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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH wants a bariatric op - I'm SO against

68 replies

Avidbookreader · 03/06/2016 13:06

He is very overweight, however I am concerned about a general anaesthetic given his weight, and after that how our life style will have to radically alter...
Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 03/06/2016 13:52

I don't think that's the issue that the op is having. More like a concern over whether he'll take charge or whether he will expect to still have to make no effort.

PacificDogwod · 03/06/2016 13:52

Morbid obesity is likely a bigger risk to his health/life than a general anaesthetic tbh.

Has he had a conversation with an anaesthetist yet?
There is usually a huge preparatory run-up before the surgery.

Rather than trying another 'diet' or surgery, has he sought professional help?
Attended OvereatersAnonymous?
Looked at DietDoctor?

I agree that bariatric surgery will change what he can eat forever and it does carry its own risks. He should not see it as an easier option and it's certainly not a quick fix (weight loss can take 2 years to consolidate).

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 03/06/2016 13:54

That was to big mama.stupid phone is on a go slow.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 03/06/2016 13:54

OP, has he tried Slimming World? The group I go to has several men in it and they have been achieving great results. You do have to change your eating habits, but SW has worked for me and has been the only diet that ever has. I have lost 2 stone in 4 months, but could have lost more if I had not had a few lapses.

If you could persuade your OH to go and maybe go with him for support, would he give it a go? You can eat unlimited meat, pasta and fruit and veg so you can fill yourself up easily and also get your Syns for daily treats or to add sauces etc to meals.

But as always, as with any diet, the willpower not to eat bad stuff can only come from the person on the diet, no matter how much other support they get.

I was offered surgery a couple of years ago, but said no, and am finally achieving weight loss through SW. The NHS will even pay for some sessions (in some areas).

PacificDogwod · 03/06/2016 13:57

DietDoctor

TheVeryThing · 03/06/2016 13:58

I think YABU to be so against it without doing all the research, going to appointments etc with him.
What type of surgery is he considering?
My SIL had a sleeve gastrectomy last year and it has been life changing for her, without having a major impact on her family.
She still eats out, etc, just much smaller portions.
I think many people are against weight loss surgery in principle, without really understanding it. As far as I know, many doctors dealing with obesity are highlighting the enormous health benefits of this type of surgery.
That doesn't mean it's right for everyone but i think you should at least support him in exploring this option.

HildurOdegard · 03/06/2016 13:58

Which bariactric surgery are you referring to? I had a band and never had to liquidise anything.

HildurOdegard · 03/06/2016 13:59

FWIW, depending on which type you have, I'm not sure you even need a GA these days. I think, but am not certain, that a balloon can be done under sedation.

BigMamaFratelli · 03/06/2016 14:00

Yes probably a bit harsh Chaz . Point taken. And I didn't say the op didn't care if her DP lived or died. Im sure she does. She just seems to be concentrating a lot on how this will affect her, and I'm not sure that's really the point.

Haffdonga · 03/06/2016 14:01

Bariatric surgery was in the news only last week as proving yet again to save lives. Putting it frankly, your dh is more likely to be alive in 5 years time if he has this operation (assuming his doctors have recommended it) than if he doesn't. Is keeping your current lifestyle really worth the risk?

Sounds like your dh needs to radically alter his lifestyle whether he has the operation. (And by extension you will need to too if you share meals.) So worrying about that is irrelevant really. Why nor ask if you can attend his consultant appointment with him so you can ask the questions you are worried about?

And why not let him know that he will be in charge of his own diet entirely. So he will be the one shopping, blending and deciding on portion size. Putting him in control of his own is empowering to him and he will develop much more awareness of his own health than if you are feeding him.

PacificDogwod · 03/06/2016 14:01

Liquidising food is a big of a red herring - Mars bars are very liquidisable, that does not make them any less calorific.
Often the surgeon with support from dieticians will insist on at least 2 weeks on a VLC juice diet to reduce visceral fat and the size of the liver to make surgery easier and safer. It's not, from a technical point of view, easy to perform usually endoscopy surgery on somebody who is very overweight.

Backingvocals · 03/06/2016 14:02

I have two relatives who've had the bank/bypass respectively. The one with the band had to have it taken out because of an underlying medical condition. The one with the bypass has done really well - it's changed her life (probably ten years on now). It's been really hard and there were a lot of associated problems (hair loss for example) but I know she thinks its the best thing she's ever done.

I think the evidence is increasingly in favour of this approach for people with a chronic problem. But there is still a negative attitude that it is somehow the easy way out and that you should just have will power and all that stuff. You are not wrong to worry about the GA but his health is in danger as things stand so you need to balance up the risks.

