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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DH wouldn't do this...

91 replies

Gatehouse77 · 31/05/2016 09:09

General mornings/breakfast go like this. I get up, wake kids, do packed lunches then sit down in the living room (open plan-ish) with a cup of tea to read news, mumsnet, etc. DH has usually gone to work.

I choose to sit away from everyone else because I get irrationally irritated by the noise of them eating. Often they're wearing headphones so are unaware of the nose they make and it means there's no other noise to soak it up - radio, chatter, etc.

I am the one with the problem. I know that and I accept that.

When DH is around he will sometimes coma and sit beside me to have his breakfast. Because of my issues I choose to get up and move away so as not be wound up by something soooo trivial first thing. I don't have a problem doing this, I am not angry, not stomping around just calmly get up and move.

Every fucking time DH will either strop about it or, after I have moved, offer to move away. THIS is what is causing the rage in me. Why can't he just carry on? Its not his fault I have this issue and I'm trying not to make it his problem. Why can't he just accept that I willingly remove myself? Why am I left feeling like somehow my choices mean he can't do what he wants to do? Even though I am not getting him to move, asking anything of him or being a sulky sue about it.

So, just now I had a controlled blow up and asked why does he do this. He's now stopped off to eat his breakfast in the playroom/conservatory stating that I'm being unreasonable because he only wants to do right by me and it's an expression of his love and care. Yet, it's this very issue that can put me in a mood first thing NOT that I have to move away.

Am I missing something here?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 31/05/2016 09:29

I think he should accept that you have an issue with the sound of eating and leave you alone!

However, I also think it might be worth seeing your GP about this, because it sounds like you have misophonia, and it must be hard for you not to be able to experience lovely dinners out with people etc.

asilverraindrop · 31/05/2016 09:30

I completely understand. I have this too. I can cope fine as long as I am eating myself or if there is background noise, but I can't bear the sound of certain people eating if I am not (not everyone, I'm fine with people I don't know well, oddly). I find pretexts to move, like you, because I think my DH would be offended if he realised. Luckily we seldom eat breakfast together anyway, because I would find it the worst meal for noise reasons. If I were in your situation I would have to have a rational conversation at another time, or maybe write a letter, with a lot of it's-not-you-it's-me in it to reduce the chance of offence, because it does sound offensive if the other person is not eating objectionably as such.

paap1975 · 31/05/2016 09:32

IMHO you have mysophonia. I am a completely non-violent person, but at times have felt I could actually physically do a lot of harm to someone because I could hear them eating. I have it, my cousin has it too. I thought I was the only person who felt like this until I found out about her. Sometimes I still have to walk away from situations, but knowing I have it has really helped. As has explaining the situation to people. If you have explained mysophonia to your husband and he still does this, then he really is being unkind

NavyAndWhite · 31/05/2016 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarianneSolong · 31/05/2016 09:32

If children are left unaccompanied to eat and/or mianly eat while plugged in to gadgets, they are unlikely to learn to socialise over food or to acquire basic table manners. So there are quite a few problems really.

Patterkiller · 31/05/2016 09:33

I completely get it Op. Those who don't have misophonia just say get on with it but it really is a flight or fight response that you can't just 'get over'

My DH stays well away from me while he's eating and is never offended if I move away he does now get it.

And for me eating with others or social occasions isn't so bad as there is other noise while in restaurants. And at home when we all eat I play the radio which does help, not always I can still sometimes feel the building rage.

Search misophonia and ask him to read up, maybe he will be more understanding if he has all the medical facts.

DeathStare · 31/05/2016 09:34

Could you not wear headphones while sitting on the sofa? That way your DH could come and sit near you and it not bother you.

Patterkiller · 31/05/2016 09:35

I mean while he is eating and I'm not, we do eat together at meal times.

alltouchedout · 31/05/2016 09:36

My goodness OP, don't you realise that your feelings are utterly unimportant compared to those of your dh? So what if hearing others eat is horrible for you and you choose to sit apart from others at breakfast time to avoid it. Your dh wants to sit next to you and eat! You are so unfeeling and lacking in love not to embrace his preferences and put then far above your own needs. Also from this one single post we can tell that you never sit with others during any meal ever and can write you off as a terrible unsociable rude person because of that.

(Obviously YANBU and I hope DH will listen when you calmly explain- no doubt not for the first time- that you prefer to sit alone at breakfast not as a rejection of him but because you have this particular issue).

myownprivateidaho · 31/05/2016 09:39

You say there's no radio to soak up the noise. So excuse me if I'm missing something here, but could you maybe turn on the radio? Would focusing on other sounds help. And I have to agree with a pp, mealtimes with everyone plugged in to a device sounds a bit grim. Could you not all listen to the same music? Wrt your husband - firstly you need to explain that it is the eating sounds and not him. Otherwise, as pps have said, it's liable to be hurtful. And then - ok you don't want to sit next to him, but could you sit at the other side of the room and chat? Or even ask he eats something quieter (bagel instead of cereal etc). I think that you should be working on finding a way to work around this. I think when you work long hours the few mins you have at home in the morning or evening with your partner make all the difference to your mental health.

