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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really? Am I?

109 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 01/06/2016 23:58

Ok so I'm really really not sure if IABU or not.
I'm a SAHM to DD3. DH works long hours and mon-fri we don't see him much. He's an excellent hands on dad the rest of the time and never have any issues, happy marriage etc.
Sooooo now onto the issue. Whenever we've done something new with DD for the first time, we've always made sure we're both their to experience it ie. Zoo, farm, cinema etc etc. There's been one or two things that I've just done on my own or DH has because maybe the other parent isn't as interested in doing it ie. I hate bowling. Never really had any problems with this its just been an understanding between us. As a SAHM I've been offered to do certain things with friends and if it's something that I know DH would want to be there for the first time I've declined (there's only one or two occasions I can actually think that this has happened and they were both things that we then went and did all together).

No for my AIBU. DH is sitting on the couch tonight with a big smile on his face, I say what's up, turns out that another dad he works with has two extra tickets to go to the theatre and has asked DH if he would like to go with DD. I said well hold on she's never been to the theatre before and that's something I would really like to be there for. He says well so I'm not allowed to go. I said well I'm not telling you what to do but how would you feel if it was something that you cared about, it's the first time and tbh I didn't even know there were shows like this for her age. I'm quite upset because I don't think he should have put me in this position, I think he should have asked me if I would like to go and if I said yes just declined the ticket, that's what I would have done. Now it's like I'm the controlling DW/DM who won't let him take DD out. I probably should mention that he doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise with his friends just because we spend our weekends as family time mainly. AIBU?

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:33

Trying enjoy your trip to the panto and your new-found freedom to accept invitations without unnecessary discussion.

clarrrp · 02/06/2016 01:34

Yeah. I agree that you're being unreasonable here. I get that you want to be involved and do things together, but yuo maybe don't realise how many 'firsts' you have got to have because you are with her all the time while he isn't, and not only that, but I really think that kids need quality time with each parent independent of the other. You get that all day every day, all he wants is a couple of hours.

SpaceUnicorn · 02/06/2016 01:36

Op' username is telling

Oh, the irony, iknownuffink Grin

Snazarooney · 02/06/2016 01:37

You will do way more firsts over the years if you're at home and he works long hours. Book a massage, hair app, meet your friends for lunch etc and make the most of the break.

byjimminey · 02/06/2016 01:38

If going to the theatre is classed as a first then pretty much everything in the world is a first as far as Im concerned! im sure you'll look back at this one day and laugh.

MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:42

Um OP I was actually sticking up for you.

I thought APlace was going OTT in what she was saying about your husband.

OP - you said in your own first post that it was probably worth mentioning that he doesn't see his mates much which is the only reason why I brought it up! Confused

waitingforsomething · 02/06/2016 01:44

Yab super super U. What a lovely activity for your dd to do with her dad. There will be a lot of firsts

MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:47

Aaargh, now I see that your post at 01:28 was to iknownuffink. I thought you were saying "I know..." to the poster before you who was taking issue with I'd said. So many crossed wires.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:47

Margot I know!! If your speaking about my last post I was referring to iknownuffink... And if your referring to my post explaining about my DH and his friends I was just explaining that I don't stop him from doing anything with his friends. I've just gotten a right bashing from a lot of people so maybe being a bit defensive, sorry if I offended Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:51

Yep was to iknownuffink who felt the need to express her feeling of sorry for my much loved DD and to criticise my username which actually is in reference to the fact that I'm in my late 20s but feel about 40

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:51

Not at all. I didn't mean it to sound like he has no life! I'm sorry you've had a bashing. You should totally talk things over with your DH if that's the way you work it Smile - you know your marriage better than us randoms on the internet.

MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:54

Ignore her/him - it was a ridiculous comment. Your DD is lucky to have two very involved parents. People should save their pity for kids being abused and God knows what else.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:54

DH is downstairs and I thought I'd update that I just texted him saying this (yes texted because I'm freezing, DD has already woken up once and don't want to risk her being disturbed again and because I know he's working and don't want to get into a discussion)

I was being silly earlier, take her and have fun. I think sometimes were both to focussed on things that she does with or without us. She'll have firsts her whole life some will be with both of us, some with one of us and some with neither of us. As long as we're both fair to each other and she doesn't miss out that's all that matters xx

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:57

Good.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:57

margot thank you!! Talking things out always works best for us as we're both quite direct people. I thought this would be a tiny thread with a few comments, can't believe how many people were interested!! I realise now how silly we've been!

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:59

Am gald you've got it sorted in your head. Dd will love the theatre Smile.

Just5minswithDacre · 02/06/2016 02:37

This all sounds completely exhausting. Relax a bit.

dogdrifts · 02/06/2016 02:52

I forced dh to take the three kids to the theatre. It was the Wiggles. Jus' sayin'. There was no way I was going.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2016 04:27

Ha. Glad you got it sorted but I suspect that it's not going to be as much fun as your DH thinks it might - theatre at that age can be a bit strenuous!

We took DS1 to Disney on Ice at around that age, he got bored halfway through and became a right PITA. We also took him to see the live show of How To Train Your Dragon (like Walking with Dinosaurs) at 4, and he got bored halfway through that too, despite it being his favourite film and having a new dragon toy to play with etc. (Ideally I'd have preferred to wait a year longer to take him, but the run was starting in Australia and wouldn't have come back for years, if ever, so it had to be then or possibly never).

So if I were you, I'd take this opportunity to just have a nice evening to yourself and enjoy the fact that your DH will have to deal with any boredom issues! Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2016 04:28

And dogdrifts - am impressed you got your DH to go to the Wiggles at any price - you couldn't get me there and DH would sooner shoot himself! If anyone was going to take our boys it would have to be grandma...

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2016 07:17

Now it's like I'm the controlling DW/DM who won't let him take DD out.

You are.

Sparklingbrook · 02/06/2016 07:34

Both parents being present for all the 'firsts' isn't really sustainable is it?

I like theatre but the thought of taking a 3 year old? I would gladly swerve that. Grin

youarenotkiddingme · 02/06/2016 08:00

Clearly you and DH have tried to high be there for firsts and big events. It's obviously worked for a time, you've declined things and perhaps not told DH.

But it's clear this isn't working for you anymore. what can work now though is a move forward as you've recognised YABU but recognised you've also put yourself in that position.

DD will benefit far more from quality time from each parent and time with a greater social circle of different friends than always being with mum and dad iyswim?

Now the important bit - what are you going to do with the few hours time off you have that's for you.

pictish · 02/06/2016 08:01

As a SAHM I've been offered to do certain things with friends and if it's something that I know DH would want to be there for the first time I've declined

How absolutely silly. Sorry. You are approaching this from the wrong angle and making it all about you (the parents) than about your child's access to opportunities.

Yes yabu. Don't be so self involved and precious and put your child first.

pictish · 02/06/2016 08:03

Sorry I didn't see your update OP. Good for you...that's more like it.

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