Dozer · 03/06/2016 14:02

Yanbu to be worried about him, the risks and whether it will help him lose weight.

Yabu to be concerned about the impact on your social life (eg meals out): your partner has big health risks, what's more important?

Has he had any psychological support? There's a thread on MN at the moment about people who still have very problematic eating after the surgery so don't lose weight

PacificDogwod · 03/06/2016 14:03

On rereading your OP, has your OH actually seen anybody about this or is it just a matter of him musing out load?
Either way, I think you both need to have an awful lot more information about his options by the sounds of it.

clarrrp · 03/06/2016 14:03

Apparently he will only be able to eat the amount of the size of a golf ball, no drinking with food, and for the first six weeks it has to be liquidised... This will cut out meals with friends out at pubs/restaurants, and to be fair I gave up liquidising food when our kids were weaning!

Wow. Is this about his health or your social life?

MerryMarigold · 03/06/2016 14:03

OP, can I ask whether you are overweight as well.just wondering whether some of the negativity is from feeling challenged / forced to face things yourself / worried he may lose weight whilst you don't. It's just a thought...Sorry if totally wrong.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/06/2016 14:05

BigMama
I understand what you mean about her focus being on the impact on her. I wonder if that is a symptom of a wider issue of her OH not taking responsibility or looking for a quick fix. Or perhaps they both need to look at their lifestyle.

MaryMcCarthy · 03/06/2016 14:06

Your concern about liquidising food or not being able to have meals out with friends seems to trump the concern about him dying of a fat-induced heart attack or stroke. Truly bizarre.

NotdeadyetBOING · 03/06/2016 14:06

Would it not make sense for him to just take charge of his diet? Surgery seems so drastic given that he is an adult and capable of making sensible decisions about what to put in his mouth, if he so chooses and with the right support.

HappiestMummyAlive · 03/06/2016 14:07

You should be encouraging him to have it, you say he is "very overweight" I hope you're aware that he could die early because of his size.

lljkk · 03/06/2016 14:08

I could go to restaurants & nibble on salad leaves while socialising (actually I have done this, when I just wasn't hungry).

Why can't he liquidise his own food for 1st 6 weeks? And only then, never afterwards or the whole surgery is pointless.

If he's very keen then I would be researching for him to lay out what it means & how hard he MUST prepare to have a chance of surgery at all, & how he would have to live afterwards forever. The post-op risks are high if he doesn't follow instructions.

PacificDogwod · 03/06/2016 14:09

My v ancient demented gran had her food liquidated the last few years of her life (she was 101) and it did not impact on whatever we ate - I really don't see which shape or form he takes his food in for 6 weeks as a huge issue. And of course he can work a blender, can he not?? Seeing that HE is keen to reduce he weight and HE is going to do something about it, right?

If that is not his attitude and he is hoping he can sit back and somebody else (a surgeon) will fix his weight problem, he will have a terrible time of it.

I have seen people do very well with various kinds of bariatric surgery, I have seen a few people with complications and I have seen people who regained all the weight they might have initially lose (see above re liquidised Mars bars…)

Katastrophe13 · 03/06/2016 14:10

My friend had this surgery a few years ago. She has lost an amazing amount of weight and kept it off. The liquid diet is only for a short while. He would be able to eat normally again after a while just in smaller portions. My friend eats out at restaurants, but she just has a starter which she eats when everyone else is having their main. He really should have counselling though, as if he is physically unable to eat as much his addiction could move onto something else e.g. Alcohol. Also he would need to take a lot of supplements for the rest of his life. It is a major decision, and you both need all the facts before deciding to go ahead. It can be life changing, but it will be hard and he will need you to be supportive, so you both need to understand all that's involved.

branofthemist · 03/06/2016 14:10

It's not up to you. The doctors will check out his risks of having the OP etc.

Then it's his decision to make.

My auntie has a gastric band. She prepared her own food and still comes to events. She isn't missing out on anything. She just eats less.

fourquenelles · 03/06/2016 14:11

OP if he continues on the path he is already on and gets bigger and bigger you will end up mothering him anyway ie. having to wipe his bottom for him and clean and dry all his crevasses. My DSis had a sleeve before Christmas and has lost 6 stone so far. She doesn't liquidise anything just has very small portions, has water at restaurants when out rather than food and drinks one latte over the course of a couple of hours. Liquidising can be a very bad thing too as I know someone who liquidises cakes and chocolate!

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