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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Really? Am I?

109 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 01/06/2016 23:58

Ok so I'm really really not sure if IABU or not.
I'm a SAHM to DD3. DH works long hours and mon-fri we don't see him much. He's an excellent hands on dad the rest of the time and never have any issues, happy marriage etc.
Sooooo now onto the issue. Whenever we've done something new with DD for the first time, we've always made sure we're both their to experience it ie. Zoo, farm, cinema etc etc. There's been one or two things that I've just done on my own or DH has because maybe the other parent isn't as interested in doing it ie. I hate bowling. Never really had any problems with this its just been an understanding between us. As a SAHM I've been offered to do certain things with friends and if it's something that I know DH would want to be there for the first time I've declined (there's only one or two occasions I can actually think that this has happened and they were both things that we then went and did all together).

No for my AIBU. DH is sitting on the couch tonight with a big smile on his face, I say what's up, turns out that another dad he works with has two extra tickets to go to the theatre and has asked DH if he would like to go with DD. I said well hold on she's never been to the theatre before and that's something I would really like to be there for. He says well so I'm not allowed to go. I said well I'm not telling you what to do but how would you feel if it was something that you cared about, it's the first time and tbh I didn't even know there were shows like this for her age. I'm quite upset because I don't think he should have put me in this position, I think he should have asked me if I would like to go and if I said yes just declined the ticket, that's what I would have done. Now it's like I'm the controlling DW/DM who won't let him take DD out. I probably should mention that he doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise with his friends just because we spend our weekends as family time mainly. AIBU?

OP posts:
Peppermintea · 02/06/2016 00:57

YABU you both sound s bit over the top and suffocating with this "witnessing DDs first everything" obsession . He's got free tickets let him go. What exactly do you think your DD is going to do that you'll never have seen before?

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 00:58

I just want to point out aswell, I'm not totally barmy, if a family member had wanted to take her to something we hadn't already I wouldn't have said no it's just that if its one of us and we have lots of fun, it's only been the first time of things after that it's always been free reign. Tbh I don't even know how we got to this place, we never really sat down and decided it just sort of happened but as pp said I personally do think that even if we are wrong and silly to have behaved like this I do think DH is wrong to all of a sudden change and expect me to just go oh ok.

OP posts:
BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 02/06/2016 01:00

YABU and PFB (assuming that DD3 means that DD is aged three, not your third child).

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:01

Yes can admit totally pfb, I'm not perfect lol

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andintothefire · 02/06/2016 01:02

I think YANBU! Why can't you both take her to something? She won't remember it anyway andi think seeing the joy on her face is understandably something you want to experience

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:02

Hmm, you tried to speak to him but he's still too annoyed. He needs to get a grip too.

In the meantime, why don't you look through the theatre schedule and find a nice show that you can go to with DD? Not as a tit for tat but because, as you said in your OP, you didn't realise till now that there were theatre shows for her age and you will enjoy it.

Plan a nice day together for a few month's time.

nonladyofleisure · 02/06/2016 01:02

There's a million shows X (probably about 30) go and see another show and Make it a different experience X

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:04

Oh, and be careful if your DP moving goalposts starts to become a pattern. Try to be aware of it because that's not healthy for a relationship.

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:07

Yes exactly what I'm going to do. I've decided I will say to him in the morning when we chat that he should go, have fun but that I will do the same in future if something nice props up. Not tit for tat but because that's what we should do, it's silly to be like this and that I'm going to take her to a panto that I've just seen is on this summer holidays.

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MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:11

APlace I didn't say that the OP chains her husband to the house at the weekends!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:11

He's already changed the parameters. You don't need to announce it to him that you're going to do the same in future. You're not asking his permission to act the same as him; and you're not doing it to 'get back at him' so no need for a big announcement because there isn't a way to say it tomorrow which won't sound like pettiness (even though it isn't).

ladamanera · 02/06/2016 01:12

Thats a passive aggressive answer. Cant you just say "sorry, totally go to the theatre, lets stop this "firsts" thing"? Do you really have to say "and nya nya nya i'm going to panto first so there"? How do you both cope with such PoisonDrama?

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:16

Aplace he won't take it like that at all and will want to discuss in the morning as I know him and he will want to have a resolution and will want to take her knowing that I'm not annoyed anymore. We've learnt to communicate well with each other because we barely see each other mon-fri so if we don't an argument can fester for ages.

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MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:18

Well she can talk it through with her husband though. Not sure why you're almost implying that her husband may start demonstrating behaviour that is 'unhealthy' for the relationship. Maybe he's been thinking for a while that it's bit daft to restrict activities in this way.

LaBelleOtero · 02/06/2016 01:18

I agree with APlaceOnTheCouch. Just say that it's fine for him to take her, don't add conditions. The fact that he's taking her means that this rule thing is over, it doesn't need to be discussed. The next time you want to take her to something alone and he is unable to go, do it.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:19

Margot I didn't say you did Confused

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:19

I don't think it's passive aggressive at all, in fact that is 100% not in my nature what so ever.

I think that you have to appreciate this I feel as if I need to point out it isn't a one way street to stop any future disagreements over something which I have agreed with the majority that is stupid.

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MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:20

Trying it didn't sounded passive aggressive. You said you wanted to say it was silly and let's loosen up. People on here don't know you and your husband so don't take too much notice, I'm sure you'll get it sorted Smile.

MargotLovedTom · 02/06/2016 01:22

APlace I was one of those who said maybe he could see more of his mates at the weekends as well as family time, and you made reference to posters implying OP is chaining him to the house.

byjimminey · 02/06/2016 01:23

Goodness Op, you sound far too over the top. Give him a break! I'd still be annoyed with you if I were him too.

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:23

Yeah I agree. I do think sometimes because we're first time parents and also because he had a non existant dad that he can be really OTT with a lot of things and that its rubbed off on me

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Iknownuffink · 02/06/2016 01:27

I feel so sorry for the child

Op' username is telling.

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:27

Oh and I tell DH to see his mates at the weekend, after work, whenever he wants. I am sooooo not that wife, he just doesn't. Mainly it's because they all live atleast an hour away (work friends) so they mainly arrange a night after work once a fortnight and we all get together (with thier wives aswell) maybe once every couple months.

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/06/2016 01:28

Oops sorry Margot I missed your second post pulling me up about something that I didn't say Hmm

I didn't say her DH was demonstrating unhealthy behaviours. I said the behaviours of them agreeing something, her DH unilaterally changing it and then OP feeling like she is playing catch-up can be unhealthy. I didn't apportion blame or responsibility. They are both in the relationship. They both need to be aware of that dynamic but it is only the OP who is posting here hence why it was addressed to her

If there is something else I have posted that you disagree with or don't understand, feel free to read past it.

Tryingtostayyoung · 02/06/2016 01:28

Iknow really lovely, why come on to a thread just to goad an argument

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