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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend coming to stay with new baby

66 replies

user1464837504 · 02/06/2016 04:49

Quite the dilemma weighing on my mind...have joined mumsnet as I cannot find any other forum for advice!

After moving away over a year ago, I strongly encouraged a good friend and her husband to come and visit us in our new place for a holiday. Its a 4 hour flight away from them. They always said they would try...never did...and have now had their first baby.

My friend recently got in touch, dying to finally take us up on the offer of staying with us for a week, for a holiday with the new baby.

In discussions around dates and logistics I have mentioned the fact that we are not at all set up to cater for a new baby, and asked what she had planned to bring with her, and asked what she might need me to help arrange from my end.
It became apparent she'd not really thought much about it at all. She made vague comments about checking the airline to see if they were allowed extra baggage, and also about contacting places you could hire cots etc. I made vague comments about asking around work to see if there was anything I could borrow. We've not arranged anything further than that.

So, to the point, how much is my responsibility as host? How much is her responsibility as parent of new baby?
Even with my limited knowledge of baby accessories I can at least guess they'll need a pram, car seat, cot, bath tub thing...AIBU to not want to source all this stuff? I certainly can't afford to hire it for her...I don't know anyone to borrow these things from at all as it turns out.

I am really looking forward to the visit, and having the baby stay is of no concern whatsoever. I'm just confused about the etiquette of setting things up for them, and how much effort each of us should be making.

OP posts:

Motherfuckers · 02/06/2016 04:52

How new is the baby? They don't actually need that much. It is, of course, her responsibility to provide for her own baby, but as an overseas host, I have often asked friends/colleagues/neighbours for stuff. I don't put myself out too much though.

Motherfuckers · 02/06/2016 04:54

Also carseats and strollers are not counted in baggage allowance.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2016 05:03

They don't need anything much. Sling or buggy from home, car seat the same, co-sleep and bath with mum/dad. Babies were ok for thousands of years before all the accessories!

Lules · 02/06/2016 05:03

Yeah she can bring a car seat and pram on the plane. A baby bath is not essential. So it's only a travel cot she'll need and if one of your colleagues has one (lots of people do) then that's sorted

Original poster

user1464837504 · 02/06/2016 05:05

Thanks!
Baby will be around 6 months by the time they get here.
I think if I volunteer to arrange to cot (impossible to bring on a plane) that would be a good conversation opener to discuss arrangements she's made/needs to make for pram and car seat?

OP posts:

Sorebigtoes · 02/06/2016 05:05

I woild expect her to bring car seat and pram with her. You don't need a bath tub - babies can be washed with a flannel or dunked in the sink. The only thing I, as host, would think about is a cot. There are some super light travel cots for tiny babies that she could bring with her (and it is really her responsibility to provide, tbh). But if you want to help, can you get a cheap travel cot? Second hand is ok with a new mattress (and I tend to put a thicker mattress in than the one that comes with the travel cot, because they aren't usually v comfy).

Original poster

user1464837504 · 02/06/2016 05:06

Oh thanks, you guys are quick, I only saw the last two posts after my last one!

OP posts:

Sorebigtoes · 02/06/2016 05:07

Cross posts. I wouldn't even discuss car seat/pram with her. i don't know anyone who wouldn't take their own.

Original poster

user1464837504 · 02/06/2016 05:10

Thanks so much everyone, I will find a cot. Thanks for the advice re mattress too. Looking forward to the visit.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2016 05:10

When I flew to visit family when DD was a baby (more than once) she co-slept. They're away from home, maybe jet-lagged and need you. My mum sorted a crib but it went unused.

Atenco · 02/06/2016 05:16

Yeap, you don't even need a cot.

Caterina99 · 02/06/2016 05:25

I've flown a few times to visit family and friends with DS. Whenever I've travelled, the only thing I've needed is a cot. I took my own car seat and stroller on the plane, and I have a travel highchair thing that folds up really small.

I wouldn't expect a child free friend to provide a travel cot though, so unless you can easily borrow one from someone and offer to do this, it should be her responsibilty to organise it. You can actually get some really light ones that are designed for travel, or the baby may co sleep anyway. Just ask your friend. Surely she knows you don't have kids and so don't have any equipment!

One thing I did do was have a delivery of nappies and formula sent directly to my hosts house so that I didn't have to bring loads with me.

selsigfach · 02/06/2016 05:26

Gosh, no way would I be buying a cot and mattress for a baby! She can have baby lying flat in her pram if she's bringing one or in the bed with her. So long as she knows that there isn't a cot, she can make her own arrangements.

Janecc · 02/06/2016 05:51

I'd be finding out if the pram is lie flat and suitable for sleeping in before I went to the trouble of getting a travel cot. Some are some aren't. And if for example she's got one and she's already put it into into buggy mode she could just swap it back for the duration if baby still fits in. This will depend on the make of the pram and the size of her baby.

