free to pm me if you need any further information.

Hope it all works out for you both either way 😊

Original poster

Avidbookreader · 03/06/2016 13:14

Apparently he will only be able to eat the amount of the size of a golf ball, no drinking with food, and for the first six weeks it has to be liquidised... This will cut out meals with friends out at pubs/restaurants, and to be fair I gave up liquidising food when our kids were weaning!

He has tried (so he says) every diet in the book, but if I use his car, I regularly find crisp packets etc in the glove pocket...
I'm so worried, he insists I don't discuss this with anyone who knows us, so here I am hoping for some body to explain how we can carry on... Help!

OP posts:

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 03/06/2016 13:21

To be fair, if he reaches a point where his weight begins to seriously affected his health then pub meals with friends are likely to be curtailed, anyhow.

He's still going to have to find the discipline to stick to the food he's allowed, though.

Mouikey · 03/06/2016 13:25

I had a gastric bypass 7 years ago on the NHS. My weight was probably at the lowest end of the morbidly obese spectrum and I only just qualified. My parents were so worried about it (rightly so) as it is a huge operation that will impact the rest of your life. However think of what life will be like without it - I would have just got bigger and bigger, lost what little was remaining of my self esteem and would have been a massive burden on my husband, family and the NHS.

It was and still is (even on the bad days) the best thing I have ever done. Recovery is tough and the mental/emotional side is overwhelming at times but all the positive bits outweigh that.

But bear in mind it is not the miracle answer, all wls patients struggle for the rest of their lives with weight and food.

Go with him to the appointments and hear what the surgeon has to say, read and research and also watch some of the informative documentaries (fat dr was brilliant for me as it was set in the hospital I went to and with my consultant!!). If you are anywhere near the south, I can highly recommend St Richards in Chichester.

Again THIS IS NOT AN EASY OPTION, this is not a diet - this is for when you have tried everything (drugs, slimming world, weight watchers, Cambridge, lighter life etc etc) and there are no other option. It DOES NOT make him a failure, but pretty awesome to face up to it and do something about it.

there is an excellent Facebook group called wlsinfo which is UK based and there is a website of a similar name. do your research and keep an open mind, certainly challenge him, but don't make the decision for him because no doubt he is doing this for you and the family as well as himself xx

Original poster

Avidbookreader · 03/06/2016 13:27

Yes, Stickthe, that is another worry, as if he can't stick to a normal diet, then how is he going to stick to the food allowed? I just don't get how this is going to work at all... I know I am BU but I'm soo worried thst this will make me a mother to him (liquidising etc) rather than a wife...and I'm not ready for that yet!

OP posts:

PreciousVagine · 03/06/2016 13:29

Surely he can liquidise his own stuff? You won't have to mother him. Rather that than him getting bigger and it killing him or him getting depressed and hating life etc. But maybe pub meals with friends are more important?

WellErrr · 03/06/2016 13:29

But can't he liquidise his own food?

HallowedMimic · 03/06/2016 13:29

He is, presumably, capable of prepping his own food?

If he doesn't lose weight, you are far more likely to end up as his carer.

LIZS · 03/06/2016 13:29

Why would he be unable to liquidise his own food, or cook smaller portions for himself. If it is to be successful he needs to be ready and willing to take responsibility for his diet and eating habits.

Equiem89 · 03/06/2016 13:30

If he is hiding food and probably bingeing on it then no diet/operation in the world will change his attitude towards food. There might be a psychological reason for it

Emptynestx2 · 03/06/2016 13:31

I would feel the same as you OP, the worry and also the big change in your lifestyle will affect both of you. I would try everything to change his habits rather than go down this route.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/06/2016 13:31

Why would you be liquidising his food? Does he actually take any responsibility for what he eats? I wonder if that is part of the problem. He doesn't see his eating habits as his choice and responsibility. I am not judging (I am overweight myself) rather its something I have had to face up to as well. My food intake is my responsibility and nobody can fix it for me.

