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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really? Am I?

109 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 01/06/2016 23:58

Ok so I'm really really not sure if IABU or not.
I'm a SAHM to DD3. DH works long hours and mon-fri we don't see him much. He's an excellent hands on dad the rest of the time and never have any issues, happy marriage etc.
Sooooo now onto the issue. Whenever we've done something new with DD for the first time, we've always made sure we're both their to experience it ie. Zoo, farm, cinema etc etc. There's been one or two things that I've just done on my own or DH has because maybe the other parent isn't as interested in doing it ie. I hate bowling. Never really had any problems with this its just been an understanding between us. As a SAHM I've been offered to do certain things with friends and if it's something that I know DH would want to be there for the first time I've declined (there's only one or two occasions I can actually think that this has happened and they were both things that we then went and did all together).

No for my AIBU. DH is sitting on the couch tonight with a big smile on his face, I say what's up, turns out that another dad he works with has two extra tickets to go to the theatre and has asked DH if he would like to go with DD. I said well hold on she's never been to the theatre before and that's something I would really like to be there for. He says well so I'm not allowed to go. I said well I'm not telling you what to do but how would you feel if it was something that you cared about, it's the first time and tbh I didn't even know there were shows like this for her age. I'm quite upset because I don't think he should have put me in this position, I think he should have asked me if I would like to go and if I said yes just declined the ticket, that's what I would have done. Now it's like I'm the controlling DW/DM who won't let him take DD out. I probably should mention that he doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise with his friends just because we spend our weekends as family time mainly. AIBU?

OP posts:
AvaCrowder · 02/06/2016 00:20

Have you got one dd who is 3, there's no way this is your third child? YABU

Let them go, then take her to see the Northern Lights or something.

Just have fun, when they go out have some fun too.

leopardgecko · 02/06/2016 00:23

Oh how very, very sad to deny your DD with a fun one to one experience with her dad. YABU, and also very selfish too.

FantasticRik · 02/06/2016 00:23

YABU

ijustwannadance · 02/06/2016 00:23

I agree with everyone else. YABU. And ridiculous.
My DD's first trip to the theatre was to see a panto with her grandparents. I was just thankful I didn't have to bloody sit through it!
Let them go and enjoy the peace.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/06/2016 00:24

MrsJoey is right, it does seem to be all about you and you getting to share things/see things with your dd for the first time, what about her? She would probably enjoy this, it would be a nice thing for them to do alone, your dh was clearly excited and you totally rained on his parade. I would be pissed off if I were your dh. I really think you are way over thinking "the firsts" too. I know you didn't mean to be but you have acted pretty selfishly, apologise and share in the excitement with your dd and then enjoy some time to yourself

Pinkheart5915 · 02/06/2016 00:24

Yabu. You won't be able to be present at every first for the rest of your child's life.

VimFuego101 · 02/06/2016 00:25
MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 00:27

YABU. As pp say, don't have your DC missing out on stuff just because you both have to watch her experience it.

Also I know it wasn't what you were asking about but it seems a shame and a bit stifling that your DH doesn't get to see much of his friends as he's at work then the weekends are 'family time'. Yes, it's nice to spend together as a family but also good to catch up with your mates and have a chat and a laugh.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 00:30

YABU but look on the bright side from now on, you don't have to wait for your DH - you can accept invites when they come up.

I understand why it would chafe a bit that you felt you both had a tacit agreement and that agreement has inconvenienced you but it's not inconveniencing your DH. Well, now you know, it's not really an agreement so don't feel martyred by it.

also if its any consolation there are lots of theatre shows for different ages so you'll still have a 'theatre first' iyswim eg the first Peppa Pig; the first show that uses puppets; the first panto

TheUnsullied · 02/06/2016 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 00:32

YABU to not want him to take her without you, unless it was a show that you had already wanted to go to and planned to see, but from what you have said that is not the case. However, he is equally BU if he doesnt want you to take her to things without him.

So now he has made it clear that he is happy for you to do new things with her seperately then you should stop refusing invites.

RedToothBrush · 02/06/2016 00:32

Your daughter is missing out on things because you two grown adults have a bit of a competition/jealously complex over the fact that you can't cope if the other adult misses out.

Right ok then.

Do you not realise how ridiculous this is?