Just having a look at eBay travel cots are £33-35 for a basic one new. But that shouldn't be for you to buy. We had some people, who came over to see us in the car and arrived and saw we didn't have a travel cot and went out and got one. We didn't have kids and we were doing a party for 35 people, not putting them up for the weekend. They had their own bedroom of course and a single bed in the room that I assumed they could have put the mattress on the floor or co sleep. The kid was over 1 so I was surprised at the time but now know that co sleeping is not to be mixed with alcohol.

Janecc · 02/06/2016 05:54

I meant they had a large double and a single!

Janecc · 02/06/2016 05:56

Or borrow a camp bed and sleeping bag for one parent and other co sleep with Baby.

Mistigri · 02/06/2016 06:01

As a host I think I'd expect to provide somewhere for all invited guests to sleep, so I'd borrow or buy a travel cot - it's likely that you'll be able to borrow one off a friend or colleague with kids, but if not they are cheap to buy.

I'd also expect to make sure that the house is safe for a baby (a 6 month old may be mobile), so depending on how your house is laid out you might think about getting a stairgate.

Everything else is the guests' responsibility.

DayOfMaypoles · 02/06/2016 06:02

I'd provide a travel-cot, you can get one for around £10. I might look into borrowing a high-chair or Bumbo too as presumably her baby is now weaning.

Everything else she can bring with her. Things like nappies/baby food pouches she can buy when she arrives.

SusanAndBinkyRideForth · 02/06/2016 06:04

My kids always just had a sling (no buggy) and bedshared (so no cot). Babies travel really easily:)

Wizzles · 02/06/2016 06:22

This is interesting as I'm planning on going to stay with a friend with my baby. I don't think this is me you're talking about as some details are different.

I wouldn't dream of expecting my friend to provide a cot (or anything else) for the baby. It's my baby, so I bring her accessories! If my friend offers to get anything then that would be lovely, but I wouldn't expect her to. I plan to bring my own stuff with me.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/06/2016 06:34

Our travel cot came free from gumtree. There's a new one (albeit with an open box) on Amazon for £27. I'd try to get her a sheet (just an adult flat one would be fine) but would expect her to provide blankets.

It's also really useful if you can beg/borrow/steal a highchair. The £12 ones from IKEA are great (so much better than travel highchairs) but we got one of those free too from gumtree.

If there are any local Facebook groups it's worth asking on there. I saw someone giving away a really good pushchair the other day. I'd expect her to provide pushchair and car seat though.

We went on holiday to a hotel with a 6 month old. We took car seat and pram and travel high chair. Hotel provided cot.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/06/2016 06:37

Definitely talk to her about what she wants/needs.

If you can buy baby supplies with the weekly shop, that might be useful. Depends on how fussy she is. I'm happy with any brand of nappies/wipes for example. It's also been helpful when friends have bought in the first day or two's worth of food. When my baby was that age, I'd have been delighted if you presented me with a sweet potato and a banana. I might have checked whether you had a blender/masher available.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/06/2016 07:12

I would never expect a friend to provide anything! I stayed with a friend a while ago with my then 5mo and as I knew she had had a bedside cot with her dc (2y older than mine), I just asked her if she still had it and if so, if she'd mind setting it up on the guest bed. If she hadn't, sorting something would of course have been my responsibility. There are super-light 'pop-up' travel cots your friend can bring (I find conventional travel cots far too heavy and impractical) which can go on the bed next to her for safe co-sleeping.

Phineyj · 02/06/2016 07:25

Once you know if she needs anything, do try Facebook/Gumtree/Freecycle locally as in my experience there's more baby stuff around than homes for it - people are keen to get rid! We travelled quite a lot with DD at that age and got a mattress from Amazon for the travel cot quite cheaply and also got a piece of sponge cut to the size of the pram (also very cheap) so DD could use the pram top to sleep in e.g. in sleeper trains. Have also improvised with rolled up blankets in a normal bed. Have also posted ahead nappies, wipes, formula and food pouches to holiday destination.

A pressure fit stair gate may be a good idea, as nearly everything else can be improvised, but it makes for a very unenjoyable visit to spend all of it worrying about LO falling/rolling down stairs.

Phineyj · 02/06/2016 07:51

Also, you may find taxi services that serve the airport will provide a car seat, with notice (this was the case when we took baby DD to Austria). So if you don't plan to drive them about during your visit, that's one possible solution. Lugging a car seat for a short trip is a bit of a pain, unless it is one of the sort that clips to the pram wheels, but then you don't have the pram part for the baby to sleep in. Car seats also come in two sorts, isofix and the kind you attach using the car seat belt. Isofix requires the car to have the right docking station (most recent cars do). Bear in mind if you have a small vehicle, that you may not be able to get a car seat plus two adults in the back.

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