To wish DH wouldn't do this...

[Gatehouse77]

General mornings/breakfast go like this. I get up, wake kids, do packed lunches then sit down in the living room (open plan-ish) with a cup of tea to read news, mumsnet, etc. DH has usually gone to work.

I choose to sit away from everyone else because I get irrationally irritated by the noise of them eating. Often they're wearing headphones so are unaware of the nose they make and it means there's no other noise to soak it up - radio, chatter, etc.

I am the one with the problem. I know that and I accept that.

When DH is around he will sometimes coma and sit beside me to have his breakfast. Because of my issues I choose to get up and move away so as not be wound up by something soooo trivial first thing. I don't have a problem doing this, I am not angry, not stomping around just calmly get up and move.

Every fucking time DH will either strop about it or, after I have moved, offer to move away. THIS is what is causing the rage in me. Why can't he just carry on? Its not his fault I have this issue and I'm trying not to make it his problem. Why can't he just accept that I willingly remove myself? Why am I left feeling like somehow my choices mean he can't do what he wants to do? Even though I am not getting him to move, asking anything of him or being a sulky sue about it.

So, just now I had a controlled blow up and asked why does he do this. He's now stopped off to eat his breakfast in the playroom/conservatory stating that I'm being unreasonable because he only wants to do right by me and it's an expression of his love and care. Yet, it's this very issue that can put me in a mood first thing NOT that I have to move away.

Am I missing something here?

So your family doesn't eat meals together round a table? Your partner chooses to sit with you and you move away.
Do good manners play any part in your life?

You sound unreasonable and rude.

He probably wants to spend five minutes connecting with you.

Eating away from your family is not setting a good example for table manners either imo.

Really? He needs five minutes to connect. There are 24 hours in a day and he needs to to use the 5 minutes he is eating cereal to do that? Fucking hell there are some needy people on this thread.

Why would anyone want to sit and eat next to someone knowing that it would cause him/her distress/discomfort? It would irritate the shit out of me.

Do you even like him?

Cos there are tons of ways to resolve this other than literally walking away.

1. You could put a radio on
2. You could TALK TO HIM
3. You could have breakfast as a family instead of eating with headphones in (the fuck?)

Since mumsnet will always take the woman's side, I'm sure this will be painted as him being abusive but honestly, it just seems like the kind of inconsiderate shite that eventually happens in long term relationships that people who value those relationships try to mitigate and everyone else just ends up divorced.

I have terrible misiphonia. At lunch and dinner we have music or the radio and we all eat together with a normal noise level. I cannot tolerate a person eating next to me in a silent room. It's like ants crawling under my skin. I feel sick and angry. My DH is a kind man and knows not to do it just as I know never to touch his feet. You have a choice to make your partner unhappy or to behave differently. The op's DH chooses to upset her. It's 5 minutes and cereal. It's not living separately. I would be nice if people responded to what was written before wildly extrapolating.

Goblin

Do good manners play any part in your life?

Does irony play any part in your life?

Someone I know has this and it is quite crippling. She has been helped a lot by CBT - to the point that she can go to a restaurant now and she might wince a bit but it's not awful. So it is A Thing and it can be 'treated'.

Does anyone know if there is a relationship between misophonia and OCD? It sounds quite similar: the utter sense of discomfort at being in the vicinity of the trigger. But I'm no expert - would be interested in hearing from someone who is.

Showofhands

Spot on!!

I don't like slopping chewing sounds but I have the radio on all mornjng. DH doesn't like it on in the evening if we are sitting down for a meal as a family so it goes off them but not in the morning. Sometimes I just want to be alone and I hate it if DH follows me so I do get that.

No way kids would be allowed to eat with headphones on. I find it hard to tune back in if I do too much Mumsnetting before getting out of bed and I find the same sort of thing with the DCs if they have too much IPad or TV in the morning - bringing them back to reality is a screaming nightmare.

Turn the radio on.

I can relate to the noise thing a bit but have it more when tired. I won't pathologise it, though, as, to me, it's good, old fashioned irritability. I've never had it with food I can't say I've ever really noticed noise when people are eating unless it's exceptional.

I am in kind of two minds with this one. On one hand, if you are the one deviating from the norm, I think you have to try to fit in. However, I think your dh is being excessively argumentative about it and is is only breakfast. In most families, it is a grab and go affair. But it would really annoy me if my dh moaned about my eating and said I had to sit somewhere else so I don't know

Oh man, I feel for you. I have terrible problems with noise, and eating is the worst. I can't bear people eating next to me in a quiet room (I'm fine when there's other noise to drown it out) or people breathing really loudly, constant throat clearing, sniffing...it all makes me feel actually quite panicky, and like my blood pressure is about to go through the roof. I've tried to control it and 'be more rational' but it's a physical response. My boss started eating an apple (I could tell by the noise it was making) during a phone call the other day and I had to hang up and say the line had dropped because otherwise I was going to shout at him.

People who don't have it can't begin to understand it.

So, no - I don't think YABU at all. Your husband, presumably, knows about this and insists not only on sitting next to you to eat (BREAKFAST of all things) first thing in the morning when we are generally at our most irritable, but on getting angry when you take a calm, peaceful step to deal with it. You need to talk to him about this. In the evening!