Bogeyface · 02/06/2016 00:33

The point has been made Unsullied, no need to be so nasty.

ladymariner · 02/06/2016 00:34

Do you really need to ask???? Yes, Yabvu, surely you can see that? Get over yourself.

And while you're at it, let him socialise with his mates every so often if he wants to.....do you control every aspect of his life??

PerspicaciaTick · 02/06/2016 00:35

I took my DS to the theatre at about 3yo. I wish I had left that joy to DH as DS made loud comments throughout (and we were sat at the front) about how he didn't like it and it wasn't very good. Then, as the applause at the end died away while the cast stood feet from us, bowing, he declared very loudly "Well, we won't be doing that again". I was absolutely mortified.
Five years later and DS still refuses to go back.

Anyhoo - just agreeing with pps saying about your DD being a person in her own right (with her own enjoyments) and not just an entertainment for you and your DH.

TheUnsullied · 02/06/2016 00:37

I'll post how I like ta Bogey. I'm not spitting venom at the OP or attacking her personally. Just being more brusque than some others have been. "Put your dummy back in" is not a nasty thing to say where I am, just a reminder to be a grown up.

Asprilla11 · 02/06/2016 00:37

OP - If the reason for posting was to see how many people would vote one way then it's been success, 100% have said the same thing.

It's just a pity it was the wrong answer for you Grin

HemanOrSheRa · 02/06/2016 00:38

Crumb bums. It all sounds exhausting Confused. Just let DH take DD out. And relaaaaaaxxxxxxxxxx

RegentsParkWolf · 02/06/2016 00:39

Ouch OP, you've had a bit of a pasting here! I guess you've probably got the message so hopefully people will back off a bit now.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 00:39

fgs the OP doesn't say she chains her DH to the house so why are posters assuming the fact they have family time means it's enforced? OP is bringing up their DD on her own most of the time, if they're all having family time, she's not getting a break either. Why is no-one jumping up and down in outrage about that? Confused

OP I have no idea what show your DD is going to see but for the future, I would heartily recommend Charlie and Lola they are fab and when she is a bit older: Dinosaur Zoo.They are completely different theatre experiences for a tot.

Iknownuffink · 02/06/2016 00:43

Is this a wind up?

If not, OP, you are behaving like a precious princess.

FructoseTart · 02/06/2016 00:50

WOW

YABVVVVVU!!

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 00:52

Woooow ok totally get the point here, thanks to everyone that has been constructive.

I think it started because when she was little and actually starting to do things DH got very upset that he was going to miss out on so much so I was just always trying to be considerate, he missed and misses so much so wanted him to always be there for he firsts.

He has taken her to a few things without me for the first time because they've not been things that I was that bothered about but I think i was just upset because theatre is something i do really enjoy and know that she will. I wasn't trying to suggest she would miss out, I just wanted to be there aswell but i can see what people are saying here and i take it onboard. To the pps that pointed out that this can be a way to end the sillyness of all this pressure with the firsts, your right and now I can feel free to do as i please aswell. I will chat to DH in the morning as I did just try and speak to him but he's still annoyed.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 02/06/2016 00:53

It sounds a very regimented way of doing things with no room for spontaneity just in case you or your dh miss out on a 'first' and that makes it more about the two of you than your dd.

I think you both need to relax as your dd is already missing out on doing things with other children/families because of this rule.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 02/06/2016 00:53

OK. I'll be the salmon😁 YA NOT BU

You BOTH made a big deal about doing her firsts together, you have turned down opportunities to do things with her with friends so your DH could be there to share 'the first'. Now he's not showing you the same consideration. Plus he's either being stupid or smug - not sure which.

However, your family dynamic would send me screaming into the hills (sorry). I just can't take that much 'mountain', I prefer my 'molehill'. There are some things that are (to me at least) firsts that are special but mostly 'achievements' or 'happenings' (crawling/walking) and its chance if you see them or not and a few things like first day at school, riding a bike that are quite special that I'd hate to miss out on, BUT not to the point I'd stop it happening if I couldn't be there at the time. But you two are making a career out of firsting! Zoo/Cinema/Bowling/Theatre...I hate to think what else 😁 When do you plan on stopping this? It's highly impractical and as soon as anyone else looks after her, totally out if your hands.