SouperSal · 03/06/2016 13:32

Was out with a relative who has had a bypass and a band. She ordered a normal breakfast and then after a few mouthfuls had to go and be sick. She had the surgery years ago and hasn't adjusted her mindset about food. She's sick several times a day.

It's not a miracle cure by any means.

Querty12345 · 03/06/2016 13:32

Does he want to die? If not then he's got to try. It must be so hard. But he's got to try. For his own self worth. I'm sure he wants to live a long and healthy life with you. If he gives this his best go then that is entirely possible. There are many success stories that should give him hope.

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2016 13:33

Why will you have to liquidise his food?

Will he be bedridden afterwards?

Mouikey · 03/06/2016 13:36

Ummm I liquidised very little and actually you can eat quite a lot of 'normal' stuff just liquidised. If he doesn't follow the rules there are consequences (research dumping syndrome!), he won't have a choice but to follow the rules - this is not a diet, you cannot turn it on and off.

Go with him to the appointments and find out about it, my OH and parents were the same but supporter my decsion, their concern was actually unfounded and they can't get over the positive impact there has been on my life.

whois · 03/06/2016 13:38

Your lifestyle will have to radically alter anyway to get his weight down otherwise he's going to end up suffering with serious Ill health and an early death.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/06/2016 13:38

Can't HE liquidise his own food?

Can't he come to meet friends at the pub and then just stop eating when he needs to?

If he can't then yes, he has to avoid situations that he might cave in, like the pub meals, and drinking that goes with it etc.

If you can't go on your own (which I'd understand) can you do other ways of socializing?

I know it must feel a bit rubbish having changes that effect you too, but don't you want him to be healthier? To be able to move around without difficulty? To have more energy? More self esteem too?

The bottom line is that your mutual lifestyle has been very unhealthy for your dh at least. If they are offering this surgery it means he has a high risk of heart failure, stroke, diabetes and yes, death.

Don't look on it as an end to fun. Look on it as saving your dh life, saving you from being a widow too soon, giving you more years of life together...

whois · 03/06/2016 13:39

He needs counselling tho and to get a grip on his eating habits - or he will cheat and fuck up the surgery result anyway. Referencing the secret crisps packets in the car.

Mouikey · 03/06/2016 13:39

Finally, my OH did not become my career / mother after surgery, I was quite capable of looking after myself and went back to work full time after 4-5 weeks (and probably 20lbs lost).

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/06/2016 13:40

I had a foster mum who had this. She did seem to change her eating habits for the first few weeks.

When foster dad went back to work, it seemed to change back. He worked nights and she'd go to bed with massive bars of chocolate or multipacks of crisps. She'd throw up in between eating it and be up most of the night throwing up, and then the next day, she'd say she needed the sugar because she had been up half the night.

Foster dad took us older children back to the surgeons appointment because he wasn't there, so he'd never seen her binge like we did. The surgeon said usually the family of the patient are the best judge of whether this type of treatment will work. They know the person best. That's stuck with me.

I'd be talking to him about why he thinks this will help, what will be different from previous dates, why is he smuggling crisps and eating them in the car in secret. Does he want to lose weight?

I'd also be making it clear what you will and won't be doing. Tell him you'll support him, if you will, and where the boundaries are to that - like not wanting to liquidise his food or be responsible for his portions.

Are you overweight? If you're not, I don't see why any of his diets should affect your social life. He can come to the pub and ask for a smaller portion or order a healthier choice, a lot of people do that.

BigMamaFratelli · 03/06/2016 13:41

You don't want him to improve his health and extend his life because you don't fancy liquidising his food? And you might have to adjust your lifestyle a bit? Doesn't sound very nice.

hesterton · 03/06/2016 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/06/2016 13:48

BigMama
A bit harsh. She is worried about the general anesthetic so I think we can assume that she cares if he lives or dies. I do think she has a right to look at how it will affect them both especially as her OH is not prepared to take responsibility for his own eating at the moment. Maybe she doesn't really feel that she has been given any say in the whole process and yet will have to change her life to accomodate it.

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