If you want a few minutes by yourself in the mornings to wake up, everyone has a different routine, I don't see what the fuss is about. If your hubby can't cope with you moving sofa's, it's not like your going out, then it's his issue, not your's. You are doing nothing wrong.

it would really annoy me if my dh moaned about my eating and said I had to sit somewhere else

The OP does not do that.

Even if you didn't have misophonia, wanting a few minutes to yourself in the morning to drink a quiet cup of tea is not rude or unkind.

Cereal and apple crunching are the worst.

I know exactly what you mean. I used to feel the same way. I didn't eat lunch throughout my entire school career because hearing and seeing the other kids eat caused such a strong visceral reaction. I just wanted to block my ears and scream. It went away for me, luckily.

But your DH sounds like a passive aggressive twat. Is he always so needy? because if not, it seems that he's doing it deliberately to agitate and get a rise out of you.

Maybe you could use breakfast time to shower or do your hair, and eat your food before or after them? If you're certain your DH isn't being difficult on purpose you may have to use avoidance strategies. Take cereal bars for your journey to work?

I think DH is being unreasonable actually.

If you hadn't told him what the issue was and how you're trying to manage your own behaviour by moving away so as not to make it everyone else's issue, that would be one thing. But he knows how you feel and he knows exactly why you move away. He is making this an issue when it needn't be.

Presumably the 5 minutes he takes to eat his breakfast every day is not the only time he has a chance for some togetherness? He is making this 5 minutes the focus.

OP I'd recommend the Drs anyway, simply because it would be better for you not to have this condition. I'd also have another chat with DH to reassure him that it's not rejection of him, it's having to remove yourself from the trigger of a psychological problem that as yet you haven't beaten and as someone who loves you you'd appreciate his support while you're experiencing it.

If he still persists, I'm afraid you may have bigger problems on your plate. Someone who follows you when you have expressly said you need to be alone in order to cope with something that makes you uncomfortable, is someone who is not respecting your personal space, bodily autonomy or showing any respect for your POV.

I have a similar thing with cooking. I do ALL the cooking which I am not that happy about anyway but I hate people getting under my feet while I do it (my mum is the same). He knows this, his mum knows this, yet when anyone comes over they all stand under my feet in the kitchen and just want to scream at them to please go in another room and just let me get on with it. I normally contain myself but once really screamed (with the pretence of screaming at the kids) and husband said I was really rude. You do the cooking then I said!!! He still never learns though and just doesn't think as it's my 'thing' not his!! Either cook yourself or get out of my way #rage......

Wow people seem to assume OP has a choice!

I suffer from misophonia. I can't drown the sound out even with the tv on. I love my DH and dc dearly but the noise of crunching makes me snappy. Fortunately it is only crunchy noises like crisps and cereal and my family are very understanding but OP I do sympathise.

Yanbu. Misophonia makes me want to punch people in the face when they eat next to me. It's torturous. I remember one woman sat next to me crunching and slurping away at a fucking Magnum whilst I was trying to watch the Cumberbatch Hamlet. I cried because it was that stressful. You've made your position perfectly clear and he's acting like a wanker.

YANBU! I can't stand the noise of others eating, it makes me sick, anxious and angry. Strange reactions, yes but they're my reactions and so I try to stay out the way when people are eating. Not anyone else's issue but I'm not being rude by doing it, it's just how I am.

Oh yes. I have the kitchen thing. I have a thing about people being in my way. They seemingly do it deliberately too

Strikes me you need your own set of headphones.

I sympathise OP!

Hearing people eat really stresses me out, it can make me tearful or angry. Luckily we have a noisy house, so mostly I'm ok.

My Dad has a jaw that clicks and breathes heavily when eating - I wanted to run from the dinner table growing up.

Remember vividly being in a hospital bay just after giving birth and it being lunch time and the woman next to me slurping soup. My jaw was clenched so tight I gave myself a headache!!

I definitely move myself away from it if I can, and so far haven't managed to offend anyone, my DH has his own stuff he hates ( anyone in the kitchen while he cooks! Very hard when MIL comes as she likes to hover behind him when he's in there! ) so he won't eat next to me on the sofa and I won't stand behind him when he cooks.

Definitely educate your DH about misophonia OP so you can be sure he knows it's a real condition but if that doesn't stop him I would find a way to thwart his ability to wind me up. Change your routine around so you're busy elsewhere when you know he'll be having breakfast, maybe get up earlier and have your quiet time and then time your bathroom routine so you do that while he eats. It's understandable that it upsets you that he (at best) won't make allowances for your feelings or (at worst) is deliberately making you uncomfortable but I would take petty pleasure in removing his ability to do so by changing my routine rather than carry on trying to make him see it from my point of view and continuing to be upset and irritated that he can't/won't. My SF took great pleasure in winding me up in all sorts of ways growing up and my coping strategy was to find clever ways of not allowing circumstances to arise where he could so I would see cheating your DH out of his opportunity to annoy me as a slightly perverse win although I'm not sure what that says about me

Your OP says your H has usually gone to work before your breakfast-time has started, so when he is there for it is he usually having the day off, or just a later than normal start at work?