Original poster

Gatehouse77 · 31/05/2016 09:40

Thank you for your replies.

It's only breakfast because there's no other noise. Lunch, supper, etc. there's chatting, the oven, and the general noise of cutlery and crockery. And on some occasions we eat in front of the TV.

We have discussed it calmly and rationally. He knows that it bothers me that's what pisses me off when he makes it an issue that I am trying to avoid!

However, if he's in a bad mood (he's not the best morning person, shall we say) and removes himself from me/us to avoid being unreasonably grumpy with us, that's okay.

OP posts:

exexpat · 31/05/2016 09:42

Have you tried explaining to your DH about misophonia? Maybe get him to read this article or something similar, to help him understand that it's not him you want to get away from but the sound.

rainbowstardrops · 31/05/2016 09:42

I totally understand you OP! I can not bear listening to other people eat and I'm a bit noise intolerant at the best of times.

My DH knows this and will come and sit near me too. If I look up (as much to say, why the hell have you sat there to eat) he'll make a big thing of trying to eat slowly and quietly. That's bloody rude!

OohMavis · 31/05/2016 09:44

I think that would hurt my feelings too - even if I understood quite well what your issues were, it would be easy to forget myself. Sometimes it's nice to just be near people.

Yanbu but neither is he.

blindsider · 31/05/2016 09:44

If he knows you need to be alone at this time he is bu to disturb you, sometimes I wonder how people cope with life there appear to be so many neuroses out there

LobsterQuadrille · 31/05/2016 09:48

I totally relate to this. I am probably worse as I find a lot of noise intolerable. I didn't have a television at all until 10 years ago ..... and had to resign from a job once because they had the radio on all day. In particular my DD has a clicky jaw and, bless her, she obviously can't help that - but the constant clicking almost drives me mad. I've never told her that.

If it's just in the morning I don't think you're being unreasonable to want some quiet time. The only other option is to get up earlier and have your own peaceful time before everyone else gets up.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/05/2016 09:48

I understand. DD has sensory issues around food, she gags at the smell of fish and chips. If a friend forgets and comes and sits next to us in a cafe having ordered them, DD moves away. It's her problem. Does your DH know you have misphonia?

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/05/2016 09:49

Why can't you just have the radio on in the mornings? Or get your DC to take their headphones off and you can all eat breakfast in the same room?

If all it takes is some background noise, why are you all having breakfast in silence in different parts of the house?

icanteven · 31/05/2016 09:49

You are DEFINITELY NBU. Everything is irritating in the morning, and it is extremely important to be allowed to eat your breakfast and read Mumsnet in peace and quiet.

An alternative solution is for your DH to bring you tea in bed in the morning so that you can do your bit there, and come down all serene and sociable, all the more so, because the children will be fed and clothed by then. I manage that two three mornings a week.

Original poster

Gatehouse77 · 31/05/2016 09:52

We're off out for the day - dentist and cinema. We're so rock'n'roll !

I shall return to the thread when we get back later tonight so please don't think I'm being rude or flouncing!

In regard to the comment about the kids being plugged in and social skills it's a compromise we made about breakfast only in recent times. Everyone is downstairs at different times due to showers, start times, etc. We don't allow gadgets at lunch if we're eating together and it's a definite no at supper. Eating around the table and having conversation is a regular evening meal thing (can't think of the right word!).

Till we meet again...

OP posts:

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/05/2016 09:56

*misophonia

ReaWithson · 31/05/2016 10:02

If you've had the calm conversation about it already then, yes, he's being unreasonable, not least with the "sign of my love and care." It's like the "I was just trying to help" strop when we've already calmly discussed the fact that trying to help someone who has said thanks but asked you to leave it alone and you persist in 'helping' despite that request... is not being helpful!

Agree with asking him to read the article about misophonia linked to by pp and ask him to show you his love and care by understanding that you just need that bit of quiet time to set you up for the day.

Could the conservatory with headphones and some relaxing music/a podcast/the radio plus cup of tea be your personal "quiet time" when your DH is still around at breakfast time?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/05/2016 10:04

It's not an expression of care and love to sit next to you whilst eating at breakfast knowing that you have this issue, it's cruel and unkind. Does he understand the symptoms?

Yanbu

Iknownuffink · 31/05/2016 10:06

He is being childish and an arse.

"Waaaah, I want to sit near you when I'm crunching my cereal. Sob, sob, you are being so rude to me when you move away."

Gide · 31/05/2016 11:01

Why can't you just put on headphones or tell him clearly that you need five minutes away from others who are eating? Send him a link on misphonia.

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