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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend coming to stay with new baby

66 replies

user1464837504 · 02/06/2016 04:49

Quite the dilemma weighing on my mind...have joined mumsnet as I cannot find any other forum for advice!

After moving away over a year ago, I strongly encouraged a good friend and her husband to come and visit us in our new place for a holiday. Its a 4 hour flight away from them. They always said they would try...never did...and have now had their first baby.

My friend recently got in touch, dying to finally take us up on the offer of staying with us for a week, for a holiday with the new baby.

In discussions around dates and logistics I have mentioned the fact that we are not at all set up to cater for a new baby, and asked what she had planned to bring with her, and asked what she might need me to help arrange from my end.
It became apparent she'd not really thought much about it at all. She made vague comments about checking the airline to see if they were allowed extra baggage, and also about contacting places you could hire cots etc. I made vague comments about asking around work to see if there was anything I could borrow. We've not arranged anything further than that.

So, to the point, how much is my responsibility as host? How much is her responsibility as parent of new baby?
Even with my limited knowledge of baby accessories I can at least guess they'll need a pram, car seat, cot, bath tub thing...AIBU to not want to source all this stuff? I certainly can't afford to hire it for her...I don't know anyone to borrow these things from at all as it turns out.

I am really looking forward to the visit, and having the baby stay is of no concern whatsoever. I'm just confused about the etiquette of setting things up for them, and how much effort each of us should be making.

OP posts:
crazywriter · 02/06/2016 13:39

Her responsibility but you could help if you wanted. My wee one will be 6 months when we fly. She doesn't get a baggage allowance (will share with her sister) but does get a car seat and buggy. Also taking her sling. We're taking a travel cot as extra baggage (or as the third bag I'd DH and I can work out hoe to share a bag too.

drspouse · 02/06/2016 13:59

If she is coming from overseas the car seats in her country may not be legal in the UK. Regulations are different. You don't want to be driving a baby around in your car, illegally.

But that is also something that a colleague may have. Especially if they have a slightly older baby who has just grown out of one.

Many, many people have a travel cot they can lend. I think it's not that reasonable to expect people to co-sleep with their baby, actually. We'd never have got any sleep if we had and neither would either baby (despite both of them sharing a room with us for at least 6 months and longer when on holiday).

We've travelled internationally with all ages of baby and we often buy a cheap booster seat/travel cot/car seat on arrival. You can actually check a travel cot in as checked luggage but that's more useful if you're staying in a rental place that isn't set up for children.

So maybe you could offer to try and source these three items (high chair/booster seat, cot and car seat that is OK for the UK) but warn her if you can't get them in time, you're happy to drive her to a baby shop on arrival (we have left one parent at the airport with a child to go and get a car seat, in the past).

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 14:06

If she is coming from overseas the car seats in her country may not be legal in the UK. Regulations are different. You don't want to be driving a baby around in your car, illegally

Where overseas might that be? And its still the parents thing to deal with.

Emptynestx2 · 02/06/2016 14:10

I think the simplest way is to message her and say "can't wait to see you, is there anything you would like me to try and borrow for the baby". Hopefully she will have already thought about what she can and can't bring! Have a lovely time with your friends!

drspouse · 02/06/2016 14:23

Hodooor The US/Canadian regulations aren't compatible with the EU regulations, for example. US car seats have a chest clip and they are illegal here. You may have seen various videos about children's safety in various positions/accidents/not adjusting seats properly/wearing coats, that go the rounds in the web, and most of them show children in (UK-illegal) US car seats with chest clips.

I agree that it would be her responsibility and it's often cheaper to buy a new car seat on landing than to rent one with a rental car, but if the OP is driving her and the car seat the friend owns is illegal in the UK, and the OP can borrow one by simply asking a work colleague, it would be kind.

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 14:29

Nowhere in the US or Canada is a 4 hour flight from the UK.

whois · 02/06/2016 14:34

Nowhere in the US or Canada is a 4 hour flight from the UK.

I was just about to say the same thing!

OP your friend can bring or buy everything - would be nice if you could source a travel cot but thats it.

No way jose should you be fucking about with a stair gate or anything.

drspouse · 02/06/2016 14:36

I didn't read that bit but I'm also not familiar with the car seat regulations of every single world country (and clearly neither are PPs as they are disbelieving that car seat regulations aren't universal). It's not a stretch to think that there might be other countries that have car seat regulations that aren't the same as the UK.

And does the OP even say that she is in the UK?

WriteforFun1 · 02/06/2016 14:45

I don't think any of this your responsibility

I very much have an open door for friends but I think it is their job to sort out all the baby stuff.

jo2107 · 02/06/2016 14:45

If staying with friends/relatives i'd say it's her responsibility to provide all those things. I have a travel cot ready for when we'll be doing family/friends weekends away. Wouldn't dream of asking them to provide one.
If she booked a holiday you can usually get a cot provided but nothing else, you'd take your own pushchair/bath etc and either take your own car seat or include one in the hire car.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/06/2016 15:09

I wouldn't expect to provide anything but it would be helpful if you had a cot to save them bringing a travel cot.

I never co slept with the DC as babies and never wanted to - certainly wouldn't be an option for me.

A high chair would be useful if you could borrow one.

Everything else is very portable and it's up to them if they want to bring a load of toys, baby toys/gym etc.

n0ne · 02/06/2016 16:49

I'd feel a bit weird if I turned up at a childless mate's house and they'd gotten a load of baby gear for my child. It's absolutely not your responsibility. Babies don't actually need that much - I second the pp who said babies prefer to co-sleep when away from home, so no cot required.

OohMavis · 02/06/2016 16:54

When we had our friends who live abroad come to stay with their baby, I moved DS' bed into our bedroom and made a room for them. Double Z-bed, cleared out DS' chest of drawers, got a rocking chair off freebay (she was breastfeeding) and bought a cheap travelcot for the baby.

They didn't end up using the travelcot, just had the baby in with them, but everything else was really appreciated.

They brought stroller and carseat with them.

OohMavis · 02/06/2016 16:55

Oh yes and we dug out DS' old highchair too. Also really appreciated.

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 17:42

And does the OP even say that she is in the UK?

No. But you're the one talking about UK seat regulations, so you assume she is. She could be anywhere.
But who cares where, because obviously the parents will sort out their own car seat should they think they need one.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/06/2016 20:31

I've never hired a car seat with a car but I've heard it can cost nearly as much as the car hire and seats might not be great.

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